🎶: 'All I Ask' by Adele
(Well I cried a little... so keep tissues close to you just in case 😢😢)
Long one up ahead
(Be sure to read part 2!)
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You bit your nails forcefully while skimming through an old dusty lore book for anything that could help Cas.
You shut the book with force and threw it down next to you, falling onto the messed up pile of books. You groaned with frustrating pulling your hair a bit and feeling completely useless.
"Hey [y/n]-"
Dean walked into the library and stopped, "Woah what happened here?" You looked to him with tears in your eyes. "Dean I can't... there's nothing I can do to help him," You said, your voice cracking.
He walked over to you, placing the cup of coffee he had brought for you on the table and gave you a side hug. "We will find a way alright? You, me, Sam and Cas will find a way to get out of this situation," Dean kissed your head, "Cas will be fine and he'll be with us for as long as we're alive."
Tears flowed down your cheeks and you hugged him tightly. "Hey, and he'll do anything to make sure he stays with you and [y/s/n]," Dean said, "He loves you both so much."
After you took a deep breath Dean walked out of the library and to Sam to continue your on going quest for a solution.
What were you trying to find a solution for?
A new authority over Angels was elected due to the on going war in Heaven and the risk of losing Angels because of the 'disobedient' ones. They just needed a stupid excuse to punish the angels that were sensible and opposed the angels who were trying to acts like gods.
And Cas? He made a few bad decisions, a few mistakes but it's not like he doesn't regret it. He would do anything to redeem himself but these angels aren't buying it.
They're 'honor killing' angels like Cas in the name of a better future. They had brought Cas in one day, all of a sudden teleported him to heaven and told him that he will be executed for high treason and damage to the so-called 'natural order'. All they did was say that he shall be executed but without detail about a time or day or anything else.
And what's the worst part?
Sure the whole treason thing is bad enough but you and Cas... You have a child together and as all rules go that's a big no-no in Heaven.
When you thought life couldn't get worse with everything going wrong with supernatural creatures, these feathery beings jump in and make it worse.
And you can't find anything to help.
You buried your face in your hands and cried quietly. You questioned why you of all people had to go through this. You were on the verge of losing it completely. Cas was acting normal, though you know deep inside that he's scared. He doesn't want to die, not when he has a son and partner to look after and spend life with.
"Sweetheart I brought you something," Cas said happily, a plate with what looked like a slice of cake in his hand. You turned to him and smiled then went back to reading but another lore book.
"Is it chocolate?"
"Yes I know how m... m-much y-you-"
CRASH!
You jerked at the sound of something shattering. You looked to Cas in horror, he collapsed onto the ground holding his head and groaning in pain.
You ran to him and held him by his arms. "Cas CAS?! What's wrong? CAS!" You questioned with panic.
He squeezed his eyes shut, tears escaping his eyes. "I-I... don't know, it HURTS!" He cried out.
"What's hurting?! CAS TALK TO ME!" You scanned his body for a sign, you didn't know how to help him. What was going on with him?!
He attempted to sit up then held his chest and breathed heavily. "I can't, I don't know-"
"No please, not now PLEASE!" Castiel said, but not directed to you.
"Cas who are you talking to?!"
He yelled in pain then held your face in his hands. "I l-love you... I love you and [y/s/n], I could never love an-anyone one else as m-much," He kissed you then pulled away abruptly crying out in discomfort.
"I'm sorry if I've ever caused you any pain..."
"Cas what-"
ZIIIIIINNNNGGGG!
Light shone brightly from his eyes and you watched him shout for someone to save him. You shut your eyes tight, though you wanted to make it stop somehow.
THUD!
The shouting stopped.
And he lay lifeless on the floor in front of you.
"Cas... Honey?" You stared at his still corpse, reality finally hitting you like a train that he was gone for good.
You caressed his face while sobbing, pulling his body into your arms and hugging him tightly.
Was he really gone? Did he just die in front of you?!
"CAS!" You cried, tears streaming down and flaking onto his fluffed up hair that you would always mess up on purpose because he looked better that way.
"What happ-"
Dean covered his mouth, shocked, "Son of a-"
"D-Dean he's... he's gone!" You looked to him, completely hopeless while you wanted your Cas to be nothing but alive.
Everything happened so quickly, you couldn't comprehend. One moment you had Cas in your arms and the next you were dragged to a corner in the Bunker library while Dean tried to calm your broken soul.
"THEY TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME WIHOUT TELLING! I want my Cas back now!" You hit Dean's chest with your fists and collapsed, crying while he held you up with a hug. He looked back, watching Castiel's body with disbelief.
"Listen [y/n] don't lose it now, you knew this was coming..."
Your son managed to escape from his Uncle's game of car racing and wandered into the library waddling on his own. He ran happily when he saw his father.
"Daddy, wake up, we play!" Your son bent down and put his hands on his father's face. He tilted his head with confusion then held on the trench coat. "Daaaddy..." He sang then sat on his knees.
"Daddy? Stop sleeping, we play!" He said loudly then hit his father's arm playfully, "Daddy I don't want to play the sleeping game! Wake up!"
He started to cry with panic at the lack of movement his father was showing. He was consumed with confusion and frustration, his daddy never teased him for this long.
"I don't like this game DADDY WAKE UP!"
Dean looked to the floor, finding your son sitting on top of Castiel's corpse, just as Sam entered the library to see where [y/s/n] went.
"What the-" Dean looked to Sam with horror, "Get him out of here NOW!"
Sam rushed to your son and picked him up. "NO ARGH! I DON'T LIKE YOU! I WANT MY DADDY," He kicked around and hit Sam's chest with his fists so hard that Sam had to put him to the floor and hold his hand.
"DADDY SAVE ME! MOMMY!" Your two year old screamed at his uncle Sam, and started to hit his muscular hand that dragged him away from the library.
"TAKE ME BACK!" Your son tried to pull his hand out of the tight grip while looking at his gigantic uncle with pure rage.
"[y/s/n] let's go and finish-OUCH!"
Sam snatched his hand away, making [y/s/n] run to his father. Him biting on Sam's hand seemed to work as an escape plan.
"Dada... Sun outside, open eyes," He said softly and touched his eyes then looked at the standing adults in the room, "Why is daddy not moving? Why is he playing?!"
Everything fell silent.
"DADDY I want to play another game n-now," Your son cried with tears rolling down his cheeks, "Daddy wake up!"
"Daddy's gone ALRIGHT [y/s/n]?! And he's never coming back!" You yelled then pushed Dean aside, exiting the library. You couldn't handle the grief, it was more than you've ever experienced and to see your baby boy like that broke you to pieces.
You were angry, scared, shattered to your core and torn apart. You couldn't take it all in. Your whole world just disappeared with a flash and you can't do anything to fix it.
*****
"Mommy why say daddy's gone?" Your son asked as you helped him to change into his pajamas, "He was there eyes close."
You smiled with an effort, "I meant to say that Daddy is gone for a little time. He just... Me and your uncles had told you about how daddy is very special right? How God chose him and gave him special powers?"
Your son nodded, listening with fascination. You continued to create an explanation for Castiel's death that a 2 year old would understand and accept.
"Well... Because of his powers Daddy needs to upgrade his body, like a superhero with superpowers and their special costume," You said, "He's gone and his soul is being put in another body."
After a few moments of not reacting your son asked you, "Mommy why you cried if daddy's superhero?"
You bit your lip, trying your best not to breakdown in front of him again. "Mommy just felt a bit sad. Daddy didn't say goodbye to you and me and Uncle Sam and Uncle Dean, he went so suddenly I felt sad. I loved your daddy so much, I miss him sweetheart and he'll... he'll be gone for a long time," You explained with sorrow, your voice choking.
"How long?"
You bent down so that your face was in level with his while he sat in the bed. "I'll tell you what, why don't you pray to him and ask? He'll hear you," You said and put his open palm together.
"Like Angel?" He said with eyebrows raised. You grinned and kissed his nose, "Yeah something like that."
He shut his eyes and raised his prayer-like hands to his chin, a small smile on his lips. You smiled at him and were about to sit on your bed to relax when there was someone at the door.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
You got up and found Sam and Dean standing there. You smiled at them tiredly and Dean asked if he could talk to you. Sam walked into your room and occupied his time with your son.
"What are you doing [y/s/n]?"
"Pray to Daddy, like Angels," He said happily and Sam joined him.
You stepped put of the room and shut the door till almost tightly closed. "What's up?" You asked and crossed your arms.
Dean rubbed his neck and sighed, "It's done, he's... he's prepared for it." You ran a hand through your hair then took a deep breath and nodded.
"Alright, I'll get my jacket-"
"Wait but don't you want to try to bring him back?"
You looked at Dean hopelessly, "Every time we meddle with the laws of nature it doesn't end well for us. We bring people back because we can't let go but that's just the reality of life."
"But Cas wasn't 'people' [y/s/n], he was family and-"
"He was more than family, he was a light for me."
"Exactly so-"
"But he wouldn't want us spending our time making deals and causing ourselves harm, knowing that his son out of all of us could get hurt," You said with a broken heart then took a breath, "I know that you having known him for longer than me makes you want to decide what to do but I loved him Dean, I knew his every side, his inside and out and I know that he would want us to do this."
Dean rubbed his forehead then nodded, "Alright, Sam and I will be outside. Whenever you're ready okay?"
You agree then steady your nervous breathing, making for way to your son to put on a jacket for him so he doesn't get cold.
You felt really bad that he had to be there to see his father burn but you have no choice. Everyone what's to honour Castiel and you can't leave [y/s/n] alone in the Bunker. You didn't feel safe anymore.
*****
Sam cleared his throat then took a deep breath, "Castiel, a friend, a brother, a father and husband. You were a man of wonders and an angel of inspiration. No one could ever replace you Cas and this... This is just-"
Sam stopped, a tear rolling down his cheek. Dean sighed then continued, "For being a brother to me Cas, a best friend that I could never imagine the privilege of having. For all the times that you battled it out to save the ones you love..."
Dean looked to you with tears glistening his eyes, "And continue saving the ones who need it but never ask." He looked to Sam then quickly rubbed the tears off his cheeks, "We love you and I don't I can ever imagine not knowing you. If only your feathery ass wasn't that stubborn and annoying at times."
He chuckled and you smiled sadly. You shut your eyes, pausing for a moment before reciting a poem:
"He never looks for praises,
He's never one to boast.
He just goes on quietly working
For the ones he loves the most.
I stand here with tears
Hoping I'd find a way,
So I don't have to feel
the pain of you being away.
You changed my world,
A light here to stay.
Never to escape my heart because
You'll still live in there everyday.
I thank you for the laughs and the cries,
I thank you for the love all day and night. But most of all I thank you
For making me live on and fight."
You cried and shut your eyes tight, taking a moment to calm yourself down. "Cas you're the reason I'm alive, you're the reason I continued to do what I do and be with all of you. Cas you're the reason I know how it feels to be in love because if you weren't with me I would rather not have it at all. You're my sunshine and you make me happy when skies are grey, you are a sunshine for all of us and I... I can never tell you enough that I loved you like I have never loved someone before. I just... I just wish you knew just how much you really mean to me."
You body trembled, Sam stepped closer to you and wrapped his arms around your body. Your son looked at you with sorrow and confusion. Was daddy really going to come back?
Dean lit up his lighter then threw it into the bonfire, lighting it up almost instantly. Your son buried his head in the crook of your neck, watching the flames flicker and the heat grow stronger. Dean moved closer to you and Sam and put his arms around you.
You watched the fire burn your husbands body to ashes... it was better this way, he was finally at rest.
"He knew [y/n]," Dean said and you looked to him, "He'd tell me every now and then that you're the only reason he changed. You were his anchor... H-He knew exactly how much you loved him."
You son watched sadly, tears rolling down his cheeks. You bounced him a little, running his back to make him feel a little better.
"Daddy please come home soon... I miss you."
Somewhere...
"Daddy please come home soon... I miss you."
He stirred awake, the cold ground against his cheek was something he finally felt for the first time. He waited anxiously to get used to the assumed light in the environment but there was no light to get used to.
It was completely dark and... black... and empty.