Song: Clarity-Zedd( Describes Ike's and Avril's relationship very well at this point)
Trigger Warning: Abuse
Fire tore at my throat as I heaved my lunch into the glass bowl. My stomach unclenched, clenched, and then unclenched tightly again and I found myself repeating the same action. A painful emptiness filled my stomach, tears blurring my vision and throat burning. Weakly, a whimper tore from my lips as I slowly slid down to the floor, head resting on the wall and arms circling me.
"What can we do to stop this?" Ivy asked Mist and Kaiya. Her blue glow lit up the bathroom as she hovered anxiously behind me. "The celebration hasn't even been going on for an hour and she's been gone for almost half an hour."
Kaiya and Mist who were both poised on either side of the bathroom entrance stared down at me both perplexed and worried.
"It's the bond." Mist supplied. "I don't think I have ever met kindred spirits who have held out this long on finishing the bond. Selena does not like you spitting it on what she gives you, which may explain why both her and Ike are having these effects."
My ears perked up at that, and my drooping eyes rolled over to them. "Ike too?"
Kaiya nodded. "Yeah just saw Aeon, he said Ike has been puking his brains out too." Head resting against the wall, arms crossed, and one leg bent and holding her weight on the wall she gave me an unamused look at my state. "You guys honestly just need to fuck. Plain and simple."
Just like the nausea, annoyance tore at my seams and it took everything I had not to lose my temper at Kaiya's blunt advice. Instead, I slowly shook my head, too tired to give her my normal fight. "I'm not ready for that."
"Why not?" Mist asked...dumbly if I might add.
Either it was the question or just the state I was in, but I snapped a retort at her pretty sharply. "Jeez, I don't know maybe it's the fact that I can't fuck someone I don't really trust."
Kaiya threw her arms in the air. "For crying out loud. You look like shit Avril."
Wow, I almost missed Kaiya's bluntness.
"You and Ike are going through it because you guys are refusing the bond. I know. I know. We were idiots, we all fucked up, and we hurt you. You don't have to forgive us if you don't want to, but damn look at you!"
Mist made a noise that sounded in between a squeak and choke as she eyed Kaiya appalled.
"It's true. She doesn't have to forgive us. Aeon and I talked about it and he made me see the light per say." He eyes turned from a frowning Mist to me. "Avril, we understand. Trust takes time, and we shattered it. It's broken. It'll take time for you trust us, but why put you and Ike in this situation. You're having nose bleeds, headaches, and stomach cramps, and all this other stuff because you guys haven't conjoined. Ike's ready, he's only waiting for you."
"Don't put pressure on her!" Mist snapped and Kaiya scowled at her. Ahh, back to the days when they used to argue. "My brother will wait for an eternity if he has to for her to be ready. There's no rush."
Eyes wide, Kaiya flicked her hands to me dramatically. "No rush, look at her. She's fucking deteriorating." I didn't think I looked that bad, but hell I hadn't looked in a mirror since I rushed into the bathroom about a half an hour ago if Ivy is right.
"You guys can't act like you suddenly care about her wellbeing now!" Ivy pitched in, protectively standing in front of me as I threw myself back over the toilet and hurled again.
"We've always cared!" Kaiya screamed.
"That's true, we messed up but we're trying!" Mist add, all their voices getting loud.
"Stop yelling at me!" Ivy belted.
"Fuck you!" Kaiya yelled.
"No fuck hers, she's good!" Mist hollered trying to deescalate the situation.
"No fuck her too!" Ivy screamed mowing right over that hope.
"Whose side are you on?" Kaiya bellowed at Mist.
"Fuck everyone!" I screamed disengaging myself from the toilet and wiping my mouth with a towel next to the sink. "You're giving me a headache. What me and Ike do is none of your concern. None of you guys! I can't give myself to him, if I don't trust him. I'd rather suffer." My eyes blazing with emotions landed on all of them as they all looked guilty and slowly coming down from their raging hazes.
"You'd make Ike suffer too?" Mist softly ask. Her tone wasn't hostile, just questioning.
Stubbornly, I lifted my chin. "He made his bed. He can sleep in it...alone." I added, feeling my words were weaker than I wanted to let on. "Now someone come help me up please."
Ivy and Mist both took an arm and helped me to my feet.
Kaiya walked forward wetted a towel, and handed it me. Gratefully I took it and washed off my face again for extra measure before I took my toothbrush and washed my mouth.
"I care Avril. You may not believe it." Kaiya spoke, her greenish-yellow eyes swirling with genuineness. "I would never pressure you to do something you don't want. It's just fucking sucks that we're in this situation and that I have to explain this all the while knowing you are questioning how sincere I am. I don't want to see you suffer anymore than you have to. But you do what you need to do. I'm sorry again." Kaiya bit her lip, looking down. Sighing loudly, she looked back up and step backwards giving me some room before she began to leading the way to the exit.
Tossing the towel into the trash and putting my toothbrush back, I followed her out with Mist and Ivy in tow. I never replied to Kaiya so the only sound that could be heard beside our footsteps was the muffled festive music from outside thrumming against the seemingly thin walls creating a delightful mixture of percussion and whistles that filtered through the air.
Kaiya opened the bedroom door and exited out with me following right behind her. The numbness that had been coursing through my legs like slow lapping waves of prickling sensory deficiency seemed to ease as I followed Kaiya out of the door.
The sudden collision with a warm wall alerted to me to the most likely reason why my sudden fatigue and nausea abruptly disappeared.
Like a subconscious flicker had been turned on, my arms instinctively wrapped around Ike and the rush of feeling that swallowed me up was damn near indescribable. The feeling was like drinking a nice cold cup of water in the blazing desert, like savoring that one sweet treat of decadence and indulgence on a cheat day, basically like whipping your bra off immediately after stepping inside your house after a long day.
His arms just began to circle around me when I got a hold of myself and ripped myself away from the soothing feeling of being in his arms. Stumbling backwards and bumping my back against the wall in a rush to get away from him, the girls and now the boys all looked at me in mixture of confusion and sadness.
My eyes connected to Ike's only to see pain quickly vanish from his eyes which was blue to the eye one second and purple to the eye the very next. Quickly, I took him in and couldn't help my frown. He looked worse than me. Skin damn near ashen and eyes looking weak and reddened, I suddenly had the urge to sweep Ike into my arms and make it all better. However, I stomped that idea out quick and stubbornly crossed my arms just in case my body did try to betray me again. Staring at him, I could practically feel my fingers tingling and aching to touch him.
He seemed to be in the same boat and anxiously crossed his arms also taking a step away from me. We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours until the clearing of a throat knocked us out of whatever haze we had been under. Painfully slow, I broke my gaze from Ike's intense orbs and connected with a set of cerulean blue eyes. Aeon grinned.
"Based on how you guys are reacting, I would suggest ditch the party and go hand out together...alone." He said the last word lower, deeper.
It didn't take a rocket science to figure out why he put so much emphasis on the last word. And as if everyone knew what he was hinting at, everyone eyed him pointedly.
"Way to make it obvious." Nydale muttered under his breath.
Aeon pursed his lips, eyebrows scrunched together in a V. "I was?"
Kaiya snorted. "Aeon everyone understood your message. It practically radiated: Hey Ike and Avril go somewhere and go do the horizontal tango so you guys can stop looking like zombies that need to be euthanized and quick."
Solemnly realizing the truth in her words, especially when another bout of queasiness rushed through me and then dissolved, I didn't say anything back and neither did Ike.
"Did you hear that?" Mist suddenly frowned, one hand cupping the back of her ear like they were picking up something we couldn't.
Everyone looked at her perplexed until Nydale suddenly nodded. "I did hear that."
"Me too!" Ivy perked up abruptly adding herself in.
Ike and I both glanced at each other utterly confused.
Ike began, eyebrows drawn together and eyes narrowed. "I don't hear any-"
"Alem just called us!" Kaiya cut him off, eyes almost comically wide.
"When Alem calls we must go." Ivy spoke grabbing both Mist and Nydale's hands, nonverbally urging them to follow her.
"Okay, then lets go." I shrugged neutrally preparing to follow Ivy who had tediously began to lead Mist and Nydale away.
"No!" Kaiya yelped and her hands were on my chest before I could react. Losing my balance, I stumbled into Ike's chest. Immediately he righted me before shooting Kaiya a peeved look. "What the hell Kaiya?"
"Alem's calling!" Ivy hissed. "You guys stay here. He's not calling you guys."
And I think I finally understood what was going on.
My friends had finally lost their damn minds.
Aeon, who had been standing quietly looking just as puzzled and troubled as Ike and I, stepped forward in the cramp hallway. "I don't hear anything either. It's completely si-argh!" He yelped as Kaiya suddenly grabbed Aeon's nipple from outside his shirt and twisted them like some rueful purple nurple fiend. Yelling in mixture of surprise and pain, Aeon began to stagger forward holding his chest that had been abused but Kaiya caught him before he could by the ear and began dragging him out.
Like the Devil was on the heels of their feet Ivy, Mist, Nydale, Kaiya, and then a whimpering Aeon rushed out the hallway. The resounding slam of the door was the last sound heard before total silence filled the once cramped hallway.
Ike and I must have stood there for at least a couple of minutes letting what had just happened process and sink in. Just like myself, he would probably be forever scarred by what we had just witnessed and needed a couple of moments to digest the foolery that had just happened.
Ike's chuckle broke me from my bizarre like reverie, and face still screwed up with troubling emotions I frowned at him. "What's so funny?"
"Alem wasn't calling any of them." Ike chuckled again, bright teeth on display as his eyes crinkled in amusement. "They did that to get us alone."
Like the pin had just dropped, I finally understood and then crinkled my nose. "But did they have to do all that?"
Ike and I just stared at each other both smiling before we suddenly started cracking up. I hunched over, hands on my knees as I laughed and Ike held the wall, his deep laughter and my chuckles roaring through the hallways.
When I finally felt like I was able to breathe properly again, I stood back up to my height and swiped a tear, yes a tear, from my eye. But this time, the tear wasn't created due to pain, but joy. I couldn't even remember the last time I had shed laughing tears and wasn't on the verge of crumbling down.
Letting out a wistful sigh, I crossed my arms feeling suddenly vulnerable and peered up at Ike. "Now what?"
"Would you like to be alone?" Ike asked, a hopeful glint swirling in his eyes.
My eyes narrowed, prepared to shut him down if he asked for too much. "And what would we do?"
"Only talk." Ike's facial expression dimmed. "I wouldn't try to force anything else." He promised, sounding slightly put off at the realization that I believed he wanted more.
I didn't reply back to him and instead turned my attention to my feet where I shuffled them around on the ground for a couple of seconds. If I was being honest with myself, even only talking to Ike felt like a stretch.
I just didn't want to be around him. I just wanted to heal by myself and be alone.
"How can you heal, if you are not willing to face what you need to, to heal properly?" My voice asked in a wistful tone.
"What do you mean?" I questioned it.
"Do you want to move forward with Ike, or do you want to be stuck in the present, paused and completely lost?"
"I don't want to be around him. I just-"
"Move forward or be stuck in time." The voice cut me off. For once it didn't sound patronizing or haughty, but simply stated a point. No bullshit, just facts. I could respect it for that.
"Move forward." The words were a numb mumble in my mind.
"Then let go of the fear, and do what you need to do Avril to rise above this. You're hurting, but you need this to move forward."
"I don't know if I'm ready to have this talk with Ike. I don't know if I can do it."
"You have so little faith in your strength." My voice sounded miffed. "Never said it would be easy, simply said it would be worth it in the end."
Then my voice was gone, and I was left with those last words echoing in my mind and realization dawning on me that Ike was saying something to me.
"What?" I mumbled.
Wariness danced across his face as he brought his hand up, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I said maybe we could go out on the field or to the Cliffside and talk. Only if you would like it though." He quickly added.
You have so little faith in your strength.
Those words rung loud and clear in mind. As I stared into Ike's ocean colored eyes, I couldn't help the twist of caution that slashed through my stomach at the idea of being alone with Ike after his breakdown before. We were still on troubled ground, and being by myself around him made me feel so vulnerable. Yet, another side of me wanted to crush this new found fear my mind had created about this man. He wasn't sent here to destroy me, no matter how it felt like that at times. Yet, I no longer felt comfortable being vulnerable around Ike, and that's where the fear stemmed from.
With my kindred spirit, I should feel like I could peel every layer back and be myself with him. But, I no longer felt like that. Just like with the others, I felt like I needed to present everyone with that layer of indifference and my fake-it-to-make-it confidence. But when he got me alone, the front I was now use to putting on always cracked. I was scared to be vulnerable and open with him, but without even trying he forced it upon me by just being in my presence.
You have so little faith in your strength.
The words, like titanium darts burrowing straight through my resolve pinched at my mind.
"The field." I mumbled believing that since the field only brought on bad memories, I would be able to keep my wall up and keep him out. If only I had known better.
-------
The loud clicking and buzzing of nature consumed the field as Ike and I both made our way through it with me leading and him following. Without announcing it, I plopped on the ground, my back to him.
Knees on my elbows, shoulders hunched and hoping he wouldn't touch me, I moodily stared out into the purple forestry already beginning to regret my decision. I just wanted to be alone. The fact that I could feel his eyes practically burning into my back at my withdrawnness didn't help either.
Letting out a sigh, I heard Ike slowly sit on the ground. Before I could react his heat melted into my back, and I quickly shot my head around to see that he was facing the other direction. Back against my back, and an arm resting on one raised knee, he silently looked out along the expansion of the rose colored field.
Lightly, I gnawed at my lip telling myself his touch was okay as long as he kept it unromantic and casual. The way my body slowly began to relax against him should've told me that my hopes were useless, but I ignored the common sense and instead focused on the pleasantness of feeling my kindred spirit so close to me.
With his closeness came the removal of headaches, nausea, nose bleeds, cramps, muscle aches, and everything else. With his closeness came a pleasurable tranquility that I hadn't felt in a while. I hated to admit it, but I missed this feeling. I truly did.
So letting out a light breath, I relaxed and allowed myself to ease completely against Ike's back. At the added pressure, he didn't say anything so I concluded that he was okay with me putting more weight onto him.
Eyes closing, body languidly melting into a puddle of peaceful quietness, I nearly missed Ike's words.
"I'm sorry."
The tranquility bubble that had settled around us wavered and threatened to pop as I slowly opened my eyes. Too tired to play around with him, I sighed. "Listen Ike, I'm tired of hearing your apologies. Your apologies are practically useless. They do nothing for me...not anymore. You apologize and you don't even know why you're apologizing. You just think the word by itself will soothe things and make it better. It doesn't unless you truly understand why you are uttering those words." Eyes closing again feeling my heart burn at the truth in my words, I bit my lip feeling that mask of stoic numbness tremble.
"But I do know why."
Snorting, my words were as patronizing as I could make them. "Then please do tell, Ike. Please enlighten me."
As if he could hear the lack of faith and trust I had in him in my tone and the snowballing avalanche of anger coming his way, he didn't say anything at first. The time caused my anger to simmer.
"The reason why I never told you about the relationship between Teelah and I before you was because I thought your interest in it was stupid."
My mouth dropped and the hurt and pain was almost instant. His next words seemed to freeze the emotions at once though.
"I thought it was stupid because I would never cheat on you despite your insecurities, so why discuss something that was in the past where it should rest. I've come to realize though, I was the stupid one, the dense one, for quite some time. I should have realized that any insecurity you have is never stupid because it's there for a reason." He paused. "I think this entire situation has shown me that when it came to you, I never really took the time to analyze how you truly felt about everything. Sometimes when we put people on a pedestal we believe they are unbreakable, untouchable, not Nobellian. It takes something bad to happen for the illusion to finally break and for us to realize that yes this person may be great but they are also Nobellian, they bleed, they hurt, they love."
Silently I hung onto each word, but stayed frigidly still refusing to let him know that.
"So here it goes. I met Teelah when I was around thirteen, and I fell in love with her. They call love at that young age puppy love right, because somehow you're too young to understand what love truly means and what's it about. But puppy love, it's a hell of a drug, I'll say because how quickly and how intensely I fell in love with her was out of my control, but before I could tell her, the Dynoats came and took my choice away from me. That day I still remember. We had planned to have picnic, just the two of us, by this small park by the beaches. At the last minute my father forced all this king paperwork shit on me, and I had been so swamped that I forgot all about the girl I loved. I didn't even send a text, and before I could apologize they had already taken her."
Throughout the entire story, I bit my lip. It tore me up to hear Ike talk about Teelah in such a positive light and talk about how he had once been in love with a monster, but Ike was revealing to me exactly what I had wanted to know long ago.
"She wasn't a monster back then, not like she is now." The disgust was evident in his voice, and that alone helped to soothe some of my insecurities. "She was really shy, and she liked to draw, read, and sing. She hated to kill anything, even bugs. When a person won't even kill a bug that will not hesitate to bite their ass when it gets the chance, you know that person is a good." He chuckled, but it sound strained, pained. "When you had brought her back from your first trip to the Dynoat planet, I thought that somehow we could be friends. In my mind, you were my present and future, and she was my past. I thought that as a friend, she would get that. I hoped she would, but then I quickly realized that the Dynoats had fucked her up and there was no way to get her back to how I had last seen her. But, I realized she needed me, and I felt guilty because it was kind of my fault ya know? If I would have been there for her when I said I would, she would have never been taken."
"It's not your fault." I tried to soothe him practically hearing the years of guilt that had been quietly tucked within him coming to life. "You didn't know."
Ike shuffled behind me, and I had the feeling he was shaking his head. "It didn't matter. They had taken her, and I could have done something, anything but I was more scared of the repercussions from my father than actually standing up to him and telling him I was going to see her."
"So that's why you allowed her to cling to you all the time?" I questioned filling bitterness nip at my tongue.
"No." He deadpanned. "Or at least I tried to not let her cling to me, but at the time I saw it as platonic, nothing more. It was her who saw it as more, and I was too dense to realize it wasn't and that it was hurting you. In my eyes, she could never measure up to you because you're my kindred spirit, my heart, my soul, and the woman I want to spend forever with. She was in no way competition for you because you're mine and I'm yours."
"It didn't feel like that." I mumbled.
"I'll spend the rest of our days to make you feel like that Avril."
"So then where do we go from here?" Honestly, Ike's and my relationship felt like it was in shambles. I didn't know what to do with it. "It feels like our relationship is damn near broken."
"Well, my mother always told me that when something is broken, you don't throw it out. She said that when something is broken, you fix it. You fix it until there's no more holes, no more scrapes, no damage." He paused, and with a held breath I waited for him to continue beginning to feel like he wasn't just talking about our relationship. "You turn that broken thing into something wonderful. You turn it into a treasure."
Bringing my knees up to my chest, I bit my lip and closed my eyes. "Ike, I want to fix us. Just how do I know that you won't do this again?"
"Because we'll start this relationship out right, over again." His fingers found mine, but I yanked my hand away and protectively put them in my lap.
"I don't want to start over." I snapped. "Too much has happened to just pull the forget-me-card you love to pull and start out clean."
Ike didn't say anything for a while most likely hurt from my rejection of him. I stayed silent refusing to apologize and continued to stare out across the field, not saying anything.
"Then lets out at least start out right." He finally said.
"How?"
"We're all products of our environment. It doesn't matter if we've turned out good or bad, we're still products from our environment. I want to understand you Avril the best I can, and I want you to understand me the best you can so we start where it all began. Our past."
I sucked in a breath feeling the darkness racing in at the mention of that. A part of me wanted to curl myself into the numb void I had been living in, get up, and leave Ike but a part of me wanted to rise above this. I wanted these shadows, these inner past demons, to no longer affect my future. He took my silence as a go-ahead.
"Who will start?" He asked.
For so long they have dictated me and molded me, but I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want them to hold me back like they have and control me.
"I will." I started. "But it's not really a nice story and it's pretty long."
"I got time." His deep voice drifted over me like a gentle caress encouraging me to continue and promising to provide me with all the comfort I needed. "Mine isn't pretty either, so you can start whenever you're ready."
Taking a deep breath, it was me this time who found his hands that were calmly resting on the soil next to us. Interlacing our fingers, another shaky breath of air was inhaled. "I was seven going on 8 when I was adopted by my foster parents." I began feeling like my throat was closing in, but despite this I carried on.
"Their names were Gene and Carol, and it was nice...for a little bit. But Gene began to have trouble at work, and I always had a feeling that Gene had never wanted a kid, or more simply me. He was probably glad he was infertile in hindsight. Anyways, he never wanted a child, and when work began to get bad he began drinking. He was always moody and upset, and I would constantly get yelled at for the littlest things. The annoyance I always saw in his eyes as he looked at me slowly turned into loathing." A shiver wrecked my body as I thought of his cold, ruthless gaze that would crinkle sometimes in amusement when I suffered. "And Carol was my protective blanket against Gene, she always protected me...at first."
A wobbly breath left my lips that slowly began to tremble as my mind suddenly grew dark. And there I was surrounded by the shadows and demons from my past. All alone, I was left defenseless as I walked through the despairing darkness of my memories.
"She wanted a daughter who was just as a girly as her, who she could dress up in fashionable clothes, who loved to go shopping as much as she did, who she could gossip and get her nails and toes done with. She wanted a daughter who was everything I would never be." The truth of my words seemed to weigh on my chest and I found myself drowning in my pain and desolation. My chest suddenly felt like a metal safe had dropped onto it, and I could barely breathe but the train of misery had already started and I was stuck on the threatening train tracks unable to get off and save myself.
"I wasn't her ideal daughter. In her mind, I had failed her and deprived her of her dreams, so she punished me for it. She punished me for just being me. No longer did she stand up for me when Gene belittled me. In fact, she watched silently, almost evilly. I took it though, refusing to bow down to him, to her, to both of them. But I was just a kid, Ike. I stood no chance. There was no way."
The tears were rushing down my cheek now, and I found myself gasping for air as the words spud out of my mouth like liberating vomit as I finally unloaded all my hurt onto someone else, shackling him and forcing him to bear my burden. "I remember I had come home one day from school and Carol had needed help with something. I forgot to put my shoes in my room, and I left my shoes on the ground, and Gene had come in after job hunting with no luck. He stumbled over them, that's all. He didn't trip horribly, he didn't fall, he stumbled over them slightly and righted himself. It was a simple mistake that any kid could make. It was a huge mistake that only a dumb kid would make actually. He charged at me, and all I could do was stand there and pray Carol would save me." A bitter chuckle left my lips as I tasted the tangy sweetness of my tears remembering that day like it was yesterday because that was when the mental blows became physical ones. "She watched as he pummeled me, and took out all his anger. I had begged for her help, and in one moment of clarity I had looked up to her and I saw it in her eyes. This beating was punishment for not meeting her expectations, for letting her down. I finally understood and that broke me apart." My voice broke at the end.
"It went on and on, and I tried so hard to not let them break me any farther, but he beat on me and she played mind games with me. Sometimes she would step up and help me somehow and then some days she wouldn't, and I would always be left wondering and trying to figure out what I did wrong to make her not protect me when he hurt me. "
The epiphany hit me hard, like a punch in the chest. Gene and Carol had chipped me apart mentally, emotionally, physically. I had never stood a chance. I was doomed from the start. These insecurities, these doubts, these demons they would probably never go away, I realized as I clenched my eyes shut balling into myself feeling the shadows screaming at me. I just wanted them to go away.
I was gasping at air feeling like my throat would close up at any moment. That train was coming for me, and I stood paralyzed, weak, and defenseless waiting for the impact.
But suddenly, I found myself being yanked off the train tracks right before the deadly collision. The darkness evaporated around me and turned into light of salvation.
Air filtered back into me, and I gulped in a lungful of pure air. Eyes shooting open, my face was slumped against Ike's chest as his strong arms held me into a tight embrace. I realized now that my body was trembling. Swallowing shakily and feeling one of Ike's hand gently rubbing my back as his arm clenched around me like I would disappear at any moment, I tentatively slid my eyes up to Ike's face.
Jaw clenched, his eyes reddened and watery, he stared ahead. "You don't have to go on if you don't want to." He spoke slowly, voice pained and shaky, still looking ahead.
"I-I don't think I want to. I think you get the gist of my past." I smiled a broken smile up at him, but he missed it as he continued to stare ahead. "Don't worry though. It wasn't all bad. I had two amazing friends, and I finally stood up to him one day...no matter if it was a little too late."
Finally, whatever held his attention broke and he looked down at me. "I'm sorry I couldn't get to you sooner Avril." He blinked and the first tear broke away from its barricade and raced down his cheek. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you."
The shadows were now just a distant hum, and I could see myself watching that train roar on into the distance, away from me – my feet firmly off the tracks and watching on. However, this time, I wasn't alone because I could feel a warm presence just right behind me, ready to pull me into his arms and openly bear the burden I had been reluctant to give to anyone.
"I saved myself." I spoke up to him feeling those words ring through my entire being.
He smiled at me.
"I saved myself...a little too late, with a little help from others, and already broken into pieces, but I saved myself." For some reason, I wanted him to understand that.
As if he understood what I couldn't put into words, his lips descended onto my forehead. Disappointment filtered through me slightly at the fact that he missed my lips, but another part was glad that he hadn't gone there. "You're so strong Avril. I promise to never make you feel small like you did ever again. I still don't understand how I got lucky to have you as my soul mate."
I shrugged a shoulder feeling the sun shine on me. "I don't know either."
A laugh burst from his lips, eyes crinkling and that one dimple emerging. Silently, I watched him feeling like I hadn't saw him laugh in so long. I hadn't seen that dimple in so long. I missed it all.
With Ike sitting on the grass, legs spread with me sitting in between the open space, his arms loosely enveloping me, I couldn't help but realize that being in his arms felt so nice.
It felt like...
"You feel like home in my arms." Ike spoke softly, as if saying the words too loud would suddenly break the tranquility that had fell upon us.
"What do you mean?" My voice was just as low and just as soft.
"You feel like home." He said again. "You feel warm, safe, I don't feel like I have to put on a front and act like I'm something I am not. I just can be me." He sighed softly and distress reflected off of his face. "So I guess it's my turn."
We sat in silence for a couple of moments as Ike tried to begin. I laid my head back on his chest and quietly played with a strand of grass waiting for him to start whenever he was ready.
"My father...he's a man that likes control you see." He stopped, looking for the right words and understandingly I waited for him to continue, soothingly rubbing his leg and non-verbally letting him know I was here for him. "My father had created a perfect picture of what the Aldav royal family should be. My grandfather was a hard man, and my father learned from his ways, and I was the first born and the son so it was clear that I would be the prototype. It started when I was a kid. My dad was extremely harsh with me. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was emotionally and mentally abusive. He had a way of balancing my happiness in his hands and either taking it away or giving me that happiness depending on if I did something right or wrong."
Bittersweetly, I emphasized with him understanding him completely, but hating that one of our similarities was our pain.
"There was a man named Thane, and he was one our castle soldiers." I glanced up at Ike to see his eyes were faraway, a nostalgic smile filled with so much happiness yet so much hurt stretched along his face.
"He was the father I had never had. I learned so much from him, and at one point I think I loved him more than my father. You see, I later learned that Thane and his kindred spirit couldn't have kids, so maybe just like I saw him as a father figure, he saw me as the son that he could never have. Thane came from the Sacs, but managed to work his way up the ranks through dedication and will alone. He didn't have the resources; he didn't have a system or a group people backing him up. He fought his way up, and I admired him. While my father belittled me and tried to break me and mold into whatever he deemed fit, Thane gave me the freedom to just be a kid, encouraged me to be a different leader than my dad was. One who wasn't feared, but was respected. While my father was telling me everything I did wrong, he was telling me everything I did right and reaffirming me when I did wrong too but letting me know it was okay." A longing breath escaped his lips and a soft frown marred his face. "Man, I miss him."
"What happened to him?" I blurted, completely into the story.
Softly he blinked and looked down like he had just realized I was there. He stared at me for a few seconds, the bluish greens of the ocean colliding with my green and hazel undertones.
The frown deepened. "My father must have seen this or he must have realized that this man made me happy. At every chance he got, my father made sure me and this solider were as far away from each other as possible. He would even try to punish Thane by giving him extra work or being extra stringent with him whenever he could. He wanted Thane to know that he had the power. Each and every time, Thane met my dad's obstacles with dignity and perseverance. Selene, I remember one time my father had sent Thane to the dungeons, we barely even used the dungeons because that's how outdated the use of that type of punishment was. It was all my fault, that he got sent to the dungeons. My father had told me to stay away from him, and if not, there would be punishment. I had thought he would punish me, and I was okay with that but not Thane, I just couldn't handle that. But my father punished him, instead of me and after three days he was released from the dungeons and he just wasn't the same." Ike shook his head, shame reflecting on his face.
"He was just never the same. He acted different, and the man I had grew to admire became so distant with me. It was all my fault. Then the Dynoats came, and he was one of the first soldiers to be enlisted to fight. I'll never forget that felling of utter defeat as Thane walked away preparing to protect a world that had never cared or loved him like it should've. It was only two days later as we hid in the protective bunks that my mother told me he had been fatally injured in battle." Ike nodded, voice cracking.
"My father had looked so pleased. And I realized he had purposely killed my hero."
Silence engulfed us, as I realized just how twisted Zotar was. He was fucking evil.
"I learned to never get close to people because in the end they all go away. My father broke me; just like he had set out to do. When you break something, it becomes so easy to mold them into whatever you want. And that's what my father did. I didn't really care about much, even less after Teelah was taken. I was just a cold bastard who didn't have a fucking clue how to cherish shit...but then you came."
It was like the gloominess hanging over him dissolved as we locked eyes. "You came, and you were everything I needed. But I didn't know that, and the idea of you scared me and made me feel vulnerable so I treated you like crap and I pushed you away, because I just didn't know how to take care of something I cherished without getting it taken away from me first. Then there was Belladonna and the lies she strung threatened to break us before we even got truly started. I have always been a faithful man, Avril, but with you I wanted to break away from everything I had ever known. Now, I realized it was because we were kindred spirits, but even when I didn't know that, I still yearned for you. You were everything that I wanted, but everything that scared me at the same time. You were the forbidden fruit."
"This is the most serious relationship I had ever had and ever will actually." We laughed at that. "I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone else it feels like. It's like I'm an amateur and I learn with every mistake I make. I fuck up, Selene do I fuck, but I try. I'm just trying because I don't want to give this up. I want us to last."
"I want us to last too." I admitted feeling like Ike and I were finally reaching some type of new found clarity. "Ike, I'm a beginner too. You're my first actual relationship...as in there's no other guy before you." I ignored the possessive male satisfaction that glinted across Ike's face at my words. "If this is going to work. I need you to believe me, I need you to communicate with me, trust me. Even when shit doesn't look right or isn't adding up, I need you to at least talk to me and understand my side before you judge."
"I realize that now. Man, do I realize that now. I've been a fucking idiot in the past, and feel like with each challenge that gets thrown at us, I always fail you. It doesn't matter if I mean to or not. I just always fail." He sighed, regret and disappointment clear. "I'm going to give it everything I have this time. I love you Avril, not just because you're my kindred spirit or that you may be the most beautiful person I have ever met inside and out. I love you for you. I love you for your personality, the way you think, the way you act. There's a light about you that just attracts people to you, and I can proudly say this light has attracted me and put me absolutely under its control.
Trying to hold back a smile, still feeling on the fence about Ike, but willing to give this merry go around another gold, I grinned up at him. "You and me?"
He nodded, a tender smile adorning his face. "Against the cosmos."
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This was honestly my face throughout the entire week. Only the 1st week and school is really trying me. This was my exact face when my teacher had litterally just finished teaching us 50 to 80 new terms on the first day and was like okay let's have a quiz five minutes before the end of class.
Hey all, thanks once again for all the love from the story. Cant thank you guys enough for being so kind and supportive. Love you all!!