Song recomendation for the chapter: Grow up. - Quarter life crisis. - Baby queen.
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"Don't forget your your keys love." Nick smiled at him, as he blew him a kiss, and Tara and Isaac giggled behind his back. Charlie pretended to be embarrassed, but he actually loved those little goofs gestures of Nick's, like nothing else in this world.
"I've got them right here." Charlie replied automatically before heading out the door.
Charlie met Elle and Tao outside his house, parked with Tao's mom's car which luckily they had been able to take. The late night walk had given him time to reflect on his heated emotions about moving in with Nick. He had no doubt that it was what he'd wanted since they'd been back....
But he didn't know how he was going to handle that with his parents, who would no doubt have a lot of opinions about it.
"I'll get the keys, a few things, and then i will hurry downstairs." He said to Tao and Elle who were waiting in his car.
"Thanks so so much Char." Elle added. "Forgive us for stealing you from Nick."
"Don't worry, he's still with Tara and Isaac."
"Will you tell your parents about your plans now?" Tao watched him worriedly from the driver's seat.
"In the middle of the night? So they can go crazy now? Never."
Charlie left them to go into his house, and while trying not to wake his parents he stuffed what he could into a suitcase and a backpack, grabbed Tao's keys and stood for a few seconds looking around his room. Though familiar, he suddenly felt like an alien there. Dark and empty. Childish and suffocating. It was true that his home had become a person, and it seemed that many years of neglect and doubt invaded his childhood room like a disease.
That made him think about his parents sleeping in the next room.
Back in Tao's car, Charlie found himself pensively looking out into the night as they drove through town.
"And why so sad?"
"I'm not sad."
"I thought Nick's proposal would put you in a good mood."
"More than that." Charlie smiled and looked down. "It's more than I expected and wanted. It makes me immensely happy."
"So?" Elle asked.
"Your parents..." Tao guessed.
"They still have their weird ideas?" Elle was surprised.
"I know that telling them I'm moving in with Nick will mean a big fight and... I don't want Nick to mean trouble for them. They saw me suffer when he left and immediately fall into his arms when he came back. They trust me... but I don't know if they trust him that much."
"You're an adult now Char. I don't think it's their turn to decide for you anymore."
"And you think they care about that? They are obsessed with control. They see me as a fragile mess who doesn't know how to make good decisions."
"They know Nick. You're not going far. It's not like you're running away with a stranger."
"Especially because it's Nick... they want proof that he won't leave me again."
"I thought they got along great with him."
"They do... they did... and he left and we got our hearts broken... and well, I got the way I got."
"Char but that..."
"It's neither one's fault, I know... or rather both of our faults. I'm not sure. The point is they're looking for proof that this time he's going to stay, and they think marriage would be that proof."
"Do they need the proof...or do you?" Tao's comment caused Elle to punch his ribs.
"You think I'm not sure?"
"I think it's valid to be afraid. It's valid to doubt." Tao wanted to take the pressure off his friend, even though he knew that was what he truly wanted.
"I don't blame you for thinking it's too soon." Elle said.
"I don't feel it's soon. Not at all. It's what I want...really..." Charlie clasped his hands doubtfully, thinking of a ring between his fingers. In all his childish fantasies.
"What?"
"I'd be ready for... for more..." Elle noticed it in his gaze, and Charlie smiled flushed.
"Are you talking about...?" Tao's eyes went wide.
"Agh my parents brainwashed me." Charlie covered his face and hid in the car seat.
"CHAR..." Elle covered her mouth in surprise as she smiled.
"You want to marry Nick... NOW!?" Tao looked at him in surprise.
"DON'T TELL ANYONE."
"CHAR!"
"IS THAT SO WRONG?"
"NO...NO NO NO...stop that. You know we love Nick and we know how in love you are..."
"A second ago you said it was too soon."
"I just don't want you to rush and fall into the same traps." Tao felt responsible, as always, for his friend's protection.
"But wanting that isn't wrong honey." Elle sought Tao's gaze, who watched the night, and felt her heart go full circle. She knew, deep down inside, that she had the same fantasies. "It's genuine and cute. I don't doubt he feels the same."
"You think so?"
"Don't you?" Tao and Elle watched in disbelief.
"I don't know if it's my own desires projecting."
"You have to have faith in him."
"The one I don't have faith in is myself. What if the pressure from my parents didn't just reach me and reached him too?"
"You think they've talked to him?"
"NO! I would kill them if the did... imagine..."
"Charlie..."
"If he asks me to marry him because of pressure from my parents or me and not because it's what he feels and wants I'm going to die."
"CHARLIE"
"WHAT?"
"Here we are."
"Ah..." Charlie grabbed his things again.
"But not only that... when I say you have to have faith in him I mean you have to start realizing that Nick does things because he really wants to. Proof of that is that even though he knows your parents don't agree... he wants to live with you."
Charlie hadn't thought about that "That's... a good point."
"I know it sounds weird that I think it's a good sign that he's going against your parents. But at least it makes it clear to you that his intentions with you aren't because of their pressure." Tao reassured him.
"Have you guys talked about all this yet?" Elle asked.
"No... not quite. I told him I wanted to talk about it but... I'm scared."
"Well, you already have homework tonight. Although I know you'll be anxious to premiere the apartment." Tao teased him
"Thanks for saving us...run to Nick." Elle pushed him affectionately.
He had never climbed a staircase with so much excitement before. When he realized he'd forgotten his keys and his boyfriend's voice was teasing him on the other end of the phone, he could almost feel the fizz of their love seeping through the phone. When Nick captured him in his arms he practically melted.
When they were getting ready for bed, between sheets and the sweet feel of each other's skin, Charlie thought about the satisfying conversation they'd had earlier, and doubted whether what he wanted or desired was truly his heart talking.
Or years of pressure imposed by his parents.
In Nick's loving arms he dreamed about their first dance at his wedding. He dreamed of the beautiful smile of his boyfriend kneeling. Over a ring glistening between his hands.
So, overheated, he woke up, already in the morning, with some tachycardia from excitement and still hearing the soft snoring of his boyfriend next to him.
Unfortunately they both had a long day ahead of them, and they couldn't satisfy the desire to wake up late. Nick had classes and practice, and Charlie had a rehearsal... and above all, he had to go home to announce his departure and talk to his parents.
When he returned home in the afternoon, and heard his parents in the kitchen talking to Oli, he remembered Nick's words.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Nick asked before leaving for work.
"You're busy love, and the sooner the better."
He knew he had to face his parents alone, but at least with Nick he could spared Jane's screams.
"Hey guys." Charlie announced his arrival by sitting down at the table. Oli was typing something frantically on his computer, while his parents were looking to convince him of something over tea.
"Bro...help me convince them that I don't have to apply to a million colleges."
"Well not to a million... but..."
"Don't get your brother involved Oliver, we had already agreed on the list of possibilities."
Both Oliver and Charlie rolled their eyes at their mothers while hiding a chuckle as they realized the other had done the same.
"What?"
"Nothing mom... How are you?"
"Good. As always."
"Do you want a cup of tea son?"
"Yes. Thanks dad."
A strange silence reigned as Julio, his father, poured him a cup of tea. Silence that was only broken by Oliver's typing.
"Why so quiet Charlie?" his mother eyed him suspiciously. "Everything okay?"
"Yes... everything okay. I'd like to..."
"How was Nick's moving?"
"Well... ummm... good..."
"Did you come back last night? I thought I heard something."
Charlie took a deep breath, he hated it when she interrupted him so much.
"No... Well yeah. I came back for some things but I didn't..."
"You haven't slept here in days."
"I know... yesterday was his welcoming party and..."
"Yesterday you'd have an excuse, but you've been with..."
"With Nick. Yes, I know... but..."
"If not with Nick with Tao or with Elle or with the girls. You don't seem to live here anymore."
Another silence.
"Mom..."
"How's the apartment?"
"Good... I..."
"You know what I thought? You should..."
"MOM" Charlie raised his voice... even though he knew he shouldn't have. Great, now they would start the conversation already a little tense. "Let me speak, please."
Jane frowned and leaned back against the back of her chair as Julio returned to his place with Charlie's cup, a little worried about how the conversation might progress. Charlie was grateful that at least he was there. Even though they both shared the same views, he was usually easier to talk to. Oli tried not to look up from his computer, but it was unavoidable.
"Okay... talk then...." Her mother crossed her arms, angrily.
"Mom, I don't want to fight."
"Neither do I, but clearly I've already pissed you off so..."
"I'm just asking you to listen to me before you intervene."
"Okay. I'm all ears." She raised her hands in peace and picked up her cup to take a drink.
"I want to talk to both of you actually. About... various things."
"I saw your ad on the internet. About the band. You're going on tour aren't you?" Oli added without looking up.
"Tour? Where to? Sounds good!" His father added, thinking it would only be a few days.
"You're going back to Ríen?"
"It's London actually. We'll... go away for a few months, in January."
"Months?" His parents looked at him worriedly.
"Yeah... months. We may be able to record our first album and we need to give several concert dates so we can wait for contracts."
"Is that the job of the manager you hired?"
"Exactly."
"And can't she get you something here?" Jane blurted out, not seeing him.
Charlie rolled his eyes and sighed. When asked about his life decisions he said he hadn't gone away to study far from his parents for... many reasons, partly because it was true, but also to run away from the real reason. His suffocating, incessant apprehension. He knew they still saw him as that hurting, fragile teenager. Broken. As if he couldn't stand on his own.
"There are so much more opportunities in London mom."
"Oh...that's...good news isn't it?" Julio looked to his wife for approval, and Charlie rolled his eyes at him again.
"Sure... it's a great opportunity..."
Charlie had hope "Yes... I'll be able to write more songs. Writing more... in general."
"What about math?"
"Maybe I can teach, I don't know. I'm taking some time off from that."
"Okay." His parents were clearly uncomfortable with the news of his departure, and especially his disinterest with his recent degree... but Charlie knew that wasn't the main news... and that he couldn't hide it forever.
"My other news is...is...about Nick."
A smile crossed his parents' faces as Oli watched them worry. Clearly they had shared their wishes to their young brother... and he knew it wouldn't come true any time soon.
"Oh! Okay... He's going to London with you?"
"No... he has classes and tourneys here."
"Did he...?" his mother held her hand excitedly, feeling her wedding ring. When they were little, and Tori had made it clear that she would never be the "little girl" her mother wanted, that pressure had fallen on Charlie.
And now he felt it on his shoulders more than ever.
"Yesterday... when I was helping him finish unpacking and setting everything up... he made me a proposal and..."
"Oh Charlie! You should have told us sooner! We could have invited Sara and..." Jane's excitement boiled over.
"Mom..."
"Yeah, sorry." Very smiley she held back, but Julio wasn't smiling, guessing what had happened.
Breathe Charlie. Breathe and just say it... "Nick asked me to move in with him."
"Oh... okay."
"And..." Charlie continued, but this time Julio interrupted him.
"And he understood that it's too soon, I guess." Julio looked at him sternly.
"Dad" Charlie held his forehead in exasperation.
"Did he get mad at you love?"
"What? No..."
"So?"
"It's not too soon."
"Love... you've only been dating again for a few months."
"I know... but..."
"But nothing. It's too soon."
Charlie just blurted it out. Exasperated. "I told him yes. I'm moving in with him."
Jane and Julio fell silent and turned to look at each other in confusion. Silence reigned again, and this time Oli, concerned, put his computer aside and looked at his family.
"Oli... Could you go up to your room?" Jane's voice cut through the air.
"But..."
"Please Oli." Julio insisted.
Oli didn't move, just looked at Charlie, who reassured him with his gaze.
"It's okay. Get in."
After that Oli left them, walking up the stairs as slowly as he could.
"Charles..."
"I think it's important that we establish that I'm not asking your permission."
"What?"
"I'll move in with him. I've already made the decision."
"Ah! Then you've made up your mind." Jane crossed her arms, angry.
"Didn't you want me to move out of the house for once?"
"Yes... but not like this."
"But not with him? Is that what you mean?"
"This isn't against Nick." Julio interjected. "It's just that we thought you'd live alone or..."
"What about us huh?" Jane interrupted, and Julio just shut up and looked down. "We're just painted?"
"Mom, I don't think this has to be your decision."
"What your mom means is that, as our son, we have to make these decisions together."
"That would make sense if it were true. But you don't want us to make the decision together...you want to make it for me."
"What? That's not true Charlie." Jane dismissed.
"Oh no?" Charlie couldn't believe it.
"That's what you're trying to do." Julio shot back, angrily.
"That's what you do with your life, Dad, make choices."
"You're not thinking this through. Charlie you know very well that your father and I believe in the order of things. Everything has a time and a place. Before you live with him, you have to make a commitment. We've talked about this."
"And as we've talked about it mom, a billion times, I repeat, that has no sense at all."
"That's the order of things Charlie, as it has always been."
"Okay..." Charlie looked at them ironically, letting out an angry laugh. "What about me? Why should I care about that?"
"Charlie that's the way our parents taught us, that's the way Jane and I did. It's the natural order of things."
"Dad there are people who think my relationship with Nick is unnatural. Whether something is natural or not in human social conventions is a very silly argument."
"This is not a social debate about right or wrong. This is about what we believe is best for your life."
"That's the point. You BELIEVE that's what's best for me, but you don't know. No one knows. Why not then give us the benefit of the doubt and just trust me?"
"It's not trust in you that we lack." Julio interjected, and Charlie just watched in disbelief.
"Honey marriage is a promise of stability. It's a commitment that means mutual care. It's creating a family. How could you live with someone you don't have these things with?"
"I got all that stuff with Nick."
"THEN GET ENGAGED!"
His mother's shouting stunned him.
"WHAT? ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF?"
"DON'T YELL AT YOUR MOTHER CHARLIE."
"SHE STARTED"
"Charlie if you love him, if he loves you... then what are you running away from? What are you waiting for?"
"WE'RE NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM ANYTHING. We're doing exactly what we think is best for us. How could I marry someone I haven't lived with? I love him as much as he loves me. You see one order in things, me another, he sees an other, Sara another... It's not all about you... what's so complicated to understand?"
"Charlie we know much more about life and relationships than you do."
"Oh yeah? And that's why your marriage almost fell apart years ago?"
Silence returned, and tears came to Jane's eyes, as she turned her face away and avoided their gaze. Julio just frowned, furious, and glared at Charlie.
"What does that have to do with Nick and you?"
"Absolutely nothing. That's my point. Her experience has nothing to do with mine. Not my life, not my relationships. Why is it so complicated to figure that out?"
"That...was out of line." Jane blurted out, her voice hard and angry.
"Out of line? Like talking to my boyfriend and asking him to propose to me even though we are just getting back together? Do you know what pressure that puts on him and me? Mom, what in your right mind made you think you had the right to do that?"
"What is he talking about?" Julio didn't understand.
"I talked to Nick a while back." Jane had no problem admitting it, but she still didn't look at Charlie, while Julio covered his face, confused. "And I don't think I said anything out of line. He asked my opinion."
"About moving in with me mom!"
"EXACTLY, and that's my opinion." Jane reached to hold his hand. "Charlie...you've been dreaming about that moment your whole life. So did I. You don't care anymore?"
"Mom, of course it matters to me, I think about it all the time...and I want it to be Nick. With every fiber of my being...but meddling in my life like that...didn't it occur to you that you could have taken him away from me?"
"In that case I would have done you a favor..."
"Mom..."
"Stop it Charlie. You think your words don't hurt? The problems your father and I had are not proof that we're in the wrong. You're not ready for all this, and to tell you the truth... I don't know if Nick is either."
"And what do you know about what he's ready or not?"
Jane hardened her face and straightened her body "Not only that...I'm beginning to doubt he is right for you."
Charlie felt his heart break a little.
"What?"
"Charlie please grow the fuck up. You had one of your... episodes a year ago and he ran off..."
"Jane..." Julio knew Jane was crossing a line.
"One of my "episodes"? Is that what you call my mental health?"
"How do you know he won't run off again? How do you know the next time you break into a thousand pieces, stop eating, and self-destruct he's going to be there for you? Five years he left you waiting, and when he comes back... What? He pretends nothing happened and... now this? No Charlie, you are being oblivious, immature and foolish."
Charlie let the tears stream down his face as he closed his eyes and clenched his now cold cup.
"So what... Marriage, according to you, fixes all that?" his mother didn't answer, knowing she had cornered her into a dead end. "I trust him mom..."
"You've done that before... remember?"
"Yeah, just like you did with dad...and here you are. Destroying your son. Destroying each other... Do you think I don't hear the screaming? Do you think Tori went halfway around the world just for work?"
"CHARLIE SPRING."
"Like I said." Charlie's voice cut through the air. He didn't scream, but through tears he hardened his voice so there would be no doubt. "I'm not asking your permission. I'm a fucking adult."
"So?" His mother looked at him with disdain and anger, as if she hadn't cared about the damage she'd done to him.
"I want your support. Just like I've always wanted it. Do I have it?"
The usual silence returned, and spoke louder than a thousand words. Charlie couldn't wait for an answer, so he, decided and practically on autopilot, stood up from the table. Running, evading the shouts of his parents, he locked himself in his room. A part of him hoped that they would come looking for him, that they would come asking for forgiveness... but when the minutes turned into hours, and the afternoon turned into night, he knew it wouldn't happen. Tired of crying, and with a thousand unanswered messages from Nick, he packed everything he could into suitcases and backpacks.
He rambled around the dark city trying to hold back tears, and luckily this time he hadn't forgotten his keys.
"Love... Everything okay? You didn't answer my messages..." Nick, with his back to the door, cooking them dinner with absolute calm, took a while to notice Charlie collapsing in the doorway. "Char?...Charlie!"
When Nick's arms wrapped around him his knees gave out, and he was finally able to let his guard down and let go.