»part 18 » beautiful weakness

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"oh, your voice, it was the most familiar sound..."


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Stopping drug abuse isn't the hardest part for an addict.

The hardest part is living with sobriety.

It's living with the consequences of the choices you made while your mind was dipped into lala land. It's learning how to be comfortable with your own body while not under the influence. It's training your brain to think of something other than all the drugs and bad shit in your life.

It's everything that comes after getting clean, that's the hard part.

I don't know where to put my hands when I walk. I don't know how to sit down without shaking my leg nervously. I don't know how to think positively without harping on the past.

It's finding myself, that's the most difficult.

They say staying clean is the hardest part for an addict, and that may be true. But mostly, it's trying to find who you are without the drugs.

Who is Cassandra Monaco?

As Debbie, Liam, and I walk to Patsy's for one awkward dinner, I can't help but notice how many times I spin my rings around my finger. Feeling the warm silver spin across the circumference of my finger somehow soothes my nerves. Yes, I'm nervous to see Lip. Yes, I'm nervous to face old demons. But mostly, I'm afraid of doing it sober.

How do I handle difficult situations when I'm not on oxy? When I'm not cooked out?

"When did you lose your virginity, Cash?" Debs asked while holding Liam's hand.

Immediately, I'm thrown off guard and come to a complete stop, "What?"

Debbie stopped to look back at me and shrugged, "How old were you when you first had sex with a boy?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Where is this coming from? Why are you asking about sex?"

Her cheeks tinted to a color that matched her hair, "Well there's this boy..."

"There always is," I nodded, "Debbie, you're not having sex. Are you?"

She put her hand on her hip, "Seriously, Cash, how old were you?"

I remained silent for a few minutes to gather what was going on. Debbie asking about sex wasn't something that I put on my to-do list. It was far from my mind, actually. Normally, girls have this conversation with their mother or, in Debbie's case, her sister. That's just how it goes. When I was first learning about sex, the first person I went to was Fiona. I knew my mother wasn't capable of being serious during 'the talk' and Sarah, being the stripper waitress, was way too pro-sex to give me proper advice. The only reasonable person who made me feel comfortable talking about this with was Fiona.

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