"You're just a ghost of blissful feelings..."
-
Sobriety is a dirty little temptress with muted desires and hidden wants.
It's a lie. No one's ever really sober. We all have our addictions that get us through quick days and endless nights. Some addictions are less life threatening than others but that doesn't change the symptoms. People are addicted to online shopping, listening to music, lying, drinking. Whether you're addicted to getting your nails done every week or snorting a line every morning, there's always a common fact in each.
You see, whether you're talking about it or not, you're still thinking about it. The thoughts of what you want swing in your head like a pendulum. Back and forth, you picture what you want even when you don't know it. You think about what cute color would make your fingers look slimmer and appealing just like others think about the rush that fills in their veins the second that white powder travels through their nose.
But because some of us have morals, we push those thoughts to the side. We try and move on with our days, trying to distract ourselves from what our inner desires want.
We try and stay sober in hopes of masking our sanity with fake smiles and an easy life.
It's all a lie.
The addict's still there. Mine is still alive just as well as yours. They may not look or act the same, but that doesn't make it any less true. Each of us has an animal inside us, and it's our choice if we feed it or starve it. My addict has already been fed once, but just like the greedy asshole she is, she waits for more. But for now, she sits shackled in the corner with a muzzle over her face.
I choose not to feed her even though sobriety is a joke.
"You're just as bad as the Gallaghers," A high pitched voice scratched at my ears through my dreams, "Always sleeping and never doing shit."
I opened my eyes to find Sammi, Frank's eldest daughter, leaning over me with a box in her hands. Her thin blonde hair was rustled while the bags under her eyes hung like ornaments on her pale face. "The fuck you want, Sammi?" I said in an aggravated tone while I pulled my blankets over my head.
"Not that you care or anything, but I'm moving out." My interest peaked as I pushed my blankets back down, "After the betrayal last night from my own blood, I've decided to leave this crack house and find my own place."
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sat up. My annoyance was running on high due to the time of day and the lack of caffeine in my blood. "Congratulations. Now, why do I give a fuck?"
"Don't touch my shit, hoodrat." She seethed through her teeth, "They probably let that shit slide in rehab, but you're in the real world now. I won't hesitate to shoot you if I see your crack addict fingers on my stuff."
I laughed, "I wouldn't be caught dead touching your shit. Who knows what I'd catch."
"I don't know why you're still here. You're like deadweight to the Gallagher's." She shot while squaring her shoulders, "I'm shocked they still let you come around. You do nothing but use them. News flash: grow the fuck up."
I bit back a smirk and stood from the lumpy couch. I felt my annoyance bubble into anger the longer she stood in front of me. With malice tightening in my fists, I stood tall next to Sammi. "I would choose your next words wisely, Sammi. I may not be a Gallagher but I will not hesitate to lay that bat against your pale face."
Sammi stood small in front of me while her nose flared and her lip quivered. She tried to mask her fear but I could practically smell it off her. She was all bark and no bite.
"What the fuck is going on?" Mickey's voice rumbled through the house as he came walking down the stairs with-a-newly-released Ian tailing short behind him. "She buggin you, Cash?"
I crossed my arms over my chest as Mickey stood behind me.
Sammi blinked rapidly before stuttering, "You guys are all nothing but white trash. I'll be relieved when I finally find a place that's far away from all of you." With that, she scurried to the kitchen and disappeared.
My shoulders slumped as I turned around to look at Mickey and Ian, "It's too early for that shit."
Mickey scratched his nose, "Hey, if she tries to fuck with you, just let me know. We can take her out."
I smirked, "Thanks, Mick, but I think I can handle a little rat." My attention shifted to Ian, who stood behind Mickey with his head low, "How you feelin'?"
He looked up, "I don't really feel anything."
While I was away at Polytech, Ian was released from the facility and brought back home but that didn't erase his problem. Debs told me that he refused to take his meds and almost hit her with a bat because he had a breakdown. The other day, Mickey got him to finally go to the doctor's and get real medication. It's like he's heavily sedated. He walks around like a zombie, there's no real emotion in his face. Sometimes it hurts to be around him.
But he has Mickey now, and I trust him to take care of the redhead.
I pursed my lips, at loss for words. Our friendship never had dull silences. From the very start, we always had things to talk about. Whether it was boys or movies, we would talk each other's ears off until the sun rose. Never were we at loss for words.
Mickey cleared his throat as Ian walked around us and made his way towards the kitchen.
"You Nurse Milkovich, now?" I joked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Fuck you, Monaco." Mickey spat, "I'm trying."
"I know you are. How are you holding up?"
"I'm not," He answered, honestly, "I'm just trying to for him. He's different every day, and it's hard to keep up."
I nodded and watched as something flashed in his eyes. It was pain. I could see it in the way his mouth twisted as he spoke. I could see it in the way his eyebrows dropped with each word. He was trying and it was hurting him.
"But I'm gonna do everything I can to keep him sane." He nodded and shifted before changing the subject, "How are you doing? I heard you were away with Lip for a while. Make up sex?"
I huffed out a laugh, pretending that I wasn't thinking about Lip in bed. "Nothing happened, freak. We're just friends. I helped him sell a little bit of pot on campus and that was it."
"Yeah, right." He puffed, "When are you two just gonna stop being bitches and bone already? We're all fucking waiting."
"He has a girlfriend, Mick." I heard my voice crack as the word drug from my mouth, "Besides, we're better off as friends."
"Okay, liar." Mickey smirked and pushed my head before following Ian in the kitchen.
I faked a laugh, trying to subside my thoughts of Lip with a mystery girl who probably had his heart tied around her slut finger. The not knowing part of this relationship was killing me beyond words could say.
I wasn't just rehabilitating myself from drugs.
I was rehabilitating myself from Lip.
And, god, was I dying for a relapse.
----
"Wait, what about this one?" I asked, while circling the listing in a red marker, "Two bedroom, one bath, in close proximity to public transit, and-," I stopped.
"And clothes optional." Vee laughed as she finished reading the ad over my shoulder.
"Fuck," I cursed while crossing everything out, "This ad wasn't even from a dude."
"Maybe experimenting would be good for you." Vee joked while holding a basket of clean cups.
"Maybe you're right." I smirked, "Just kidding, I couldn't get with a chick. With my luck, she'd be just like me and I'd kill her."
"Why are you looking for a roommate anyway?"
"Well you see, Vee, as much as I love you, this pay is crap." I smiled," I need to get out of the Gallagher's and the only way I can afford it is if I have a roommate."
"Sorry, babe." She apologized while stacking the cups, "If we weren't renting out the upstairs for our breast pump business, I'd let you stay there."
"It's okay." I shrugged, "It's time for me to move out on my own, you know? Have a space that's my own."
Vee nodded, understanding, as she started pouring drinks for the guys waiting at the bar. I sat on the other side in a stool as I continued to shuffle through empty listings. Everyone that wasn't a potential murder was either charging to high or low. At this point, I was losing all hope.
After an hour of endless searching, I placed my head on the sticky bar and groaned.
"Hungover already?" A voice soothed from behind, "It's only 8 o'clock."
I raised my head from the bar and looked behind me. Julian stood tall in his dark pea coat that had the collar popped. His thick brown hair was gelled at the top while his lake-blue eyes smiled down at me.
"Such a rookie." He teased while taking a seat next to me.
Confused, I rose my brow. "What are you doing in here? Isn't this against some recovery rule?"
"I should be asking you the same thing." He smirked. Fear struck my belly as he rose his hand to my face and a million butterflies took flight. My breath left my body the second I felt his hand touch my cheek, only to hear the sound of peanut shells hitting the bar, "I think your cheek was hungry."
Heat flushed my face while embarrassment rolled through my tummy.
Julian chuckled and I felt it hit my chest. He settled in his seat while I watched him relaxed. "So what's up, pudding cup?"
I felt my cheeks rise to a smile as questions and worry rushed to my brain. I was never an alcoholic so it didn't bother me that much to be in the Alibi, but I could only imagine what was going through Julian's head right now. Did he relapse? Is that why he was here?
"Apartment hunting." I pointed to the newspapers sitting in front of me.
"On paper?" He asked in a bewildered tone. "What are you? From the stone age?"
"I don't own a computer." I admitted with a small smile.
He shook his head in astonishment, "Okay, grandma. Let me get a look at what we got." Julian reached over, grabbing the newspapers from my hand.
I tried not to stare but I couldn't help my eyes. They wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was holding up. My eyes watched his mannerisms closely like a painting. I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed while his eyes scanned different listings. I watched as his jaw locked the second a drunk guy stumbled past us to the bathroom. I watched as his fingers tightened around the paper as someone in the corner dropped their beer to the ground.
I could tell he was agitated. But not once did he give them his attention. He was set like stone against all odds.
It was kind of beautiful.
"Cash, your friend need a drink?" Vee asked from behind the bar.
I looked at Julian and back to Vee, "No, he actually shouldn't-,"
"Club soda, please." Julian straightened his back and smiled.
Vee smiled, "Sure thing, sweetheart."
As she left to grab Julian's drink, I continued to stare at him in disarray as he look at the newspapers like he wasn't fazed.
"You know, my mother always told me it wasn't polite to stare." Julian said with his eyes still fixated on the paper.
I bit back a smile and looked away, "Sorry."
From the corner of my eye, I saw Julian look over at me with a smile on his face before looking away. Something fluttered in my chest and I felt the movement in my stomach. I was giddy. Julian wasn't like all the other guys I've known. He didn't question me or antagonize me. He treated me like an equal which I respected. He was sweet unintentionally.
My phone rang in my pocket, causing me to snap out of my thoughts. Julian continued to flip through the ads as I reached for my phone.
Lip.
My heart jumped as a picture of him smiling appeared on my phone. My hands clamed up at the sight of the picture I took of him when we were younger and happier. I stared down at the device wondering why he was calling. It had to be something important, if it wasn't he would have texted me.
The angel on my shoulder cried at me to pick up in hopes of need and amends. But the devil on my shoulder screamed bloody murder at me to hit decline and let it go to voicemail.
If he really needed you, he would call again.
I bit my bottom lip and tried to quiet my beating heart before shoving my phone back into my pocket.
If he really needed you...
"Oh god," Julian moaned, "Two bedroom, one bath, great view of the city, loving house rat by the name 'Bartholomew'."
I squeezed my heart in a choke hold while killing the angel on my shoulder and cringed, "Gross."
"This isn't acceptable," He said as he crumpled up the paper and tossed it behind his shoulder, "I refuse to let you live with a potential Dexter-loving serial killer who would let his rat feast on your organs."
I scrunched my nose and gagged, "Well what else am I supposed to do, Julian? I can't stay on couches forever."
Vee walked over, and handed Julian's drink with a smile before winking at me and walking away.
He took a drink, calmly. "I know a few people. I can help you find a legitimate place, easy."
"But what about a roommate? I can't afford rent around here on my own."
He raised his shoulders and exhaled, "Well it just so happens that I'm currently on the market for a new place and a new roommate. Aren't you in luck."
"Wait, what?"
"You heard me, gorgeous." He smirked, "The place I'm staying at up north is too expensive and I have to renew my lease soon, so why not just move all together?"
"You barely even know me." I argued.
"Are you an axe murder with a rat who loves cuddles and attention?"
"Well no-," I started.
"Then why not?"
I opened my mouth in thought before answering, "I barely know you."
"I'm not an axe murder and rats terrify me," He said, "Come on, Cash. It's perfect. You need a place, I need a place. I mean we're both in recovery, it makes sense."
I gulped, trying to process my thoughts on why this wouldn't work. I needed to get out of the Gallagher house before I drove myself insane. I love them more than words could describe, but everywhere I look reminds me of a life I don't want to remember. One where I was disoriented and hopelessly in love with a ghost.
I didn't know Julian well enough to be sharing a place with him, but something told me I wanted to.
This was all moving to fast.
"Julian,-" I started.
"Cash." He pressed with a smile that showcased the dimple on his cheek that made my knees weak.
I bit my bottom lip. "I'll think about it."
"I don't need to think about anything," He shrugged with a casual smile, "But you do what you gotta do. I can wait as long as I need."
I laughed and shook my head, "You're relentless."
"And you're something else." He said through his smile.
I fiddled with the rings on my fingers as Julian continued to smile at me with a look on his face that made tingles in fingers and toes. Being with him was like being a teenager again. It was like I had nothing to worry about.
We were just two broken people set on being something new.
"This club soda really hits the spot." He said in a joking tone as he took a sip from his drink.
"If you're lucky, maybe I'll get you another one on the house." I winked while he laughed.
With lightness in the air and carbonated bubbles between us, Julian and I sat at the bar while joking endlessly. In fear of shaking him, I didn't ask what he was feeling at the moment. Being surrounded by endless drinks and drunken men must have been rough on him. It still made me wonder why he was here but deep down I knew. He was here for me, because he wanted to get to know me.
And that kind of scared me.
As Julian finished his second round of club soda and I killed him in a game of thumb war, I heard my name from the other side of the bar. But it wasn't 'Cash', no this person said 'Cassie'.
Fear hit my stomach as I turned around to see Ty standing at the entrance talking to Vee. He stood tall as he scanned the bar with his coat pulled close to his chest, his sandy blonde hair combed out of his face. The eyes I used to adore, blue as ever, looked around the dark place while my heart squeezed and I sank to the ground.
Seeing him was a different fear than hearing his voice.
It was haunting.
Julian looked down at me as I hunched closely to the bar, out of sight. "Are you having a party down there?"
My hands shook as I heard the addict muffle through her muzzle. "I thought I dropped something."
"You need help looking for..what ever it is?" He said with a smirk.
I shook my head too quick, "You know, I just realized I have to be somewhere right now. I completely forgot that I have to...babysit."
"Why do I feel like you're always running away." His brown eyebrow rose to his forehead while guilt ran down my spine along with fear of being seen.
I heard Vee speak to Ty and I froze. "I'm sorry, Julian. I'll explain later. I just have to leave now."
Before Julian could choke out any other words, I squatted close to the ground and wobbled off towards the back of the house where the kitchen was. As soon as the doors opened, I stood tall and ran out the back door towards the alleyway.
It was childish. It was cowardly.
I had the opportunity to face my past and I ran with my tail between my legs. Maybe I wasn't ready to admit my wrongs yet. Maybe I wasn't ready to grow up and move on.
I was too afraid to move on because that meant owning my demons.
As I held my bag close to my side, I picked up my legs and ran with all my sobriety thoughts out the window. I wanted to be far away from wherever I was and run to a place that was familiar and welcoming.
I needed to be far away from myself.
I rounded the corner down a gentrified neighborhood, preparing myself to push a few more blocks until I was home, when I slammed face first into someone's shoulder. The impact shot pain through my nose as I fell to the ground.
"Asshole, watch where you're fucking going!" I yelled as I grabbed onto my throbbing nose.
"Cash?" My heart thrashed at the sound of its favorite voice.
My eyes fixated on his dress shoes as I felt melted to the cement. I froze as my heart demanded to jump out of my throat and into his chest. My body knew he was there before my mind had time to process where I was.
"Is this a friend of yours, Lip?" An older woman asked as I felt her look down at me. Her black pumps and long legs stood next to Lip's dress pants and I felt on fire. I couldn't move even though I wanted to.
I, so desperately, wanted to sink into the ground and become one with the Earth before looking up. My cheeks flushed as my eyes followed her legs up to her black dress and elegant blonde hair. The older woman looked beautiful and pristine as she looked down at me like I was trash.
I realized I wore my 'asshole' shirt again.
Despite my want, my eyes found Lip's in a suit and lose tie as he stared down at me with his ruffled hair while a cigarette hung low on his beautiful plump lips.
I felt his heart beat through the ground as it traveled down his body and straight to my pulse.
You couldn't deny the way our hearts beat for one another.
But we would try.
"Who's this?" A gentleman from behind the woman asked while pushing his glasses up his thin nose. His hand wound around the lean woman while all eyes continued to stay locked on me.
I stared down at my hands that were cut up from my fall, before rubbing them against my ripped up jeans and standing. Once above the ground, I straightened my back and dusted off my jeans, keeping eye contact at a minimum.
I didn't know who these people were, but given their attire and Lip's, they must have been important to him.
And here I was, white trash in a t-shirt that read 'asshole' in big letters with bloody palms and a sweaty forehead.
"This is my," I heard his voice hesitate, "friend, Cash."
I heard my heart cringe as the words choked around it, leaving it breathless and wanting more.
"Cash?" The blonde lady pursed her lips, thoughtfully. "That's unique. Are you guys friends from childhood."
I kept my mouth sealed shut.
"Yeah." Lip answered while he nervously scratched behind his head.
"Well I'm Helene, and this is my husband, Theo." She motioned to the man standing next to her, he smiled. "It's nice to meet you." Helene hold out her hand.
With hesitation I held up my palms to indicate that I was scratched up and a little bloody, "Sorry."
Helene's smile slightly dropped as awkward silence prevailed. She cleared her throat before speaking, "Well, Lip, Theo and I will be in the car waiting. I'll let you two talk."
Lip stomped out his cigarette with a puff and nodded, "Okay."
"It was nice meeting you, Cash." She said with a tight smile before walking away with her husband.
Lip and I were alone and my heart knew it. I looked down at my hands, awkwardly as I felt him look at me. I wanted to tell him that he looked nice. I wanted to tell him that I missed him. I wanted to tell him more but my lips wouldn't move.
"You didn't pick up when I called." He stated.
"I was a little busy, sorry."
A conversation with us was like walking around laser beams. Sometimes the steps were easy and effortless. But sometimes, you would have to bend over backwards to not make the wrong move. A flinch could cause inexplicable damage that we couldn't repair.
He sniffled, "Figured. I was going to see if you wanted to come to this party with me."
"Party?" I rose my brow.
"Yeah," Lip nodded, "Helene invited me to this party down the street to network and I wanted you to come."
"Why?" My tone was aggravated while I stood there confused.
Lip ran his hand over his mouth as he stiffened. I knew I wouldn't like the words that were going to leave his mouth. "To meet Helene."
I scrunched my brows as nerves knotted in my stomach, "Why? Is she your guidance counselor or something?"
"Professor, actually." He mumbled before speaking up, "She's the woman I was telling you about."
My throat tightened, "What woman?"
He hesitated while avoiding my eye contact. It was moments before he answered, "The one I'm seeing."
The feeling of confusion and heartbreak flooded my senses the moment those words filled my ears. It was like an internal earthquake shook everything inside. My heart sobbed a thousand tears while ripping itself to pieces while my brain shook and yelled with questions. My hands shook like they wanted to be held or used as a weapon. I thought I was going to explode.
I wanted to sink.
I pushed tears back as my voice broke, "You're seeing her? A married woman?"
His jaw tightened while his dark blue eyes bored into mine. "It's complicated. I was gonna tell you tonight if you came."
My eyes burned with wanted tears as I stared at Lip with disbelief and heartache. "You were gonna invite me to hang out with your mistress – or whatever the fuck she is?" My voice raised through the empty streets, "What the fuck is this, Lip?"
"And this is what I was afraid of." He whispered.
"What the fuck?" I seethed, "How did this go in your head? You were gonna casually be like 'Helene, babe, this is Cash, the girl I used to fuck in high school casually.'? Oh my god."
Lip loosened his tie as his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. He was growing as annoyed as I was, but I was getting there quicker.
"I used to be in love with you Lip." I still was, "What in right mind would make you think that it would be okay to introduce me to your new girlfriend?"
"Because you're important to me, Cash!" He raised his voice.
"Then why would that make it okay?!" I screamed back as we stood toe-to-toe.
Lip stood and opened his mouth, preparing himself for another battle as a horn rang from across the street. I looked over to see Helene and Theo waiting in the car for Lip.
I swallowed and stood back, "I can't do this. Have fun fucking your teacher."
"Cash-," He began.
"Fuck off, Lip." I blew as I gave him one last look before turning my back on him.
The sound heartbreak filled my ears as I quickly made my way down the sidewalk away from the guilty. Tears ran down my cheeks, leaving a hot trail of pain and despair. My stomach felt tight inside my body while my addict cackled through her muzzle and chains.
We tried.
Endlessly, we've tried to make this work. As lovers, as enemies, as friends.
But there was no way around this.
Lip was in love with another woman.
And I knew it.
----
These two drive me nuts.
Let me know if you guys think this is too long of a burn.
I know things are going a bit slow, but I really want to take time for Cash to become her own person before giving into Lip.
But I promise it's coming.
If I posted a Mandy Milkovich story, would you all read it? Let me know, I want to start working on another Shameless story.
Anyway, please let me know what you guys think. I live for all your feedback!
Thank you, as always.
xo
***song lyric: pvris - smoke