»part 15 » flowers bloom, hearts break

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Warning: NSFW content ahead.

"i hope i don't murder me...i hope i don't burden you..." - the beach - the neighbourhood

Cash Monaco is not an angry person

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Cash Monaco is not an angry person.

Cash Monaco is not an angry person.

Cash Monaco is not an angry person.

I repeat this over and over to myself as I walk with Lip down the streets of Chicago with anger filling my chest and pride slipping through my fingers. He holds my hand like he didn't just smash my heart. He laughs like he didn't just stab my feelings with a spear. He smiles like he didn't just start a fucking war.

He walks with his head held high like none of it mattered.

I'm not saying that I'm going to fall over and die of a broken heart because Lip invalidated our feelings for each other when we were younger. If you haven't learned anything about me, I'm not that kind of girl. I know heartbreak is inevitable and I know Lip and I aren't inevitable. We were always doomed from the start. But that doesn't mean it didn't fucking hurt.

It was like a slap to the face.

Yes, we were young as shit. Yes, we were crazy as fuck. Yes, it was impossible for two fuck ups to fall in love.

But it happened. I felt it and he saw it.

We were in love and it was everything right about being so wrong for one another.

It was captivating.

We sat at the rooftop for hours, the cold air biting at our skin and anger eating at my soul before we decided to head back to his house. He held my hand in his like nothing was wrong, like I was still his. But I wasn't, and he knew that. The naïve boy walked with ease as I walked with a grey cloud hovering over my every move. I felt a storm coming and I didn't know how to stop it.

I knew that holding in anger was bad. Dr. Etsy told me over and over that holding in your anger can lead to so many negative consequences. It can lead to many health and mental problems. She told me that this was my biggest weakness. My fucking temper. Etsy told me that I was a walking time bomb every time someone made me mad. For months, we worked on various exercises to help. To help me battle these demons that demand destruction. And for a while it worked. I had light shoulders, happy feelings. I felt like fucking bubblegum.

But then I came back here.

Lip doesn't help.

Neither do the drugs.

But what can I say? Old habits die hard.

That doesn't mean that I didn't try though. The whole walk home, I kept my mouth shut in fear of fucking it up for both of us. I didn't want to ruin everything we were building. All the time we spent arguing with each other in the past was wasted when we could have been using it to dissect each other's brain and fall deeper in love.

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