»part 28 » daddy issues

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"I keep on trying to let you go..."

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I still think about my father every day.

The pent-up resentment I have for the man who used to tuck me into bed at night and sing sweet songs to me never got laid to rest like his body. My blood runs cold like ice the second his picture pops into my head, uninvitingly. When I look into the mirror, I see his dark eyes staring back at me like a painting. Our similar dark colored hair, the shape of my nose, the way my lips lift into a crooked smile when I'm happy. I look at myself and sometimes all I see is him.

I believe that I turned out this way because of him. I locked all the bad memories I watched him bestow upon my mother and myself during his drunken rampages and let it slowly decay in a box that the addict used against me. Living with the internal pain he caused me lead to sever daddy issues. And, no, daddy issues are not just for the strippers with old man fetishes. Daddy issues could be as simple as turning anger into your remote emotion when shit turns sour. Daddy issues can be pushing everyone out while forcing yourself to feel abandoned.

Daddy issues could also be as simple as falling for a boy who could never give you what you want.

"This place is right above a dollar-twenty-five scoop, I'm sold." Julian bloomed as he pointed downstairs while looking out the cracked window.

A week passed before I finally decided to take Julian up on his offer for a roommate. Things at the Gallagher's were starting to get hectic between Sammi and Fiona which wasn't sitting right with me. After Carl and Chucky went to juvie, Sammi made it a mission to make the house unlivable. Bills went unpaid, groceries went unbought, water ran cold and Frank crawled in and out like a roach. The last couple nights, I've come home from long days at the Alibi only to find Frank passed out on my couch. This morning, the water went off in the middle of my hair wash. I had to run to Vee's to finish washing the shampoo out of my hair.

Despite all my wants to help the Gallagher's with every cent I have – which isn't much – I needed to focus on building my life. The blue house I've called home for so long is starting to become deserted anyway. Debs is always out with her friends or her new boyfriend, Derek, Carl is in juvie, Ian's always up to no good with Mickey, and Fiona is either at Gus's or at work.

And Lip is at college with his professor.

Everyone's falling into their own lives so it's time that I find my own.

In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't the smartest decision to move in with Julian but over the past week, we've gotten to know a lot about each other. The 25-year-old that has stolen my attention is currently in the middle of med school while interning at a hospital up north. He's studying to be a pediatrician which has been his dream since he was a kid. Earlier this week, Julian set aside a dinner date for us to talk about our lives. Where we've been, where we want to be, deep shit like that.

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