Harry
"I don't understand. Our little tour begins in your flat?" Elena asks quietly when I close the door, making sure to lock it behind me.
"Yes," I reply, taking her hand once again, standing so we're facing each other. "Hi, I'm Harry and I'll be your guide tonight, please stay close to me and don't touch anything. Thank you, let's go."
She laughs lightly, following me as I walk toward the two doors to our right. One of the doors leads to my room, but that's not the one it matters at the moment. I gulp when I anxiously glance at the other door, squeezing Elena's hand unconsciously. "So, this room right here. . . it belonged to someone who was very important to me. Someone whose death resulted in me becoming this way."
Her eyes bore into the side of my face and I know the look she's giving me; it's probably filled with empathy but also pity, and I don't want to see it. "It's my fault he died," I admit quietly, taking a few moments to ponder it, starting to feel glum and a lump forming in my throat. "Moving on," I manage to say, clearing my throat as I glance at her.
She doesn't try to persuade me into telling her more, only following me silently while I walk toward the bathroom. "Have you ever been so disappointed in yourself you couldn't even stand looking at your reflection?" I ask, seeing how she's noticed there's a mirror missing. I broke it months ago, it made my hallucinations even worse and I reacted when I was in that deluded state.
"I have," she surprises me by answering. I wait to see if she's going to say more, but she doesn't.
I turn, pulling her along with me out of the bathroom, stopping in the living room. I lift our joined hands, making her look at them. "My rings. Most don't have a meaning, besides the silver one since my dad gave it to me." I then lift my other hand where a sole ring is. "Now this one. . . this one has more than one meaning." I look at the letter engraved on the circle attached to the ring, feeling that familiar sting in my chest.
"We don't have to do this if-"
"No, that's okay," I assure her. "It's just. . . I haven't really verbalised these things, you know, these parts of myself. Because that room keeps a part of me and my past that he took with him, that mirror represents the part of me that's gone and the part that keeps reminding me of what I did. The ring represents the part I'm trying to listen - the one that tells me I should move on and fight, but never forget."
"Even my tattoos mean something to me. All the scars on my skin have a story too - well most of them are there because I was too clumsy - but that's not the point, the point is, they're a part of me." I pause, finally daring to look into her eyes. "I know I'm definitely a handful, despite the fact I'm amazing, and funny, and gorgeous-" she raises her eyebrow, giving me a look "-yeah okay, I'll stop. Anyway, I just wanted you to understand why am I the way I am. I'm still not ready to tell you the whole story, but-"
"Harry," she says. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, it's who you are. If I had any problem with that, you and I would never have happened."
She lets go of my hand, looking slightly anxious. "I have a few parts of myself I've been keeping locked away or hidden, too. One of them is that dreadful tattoo which is a reminder of my past. It's both good and bad, I guess. Good because it reminds me I'm a survivor and bad to remind me of my mistakes. . . both past and future ones."
"I accept you with your past and your mistakes even though it might not seem like it, even though I tend to have doubts like every human being does."
She gives me a small smile, her eyes glancing at her bicep and I fear of what she might do. "Don't. . . don't reveal it."
"I wasn't going to," she defends, a slight frown forming a crease between her eyebrows as she takes a step back. "I know how you react when you see it, I'd never do that to you on purpose."
"I'm sorry, I know. I'm an idiot, I shouldn't have said it." I curse myself mentally, knowing I've interrupted her when she was about to tell me something about herself. By the look on her face, I can say the moment is gone, especially since it had something to do with something so delicate like the mark she seems to loathe as much as I do. But I could never loathe the person wearing it and she needs to know that.
"Lena, I'm really sorry. I know it probably feels awful whenever you see me react that way, but it really has nothing to do with you."
"Harry, I understand, it's alright." She smiles and takes my hand once again, interlocking our fingers and relieving some of the tension I didn't even know was there. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
I smile. "Who said anything about leaving?"
. . . .
"Okay I got this one when Alex was chasing me around with a fork for stealing his cake," Elena says, laughing as she shows me the faded scar on her hand. "I fell down and almost dropped it, but I managed to protect it because. . . skills, I guess." She shrugs. "Before Alex could jump on me, I stuffed the cake into my mouth. His eyes were all teary, but it was so worth it, I mean it was chocolate."
"You really like cake, don't you?" I ask and she sighs longingly, nodding. "How old were you? Seven, eight?"
"Uh, seven. . ." she mumbles and I smile at the thought of cute little siblings running around.
"Teen. . ."
"Why am I not surprised." I burst out laughing. "I guess it's my turn." I glance at my outstretched arms, searching for some scars. For the past half an hour, we've been exchanging stories of how we got our scars and trying to compete with each other in which story is more stupid.
"Alright I got these when I was six," I say, pointing to barely visible scars on my ribs, hidden with tattoos. "Remember how I told you I had a cat named Cat? Well my cat knowledge back then was very vague so I grabbed it by its tail and pulled it to my bed with me-" she snorts "-and used it as my pillow-" she covers her face "-and she crawled beneath my shirt and began scratching me. It was like someone was ripping my gut apart- hey stop laughing!"
"Aww and you just wanted to cuddle!" She coos, pinching my cheeks, making me roll my eyes and laugh along with her.
"Can I ask you something? It's personal, so if you don't want to answer, don't." She nods reluctantly, her smile fading, a cautious look appearing on her features. "Those scars on your back. . . how did you get them?"
Elena casts her gaze down, her brows pulling together in a deep frown, making me realise the story is as horrible as I thought. When she finally gazes up at me again, a pained expression flashes over her features. "I got them for Alex. Everything I do, I do for my brother."
My eyes widen slightly, pain rushing through my chest when I remember my brother and his warm smile. "I understand completely. There's not a thing you wouldn't do for your family or someone you consider your family."
She nods, a small smile appearing on her lips for a brief moment as if she's relieved I understand. "Exactly. Alex was never. . . skilled when it came to being on the field and operating a gun or anything similar. For God's sake, he can't stand blood." She laughs lightly, but it's a fond laugh, not a mocking one. "I, on the other hand, never had a problem with it. It's one of the major reasons our uncle chose me to take his position one day."
I nod, letting her know I'm listening. "Since he wasn't a soldier material, he would get punished a lot for his constant failing, no matter how hard he was trying. Punishments would range from running fifty laps around the base to severe physical punishments like punches from our superiors."
I visibly cringe, remembering how she expected me to punch her the day she threw that knife at me. I was baffled she thought I'd do that, but now I understand why, the whole concept of physical punishments being absolutely disgusting to me. My hands grab one of hers, clasping it between mine like she sometimes does to show me she's with me and help me through a stressful situation. Now is my turn to do the same.
"One day Alex did a minor thing, like missing to shoot the centre of the target or failing to do some exercise session, I'm not sure. His supervisor had had enough of his "pathetic weakness" as he'd put it-" she frowns deeply, fisting her hands "-so he decided to punish him in the worst way possible. The only ones getting whipped in Vortex were our prisoners as a form of getting information, but they decided to do it to my brother! To the person who deserves all the best in this world." Her breathing is heavy, pure rage radiating off her. "My uncle did nothing to stop it, trusting the supervisor's decision. Once I found out, I couldn't let them go through with it, so I confronted them and demanded to let him go. When they wouldn't budge, I did what had to be done, my brother didn't deserve that."
"You offered to take his punishment," I clarify and she nods, looking away. I feel for her in this moment, admiring her bravery and compassion. My heart clenches in my chest when my mind creates a very vivid image of her getting those strikes, my jaw tensing.
"Alex never found out about it, and I don't want him to. He already feels guilty for the things he shouldn't feel guilty about, this is the last thing he needs."
I can see how upset remembering the horrible event has made her, so I scoot closer to her, my back resting against the headboard as I spread my outstretched legs slightly so she can fit between them and pull her to me, circling my arms around her. She bends her knees and sits sideways, laying her head on my shoulder, her nose brushing along my jaw as she buries her face into the crook of my neck. In a way, with this physical connection, I'm projecting the emotional one which is only growing stronger with each new revelation about her. And it's terrifying me, I'm feeling things I didn't know I could feel. For some reason, it's almost as if I can feel the pain she'd felt that day when she had to receive those whip strikes.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, feeling her warm and fast breaths on my neck. "I truly admire you."
Her lips attach to the skin of my neck, leaving a warm kiss on it, tingles appearing on the spot, the sweet gesture making my heart skip a beat. The warmth of her body is searing through the layers of our clothing, my chin resting on top of her head, my eyes closing for a few moments as I revel in the feel of having her in my arms. I love every second of it.
"I wish I had at least half of your strength," I admit honestly, eyes fixed on nothing specific as I tighten my hold on her.
"You're stronger than you think," Elena says, pulling back just enough so she can look me in the eyes. "You're reminded of your past every single day yet you manage to fight your guilt and you're trying to live with it and forgive yourself. That speaks a lot about you, Harry, I just wish you could see what I see."
A soft smile paints onto my lips as I take in her words, my lips pressing to her forehead. "You always know what to say."
"Oh, that reminds me, I have something for you." Involuntarily, I release her so she can retrieve whatever she has for me, burying her hand into her pocket, taking out the item. My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I wait for her to open her hand, which she ends up doing. A simple silver ring is lying on top of her palm, my previous confusion only growing. Then a realisation strikes me.
"Woah this is so sudden, I really like you but damn, I'm not ready for that step, I don't even know if you're a dog or a cat person, or maybe even a bunny or goldfish person-"
"Harry, I'm not proposing you," she says flatly, smacking my chest playfully. "Seriously, I'm not even kneeling or anything, I'd do it properly and in the whole romantic candles and flowers type of way, like come on you're underestimating me."
"Oh." I blink. "Then what's the ring for?"
"I know you tend to have those severe episodes where you can't make out what's real and what isn't, and I won't be able to be there every single time to help you, so I came up with a solution," she explains. "I don't want to make you dependent on me because I believe you're strong enough to fight it on your own, but you still need a bit of help."
"This ring is mine and I want you to have it with you at all times to remind you what's real, to remind you you're strong enough and I believe in you." She gives me a supportive smile.
A strong feeling washes over me, pure admiration and affection taking over me as I look into her warm eyes, my mouth splitting in a grin. "Have I ever told you how amazing you are and how much I appreciate you?"
"No, but it's always nice to hear it," she says with a smile. "I obviously don't expect you to wear it on your finger because it's clearly too small, but maybe keep it in your pocket-"
Without a word, I grab the ring and reach to unclasp the necklace hanging around my neck. I loop the chain through the ring, letting it fall next to the silver cross already dangling from it. "Now it'll be with me at all times and I won't lose it." I put the necklace around my neck again.
Elena's mouth forms a bright grin at the same time I place my palm on the nape of her neck, pulling her toward me so I can kiss her, wanting to show her how much I appreciate what she did and how much I care about her. I rarely verbalise my feelings, but I really do believe actions speak louder than words and I believe she might feel the same way I do. The heat of our kiss sends sparks through my veins, making me want to feel more, feel every part of her.
My tongue swipes along her bottom lip, making them part so I can deepen the kiss, my tongue starting to twirl around hers. Any rational thought disappears from my mind, the only thing I can focus on is the sensation the kiss is giving me. My hands settle on her waist like they usually do, my thumbs circling the peaks of her hipbones as her warm palms clasp the sides of my neck. The fervent kiss lasts for a few moments until we lose our breaths and are forced to break it, pressing our foreheads together, my eyes closing.
"Does the ring have a special meaning?" I ask after I collect myself, pulling back slightly, noticing the pink colour of her cheeks, probably matching my own.
"What? Oh no." She waves her hand casually. "Alex gave it to me when we were fifteen or so, he stole it from this girl he liked because she had something against me. It was a form of revenge and I've been keeping it ever since. We've always had each other's backs." She smiles as she probably thinks about her brother, making me smile as well.
We end up talking a bit more, but the exhaustion soon catches up to us, making us lie down on the bed and snuggle under the cover. The silence is comfortable, her proximity bringing a sense of calmness to me, my smile seemingly stuck on my face. My arm wraps around her stomach, pulling her body closer to mine, her back pressed against my chest. Despite the fact this is a completely relaxing situation, my heart is starting to thump as if I'm running aa marathon, but not in a bad way. My hand absentmindedly finds its way under her shirt, my fingertips slowly gliding over the smooth skin on her stomach.
"Harry, if you keep doing that, there won't be much sleeping tonight," Elena suddenly says, making me stop my movements. Her tone is slightly teasing, but above all very authoritative and I believe her warning is genuine.
A sly smile twists my lips and I continue with my actions, letting my tongue glide over my lips before leaving a sloppy kiss on the nape of her neck. My nose brushes against it as I press another kiss on the exposed skin of her shoulder.
"Harry," she warns me.
My hand then boldly slides toward her hip, squeezing the flesh slightly, making her release a soft gasp in surprise. My smile widens, my lips continuing leaving kisses on the delicate skin of her neck, knowing the effect it has on her.
She suddenly pushes me away using her elbow and in a split second, my hips are between her legs as she straddles me, my hands pinned above my head, the backs of my hands pressed against the pillow. I'm momentarily surprised, my lips parted in a small grin. She lets go of my wrist for a second to turn on the lamp on my nightstand, allowing our eyes to meet and for me to see a very serious expression on her face, but with a glint of amusement in her hazel eyes.
"I warned you, Harry." She leans down slightly, a few strands of her brown hair framing her face, the rest being tied in a low, loose ponytail as she keeps holding my wrists. I find it incredibly arousing to see her like this, a vast contrast to how she usually is with me.
"I'd say I'm sorry but that would be a lie," I taunt, unable to hide my amusement.
"You're so charming and you don't even know it," she says with a smile, but it soon fades. She leans down some more, her face mere centimetres from mine, her lips hovering just above my own, her eyes fixed on them, looking as if she's about to kiss me. "Harry?"
"Yeah?" I manage to ask, barely stopping myself from pulling her closer to me and kissing her.
"Have you ever done this with anyone before?" Elena asks, her gaze now fixed on mine. "I mean slept with anyone?"
"Um, I slept with Niall that one time I punched him so hard I was afraid if he falls asleep he'd die but then I ended up falling asleep in his bed- just so you know, we were eight, so it should be less weird than it sounds-"
She rolls her eyes, letting out a laugh. "Harry, I meant with a girl."
"Oooh. Yes, I have. Wait, do you count? Wait. . . we're not talking about sleeping here, are we?" I ask and she nods. "Oh. . . that's a no then."
"So you've really never. . ." she lets go of my wrists, pulling back and sitting up. "Alright." She smiles softly.
My cheeks turn red. "Have you?"
"Slept with a girl? Nope," she says teasingly, shrugging slightly. "But in the other case, yes, I've slept with guys before."
"Oh. . . alright. Of course."
She makes a move as if she's about to climb off me, but my hands stop her, gripping her hips unconsciously. "Harry, what are you trying to do?"
"I, uh- I don't know?"
"It won't happen, it can't."
"Why?" I surprise us both by asking, pushing myself into a sitting position so our faces are close again, my hands settling on her waist now.
"Why? Because there's a reason you've waited this long." She places her palms on top of her thighs, looking uncertain.
"Maybe I was waiting for someone like you," I say honestly, looking into her eyes. "For someone I'll be actually comfortable with. I don't like girls I barely met touching me, that's why nothing has ever happened. But we. . . we have something. And it's important and deep enough for me to make me want to go through with this." I gulp nervously, my heart thudding strongly.
She seems reluctant at first, her palms cupping my jaw, eyes flicking back and forth as they look into mine. "If you're really ready, if that's what you really want, then okay. I want you to be sure, because this is also about trust. If you have any doubts, then this can't go any further, I care about you too much to let you do this with someone you don't trust."
I smile widely, the answer being clear after everything that's happened today between us. "I trust you."