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"My minds like a deadly disease..." - Halsey - Control

Losing innocence is something you can never get back

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Losing innocence is something you can never get back.

Whether you're introduced to sex and drugs or even a boy. Innocence is something that can be lost forever. With the simple intake of grey smoke or the simplest touch from a boy, you lose all the things that once made you sweet and naïve. The once small world you live in soon turns into a universe of opportunities waiting to be taken. Whether they're good opportunities or bad, that's up to you.

I took the road that's leading to my destruction.

Innocence was something I lost as soon as my parents got divorced. I learned heartbreak at such a young age that it tainted all of my future relationships. It all started with Bobby Warren. You all remember that prick right? The one who left my drugged out in the middle of the north side? The one who got me thrown in jail for wrecking all those cars? Yeah, that piece of shit fucked me up for life but I guess part of that was my fault. What I brought to that relationship was my twisted idea on fate and unity and that's all thanks to my parents.

Their divorce lead me to my first cigarette, my first beer, and my first heartbreak. Eventually I started slinging prescription pills and throwing punches at people left and right. All of my lost innocence will always lead me back to my dim witted parents.

I guess that's why I'm here.

With Renee in some random guys bathroom waiting for my turn at the devil's salt.

Yeah this is where my lost innocent led me.

----

This morning was a blimp. I woke up in a daze with a heavy head and burning nose. This has become a regular thing for me though, waking up like the walking dead looking like I slept in a dumpster. I took a quick cold shower before leaving the house. Renee brought a guy home last night and I haven't seen her since. I doubt she would miss me but I still left a note.

With shaking hands I poured the white pills into the palm of my hand and quickly shoved them in my mouth followed by cold water.

These are the pills that help me suppress my addict. She's alive inside me and I feel every bit of her. The addict is happy that I'm giving her everything she wants but if I don't take these pills, she'll want more. If I don't take these pills she'll win. Just like she did in California.

I took the el to the south side of Chicago and did my daily walk to the Gallagher's. I knew Lip wasn't going to be there but part of me hoped that I would be wrong. We hadn't spoke after he told me to leave the other day. There was no call, no text, no voicemail, nothing. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him because I was ashamed. Our fight wasn't as vicious as our old fights but it definitely brought back very vivid memories. It was a subject I didn't want to talk about but I knew I had to apologize. If I didn't, the guilt would eat me alive like my addict.

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