Nervous. That was how I felt.
I reached the park where Lauren asked me to meet. I thought maybe she would be gone but she was sitting there on a swing and waited for me to come while I sat in my car across the street and just watched her. She looked upset. She looked down at her feet while the swing moved back and forth slowly. I don't even recall seeing her looking up to me and I realized how badly I screwed everything up. I was nervous to see her but the guilt took over everything.
I possibly ruined everything for her.
I would lie and say that I was nervous to see her but I was more guilty. I couldn't hear what she has to say. I knew it would fuck my entire existence up and maybe that was why I couldn't move out of the car. I sat inside my vehicle for over an hour now. Just like Lauren promised that she would leave, she didn't. She was still waiting for me. I finally gathered the courage to walk out of the car. I needed to do this now or I'll probably lose everything.
Taking a huge sigh, I got out of the car and made my way towards the girl I loved in very slow and steady steps. I was sweating and it was the start of December now. I mentally prepared myself once again and recalled the whole conversation in my head. I shouldn't chicken out while talking to her. Lauren still looked down at her feet while playing with her fingers. Just like Dinah told me, her arm was plastered and there was a bandage on her head. It pained me to see her that way, specially knowing that I was the reason behind this. The slow movements of the swing made me nauseous even though I wasn't even sitting on it.
And finally, I reached her and she looked up to me.
“You came,”
Her voice sounded so broken and weak. She sounded as if she was so glad that I was here but also didn't want to see me. I just smiled in response. I was scared of breaking her if I would say anything. Nodding my head yes, I watched her take a step closer to me and embrace me in a long hug. It surprised me at first but then I realized what was happening. Lauren wasn't hitting me. She was freaking hugging me.
I instantly wrapped my arms around her too and hugged her. She snuggled her face in my neck once again and I held her closer to me and felt the warmth radiating from her. Soon, the two of us pulled away and Lauren looked into my eyes, staring me like I was her entire world. Maybe that was what Austin was talking about. Because if she looked at me like this all the time then I would probably confuse myself too. She loved me but she was not in love with me and that fucking hurt.
“How badly are you hurt?” I asked Lauren, my hand slightly touched her autographed plaster. The girl in front of me chuckled mildly. Her eyes looking down at her feet again.
“Physically or emotionally?”
I looked away instantly because I honestly had no words anymore. Lauren was physically hurt but emotionally she looked devastated. I don't know what she had to go through at home or how Reyna reacted to the news of me being in love with her girlfriend but by the looks of it, it didn't go nicely and I hated myself for blurting it out to Reyna.
“How did everything go with Reyna?” I asked, ignoring Lauren's previous question which was an answer itself.
Lauren looked away and kept on looking away. I felt like she was trying to find an escape from me and avoided looking at me but on the other hand I thought that I was being paranoid. For a little while she didn't say anything and I also didn't make any effort to talk to her. I know I should have said something by now but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
“That night you told her that you were in love with me,” Lauren broke the silence as her voice trembled in the end.
I nodded my head, “Yes, I know. I was there.” I tried to joke and come up with an excuse to lower this thick air but it didn't work. Lauren just looked at me with no damn expression on her face.
“Did you mean it?” She asked.
I know I should say no. I know it. But the chances of her knowing about my love for her would go down the drain if I don't say it out loud now. I don't care if she would want to see me again or what so ever, I wanted her to know that I was in love with her without bounding her with me.
“Yes, I meant it.” I replied and Lauren walked closer to me that instant second. She cupped my face with her left hand and pressed her forehead against mine.
“Why? Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't you say so, stupid girl?” Lauren asked. By now, both of us were crying like crazy. She wouldn't let the tears fall from my eyes and I was so glad that she was here with me now. No matter what our future would be, Lauren was here with me now.
“I did tell you Lauren, just not with words.”
Lauren pulled herself away and stared right into my eyes. Her soul sucking green orbs were so damn intimidating. I couldn't tell if she hated me or loved me because everything was at the border line right now. It's either love or hate but all I could see in her eyes was both.
“What about you? Is there a chance that you feel the same?” I asked nervously. I was walking on the thin line right now but I didn't care. I needed to know what it all meant to her.
“Camila, I am with Reyna.” Her tone came out as a warning as she took a step back.
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself with that?” I answered her straight away. I wouldn't let her dodge this, not anymore.
“What are you trying to say?”
And that was when I had enough. There was no point of holding anything back. I would lose her anyway, right?
“How could you be so damn oblivious, Lauren?” I asked, before she could even reply, I began again.
“Even if I am angry at you, you're still the person I wanna hug. Even when you hurt me with your words, I still wanna listen to your voice. Even when I'm crying out because of you, I wouldn't turn to anyone else but you. I am in love with you, Lauren. I never loved my husband the way I loved you.”
She opened her mouth to say something again but I stopped her once more, “And how can you say that you have no feelings for me? You slept with me, Lauren. You treated me like I was your entire world that night. You treat my daughter the way you do,” I took a deep breath.
Pointing at her plastered arm, I said, “This. This happened because of me. You took the hit because of me and I saw how angry you were when he pushed me and called me a slut. And let's not forget how he and I both noticed the look on your face when he held me close that night.”
“Camila, just sto–”
“No, Lauren. Why can't you just tell me how you feel because the way you act is confusing the hell out of me now.”
I finally stopped myself and let's not ignore how amazing it felt to take it all out. I caught my breath while looking away. I felt her eyes on me once again but I ignored it. She needed to answer me and this time I was actually forcing her to say something to me.
“I can't say anything.” Lauren said in a very low voice.
“Why the hell not?” I almost yelled.
Suddenly, Lauren extended her hand out to me and with the help of her eyes, she motioned me to look at it. I didn't know what she was trying to show me but then my eyes landed on her ring finger. It had a ring.
A fucking ring.
“Reyna proposed me three days ago. We were at the club to celebrate.”
I won't say that I was heartbroken because what I felt right now was entirely different. Something out of the world. It felt like someone ripped my heart out, crushed it and slammed it inside my heart once again. Lauren held my hand once again, I didn't even move or said a word to her. I didn't know what to say because everything was over. For real this time and it wasn't a drill. It was happening.
“Camila,”
I didn't answer.
“Camila please just say something, baby.”
A tear finally escaped my eye when she called me that. Maybe she meant it or maybe she only wanted to make me feel a little better. I took a step back but she took a step forward, this time a little too close to me. Lauren was taken. She was going to get married and I wouldn't be her wife. It was so unrealistic and so real at the same time. Ten years later, I only found her to lose her to someone else.
“Cami–”
That's all she got before I smashed my lips on hers and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. Lauren didn't push me away instead she kissed me with the same intensity as me. I nibbled on her lower lip and begged her to give me the entrance to explore her mouth for probably the last time now. As she did the same with me. I loved her lips. I loved kissing her and her taste, I loved everything about her.
“I love you so much, Lauren.” I said while kissing the hell out of her.
“Cam–”
“Shh, just don't stop kissing me,” I said against her lips and Lauren smiled before kissing me hungrily once again. We made out, right in the middle of the park where anyone could see us but we didn't care. We didn't care about anything.
Soon, the two of us pulled away and Lauren pressed her forehead on mine. Glueing our bodies together, Lauren pulled me even closer to her where there wasn't any space left between us. The green eyed girl who had my heart stared into my eyes with love and affection. Maybe I didn't need words to know how she felt this time. Maybe she did love me. But why did she agree to marry Reyna? I wanted to ask her this but Lauren spoke up first.
“I can't promise that I wouldn't hurt you, Camz.”
I smiled at the girl lovingly. No matter what, I knew how much she cared for me and she always will. Even when we both are dying on our beds eighty years from now on, I know that she would still take care of me and would never intentionally hurt me.
“I promise you that you won't.” I replied her as I leaned in to kiss her one more time but she pulled away.
“I want to be with you, Camila. I really do.” I smiled at her confession but I knew that there was more.
“I want to wake up next to you everyday and make you breakfast. I want to say all that lovey dovey crap to you and treat you like a queen that you are. I want to be the one calling you mine, not that prick Austin. But I can't.” Lauren said and shook her head thrice.
“Why not?” I asked instantly.
Lauren looked at me once again before looking everywhere but at me. I knew that Reyna was the reason of all this. I knew that Lauren was in love with her and maybe not admitting because she knew I would react like a crazy person. But when Lauren told me her answer, it went by nothing like I expected.
"I like you very much and it wouldn't be long before I'll actually fall for you again and that is why I can't be with you. I'll fuck up everything and will lose you all over again.”
My heart took a biggest dive ever. I never thought it would hurt this bad when she would tell me that she liked me. It was almost like a nightmare coming real. I nodded my head because I couldn't bring myself to say something else but Lauren saw right through me. She walked closer again and held my hand while squeezing it gently. I didn't even know that I was crying until a tear fell on my cheek and got absorbed by the skin. I fucking hated crying, that was all I did these days.
“Camila look, we like each other a lot, right? But that doesn't mean we can be together. I like you a lot and it's probably the worst thing I did to myself. But I love Reyna. And I can't hurt her. She help–”
“I don't want to listen to that, alright? You made your decision and you have to live with it now. And now that you are getting married, I would prefer a little distance. I need to try and get over you.” I instantly said and watched her facial expressions changing into a huge frown.
“Oh really? You had ten years to get over me, Camila, but you didn't. What makes you so sure that you'll get over me now?” Lauren asked.
And she had a fucking point.
“Just do what I say, Lauren. Stay away from me and don't call. I mean it, don't call.” I said as I instantly looked down at my feet.
“Do you really want this?” She asked as she slightly shook my body, I didn't look up to her because I just couldn't. “Look me in the eye and say it,”
With all the courage I had left, I looked up to meet her eyes. That was another mistake I made, she was crying as well. But I had to do this for everyone because if I don't let her go now, so many people will get hurt in the process but most of all, my daughter will get hurt in the process and I didn't want it at all. Taking a deep breath, I leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on her mouth, begging her to call off the wedding in my head but on the outside I nodded my head.
“Please stay away.”
With that being said, Lauren took a step back and nodded her head. I didn't look at her anymore because all I could see was her moving away. She walked out of the park towards her black Audi which wasn't parked so far away from me. I watched her wiping her teary face and soon, she drove away from that place. I should feel really amazing now, right? I should feel out of the world because I finally got rid of the only person would had a good chance of ruining my family, right? No, wrong! I let go of the person I was in love with for the sake of everyone else. The selfish part of me hated what I did but I was out of options when it came to my daughter.
My next stop was Austin. I needed to talk to him now and figure out the rest. I know it would not come down to divorce so I was alright with it but also afraid to face the consequences if nothing goes right. I wouldn't be lying if I said that I was afraid of him. He was never that aggressive and I always get scared of people who shouts at me, probably that was one of the reasons why I loved Lauren so much, she never raised her voice at me and even if she does, she is quick to apologize.
I drove back to my own apartment. I was well aware of his office timings so he should be at home right now if he wasn't anywhere else. My nervousness was at its highest peak when I opened the door of my apartment and slowly made my way inside. Austin was sitting on the couch watching a football game. When he heard the door closing, he immediately turned back and stood up as soon as he saw me.
I put my keys back inside my purse and made my way towards the man who looked scared out of his freaking mind. Well, the feelings were mutual. As soon as I stood infront of him. He looked down at his feet and looked back up to say something but I instantly stopped him. It was my turn to speak and I had no idea where I was getting this confidence from. Austin simply nodded his head as the two of us sat down at the couch and he turned the television off.
“Look Austin I'm not here for a take two, alright?” I said and he simply nodded.
“What you said to me the other day was some fucked up shit and you really hurt me.” I took a huge breath as I watched the older guy sigh. His head was held in shame and I could see it in his eyes how sorry he was but I wasn't letting him go that easily. If I let him go that way, he'll do it again and again.
“Camila, I am really so–”
I cut him off immediately, “Let me finish first, Austin. You called me a slut. Fine, I was okay if you think of me that way because I am in love with someone else while being married to another. If you think I'm a slut then it's your whole right to think of me that way but calling me that in front of other people?”
“Camila, I don't think of you as a slut. It was the spur of the moment and I was angry. I just–”
“No. You can't blame your anger for that Austin. And don't forget that people tell the truth when they are angry.” I said in a single breath and he looked away.
“Fine, forget about this. What the fuck did you and Lauren do? Are you two seven? She has got a fractured arm and a couple stitches because of you, Austin.” I scolded but this time Austin didn't hold back either.
“She kept on looking at you like you were a piece of meat. You are married to me, Camila. I have a right to fight back anyone who wants you.” Austin once again raised his voice and I felt panic taking over me.
“No Austin, you don't. You fight anyone who kisses me or takes advantage of me. How many people are you going to fight just because they are staring at me?” I asked.
“Zero! I am fighting none who are staring at you but I don't want her to look at you, knowing how much you are in love with her. Can't you see from where I'm coming? Would you want someone else to look at her that way? Or....or me if you still love me?” Austin looked at me, his face looked like he was about to cry but I knew that he was holding his ground tight. He wouldn't cry in front of me.
“I still love you, Austin. And remember that I always told you from the start about Lauren and what I felt for her. You didn't complain before. I hope you remember that.” I licked my lips as I looked away.
“I was okay because I thought you'll let go of her by time, Camila. How could—I didn't know that you will go back to her as soon as she will come back in your life after leaving you alone for ten years. Where was she when you needed her, huh? She wants you now because she can't have you.”
I didn't know what to say to him. Maybe he was right about everything but I couldn't help but think of him as a jealous husband. I was so conflicted about everything that was going on. I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair as Austin did the same. The two of us took a minute to catch our breaths and I think it was finally time to tell him the things which I know he wants to hear.
“She is engaged. Reyna proposed her.”
I clenched my jaw immediately because that was not the time to shed tears. I wanted to have a civil conversation with my husband and he needed to know that Lauren doesn't want me and his assumptions were invalid. Austin looked at me, for a second I thought that he was being sympathetic but then he instantly looked away with knitted eyebrows and nodded his head.
“Why do you keep wanting her if she doesn't want you?”
Lauren did want me, she was just confused.
“I don't know, Austin. Maybe she is my first love and I really didn't move on from her.” I answered him.
We both went quiet for a little while. I looked at him as he stared into oblivion and I would definitely give anything to read his mind right now. There must be so much going on inside his head even if he says little. When I came here a while ago I thought maybe I would just talk it out with him and I wouldn't be able to forgive him for what he said to me the other day but now that I look at him, I realized that it was me who messed up the entire thing. It wasn't his fault and neither was Lauren's.
“In love, a man looks for a beautiful beginning and the woman looks for a beautiful ending. But it's vice versa now.” Austin said as he broke the silence.
“It's not ending, Austin. I am not leaving you—”
“But you want to.” He interrupted me as he stated the truth.
He was right, I wanted to leave him but I couldn't. Mostly because he was my best friend next to Dinah and also the father of my child. I wanted to leave him but I didn't want to hurt him any further but staying with him will hurt him more than leaving him.
“Look, Mila, I get it. I get that you're in love with Lauren and she makes you happy. And like I said before, I would give you the divorce if you ask me for it but you don't have to lie to me about anything. I know you want to be with her and by the way she looked at you that night, I know she do too. Reyna and I are only hurdles between you and her.” Austin said with a little laugh.
And finally I cried. God, I hated crying because that was what I did all the time.
“I didn't mean for this to happen. I am so sorry that I hurt you, Austin. I am a terrible wife and I'm a shitty mother. I don't know what would happen when Allison grows up. I don't know what would happen to us till then. I'm just... I'm just–I'm...” I began crying as he hugged me.
I lost my shit, I couldn't take it anymore inside of me. All the events from today and the fact that Lauren chose Reyna over me, despite telling me that she liked me to the point where she could fall for me again, hurt like hell. I just wanted to finish this madness now and see the good times already. I just couldn't concentrate on any other thing without thinking about my future and how much I fucked this entire thing up. It was all my fault.
“As a lawyer, I suggest that you take a week off. Think of everything you want in life now and after a week, do what you have to do.” Austin suggested as he hugged me. I knew it was the right thing to do but I still didn't want to let the two of them go, no matter how much I wanted to.
“I think you're right. I think I really need to think this through because I am so confused right now and maybe talk to someone about this. I just need some relief and escape from everything right now.” I said to my husband who looked kind of disappointed with my answer.
“Do you think you could give me a little time?” I asked him and he looked at me. His blue eyes were glassy and I could tell that he was just trying to hold himself from crying in front of me.
“Yes. I hope it is in a favor for me.” He said with a smile and I finally got up from the couch to pack up my stuff for a while. I was going to live with Dinah while I figure everything out so I didn't need her clothes anymore.
I walked inside my bedroom and packed my stuff. Taking all my necessary item with me, I packed my bag and did the same with Allison's stuff. When I walked back outside, Austin sat there as he massaged his temples. The sight was extremely heartbreaking but the space was much needed, it would ruin things more if I don't get away from him or Lauren now. I just needed to get away from everyone.
Walking towards him once last time, I embraced him in a long hug. Hearing him sniffle and cry made me cry too. I took a deep breath while pulling away and instantly pressed my lips on his, but the kiss didn't last long. I moved away as quickly as I could since it didn't feel so good anymore and it was all because of fucking Lauren. That girl managed to fuck up my life without even doing anything. Even when I was with my legal husband, I was thinking about her. Who the fuck does that?
“I'll see you soon, then?” I asked Austin who gulped hard and nodded his head.
“Yes, I hope so. Take care of yourself and Allison for me, please?” Austin almost pleaded and I embraced him in a hug once again.
“I promise. You take care of yourself for me.” I asked him with a smile and he simply nodded his head.
It was my cue, I took my luggage and finally made my way out of the apartment. I didn't know what would happen after I'll step out of this building but I just hoped that everything would go the way I wanted them too. I was so afraid that I was actually shaking in my boots. I never thought my life would take this drastic and a dramatic turn when I first saw Lauren after years, sure, I did think that something would happen and I'll fuck up things but never thought how much I'll fuck up.
As I drove back to Dinah's place, I thought about Austin and how much I hurt him and still he was so considerate of everything. If it was the other way around I never would have forgiven him for being an asshole and then on the other hand there was Lauren. The girl I was in love with and the same girl who told me that she only liked me. I knew if I left Austin I would be alone, I wouldn't have Lauren anyway but if I don't leave him it would be unfair to him. I didn't want to be the one who would want someone just for their own satisfaction or good. Austin deserved better.
They both deserved better.
And maybe that was why I was going to let go of both of them. For the first time in my life I wasn't being selfish. For the first time in my life I was doing something for the good of others and if it meant letting the two of the most important people in my life go, I was ready for it.
I was ready to let go of Austin and Lauren.
———