»part 33 » a drunk and a hard place

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"This is where I start to miss you, more than I can bear..."

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Enablers are those who keep addicts breathing.

They're the ones who keep their hearts pumping foul blood through their veins, allowing them to live another day. Whether they know it or not, enablers are the pillars that hold addicts up. They're a crutch to the cripple vessel that begs for more.

Renee was my enabler. Tony was my enabler. Lip was an enabler.

But my biggest enabler, was myself.

I told myself I needed more each day to get through this world. I convinced myself that without it, I would die and be buried 6 feet under. My inner thoughts scared me to death when I thought about what it would be like to go through a day sober. I knew what I was doing wasn't smart, I knew it was dangerous and disgusting. I still did it though. I did it because it put me at ease. Knowing drugs and alcohol were always going to be there put me at peace.

So to go a day without that crutch keeping me up only reminded me of how easily it would be to slip through the cracks and melt through the Earth.

It was all too easy.

But for those who are the enablers, they're the terrified ones. What they do is out of fear and love wrapped into something sick and twisted. They provide for the sickly to keep them alive, because a world without them would be endless. If they weren't to provide, then they would blame themselves for the scary aftermath. Whether that be suicide or an overdose.

Enablers do it out of sick love.

Ever since Julian came to me with his relapse truth, he's been even more distant. He no longer smiles, he no longer jokes, sometimes he doesn't even look at me. Whenever we see each other at the apartment, he keeps his head down and scurries out the door. It's like we're two strangers living together. I know he regrets telling me.

That night, I held him in bed until his sobs subsided and his snores began. Every time I tried to move to my own bed, Julian would tighten his hold on me and mumble something in my ear. It was the closest we've ever been.

But now he's acting like it never happened.

I'm too afraid to ask if he's still drinking. I figure he needs his space, so for now, that's what I'm giving him. Time and space.

I continued telling myself over and over this was a good idea as I packed up an overnight bag. Since Julian is hardly around and acts like a ghost around here, he wouldn't notice that I'd be gone for a night. Just like him, I needed space.

I would be lying if I said that his relapse didn't spark a fear in me. I was more scared for myself than I was for him, which felt selfish.

This morning, Fiona called me saying that Ian was finally home. At first, I was confused because I didn't even know he was gone. Being so far away from the Gallagher's was putting a strain on our relationship which caused more pain in my chest than wanted. Ian disappeared for a week with Monica, but now he was back. I was too busy between work and rehabilitating my need for Lip, that I completely disregarded everything that was going on in the Gallagher home. Not only was Ian back after his hiatus, but him and Mickey broke up and shortly after, Mickey was chased down the street by a gun-wielding Sammi. They're now both in prison.

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