I wake up in a hospital room.
I know it is a hospital room, I know the smell of it and I can hear them talking about me. This isn't the first time this happened, yet it's the worst because I know I blacked out.
"What happened?" Dad asks them. He probably just got here. I wouldn't really know.
"Sir, we don't really know, Lou?" Madz answers and then asks, she probably turned to Lou.
"She blacked out, that's all I know," Lou answers. A side of my lips slightly pull upward as he didn't say anything else. He knows fully well why I blacked out.
"Well, she was really against the arcade," Collin comments.
"Who are you?" Dad asks and the room had gone completely silent. I wasn't watching yet I can feel their tension all throughout the room.
"I'm Collin, Taylor's friend," says Collin, breaking off the icy atmosphere.
"We'll talk later. Louis?"
"Yes, sir?"
"A word, outside." It's an order so I hear footsteps walking outside.
I hear their quiet discussion with my mom later about what happened but all they can say is that they really don't know.
Waking up in a hospital, not knowing what time it is seems to be getting into habit now.
"Does anyone -- anyone know what time it is?" I ask, partially regretting the first statement but it already got out.
"Taylor!" All of them exclaims at the same time, except Collin though. He's really less reactive than the rest of my friends and I can really understand why.
Then, they start going around my bed, last one to do so is Collin.
Mom asks me a load of question about how I'm feeling and such, reminding me of the last time this happened. Amazing how events often happen similarly but definitely not the same way as before.
Then, it's my friends' turn.
"You okay?" Isabelli asks.
"Lying in a hospital bed right now, what do you think?" I ask, partly smiling.
"Nice to see you alive again," Collin says and laughs. I smile at him but the rest of them doesn't. "Hey, it's a joke. It's a joke."
"I know," I say before a second of silence gets out.
"So what happened?" Madz asks.
I shrug a bit, "I don't really know. I just blacked out and then, I'm here." Complete lie. Louis would know it is one but he's right outside.
Collin sits on the side of the bed and then says, "Does that happen often?"
I look at my mom first and all she knows is it's the first time. I black out a lot but mostly, I run to my room before everything happens. The worst attack was the last time, that's it.
"No," I lie.
"And yet you don't seem too stoked," he comments, making Madz and Isabelli look at each other. They probably think Collin has it right and. . . he is right. "Ha, just kidding. Do you want me to get you anything?"
"Look, if you want to leave, the door is open," Madz grumbles. I know she doesn't like Collin but I really don't mind it. Madz really has her way of showing her certain distates in a lot of things.
"Yeah, maybe I'd like to. Then, I'd get to get away from your English smart-talk," he mutters, partly glaring at her.
"This English smart-talker you're talking about is currently a lawyer in training so you better know when to reach your limits, Corner."
"Whoa, lawyer?" Collin blinks and looks at me. "You didn't tell me that part." Of course, he said, originally he wanted to be a lawyer.
"Never got the chance to."
"And now that you know--"
"Madelaine, please," he says with a dismissive hand. "Can you bloody lay off my arse for one second? I'm talking to Taylor." He asks, and I have to stiffle a laugh as he almost failed to imitate her accent.
Collin looks back to me as they start clearing away and sinking back into their own conversations. Isabelli, later on excuses herself and Madz comes along with her so all there's left is the three of us.
"Without your hair in a ponytail, it seems really long," he comments. "Not in a bad way though, you still look cute."
"And you're saying those things while mom is in the room, good luck," I retort then imitate a salute.
He laughs, "The thing about that is, I am --"
All head turn when the door opens up. I sort of expected my dad and Louis. Well, it was them but someone else first, leaving the room in complete silence.
Collin glances at Harry but still looks back to me. "-- very much aware of that. So I hope Mrs. Swift don't mind. Is it -- Is it something I should stop?" He turns to my mom who is staring at Harry who had just walked in.
"I'm sorry Tay, he just wanted to walk in," Louis says. "Nice to see you again, though, Harold."
"Nothing is nice when it is a forced entry. Especially by a Styles," dad grumbles, signifying how fast emotions change in this kind of atmosphere.
"Sir, with all due respect, I needed to be here. And to be completely fair, there had once been a time when you didn't say that name, my surname with spite," Harry says very formally without even looking at my dad. He keeps his eyes on me although I am trying my best not to look at him.
I try to just stare at Collin, who smiles up and turns to look at Harry. "Dude, that was like, years ago."
"Was I talking to you?" Harry glares at him.
"Harry, what are you doing here?" I ask, giving it everything I got not to blackout.
When I finally get a good look at him, his hair is thinner than usual, both at the sides and at the tops. A few thick curls still visible but absolutely thin.
What bothers me is the scar at the left side of his head, they seem stitched and it's got to be recent. I remember Runner saying something about him racing again but I am not sure if that has something to do with his scar.
My eyebrows meet. "What happened to you?"
Harry smiles up very slightly. He doesn't answer too. He just sits in one of the empty spaces of the sofa.
My dad settles at the seat near my mom while Louis excuses himself to go outside.
I have no idea why Harry has to be here, and neither do I have an idea how he found out but I can't exactly ask him. Not now, not when my dad's eagle eyes are on him.
He's the reason for this and there is nothing I'd want more than for him to be absolutely gone from here.
Yet, I also wonder about his scar. Where did it come from?
"Well, this just got awkward," Collin mutters, leading me to snap into earth. He seem to notice that too. "I'm gonna go ahead. Tay, Mr. and Mrs. Swift, Styles."
"What?" I ask.
"I have to get going," he says and then looks at the direction where Harry is in. "I'm more than covered. Fixed cellphone is around."
Huh?
"I'll see you, Tay." With that, he walks out of the hospital room.
"Oh, okay."
For a few more hours, I am unable to be myself as Harry is around. He doesn't talk with anyone, he just sits there quietly. I don't know why he wants to be there yet he surely isn't planning to talk to anyone. In fact, he's just a shadow in the corner that speaks to no one.
Collin comes back giving me cup noodles of the best flavor. . . sarcastically speaking, chicken.
"Uh, Collin, one thing you should probably know--"
"She doesn't like those,"Harry says. "In fact, she despises them. You should have asked."
He is not wrong though.
"Well, of course, you do know her a lot," Collin mutters sarcastically. "You probably also know she doesn't like being left behind but then, what happened?"
I wish he didn't say that. "Collin," I say, letting him know that he should stop.
Just as I say so, Harry gets on his feet and quickly storms his way to Collin, anger boiling inside his eyes.
"Would the two of you knock it off?!" Dad yells, allowing Harry to get his time to calm down.
"Harry," I whisper.
Harry glances at me. He shuts his eyes first and then takes a deep breath, leaving the room in complete tension.
"Sorry."
Forgave you the moment you stopped.
"Forgiven."
He smiles up a little. There's something really great in seeing him smiling so genuinely even if it's not that wide as usual. Still, there's a difference in his eyes. . .
He walks near me. No one in the room protests as he keeps going. His eyes on mine, "I'm sorry for this, again," he whispers then lays his lips on my forehead.
The whole room turns dead silent. None of them bothered to talk, all that happened was me staying perfectly still as Harry's lips slowly move away from my forehead.
"And uh, please, answer my call next time." He smiles again and then walks out of the room, leaving the rest of us in puzzles. I don't know what he's apologizing for, and why he said, again.
He can't possibly know that he's the reason why, unless Louis told him.
"Taylor," dad calls after a few moments of complete silence.
"Y-Yeah, dad?"
"You need to talk about his boundaries with you," dad says and I nod.
"I know," I reply.
Dad asks Collin to leave the room for a couple of minutes so we could talk and so he does. When the door shuts dad turns his attention to me.
"I thought you two already talked," dad says.
"We have," I reply truthfully. "I don't even know why he's here."
"Taylor, you can't have him coming back and leaving again. Do you even know the extent of what he's done to you?"
"Dad, I wouldn't wake up crying every single night if I didn't," I say, getting him to shut up because he didn't know that it still goes on, neither of them does. "Believe me, I know."
"What? Why didn't you tell us?" Dad asks.
"I keep many secrets like you two did when I woke up," I reply in an outsmarting way, then I take a deep breath. "Well, past is past, that's way over now. I just want to go home. Can I do that?"
Dad hesitates before saying we'll just wait for the doctor and I can live with that. A couple more minutes is nothing compared to four years.
When we get home, mom and dad both tells me that if I do keep waking up in the middle of the night, I should call their attention. Honestly, I've just finished with my psychiatrist schedules, I don't want it to continue so in complete conclusion, I have no plans on telling them whether or not the midnight wake-ups are continuing.
And they continue. . . I just don't tell anyone.
The night after doesn't really make an exception.
It's like waking up from a nightmare except my nightmares are true, they all happened before. That waking moment when you can't breathe, you're sweating like crazy. . . and you want to cry because the things you saw, are somethings you can never have again.
It's terribly cold tonight, autumn is coming to an end, so of course, that is to be expected. Then again, before my accident, we were always together and I didn't mind the cold.
I miss him.
I don't really know what kind of idiocy came over me for me to let him go but what's done is done. There's no point in getting it back, though.
I touch my cheek with fingertips, feeling my tears on them. This was supposed to be over.
The thing is, I thought it would be.
I shut my eyes tight, trying to think of what I'm going to do. Then, the craziest ideas just came to me.
Stupidest idea.
Right, go out in the middle of the night, take a drive and take a walk alone, especially when you just got out of the hospital. Stupid.
But that's me at the time so, I might as well.
I take my jacket and quietly make my way out. Wanda sees me but I tell her it's completely business so she lets me off and then I tell her not to tell my parents.
I take my car, which really had no use for me since I don't go out that much anymore. It takes me a few more seconds before I finally get the hang of it.
I drive around, not really knowing where to go. One of the strangest things I've ever done too.
I haven't done this and I don't really know why. And I really liked doing it. I can think but I don't really get fully distracted. It's better now.
Dark, cloudy skies, autumn leaves flying along with the wind, well-lit roads. . . Things I am already used to seeing. But at the very least, it feels like the first time.
I want to forget everything but at the same time, I want to go back to everything. As I pass the bridge by, I made it clear to myself that there's a place left for me to go to.
Sleep never really likes visiting me after I wake up in the middle of the night. Little did I know it, I am driving towns away, for hours and hours until I get to the old flat.
I wonder why it's still here though.
When I get into the lobby, I stare at every single detail. The chandelier is different, the wood isn't dark brown anymore, it's light. The bulbs aren't yellow, they're white. The walls around me are newly painted, at ankle-level is a dark, classic-style floral pattern. The carpets had been changed as well, a color ranging between maroon and brown.
"Can I help you, miss?" The receptionist asks.
Of course, I changed into normal clothes before I go out but considering it's three AM in the morning, I'm a strange sight.
I shake my head and walk towards the elevator, completely ignoring him. I remember the times when I went inside this elevator. There's rarely a time when he isn't here with me, holding my hand or telling me stories. Rarely.
Once I reach my floor, I walk to the flat. I didn't really mess with any of my keys so I still have mine. I get inside, wondering why Harry didn't abandon this place yet.
The moment I shut the door, I don't really bother turning the lights on. I see enough anyways and I know my way around the place.
I sit on the foot of the bed and stare at the wall in front, feeling this heavy weight in my chest.
I want it back. I want it all back but it's very selfish for me to.
Looking at these pictures right now just reminds me of the times I can never get back. I've never really given much thought before but four years. . . Four really long years where I left him alone.
I've only been suffering with him gone in a couple of months and I feel like I'd rather die but he was left for years. . . what he has dealt with is very much different, much worse than I'm dealing with right now.
I can't tell him I'm sorry. I can't tell him I want him back. I'd just mess him up. I always do. That's what I've been doing to him and all I've been thinking of is how much pain he gave me when he left me alone.
God, if he only knows.
If you only knew.
My eyes land directly on one of the notes on the wall, one of many things I've never seen there before. I groan a bit as I squint my eyes. Both the dark and my tears that hadn't came out didn't help at all.
I turn the lights on and walk towards the wall. At the desk near it, were the photographs that we didn't stick on the wall.
The dust is getting rather thick yet it seems a little too obvious that he touches the photographs every once in a while. But after that, what catch me are the new notes that I know I haven't seen before, some dated just a few weeks ago, then some, a couple of months ago, some years.
Writing?!
He's been writing to me?
I haven't even seen it before. On a green tack, he hung his favorite necklace he really loved. In fact, he never took it off. Just now.
I take it from the tack and then set it on the desk, along with the dusty photos. And then I start reading through the notes in a partly random order. A few catches my eyes very instantly as they were recent.
It's almost the same as his letter, the one in the hollowed book where everything is a mess. Messy ink all around and confusing punctuations. Yet, still with the same old neat handwriting he always had.
Yesterday you told me you didn't want us to be together. not anymore.
I let you.
im still asking myself why.
I take a very deep breath before continuing and right then, I think I made a mistake.
Tay. . . I keep telling myself I understand. I don't.
I miss you.
I did it all wrong. I made the wrong choices. I was lost
I still am.
I stop reading that note and try to distract myself to the rest even though I know it's still the same sweet torture.
I move on with the neatest note, the one that doesn't have any ink smudges and as clean as a paper you'd hand in for school.
I know you won't be reading this. In fact, I am not sure if you'll be coming back to this place. You made it clear you won't and I understand.
You're still my best girl, Tay.
I'll call you before my race this weekend. I always do and I need you to answer me one last time. Please?
I shut my eyes again as I walk away from the wall.
"Okay," I whisper to myself as if Harry would hear it. One last time before his race, before I leave this place, before I go somewhere very far.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I love you.
I smile just a little bit, remembering the many times he said that. And he proved it to be true.
I always believed him and I still do.
The only difference is, it doesn't really matter anymore.