»part 30 » catching a butterfly

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"And are you still with that lover you never even loved?"

"And are you still with that lover you never even loved?"

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My heart took the lead.

Even in my dazed mind with fuzzy thoughts and heated cheeks, my heart knew exactly where to go.

But standing here, with a sheen of sweat glossing my forehead, and eyes redder than the flares of fire, I'm regretting every step. My brain never would have let this happen if I were sober. This wasn't where I thought I'd end up, but my heart might as well have a brain of its own. I guess this was my fight or flight senses. One wrong doing, and my first instinct was to run to the only person I wanted.

With a heavy gaze, I looked up at the beating heart with blue eyes and came to face with my consequences. My stomach dropped at the sight and all my words disappeared into smoke.

I shouldn't have come here.

Lip's surprised expression shifted to confusion as his brows knit together and his mouth slightly opened. His hair was pulled in different directions and his lids hung low. By the looks of it, I woke him from sleep with my foolish cries for help.

"Hey," He said before looking me up and down.

One simple word triggered water to flood to my tear ducts. I heaved my chest while sniffling my nose, trying to prevent the storm that I felt brewing inside. My chest constricted around my words, choking every excuse I had out of me. I was left with nothing to say and nothing to give. The guilt I was feeling was amplified as I watched him move closer to me and place both hands on my upper arms. My vision swayed at the contact, reminding me how out of it I really was.

"Hey," He whispered in a softer tone, "You okay? What's wrong?"

He didn't notice - either that or he didn't want to notice. I mean, one look at me and I'm sure I had 'drunk addict' written all over me. I could practically feel it dripping off of me and staining my skin. I shook my head causing a tear to roll down my cheek, "I messed up." I managed to say through my water filled voice, "I messed up, Lip."

Silence spoke with a million words written between our breaths. One minute he looked confused and the next he looked pensive. My heart beat with fear each passing second. I was fearful that he would be angry, but I was mainly fearful that this feeling would never go away. This dark feeling that hung over me like a cloud. That same cloud that would tell me I couldn't make it in this world sober.

His voice broke the second he opened his mouth. "Cash, are you high right now?"

A tear-filled scoff escaped my mouth and more tears rolled down my face. "God, I wish." I shook my head at the admission and looked at my shoes. "I was at a party..." I staggered to fight my tears, "And there was just so much going on. There were so many people and loud music. I was feeling tired." I stopped to wipe my nose with my sleeve, "I was feeling tired of fighting...and trying to be strong. I was just gonna have one drink...but..." My words drowned under the waves of emotions as I began to sob.

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