Song recomendation for the chapter: Blush. - Wolf Alice.
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"MATIAS RAFAEL WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?"
Karina's scream startled both Charlie and Matias. Charlie was stunned, not knowing how to react or what to respond to Matias' story, who just told them everything that happened with Ben. After an arduous rehearsal the three of them had plans to watch a movie in Karina's room, and lying on her carpet they enjoyed a beer. Getting the truth out of him had been complicated, and once he told them the whole story... none of them could believe it.
"And you didn't look for him after that? Didn't he look for you?" Charlie looked worried. Angry and sad, but mostly worried for his friend, who had just ruined something that truly could have made him very happy. Matias had stood and paced nervously around the room, while Karina and Charlie watched him still on the carpet.
He was worried about Ben, about their recent friendship... and his plans adjacent to it with Nick.
"No...how could I look for him after doing that to him." Matias replied.
"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE."
"Karina I don't know if your screaming helps" Charlie tried to calm her down.
"WHAT? ARE YOU NOT ANGRY?" Karina looked at the two of them very surprised.
"Of course I am...but I think he feels bad enough without us, his friends, making him feel worse."
"Thanks curly." Mat was biting his nails to keep himself frome fainting.
"Having said that, Mat..." Charlie searched his gaze, and trying to convey peace, looked at him sternly, and noticed how Matias responded to that. Charlie wanted to support him but he couldn't hide his opinion either "I think we both know you made a mistake, and you need to fix it."
"A MISTAKE? YOU GET AN AMAZING BOY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AFTER YOU LOST THE OTHER ONE BY NOT REALIZING WHAT YOU HAD... AND YOU DECIDE TO DO... THAT! WITH ALL THAT LOVING?"
"KARINA" This time both Charlie and Matias scolded her.
Karina took a breath and tried to contain herself. Charlie knew that Karina and Mat had a long relationship before they met him, and that gave Karina the confidence to freak out with him. "Mat I adore you...but both Ben and Charlie are my friends, and you can't keep playing with their affections like this."
"Neither they with mine!" Matias covered his face with a pillow and threw himself on the bed. Charlie felt strange to be spoken of that way in his presence, but he was grateful for Karina's support. She was right, in a way.
But Charlie knew he was guilty too. Not just a victim. "Can you explain your reasons to us?" asked Charlie.
"What was it that motivated you to leave him like that?" Charlie noticed that Karina was trying to hide her fury.
"I PANICED" shouted Matias still holding the pillow over his face. "I'M AN EXPERT AT SELF-SABOTAGING MYSELF"
"That's not an answer. Clear reasons." Karina insisted.
"Let's see..." Matias stood up straight, took another swig of his beer, and continued. "It was a very very complicated night. We both left the party very confused. We both felt jealous and strange but with deep desires for more people and for each other. It was an intense night and yes...for a moment it seemed to have a good outcome. But we started talking about how we felt like a consolation prize... and I don't know, Ben convinced me that we shouldn't obsess over that feeling, but I couldn't let go. I think we both enjoyed the night, and I really felt myself falling in love with him...a lot."
"THEN?" Charlie and Karina shouted.
"IT SCARED ME!... not only feeling so much but also carrying such a huge responsibility as his affection and trust. I DON'T KNOW!." Matias turned to cover the pillow with his hands. "How do I know I'm not going to freak out when Nick, Charlie and Ben hang out? How do I know I'm not going to hurt him... or him me?"
"Those are risks you have to take, and boundaries you have to make clear. The answer isn't to run, it's to talk it out." Charlie stated.
"I TRIED" the pillow had returned to Matias' face.
"That filthy goodbye note isn't trying any fucking thing Mat, and you know it." When Mat let his teary eyes show behind the pillow Karina could finally understand the depth of it... Matias never cried, least of all for a boy. That was reserved for Charlie... and now for Ben apparently. "Okay... sorry Mat, I know it's confusing and weird and sometimes you do things in self-defense. Sorry for being so harsh... what would I know about relationships besides, I don't have them and I'm not interested in them." Karina took his hand and Mat smiled at her, "We just...want to understand, for Ben, but mostly for you."
"What was the last thing you two talked about?" asked Charlie, having a suspicion as to why Mat had reacted so fearfully.
"I...I told him I liked him. Very much. It just... came out" Mat's tears began to stream down his face.
"And what did he say?" Charlie understood.
"Nothing...he couldn't answer me. It...it...it tore me apart."
"Do you think that's why you got so scared and left?" Charlie finally understood.
"I think that's what triggered it...but the fear was always there. I know Ben really likes me... or at least he liked me, or... I don't know. But not hearing it from him...mixed with so many insecurities at the party. Feeling him so obsessed with you guys. I don't know... it didn't really feel like a choice for us. I didn't feel like he was there out of true affection, but more of a process of elimination. When he didn't respond to me I felted... a little used. Like a consolation prize, like he said we were."
"I understand Mat," Karina said, afraid to say more and ruin it. "But you realize that..."
"By leaving him like that... I used him, and surely he now feels, and rightfully so, like a consolation prize."
Charlie and Karina nodded slowly.
"I don't know. This isn't justification. I know I screwed up. I know that if I was so doubtful and so scared I should have stayed and talked to him... but I don't know, something in me was hoping he'd looked for me... and he didn't."
"I guess you can't blame him for that Mat, you asked him for time." Charlie held his hand.
"Yeah... I guess you're right." Matias sobbed.
"What would you like to do now?" he continued.
"For now... I'm not ready to face it." Matias retracted his legs in front of his chest. Holding their hands but hiding his face on his knees.
"It's okay... you have the right. But I do believe that if you have the desire to get him back. To explain all this to him and ask for forgiveness... it has to be soon." Karina added.
"The more time passes the more opportunity you give him to feel used and abandoned." Charlie said.
Matias nodded as he cried. "Do you know how he is?" Matias stared at her, pleading.
Charlie was paralyzed by his question, and immediately sought Karina's gaze.
"He hasn't said anything to me..." began Karina. "I haven't been able to see him either. I've been texting him and he said that he's fine and that he'll explain soon."
"You curly? Do you know anything?"
Charlie thought about Nick and Ben in the gallery downtown. Of everything they said to each other.
"I know he's angry... He didn't tell me anything but he made it clear that he's hurt and that...nothing was going on between you two anymore."
"I deserve it. I'm an idiot." Matias continued to cry.
"It's not clear to me if you want him back or not Mat." Karina asked.
"I'm not sure if I can now... but I'm certainly falling in love with him. Very much so. I'm hurt and confused and scared."
"Trust yourself then. You have to bear with yourself, breathe and think. You told me to trust that you were doing what was best for you." Charlie continued, rubbing his hand. "Karina and I may disagree, maybe this is what's best for you. I don't know, maybe you're right and you should work out that fear without a partner... at least for now."
"Maybe I do. I don't know... I'm really good at pretending I did things for something rational while making a mess of things." Matias mocked himself through crying.
"I think something you're not considering is that talking to him doesn't mean you have to know what to do."
"What?" Matias didn't understand what Karina was saying, as he cried, but Charlie did understood.
"Karina means you can talk to him, ask him for forgiveness, express how confused and scared you are... and that doesn't have to mean you're ready to be with him. We also don't know if he'd be willing if that were the case."
"Regardless of what you want or don't want, apologizing to him and talking about all of this with him will make you feel better."
"Don't you think if I see him he would expect an answer about us?"
"I think he thinks he already got his answer. If he's looking for it, the reality is you can't give it to him." Karina confronted him. "And I think the only one who can give you some clarity and peace is him. Explain to him what you just told us and see what he responds."
"And... that's it? Be honest with him and hope for the best?"
"I mean, if you can think of what you want to happen it would be the best... but if you can't, yeah, that's it for the time being." Charlie calmed him down.
"Okay..." Mat took a deep breath and concentrated on not holding back. "That I think I can do."
"Soon." Charlie added. "The more time you spend in silence with him the angrier he'll get."
"Shall I text him?" Matias reached for his cell phone, impatient. As if he were a lost teenager.
"NOW?" They both exclaimed in surprise.
"If I'm going to do this I need your support, otherwise I'm going to chicken out." Matias sighed through his last tears, trying to settle in to write the message.
"It will have to be a very good message... but yes. Ask to see him and explain." Charlie encouraged him. "And let us read it before you send it, please."
"Good night Ben..."
"It's not a work email Mat." Karina teased him.
"Hi Grun..."
"Grun?"
"Green, in German."
"Is that your nickname for him?" Charlie teased him.
"Yeah... so what?" Karina and Charlie smiled, teasing him a little. "What?"
"How can you have any doubt whether you like him or not?" Karina blurted out. "You even gave him a nickname."
"Can I have a say in that?" Charlie asked, and when Matias nodded he continued. "Don't use his nickname right now, it would offend me if after all this you tried to play cute."
"Hi Ben. Sorry for so much silence these days. I know you must be very angry, and I don't blame you. I'd like to get together so we can talk, so I can explain and apologize. I can stop by your apartment to get you when you tell me, we can take a walk. I hope you can." Matias showed them the message and waited. "Better?"
"Better." Charlie said, and as Karina nodded Matias took a deep breath, sent it, and threw his cell phone away.
"Now you need a distraction until he answers. A movie. Now."
The three of them settled on Karina's bed, turned off the lights and put on something to watch. With Matias in the center, they both tried to do their old jokes, entertain and distract him as best they could. Unfortunately neither succeeded, and although Matias watched the movie, he let little tears fall from time to time, watching his cell phone nervously every 10 minutes. Eventually Karina and Charlie fell asleep and the night settled down.
It wasn't until Charlie's cell phone rang that Charlie woke up and noticed that Matias wasn't in bed with them.
"Hello?"
"Hi love, did you fall asleep at Karina's?" Nick's voice woke him up a little and filled his heart with a warm feeling, which dispelled the anxiety of not knowing where Matias was.
"Do you hear it in my voice? Yeah, we didn't even see the end of the movie. How did your dinner at work go?"
"Fine! It was funny. Luckily Elle came with the art department and we kept each other company. We're going with Tao, Isaac and Tara, do you want to come love?"
"Sounds nice, but..." Charlie turned to look toward Karina's balcony, and noticed Matias' silhouette looking out into the night. "This is supposed to be a sleepover with the intention of cheering Matias up."
"How's that going? Is it working?"
"Well Karina is asleep and Mat is alone on the balcony looking out into the night...so I guess not. I'll have to intervene. I'll tell you later. At least we got him to send Ben a message."
"Wow... okay, I'll try not to second guess and wait for you to tell me." Charlie noticed in the silence on the phone that he was still somewhat anxious about by Matias. "Is it... okay for this to make me a little tense?"
"Of course it's okay, but if you could saw the state Matias is in you'd understand there's nothing to worry about."
"I trust you love. tell me everything tomorrow okay?"
"Thank you precious. I will, don't worry, shall we have breakfast together tomorrow? I'll be at your place early."
"Sounds amazing... I love you cutie."
"I love you, very much."
When Nick hung up Charlie put on his sweater and walked out onto the balcony with Matias. It was freezing, but the view of the center of town was beautiful. Matias just smiled as he stepped aside for Charlie to sit next to him. Once they had settled in, and were close to each other out of the cold, Matias smiled.
"Aren't you freezing to death?" Matias put an arm around him to warm him.
"A little... You wanted to be alone?"
"No... I just can't sleep."
Charlie thought about asking him why, but noticing he was holding his cell phone with Ben's converzation open, he understand without him saying it.
"Nick is sweet for still caring and feeling anxious about both of us."
"Did you hear everything?" Matias just nodded.
"Did he get too jealous?"
"Just a little... but he knows you're one of my best friends. The one who's going to be furious is Tao, that one's going to get really jealous."
They both laughed for a second, but Charlie noticed Matias' pain through the smile.
"Something tells me he already texted you back."
"Something worse." Matias held up the cell phone and showed him the conversation. The screen showed only Matias' message, and the sign that Ben had seen it and hadn't responded.
"Oops."
"Yeah... oops." Matias exhaled sharply. "I deserve it... I was an idiot, but it still hurts... a lot."
"Maybe he's busy."
"Yeah... maybe." Matias said hopelessly. "But I think we both know better."
"Yeah... I think you're right." Charlie leaned his head back on his shoulder lovingly.
"Can I ask you something awful?"
"Yes... but I don't promise to answer." Charlie joked.
"Would Nick know what Ben is feeling or thinking?"
"As far as I know... he does not Mat, sorry." Guilt boiled up in Charlie. He had to tell him about his date with the three of them...but how? How to hurt him so badly when he was so hurt. "Why would you say that's horrible?."
"I don't want you or him to feel like I'm using him to spy on Ben...I know you both have a special relationship with him and I don't want to intrude."
"You don't intrude Mat, not in the least." They accompanied each other for a few seconds in the silence. Charlie pondered in his head how to reveal to him how Nick and he felt about Ben. Hiding it from him would be even worse, and telling him when it wasn't clear to Charlie if Matias would pursue a future with Ben was... uncertain and strange. "So...that's it?"
"What else could I have done? He clearly doesn't want to talk to me."
"You're going to run into him sooner or later."
"If so... I'll see if he wants to talk. I don't want to stalk him either. If he..." Matias swallowed hard, as if the very idea of what he was about to say made it impossible for him to speak. "If he doesn't even want to see me anymore, I can't keep bothering him."
"I'm so sorry Mat." There it was, the pain he was so afraid of causing him was pouring out of him. Charlie hung around his neck and hugged him tightly, and didn't realize he was shaking with nerves and guilt. Of fear. Mat did the same and rested his head on top of him, wrapping his arms around his torso, feeling him tremble.
"Are you sure you don't want to come in from the cold? You're shivering."
"I want to be with you."
"Thanks for staying with me curly." Charlie heard him say through his tears.
"You're welcome." When the hug broke he tried to convey as much peace to him as he could with a smile, but clearly he wasn't being convincing given his circumstances. "I know I've been an agent of chaos in your life recently... but I really care more about your friendship than all that."
"So do I." Matias smiled back at him, watching Charlie's doubt and fear curiously. "But I know you... what's wrong? I know I'm in a bad shape but I sense something more than concerns you..." Charlie closed his eyes and took a deep breath, not knowing how to continue. They both settled back as they were before the hug. "Curly?."
"Before I tell you. Remember what I just told you. Your friendship is more important to me than all this."
"Okay... sure, I'll keep that in mind. Tell me... you can tell me anything."
"It's... it's about Ben." Matias' body petrified, but he nodded and Charlie understood that there was no turning back now. Without moving away from him or taking his head off his shoulder, he told him everything the three of them had talked about in the center gallery. When he arrived at the moment of the date, he noticed how Matias' crying returned... but he didn't move away from him. He held him tighter and rested his head on Charlie's.
"...that was it, then he was gone."
Silence reigned. Charlie decided he shouldn't push him, so he stayed on one side of him, holding him. They both watched the night, as they listened to each other's breathing.
"Thanks for telling me curly." Matias' voice was hard, lie should be. So much so that Charlie knew how angry he was. "If I'm being honest I don't know what to do with that information... but thank you for being honest."
"Are you... angry?"
"Yeah... well, I guess. I feel... horrible. But I don't know if it's just guilt or jealousy. I... I'm not... sure." Matias let go and even though Charlie noticed that he didn't want to get away from him, somehow he needed to. Matias pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, lit it and smoked. Exhaling smoke into the night. "Sorry, I know you hate it when I smoke, but I guess I deserve it." Charlie smiled and approached his hand towards Matias' cigarette, he, surprised, passed it to him, and Charlie sucked decisively. Coughing he exhaled the smoke. They both laughed and made fun of the moment. "Now that surprises me."
"Don't tell Nick." Charlie passed him back the cigarette.
"Secrets to the golden retriever. I love it."
"There won't be any more, so don't get excited." Charlie joked, and they both laughed. "I'll never understand what you like about it." Charlie watched as he blew out the smoke.
"It's an acquired taste...like me apparently."
"Shut up. You've been magnetic from the start, and you know it."
"But... it seems to be very complicated to stay with me." Charlie was about to speak but Matias stopped him. "I know that's my fault, I don't need to remember that."
"I wasn't going to remind you...I was going to tell you that it's not complicated to stay with you. What's hard is for you to... stay."
"That was low...even for you curly."
"I know... it just came out of my soul. I'm sorry."
"I like you to be honest with me... even if it hurts."
"So I shouldn't have kept it from you? It would have been worse, wouldn't it?"
"Yes... it certainly would have been worse."
"Mat..." Charlie turned his body and sat crossed his legs towards Matias, reaching for his hands. When he held them, he continued. "If you'd rather Nick and I had nothing to do with Ben... just say the word and I'll stop it."
"You'd do that for me?"
"Of course I would."
Matias smiled, surrendered. Without answering he sucked on his cigarette again, and when he exhaled he returned his gaze. "I think it's enough to know that you would..."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Just because I don't know how to manage my emotions properly doesn't mean you, Ben and Nick don't have the right to get on with your life."
Charlie sighed, nodding, knowing he was right. "I understand that...in theory. In a perfect world where there's no such thing as jealousy, and possession... but we're not in that world. You have a right to be angry or want to stop that."
"Sure." Matias smiled wryly, getting up. "Of course I have a right to be angry. To be sorry about all this." Matias raised his voice a little, letting his emotions show, and Charlie listened, attentive. "I'm jealous, and frustrated, and I'd love for Ben to respond to me, to forgive me. I'd love to be able to... kiss you, right now... and be a jerk, not caring about your relationship or Nick. I'd love to rip your clothes off and make you mine and try to forget Ben in the process. It infuriates me that you and Nick are so mature with your emotions and can respond to Ben...it hurts me that he jumped from wanting me to wanting you. ¡I feel a huge sea of possession and insecurities Charlie!...but they are just that. Emotions. They don't have to be rational, and I don't need your permission to feel them or not. That's one thing. But to do all that? To kiss you? To run to Ben's house when he clearly needs time? Stopping you, asking you not to, using your affection for me and our friendship to stop that circumstance when I push Ben away and I push you and everyone away... that's taking action. That's what I'm responsible for, and I don't... I can't do that to you. I can't do that to all three of you." Matias stopped screaming and leaned back against the balcony, as he finished his cigarette.
Charlie stood up and leaned against his side, as he let a few moments pass for Matias to breathe.
When he detected that he was ready he continued "You'll say you're not good with your emotions...but that all sounded very mature and sensible to me."
"I have my moments." Matias joked. "Sorry for yelling at you."
"I don't mind. I want to hear all those emotions...I understand them. I'm here for this. I'm your friend, really. Before I was your ex-boyfriend or whatever we are now. Thanks you for not acting on those emotions you recognize as violent or possessive. Thank you for...understanding us. For not holding us back."
"That doesn't mean you have my blessing." Matias joked, as he nudged him with his waist.
"I know...still thank you. I imagine this must all feel awful."
"It's not much fun, I'll be honest with you. But I know...I'm responsible for where I'm standing."
"Do you want me to... tell you? If it does happen, I mean."
"Yeah... I guess i want to know... eventually. I don't promise not to feel bad but... I'd like to know."
"Okay... I'll do that. You can hate me and yell at me at that point if you need it."
"Okay... I will." Matias joked with him, to which Charlie only responded by nudging him with his waist as he had done. "I think... I need a break anyway. From all this."
"From Ben too?"
"I don't think he left me any choice... but yeah, from him too. I must give him space."
"I beg you not to give up on him."
"I won't... but I need to feel this. Think. I don't want to go near him again with so much... chaos inside me." Matias sighed. "And I need to get away from your beautiful relationship too. You're beautiful and tempting... but I need to... think."
Charlie smiled, but for a moment a horrid doubt came over him "But you and I? Do you need a break from this too?"
"You're not getting rid of me curly, don't worry." Matias rubbed his hand affectionately. "You're my best friend. Wait... did you say I'm your ex-boyfriend?"
"Shut up." Charlie smiled, knowing Mat was teasing him.
"It's okay if you consider me one...I just want to know."
"You don't consider me one?" Charlie push him.
"Well yeah...in a way I do. I don't know... it's been so complicated and so long...."
"THAT'S WAS EXACTLY MY POINT."
"Stop making me feel worse." They both joked, as they watched the night and felt both of their guilt lighten.