Alright, so I technically am an adult. I'm 16. You can get married and have sex and join the army, adult things.
But I'm just thinking...I'm not going to be able to function very well as an adult in this century, as many readers may already know.
I've managed to create a list as to why...
1 - I can't cook
Literally, I have failed in the basics of cookery. I have failed at the art of putting a bag of popcorn in the microwave for a couple of minutes before opening it. I have managed to royally fuck up chicken noodles. Also, any time mum decides she has to leave AFTER putting food on 'getting cooked' mode she leaves me in charge.
For whatever reason I am in charge. Of food. After almost setting the kitchen carpet on fire once, I have to say that I have improved.
(Yes my kitchen has a carpet floor, long story...)
There has also been an incident where I have tried to fry an egg with the stove not on....I almost poisoned my uncle...
And then there's the time I cremated the toast and had to call off the fire brigade...
Oh! And don't get me started on the potato incident! My 'adoptive family' have promised to never let me live this down! French_Viking knows what I'm on about! Long story short, I killed a potato in the microwave when trying to bake a potato...
2 - I can't clean...
I'm messy, but not in the sense that I leave everything lying about (even though I also do that) but in the sense that I just can't be bothered....
Like, I hate vacuuming. It is the worst chore I am given because UGH! It's awful! You need to drag about a fucking box while the nozzle refuses to move through carpet yet makes an awful noise when on hard floor.
I also hate cleaning bathrooms, because they shouldn't be dirty! They are supposed to be clean! It is where we get clean!
I am able to tidy my room once it has reached a certain stage of messy, but clean? As in, hoover (vacuum, whatever) and dust and CLEAN? Nuh uh, too much work.
And if I have to wash dishes, then I don't want the sink to be PILED UP LIKE A MOUNTAIN! That doesn't make me want to clean anything!
Just...cleaning is such a struggle, because then like a day later everything is messy again!
3 - Alcohol
I think some people just had a panic attack...
I don't mind alcohol, depending on what it is, yes I have tried some. No, I have never been drunk.
I feel very sorry for anyone who has to deal with drunk-me for the first time because whenever I do have alcohol I literally feel high...
As in, I start jumping off the walls and running round the garden yelling about how happy life is!
RIP neighbours...
4 - Work
...what redeeming qualities does someone such as I have that will make an employer think 'Ah yes, she will be able to do this job perfectly'
Because, come on, you know me....I'm an idiot and a half!
I can't think of a single job which I could potentially work well in and get paid well for....well, legally I mean.
So, I'm probably going to be living with someone...sorry~
5 - Dating
....I have told you about the story of when I tried to flirt, did I?
"Hair as ginger as the sun"
....I'll tell you one day....not today, but someday...maybe...
Basically, same thing as the whole work/job thing, what redeeming qualities does someone such as I have?
I'm pretty annoying, strange, loud, special, stupid, funny looking and need to be feed 24/7.
Well, I've just stomped on my own confidence...oops...
Oh well, love is overrated!
*continues to read sappy wattpad romance novels*
Well...saying this, I suck at flirting. I know this for a fact, as do many others
BUT
I am amazing at coming up with plans so smooth you would be able to just slide into someone's heart!
For example, comic con! My friend is cosplaying and runs into a cute Kiba cosplayer who wants a picture! They take picture! But then go their separate ways....
Unfortunately, I wasn't there at the time, but if I was then I would have been able to get this boy's name and number ASAP!
*snap, pic has been taken*
"Wow, that's a really good picture! Here, give me your phone number/facebook and I'll send it to you!"
...it would work, wouldn't it?
Yeah....my poor amigo suffered a few days of pain after hearing the plan that could have gotten her her potential husband...
RIP
Another plan, which my friend and I are going to execute soon, is to get her crush to fall for her. Literally.
So, this boy is in crunches at the moment after surgery so I was thinking that perhaps in the middle of the corridor I would just 'accidentally' push him to make him stumble into my friend's arms where she will then say the lines
"I didn't think you would fall for me that quickly"
Or
"At least take me out to dinner first"
Whichever works best....
So...yeah, you ever need help getting yourself some booty you know who to call!
In the wise words of some person...those who are unable to do, teach...or something like that...
6 - Driving
Ah! This! THIS is when people start having heart attacks!
Yes, next year I will begin learning to drive!
But have no fear, I am exceptional at driving! Go karts? Dodge 'ems? I can do it all!
Many of my friends and family have been shocked at my ability to drive even though I am practically incapable of everything else...
So, what's the issue? If I'm so good at driving, what's wrong with me doing so as an adult?
Two words: Road. Rage.
I will get so angry at people driving, that I fear I may sometimes 'accidentally' make a person take a wrong turn down "YOURE ABOUT TO CRASH" lane.
Oops.
It's really just another way for the police to catch me...
7 - Sleep
Now, to many this may not seem like such a big thing...but my parents are the reason that I get up in the morning because I usually get so annoyed by them that I just get up.
Without them, I will probably stay in bed till about 4 in the after noon and go to bed about that time in the morning.
If I end up living alone (touch wood) then my sleeping schedule is going to be so fucked up.
Especially in winter seeing as we have like an hour daylight! It gets a little light by about 12 and then starts getting dark about 2?
Or is this just Scotland where it's usually this dark no matter what season it is?
~
Well...I'm probably going to end up killing myself as an adult...
It's going to be the cooking, I'll end up poisoning myself! I call it now!
Or I'll crash into someone on purpose.....nah, I would never do that to the car <3
I'll probably end up pissing off the mafia or some gang...or the police...or the MI5....or MI6....or the FBI...or the CIA...
Or that strange Korean dictator who looks like that pedobear...
....oops....
Well, I'm #fucked so good luck everyone