»part 31 » once a leech

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"Paper thin, your words, they haunt my dreams..."


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Many would think that addicts were heartless.

Selfish beasts who suck the life out of anything that comes near them. They take what they want with no care for the mess they leave behind. Their actions are sporadic, their words are harsh, their eyes are cruel.

Everything about them is heartless.

At least, that's what most people who have lived with an addict would say. But their words aren't true to everyone. If we're being honest, then they're the selfish ones. When they look at their once loved one who's been plagued with addiction, they don't see hope. What they see is a vessel of the person they once cared about, walking around like a brainless zombie. But they only see that because that's what they want to see. To them it's easier to see a stranger rather than the one who meant the world to them.

They do it to spare their own feelings.

They're the heartless ones.

But what about the addicts? The addicts who spew hurtful words to get what they need to carry on? Well, you see, they aren't heartless at all. In fact, they feel too much to not be heartless. Addicts open their hearts to more than just people. They open their hearts to objects and lifeless things. Their hearts are twice the size of average because they want more room to love the things that make them feel full.

They're brave because their hearts are always open.

Addicts feel more than the average human.

So I guess you could say it was foolish of me to think that I could go on with my days being careless. The day I left Lip sleeping in his bed, I swore I wouldn't open my heart again. I swore I wouldn't waste a minute thinking about the boy with electric blue eyes that would sneak through my skin and bury love in my veins.

I thought it's what was best.

The truth is, after I left Lip, the thoughts were dormant. I couldn't rip the root of the feelings for the one boy I loved because he was too deep in my veins to rip out. As badly as I wanted to remove him from my thoughts, it was impossible. He lived in my head as much as I did.

Even though Lip was laced through my mind like ribbons, I've kept my distance. I only stop by the Gallagher house twice a week, and usually it's to restock their fridge and spend a few dinners with them. Granted it's only Debbie that I'm eating with, but it's better than the alternative. Julian is mostly at work and school most of his days, so I really only see him when I'm leaving to work. Every time I see him, he looks more and more lifeless. I can't tell if it's from working so hard or lack of sleep, but I sense something's up. I only hope we can find time to actually talk and hang out.

Putting all my time and energy into work, I've dedicated each minute of my life to avoiding my feelings. The more I work, the more tired I become and sleep becomes imminent. Sometimes I dream about Lip, but most of the times it's about Tony or Renee. I haven't heard from her in months, but from the looks of her Instagram, I can tell she's moved on. If only I could say the same.

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