CARMELITA’S POV
Silence.
Complete silence between the two of us.
From one minute being able to tolerate one another and keeping the peace to another ending up in one big emotional mess.
I knew what I was in for from the beginning from both sides of the party but now I stand for the very first time in regret.
I regret spending four years devoting myself to a womaniser and putting me in danger that I believed would be a better life.
What did I get out of it? Money and a broken heart.
Money can’t buy you happiness. I know that because even though I have enough money for the rest of my life it doesn’t fix what I feel right now.
Betrayed. Hurt. Frustrated. Sad. Hopeless.
I never thought in my entire twenty years of my life that I would ever be cheated on for four years straight by a man I considered to be my beloved for the rest of my life.
But look at us now. Here we are in a hotel room, one hour away from home, crying about all the deepest and darkest confessions my boyfriend tells me by the minute.
I can’t even look at him.
That’s how disgusted and upset I am with him however with the tears that runs down my face nonstop makes it difficult to see a clear vision as well.
“Say something Carmelita.” Zayn pleads quietly, finally breaking the silence between us.
“What the fuçk must I say?! It’s okay Zayn!? I am completely fine with it?! I am fucking not!” I scream at him angrily as I grab the glass vase from the coffee table and throw it in his direction.
Immediately, Zayn ducks towards the side as the vase hits against the wall, shattering into many pieces on the carpet.
“I am sorry. I am so fucķing sorry and I know it will never help after what I said but I am deeply sorry for every single thing I did to you. It was never intentionally. I love you from the bottom of my heart.” He says to me and I can hear his voice becoming uneasy.
“I know how it feels to lose you because you have slipped away from me. I have lost the only woman ever loved and I know I will never find someone as good as you. I am so fucking scared to see what the future holds because I see nothing positive without you.”
By now I hear Zayn’s voice cracking and sniffles. Turning around I see his back towards me and his hands covering his face as he cries.
Oh no. Here we go again.
“I- I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t want to do this without you. I don’t want to sleep alone every night. I don’t want to come home from work to no one and I surely don’t want to be lonely for the rest of my life.” He explains through his tears.
“I know I messed up tremendously this time and I know what I did was wrong but you have no idea how sorry I am Carmelita. I am so ashamed and upset with myself that I actually tolerated for four years but I know am done with it now. Please forgive me for this.”
For the first time, I actually burst out laughing despite my tears that continue to run down my face.
I can’t believe every single thing that is happening right now.
I have to admit, Zayn crying is getting to me but now I am feeling no pity towards him.
“Forgive you? Forgive you for fuckinģ other bitches behind my back for a couple of years? Let me tell you something Zayn. I could have finished high school and do my second year in university in this very moment we speak. I could have seen my family and friends whenever and wherever I wanted to. Where am I instead now? A miserable rich bitçh who was just some slut to an older man in a State I don’t fucking want to be in.
“You played me from the moment you saw me and continue to through the years for your own satisfaction and have no absolutely no fucking idea what damaged you caused to me and my loved ones. I disobeyed my damn parents for you because I fucking loved you and I made sure you didn’t go to jail for statutory rapē against me! I almost caused several problems between my parents because of you, so I will never forgive you for ruining my life because that’s what you did!
“You ruined every single aspect of it for your stupid game and satisfaction. I just wish I never ever met you so I that I wouldn’t be in this bullshiț. I was so fucķing stupid to ever beg you to take me with you.” I point the accusing finger as I watch him wipe away his tears.
If I could just turn back the time to the party four years ago and avoid Zayn at all costs, I would do it in a blink of an eye but maybe Dios had planned this for me whether I liked it or not.
Well this is most shittest part of my entire life.
Thank you Dios for throwing me under the damn bus.
“What about the baby that I lost? What do you have to say about that?”
I watch Zayn take a sharp breath, taken back my new topic that he probably wished I wouldn’t bring up but he should know better.
Carmelita does not forget anything, especially if it’s about her.
Before Zayn can answer me, he takes a seat in the armchair and watches me like a hawk. “You thinking of some shiţ excuse to tell me?”
“Carmelita... I never expected you to be on your death bed that night. I never thought that it would go that far but you have to understand that I was not ready and still I am not ready to have such a big responsibility. The timing wasn’t right for either of us and imagine if you were still pregnant? Sirus would have killed that baby and how would you feel about it? Would you rather lose the baby, having no idea you were actually pregnant or would you suffer all the pain of Sirus torturing you and that baby?
“I was scared and I panicked. I didn’t want you to think that you were pregnant so I had to act fast by giving you the abortion pill. I know that it tears you apart that you had a miscarriage and that it was probably your only chance to have a baby with me but I am just not ready to have children. I would say the same about you. Together we need to make sure that we can give our child a stable and safe life but with the way things are going on between us, you are better off without a child for now.
"You are only twenty years old Carmelita. You can do so many things now and a baby will tie you down right in this moment. You need wait a couple of years until you on your feet and know that you have someone who wants a family just as bad as you do.” Zayn explains calmly.
“I am not emotionally stable to take such a big responsibility as well as health wise. I have been struggling inside with anxiety, insomnia and my drųg addiction has taken a turn for the worst Carmelita. One night I felt like I was literally dying the way my body was going on. I would never ever want my child to see any of this shiť that is going on right now. I did the right decision for the both of Carmelita. You have to understand.”
“You could have at least had the audacity to tell me Zayn. That’s all. I would have taken the test to make sure and I could have done it the easy way. That’s all. Yes, it might have been fuckîng hard but I know that I am doing this for my child. To protect him or her from this nightmare.”
“I know but I know how adamant you are to have a baby with me, that’s why didn’t do it. Trust me, I didn’t want to do it the wrong way but was left no choice Carmelita.” Zayn murmurs.
Once again, we are left in silence to dwell in our thoughts.
How four years we both lived upon lies constantly, not knowing that things would lead to where we are right now. It all seems so crazy and unreal right now.
And I don’t know what to do about it. I am left speechless and confused.
There are certain things Zayn said about what he did to me about the baby which is the truth but then there is the cheating that takes the cake for me.
Somehow after all the terrible things he has done to me, I just want to seek comfort from him.
Nodding, I take a shaky breath in to catch my breath but all that crying has really left me breathless. For some strange reason, I feel my anxiety building up rapidly as my heart begins to beat fast and my throat feels heavy.
Even with my quick breaths and fanning my face constantly, my panic attack gets the best of me as I drop onto the plush carpet with tears streaming down my face. “Carmelita!” Zayn yells at me as he jolts out of his seat but he stumbles over his own two feet, falling onto the carpet as well while he knocks his head hard against the glass table.
Gasping through my cries, I crawl over to Zayn quickly who is cussing as he holds his hand against his head. “Fuckiņg hell.” He groans quietly.
“Zayn, are you okay?” I ask frantically and he hums in discomfort. “That fucķing hurt but I am okay.” He mumbles, not moving one inch.
Wrapping my arms around his upper body, I drag him towards the bed for him to lean against something. Just before I am about help him up to his feet, he looks up at me with his glossy brown eyes.
“Come sit down for a while to calm yourself down. I don’t want you to worry about me. Just worry about yourself right now.”
Nodding, I sit down next to him and grab a tissue from the side table next to the bed to wipe away my stray tears.
“You okay?” He asks me sincerely that I can’t help but scoff.
“You really asking me that now?” I say through my sniffles.
“I guess I am. Besides the whole reveal of the truth, how have you been after the whole Sirus thing? I know you are strong and hold your emotions from time to time like me but how are you really feeling?”
Traumatised. Insomniac. Anxious. Dirty.
Ever since he tortured me physically and sexually, everything just doesn’t feel fine. I haven’t talked about it to anyone and even when I tried, I just burst into tears thinking about it.
“I am just glad it’s over. That’s all.” I say instead, looking ahead of me.
“What did he really do?” He pushes.
“Just leave it Zayn!” I yell at him.
“Carmelita, it’s okay to tell me and I feel like this is one thing you can at least tell me after I told you everything. It’s eating you alive.” Zayn says quietly.
Tell him Carmelita. Talking about it will set you at ease.
There is silence between us as the memories of me in Sirus’s bedroom replays in my head.
My screaming and crying of him begging him to stop, his moans and groans of satisfaction, not being able to move due to the restraints on my arms and legs.
Looking towards my side, I shut my eyes tightly close to suppress the tears that are threatening to spill. I feel Zayn’s hand on my arm, squeezing it in comfort.
“Did he räpe you as well?”
“Not in the usual way. He...” I trail off once Sirus’s voice rings in my head making me shudder quietly.
“Looks like someone is enjoying it.”
“Did he... with his fingers...” He asks, finding it difficult to complete the sentence.
I just nod in response as the silent tears fall down my face, not wanting to speak about it.
I still feel so dirty for actually coming for him against my own will. I never thought my body would betray me like that but it’s apart of the experience.
“And he continued until you finished, am I right? Or you didn’t-“
“I did.” I whisper shamefully and the next thing I know, Zayn wraps his arms around my shoulder bringing me closer to him.
As I sit on his lap with my arms around him as I cry against his shoulder while he wraps his arms around me in comfort, I realise how much I missed his warm embrace.
“It’s all over, okay? He is dead and he is not going to hurt you or do a thing like that ever again to you.” Zayn whispers to me sincerely.
“I-If you did not come at that time....” I cry, unable to finish the sentence as I remember Sirus taking off his underwear, ready to fulfil one of his deepest desires.
“I know babe. I know. I am so glad I came just at the right time.”
ZAYN’S POV
I spoke too soon about struggling with my health because right now, I lay in a king sized bed alone, soaking wet from sweat as my body cries for any type of drùg to enter into my body.
My breathing is shaky, my head is spinning and I feel like I am going to throw up at any moment.
Looking in the direction of Carmelita, she is sound asleep on the plush couch.
I don’t want to wake her up. I have been a nuisance for too long now and to add this to her plate is the last thing I want.
Unable to take the wave of nausea, I slide out of bed and rush to the bathroom as I throw up all the contents of dinner into the toilet bowl.
Even after emptying the contents of my stomach, I clutch onto the bowl as I feel myself feeling more lightheaded than before.
“Zayn?” I hear Carmelita call out but I don’t move once inch. Once her footsteps become louder and she enters the bathroom, she gasps before running over to me.
“Oh my god! Zayn!” She yells as she drops onto the floor next to me, running her hand through my sticky and sweaty hair.
“Help... m-me.” I stutter breathlessly and she quickly rushes out the room to grab the pills for me to take in a case like this.
In a matter of seconds, she runs back into the bathroom, dropping down to her knees again and passes me the pills.
With my shaky hands, I throw the pills into my mouth and I swallow them dry while Carmelita fills a cup up with water for me to wash it down properly. She sits back down and tilt the cup towards me to drink.
I allow a few minutes to pass by to calm myself and allow the pills to kick in which helps me feel completely better compared to how I was feeling before.
My breathing remains erratic but my head finally stops spinning. “You okay? Do you need go to the hospital?” She breaks the silence.
“No.” I mumble as I take the cup out of Carmelita’s hold, finishing the rest of the water in one go.
“I told you it was a bad idea going away from your doctors because look what has happened.” Carmelita mumbles as she rubs my shoulder in comfort but I don’t answer her as I know she is right as always.
She stands up on her two feet and extends her arm out for me grab on to get up. Before I can grab her arm, I pass her the empty cup to put on the counter then take a hold of her arm to get back on my two feet.
“I am going to run you a bath, okay? It’s much more easier for the both of us.” She suggests but I just nod in response.
Carmelita walks us over to the edge of the bath, sitting me down before she runs the water into the bathtub. The next couple of minutes she walks up and down, getting all my toiletries together while the water takes its own time to fill up in the tub.
“I’m sorry.” I mumble while looking down to my feet, avoiding any eye contact with me.
“Hey, it’s okay. It was bound to happen and I am glad I just helped you at the right time because I don’t want you to die in this hotel, right in front of me.” She says reassuringly as she pats my shoulder.
By now, the tub is filled with enough water. Carmelita helps me get into the tub and once I sit down in the warm water, I can’t hold my emotions as cover my face as I begin to cry.
I don’t know how long can do this anymore. I might have nothing to lose but everything has become too much for me to handle.
My health and emotions has been up and down which I find hard to struggle with. To add on, now I am here trying to recover from a shooting incident which constraints me from several daily activities.
“Zayn?” She whispers as she places her arm around me. As much as I want to answer her, I can’t stop crying as the tears continue to flow down my face and the words are stuck in my throat.
“What’s wrong? Why you crying?” Carmelita asks quietly as she runs her hand through my wet hair.
“I-I am so over e-every fuckinģ t-thing.” I stutter before taking a shaky breath in to calm myself down.
“I don’t know how much longer I can handle it.” I say quietly. “I have nothing to lose. Our relationship is a complete disaster and you hate my guts for all the things I did behind your back, I feel fucķing disabled because of you treating me like some child and I just want to get fucķing high yet here I am; feeling so hopeless and defenceless for the first time in years.”
“Zayn...” She whispers. “I know it’s a very hard time but you going to get all the help you need to overcome this.”
“I am scared.” I mutter, looking ahead of me but I look at her who looks like she is about to cry. “I am so scared for the next couple of months. It’s going to be long, difficult, intense and lonely.”
“I know that but I am a phone call away if you ever want to speak. I know that we are really in a bad place but I am here for you if you ever need the support.” Carmelita says quietly. I reach out for her free hand, squeezing it in reassurance.
“Thank you. I know you always have my back through everything. I appreciate it so much.”
I am going to miss her so fuckinģ much when I leave for rehab tomorrow.
I am going miss her being around me, her weird interests, her shouting and swearing at me when I always do something wrong, her addictive smile and laughter, her seductive and sensual ways, waking up next her and her amazing cooking.
But mostly I am going to miss knowing that she was mine and that she was my future.
But maybe... we weren’t meant to be.
CARMELITA’S POV
With a busy day, pushing Zayn in a wheelchair along the streets downtown, the amount of sleep I had last night definitely had an effect on me.
I am completely tired. Emotionally and physically.
What’s new?
After his 3AM incident, I had to clean him up and because of us being a vulnerable situation, I ended up sleeping next him in the bed with each other not leaving one inch of space between us.
Even though Zayn fell asleep very quickly, I remained awake in his arms, over-thinking about the situation between us.
Zayn breaking down in front of me, telling me exactly how he feels about everything has shocked me. I never expected him to ever feel actually scared of facing the harsh reality of rehab that he has to face tomorrow all alone.
Everything between has collapsed so quickly upon us that in the end, this is how we will walk away from each other.
And it somehow sunk in for me – Zayn is leaving for rehab tomorrow and it’s probably the last time I will ever see him again.
It feel so unreal.
From waking up almost everything single day to him next to me, spending time together, physically pleasing each other, doing things together and risking our lives together for four years to now going separate ways.
It literally feels like yesterday I met Zayn for the first time as an acquaintance and here we are, shopping for his necessities for the next three months that he will be needing for rehab.
“Carmelita?” Zayn calls out while he taps on my hand, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry. What?” I ask him puzzled, making him frown but he brushes it off.
“Drive.”
Looking ahead, I see the empty streets in our neighbourhood and immediately my foot pushes on the gas to drive down the road.
“You have been distracted the whole day. What’s up?” Zayn asks next as I continue to make our way back home.
“Just tired.” I say nonchalantly, paying my full attention to the road ahead.
“You can fool me all you want Carmelita but I know you like a book.” Zayn snorts humorously.
“I am genuinely tired. Muchas gracias señor Zayn.” I say sarcastically as I pull up into the driveway.
Zayn laughs, a coy smile tugging on his lips. “Always so cheeky chops around me.”
This time I laugh as I turn the car off, looking at him. “Cheeky chops?”
“Let me be British in America, bueno señorita Carmelita?” He says playfully, making me gasp.
“Look at you using big words in my language! It even rhymed!” I chuckle as I get out of the car to take all today’s shopping out of the boot.
“I got to start somewhere.” He shrugs, getting out of the car.
“You joined the club too late. Besides, I don’t think you will fit in.” I tease him as we both walk to the entrance of the house.
“Why?” He asks puzzled.
“Your accent. Your damn accent.” I joke, opening the door to see Sophia laughing with Jade as the two of them lay on the couch with Ameera in the middle.
Their laughter dies down as Jade sits up with a smile on her face but once she sees Zayn enter after me, her smile fades away quickly.
“You. Out. Now.” Zayn seethes at her, taking Sophia and I by surprise.
“What?” The three of us ask Zayn flabbergasted but it doesn’t phase him as he continues to glare at Jade glares at him as well.
“You heard what I said. Get the fuçk out of my house. You not welcomed here.” Zayn says impatiently as he points towards the door.
“Zayn-“ I speak up but he interrupts me as he continues to rant in front of us.
“All you ever do is talk bullshiț behind my back and make me feel small but not in my fucķing house! I am pretty sure that I am not welcomed in your house so it applies here. This is the last day I spend in my house and I surely don’t want any of your bìtching around so please get out of my fuckiñg house now, you crazy bitçh!” He yells at her this time.
Just before I speak up, Jade says something that I never expected her to do in my entire life.
“Carmelita, what do you have to say about how he is acting in front of us women?”
By now, everyone has their eyes on me and but what bothers me the most is Zayn who is waiting for me to answer the question more than the two women.
I have to be honest and I know for a fact my answer is going to affect one of them.
I have to choose a side whether I like it or not.
“If he wants you to leave, you will have to. I can’t do anything because it’s not my house. I have no say. I am sorry.” I say to her truthfully.
Jade slowly nods, snorting as she picks Ameera up along with the baby bag. “Fine. I will leave then but you know what Carmelita and I will say it in front of everyone, you always choose Zayn over everyone. After you have been through hell and back with him, it’s always been him you choose in the end.
“You always tell us that you don’t need him but yet here you are, taking his side as usual. You might not need him money wise but it’s like you always looking for attention and love from him, which may I add, you looking for it in the wrong place honey.”
Just before she can walk out, I speak up. “Why does it matter to you? I can do whatever the fuçk I want. If I want him, then I will fùcking have him. It’s all on me in the end.” I retort and she turns around.
“Then we see who keeps crying to me saying she can’t take it anymore. You asking to get hurt as usual. What’s new? Same shìt I have to hear constantly. You are so delusional Carmelita. Please spare me from hearing another story. Bye.” She laughs as she reaches for the handle of the front door.
“Bye puta.” I wave at her with a smile of my face, making her turn around quickly.
“Puta? You the fuckinģ puta if you slept with Louis to make Zayn jealous!”
“Liar! At least I can count the men I slept with which happens to be two. Let’s see how many you have slept with? There is Liam, Harry, Donovan, Enrico, Julio-“ I say each name as I count on my fingers which is enough to make Jade snap as she places Ameera on one of the chairs and she lurches towards me but Zayn stands in front of me.
“Don’t think for one second that you can hurt Carmelita in my house. Leave this very moment otherwise I will call the police.” Zayn threatens her and she looks at Zayn, completely raged with anger then me before she leaves.
“All of you can go fuçk yourselves and I hope you all live a miserable, unhappy life. Especially you Zayn Malik!” Jade yells out furiously as she grabs Ameera from the chair and bangs the front door close.
There is complete silence between the three of us as I wrap my head around the fact that I actually stood up for myself for a change to Jade.
She is my best friend but with the way she keeps going on with me, controlling me, forcing me to do things I might not like makes me feel small at times.
I can’t believe she actually acted this way in front of Zayn and Sophia. It’s so hard to wrap my head around the fact that she actually insulted me and was making me chose her side.
She might be right about me choosing Zayn over everyone but mentioning my personal life in front of them is not acceptable.
She thinks she can be a bitçh but I can show her who is the biggest bitçh of them all.
Zayn turns around, looking much more calm than before as he looks at me with concern. “Are you okay?”
“I need a time out. I need a time out.” I say repeatedly as I pace outside to the back to calm myself with nicotine.
Reaching for my pack of cigarettes and lighter in my jacket pocket, I light the cigarette between my lips and inhale deeply with my eyes shut tightly closed.
Slowly I exhale, feeling less tensed than I was before. I hear footsteps pad against the concrete making me turn around to see Zayn walking over to me as he sits down on the edge of the couch.
“Can I have one?” He asks and I stare at him flatly.
“No Zayn. You can’t.” I answer before taking another puff of the cancer stick.
“Come on. It’s just one and it’s nicotine. Not wëed or cocąine. I am literally dying because I am craving it so badly!”
Rolling my eyes I pass him one cigarette out of my pack and light it for him. He repeats the actions of inhaling the nicotine deeply then exhaling slowly with his eyes shut closed.
“Just what I fuckìng needed after that bitçh causing a scene in my fuckinlñg house.” Zayn mutters before taking another drag from the cigarette.
“You don’t fûcking say. I still can’t believe she actually insulted me in front of you and Sophia. Now I see her true colours as well.”
“I never trusted her from the very beginning and I still don’t. She wanted to attack you for God’s sake! When did Jade ever want to do that to you?” He exclaims.
“Yeah. People change and are so hypocritical. It’s funny how I always stood up for her and now she talks shìt about me.” I laugh once I exhale the smoke out.
“Thank you for standing up for me. You clearly showed Jade once again whose side you have chosen when you could have fight about it.”
“I am done fighting with everyone. I just had enough and I just don’t have the energy to keep doing it. Even though I had to be a bitçh to Jade, it’s the only way she would leave. She must not think I am going to apologise to her because I did nothing wrong.”
“You called her a sļut, Carmelita. That’s not a nice thing to say.” He laughs.
“I don’t care. She called me a slùt for no valid reason. I didn’t sleep with Louis to make you jealous! I was under the influence! That bitçh had to twist the fucķing story!” I exclaim angry making him laugh once again.
“I know babe. She is treating you like a punching bag because of the issues she has going on with Donovan. I say cut her out when you go back to Miami. You don’t need any of that bullshiț on your back. You have other things that are much more important than her.” Zayn says nonchalantly as I throw my dead cigarette in the ashtray.
“We will see. Come on. Let’s go eat lunch and then pack your stuff.”
》》》
I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!
I have been quiet.
I just have a lot of stuff right now on the moment and I actually went a bit blank for this chapter but I am pretty sure the wait was worth it.
The next chapter is going to be one big emotional rollercoaster so get your tissues babes.
Tomorrow I am seeing my baby Justin so I can’t freaking wait! It’s been four years since I have seen him.
Love you lots. Bye bye.
XO