Song recomendation for the chapter: Slut!. - 1989 - Taylor Swift.
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Separating from Nick was becoming more and more complicated, even though they didn't really do it that often anymore.
When Charlie walked into his college knowing it would be his last class he couldn't help but think about how much things had changed in the last few months. A part of him was excited to finish classes, but every classroom, every teacher and every useless equation or missing number had meant a refuge and a distraction in his darkest moments. But now he didn't need to be distracted, or hide from anything. Did he have to worry that Nick had given him back so much stability and peace of mind in such a short time?
He arrived at his last seminar room and sat down next to a confused Matias, who hardly noticed when Charlie entered the room. He looked tired, like the last time he had seen him. As if he hadn't had a good night's sleep since Elle's party. He typed on his computer, and when Charlie rubbed his shoulder to greet him, he just looked up for a second, smiled at him, and looked down again. Losing himself again in whatever he was typing.
"Last installments?" asked Charlie. He didn't know how he'd managed it, but with Nick working on his thesis for so long Charlie didn't find it complicated to devote himself to his final papers and turn everything in. There was also the pressure of the early graduation, which he was proud to have achieved.
"Sort of... I'm actually answering an email that pertains to you, about the band."
"Tell me about it."
Immediately after Charlie spoke the class started, so Matias couldn't answer him other than with a smile and a wink. Feeling him as his friend again was very special to him. Obviously he still saw him as something else, as he had always been, but Matias had been a key piece to his survival these past five years. Part of Charlie felt guilty that he relied on men for his own stability, but it wasn't something he could control at all.
Well, in men and in her friends, of course. Tara's voice popped into her head as he pulled out his computer and pretended to work for a while.
"Charlie you are self-sufficient even if you don't want to see it. You are talented, loved by many, independent and very very brave."
"You don't need a boyfriend to be complete dear." Elle's voice, in his memories.
It was true, he didn't need one. Although these 5 years had been plagued with fears and extremely dark spaces surrounding Nick's absence... there had been bright spaces, spaces only his. No one else's.
He had to try hard to remember that.
His mind drifted back to the conversation he'd had with his mother last night.
"Nick told me he's moving out in a little while."
"Yes! It's all set."
"Honey, before you move out, I need to talk to you about whether or not you plan to move in with him... and what that entails."
"Mom, please don't start."
"You know it's important to your father and to me."
"We talked about that mom, that's not my problem. I love you but my life is mine and mine alone."
"I think you're being very inconsiderate."
"Excuse me?"
"Your father and I..."
"Mom stop it. We'll talk when I get home. I love you. I'm not going to fight about this on the phone."
How dare they think it was reasonable to ask his to marry Nick before moving in with him? What fucking year is this?
Charlie had always dreamed of his wedding day. It was a romantic and important moment for him that had always been in his picture. For a long time the dream of finding the right person had been a crucial part of his childhood. You grow up and things change... the realization that he was gay, the bullying, the darkness of the world, all had altered that original fantasy.
A fantasy he had to abandon for several years, thinking it impossible... until he met Nick.
And his family wasn't going to ruin that for him with their rush and pressure.
If it was going to happen, it would have to be on their terms. At the time they would need or want it... and they weren't there yet.
Especially with everything going on with Matias and Ben, could he think about marrying the love of his life when he knew he had feelings for two other guys? Did he have permission?
Matias noticed that Charlie was watching him, lost in thought, so he took out his cell phone and secretly sent him a message.
"I know I'm cute, but you're exaggerating with your looks."
"Shut up you fool."
"What were you thinking about during class?" Matias and Charlie were walking toward the concourse, where a bunch of already graduated kids were celebrating that classes were over. "You looked so lost."
"Nothing...some business with my parents."
"Everything okay?"
"Everything okay with you? You look like you haven't slept in a month."
"I feel like I've been run over." Matias sighed. "I have the stress of my thesis, the band, Ben...I don't know. I don't feel quite right."
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
"There's not much to say..."
"When are you going to see him again?"
"Not soon. We won't be dating anymore." Matias made it clear.
"What?" Matias couldn't be that dumb.
"As you hear."
"Matias you can't just give up on someone you love so much."
"Charlie not everything has to work out. Ben is...special, I agree, but this is for me, I'm not ready. I'm not... ready for something like this."
Charlie rolled his eyes at him as he rubbed his arm.
"You're supposed to support me silly."
"I'm not going to push you if you don't think you're ready...but I don't agree with you."
"Can you at least trust that I'm doing what I think is best for me?"
"Sure." Charlie squeezed his hand affectionately. "But I still disagree with you."
They both laughed for a second, and Matias lost his gaze on the party behind him.
"Happy to graduate early?"
"Happy to evade the subject?"
"CHARLIE" Matias nudged him a little. "Give me a second to process everything."
"Only if you swear you'll tell me what the hell happened between you."
"If you give me ten minutes of normal conversation with my best friend, I will."
"Okay okay..." Charlie joked pulling out his cell phone and showing him the clock. "You have 10 minutes."
"Very funny." they both sat on a bench as they waved to mutual friends. "So? Happy?"
"Very... I really don't know why the hell I studied math."
"I thought you liked research."
"Partly... but it's not really what I want to do. I like all this stuff but it's not clear to me what to use it for."
"Did the music finally win you over?"
"I've always known I'll play all my life... but no, it's not just that. I want to write."
"Really? I thought you didn't write so much anymore."
"I started again recently...I want to send some chapters to some programs, see if anything comes in."
"Great news curly." Matias smiled at him.
"Thank you... I'm excited. I don't know, it gives me peace to understand that even though I like math and I'm good at understanding it... I only studied this so my parents wouldn't go crazy."
"Writing and playing in a band doesn't sound very stable let's say." Matias faked Jane's voice, and Charlie couldn't help but laugh.
"Your parents aren't worried?"
"Yes and no...they know I wouldn't listen to them if they had tried to stop me. But I really do want to do something with math, I don't know what but something... Don't you feel it's a lot like music?"
"A lot." Charlie smiled at him, as Matias saw his pleading look.
They were silent for a few seconds.
"Charlie it hasn't even been ten minutes."
"Curiosity kills me Mat. If you don't want to be happy and pursue love I can't do anything, but at least I deserve the full gossip."
"You're terrible." Matias smiled. "At least let me tell you what I was doing about the band in class."
"Tell me."
Matias pulled out his cell phone and showed him a series of messages with Karina.
"Leena made it, don't you think she's the best agent in the world? She and Sahar got us a lot of places in London. I talked it over with Karina and I think we can put together a really good tour. If they offer us enough money, I think we can stay at least a month or more in London."
"Are you serious?" Charlie couldn't believe it.
"That would be amazing wouldn't it?"
"When would it be?"
"In January. Not if, if things go well and they're big enough venues... who knows, maybe we can get producers or some record label."
"Mat that sounds phenomenal." The weight of reality came crashing down on Charlie. "Wait...this January?"
"Yeah... do you have plans?"
"No no... am free... it's just...."
"Nick."
"I mean, I'm not going to turn something like that down for my boyfriend, but what if the tour gets extended or I don't know."
"London is very close curly, don't worry."
"I know, I know. Just..." Charlie clutched his arm, anxious. "That's how we fell apart last time."
"That doesn't mean it has to happen again."
"I know..."
"Look, just focus on getting excited for now okay? Talk it over with him and I don't see why there should be any problem."
"You're right, I'm getting ahead of myself."
"Besides, Karina's going to kill you if you don't go for Nick."
"It's not up for discussion whether I'd go or not...I'm just afraid my relationship will suffer, that's all."
"I think if you can with Ben and me, you can with a little distance." Matias joked.
They both smiled and laughed. He was right.
"You mentioned him." Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Does that mean you're going to tell me what happened."
"Good God, you're never going to leave me alone. Okay, listen. We left the party and talked about everything. It was actually really good and we both understood each other quite a bit. It was a very cheesy and very beautiful moment and well... I stayed at his house. We had a great night... and we had amazing chemistry, but... I realized that I'm not ready to give him the relationship he wants and I asked him for some time. Happy?"
"What?" Charlie exclaimed, surprised. Matias spoke practically breathless and super fast. "No, of course I'm not happy. What's the substance of all this? Don't you remember telling me you were in love with him? If that was the case, why did you do all that? What did you talk about? How did he react? I need details, how about your night together? How did you tell him you needed some time? Why does all that mean you're not going out anymore if you just asked him for some time?" Charlie shook him a little. "MATIAS YOU DIDN'T REALLY TELL ME ANYTHING."
"Okay, okay, okay." Matias smiled, as he got back up. "Dinner and a movie at Karina's the day after tomorrow after rehearsal. I'll tell you all about it in as much detail as you want."
"MATIAS" Charlie scolded him as he walked away with his things.
"Gotta run! See ya!"
Charlie made his way downtown quickly after that. What the hell was wrong with stubborn Matias? Sure, he had a right to not be ready or be confused about his emotions for Ben, but Charlie had clearly heard when he told him how in love he was with him. But, what if it was only self sabotage?
Was he really capable of throwing away the chance to be happy with the person he loved?
When he saw the center in the distance, he decided to pull out his cell phone and dial Nick. Surely they would have to run a bit to get to their party early enough.
"Hey love! Ready to go? I'm a block away."
"Love? Hello..." Nick replied, Charlie could tell something in his voice. "I'm at the gallery, Ben came by to drop off some pictures, can you come? I think... we have a few moments before I have to go."
"Ben? Oh... okay, sure. I'm coming."
When Charlie hung up he couldn't help but be overcome with immense doubt and regret. He didn't know exactly how to apologize to Ben...if he had to. Would he feel uncomfortable because of the closeness he shared with Matias? What did Nick expect from the interaction?
When Charlie finally entered the gallery, Nick and Ben were talking about the exhibit. Without much thought Nick went over to him and kissed him warmly in greeting.
"I missed you cutie, how was your last day of school?"
"Miss you too handsome. Weird, but good I guess, I'll tell you later... Ben¡ Hi... Did you bring pictures for the exhibit?." Charlie didn't know whether to go over to hug him, but luckily Ben took the initiative, and with a smile he went over and hugged him. Charlie accepted the hug and with a confused look he looked up at Nick, who shrugged his shoulders, still smiling.
"Hi Charlie, good to see you... Sorry I didn't get back to you on the message you sent me. I needed a little time. I did indeed bring some pictures of my grandfather for the exhibit." Ben stopped hugging him and took a step away from them both.
"I must say I'm...surprised you're not mad at me." Charlie blurted out. "Ben...I should tell you that..." Charlie made up his mind to indeed apologize.
"You don't have to apologize. I'm not mad at you. You did... exactly what I asked you to do. For a moment I thought you'd walked away because...I touched your waist without your permission."
"What?" Charlie hadn't thought of that. "No no, not at all...it was because of Nick."
"I know, we should have...waiting to find him." Ben returned his gaze to Nick, who smiled back at him.
"I apologize to both of you for not waiting." Nick walked over to Charlie and held his hand.
"We understand." Ben and Charlie spoke at the same time, and they both laughed and blushed. Which caused Nick to do the same.
The three of them were too close.
"Okay... this is less awkward than I thought it would be, thankfully." Charlie blurted out. "Anyway, Ben I'd like to make it clear that there's no problem between us."
"There isn't. I was just telling Nick that as long as you guys are okay I can be at peace that I didn't break your trust."
"We're fine. You and Mat..." Charlie tried to hide that he knew certain things, but Ben clearly didn't believe him.
"It's all over... I guess Mat told you."
"No... not really. I know you weren't dating anymore but he didn't tell me what happened. He looks bad... tired and weird. He's avoiding the subject. Are you okay?"
"No, not really." Ben smiled at the irony. "But there's nothing else to do. At the moment, I'll be honest with you, I don't want to hear from him...I'm really pissed off. I'm sorry, I know he's your friend."
"No no... just because he's my friend and... my ex-boyfriend I guess, I know how terrible he can be sometimes. I understand. If you need someone who knows Mat to talk to, I'm all ears. I swear I'll be objective and not say anything I shouldn't."
"Thanks Charlie." Ben smiled at him. "So all good between the three of us?"
Nick looked at Charlie for a second to seek his opinion, and when he noticed that Charlie was doing the same and they both nodded in agreement, Nick continued. "All good, we really want to be your friends Ben."
"I'm glad...because actually emmmmm..." Ben scratched the back of his neck and instinctively saw that there was no one else in the room. Charlie couldn't help but be softened by that fact, it was obvious they were alone. "I was wondering if you guys would like to have a drink with me soon."
"Sure! I can tell Karina and..." Charlie smiled, not having understood.
"Char..." Nick cleared his throat and squeezed his hand affectionately. "I think he means..."
"I mean a date. I don't know if you'd like to have dinner or see a movie...I don't know... the three of us. Alone."
An awkward silence ensued in which Nick and Charlie just looked stunned, both blushing and not knowing what to say in response.
"Well..." Ben continued. "Think about it... I know it's weird, and I don't mean... a romantic date. Emmmmm... well at least not at first, I mean I don't know... emmmm... forget it, I don't know what I said..." Ben approached towards the door wanting to run out.
Nick and Charlie looked at each other looking for answers, and knowing what the other was thinking, the both of the smiled.
"Ben wait..."
Ben paused but didn't turn around, holding the door frame.
"When?" Charlie asked, flushed and confused.
Ben froze in the doorway and turned around. "Is that...a yes?" he smiled at them.
"It's a..." Nick blushed and didn't know how to explain what he was feeling. "Let's go out and see what's going on. It can be at my place." Smiled Nick. "It'll be empty and there won't really be much going on because my mom is already settling into her new house...but I can cook you guys some dinner."
"I don't cook anything... but I can pick out the movie." Charlie said, leaning his head on Nick's shoulder as they both looked at Ben smiling.
"Sure...then I'll bring the wine...Friday?"
"Friday." Charlie nodded.
"Great." Ben couldn't hide his excitement. "I'll...text you guys later in the week then...see ya." He gave them one more smile and nervously left at last.
Charlie waited until he heard the front door close before he yelled as he shook Nick. "WHAT THE HELL DID WE JUST DO."
"I have no idea...." Nick looked pale, excited, but very nervous.
"Love aren't we super late for your game?"
"Yes." Nick covered his forehead with his hands, combed his hair back a little and exhaled loudly. "Shall we run?"
"Let's run." Charlie smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Luckily they arrived in time for Nick to run to change and discuss the plays with his team. Charlie settled into the spot he always chose now to watch the games, and excitedly watched Miles and David walk out onto the field, let go of each other's hands, and scatter into the game. What he would have given to have done that more with Nick back in his school days. Behind them came out Nick in his uniform, and as usual, seeing him like that had a strong reaction in Charlie, who was now dying of heat. Watching him run the game made him think of London...and his tour. They could be months away, and while he knew there would be no force in this universe that could make him doubt how committed he was to him... distance and time do horrors to people.
On the surface things might look or feel good... but deep down no one likes not being with the one they love.
Eventually the game was over, and Charlie resented no longer having an excuse to watch his beautiful boyfriend run and sweat in such short shorts. As usual, Charlie waited for him at the school exit, and it didn't take long to see him come out, with wet hair over his face and a huge smile on his face.
"I love it when you come to my games." Nick gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I love having an excuse to see you in your Rugby mode." Charlie hung on his neck and Nick kissed him deeply. Nick felt his hands hesitate to grip Charlie's body, given that they were still in their work...but resisting kissing him was impossible.
"Rugby mode?" Nick asked him when they broke apart.
"You know... sweaty and sporty, shouting orders around, with that serious expression you do. It's adorable."
"Oh yeah?" Nick blushed. "I think I get it...that's how you get when you play the drums or sing."
They both forgot it was getting dark and stood there pressed against each other, just looking at each other.
"Do you miss playing?" Charlie whispered to him, thinking about his tour and how to tell him.
"I play all the time with my students, it's fun."
"But in matches and championships I mean. On a team."
"Yes... I know what you mean." Nick taught it over for a second. "Yes, of course I miss it. My college rugby league in London was highly rated and always full. I never made it in. I played with some friends... but it's not the same."
"Have you looked at other leagues?"
"Sure, but it's not that easy...besides, I have my classes now."
Holding hands they started walking toward Nick's car. Neither knew how to bring up the subject of Ben.
"I think we should talk about Ben." Nick began.
"Did we rush to much at accepting the date?"
"I don't know...I mean, it's something I think we both want, but it scares me."
"Did you feel pressured into accepting?"
"Not really... you?"
"No... neither. I really want to... experience that with you. I'm scared too, and I mean, nothing has to happen yet, we can just watch the movie or have dinner or drink that wine."
Nick looked at him a little incredulously. "I think it's a bit of a suggestive environment for nothing to happen."
"Still, nothing has to happen."
"Yeah... I agree." A silence caused them both to look at each other and start laughing. "But... I think I do want something to happen."
"Me too." Charlie hung a little on his boyfriend's arm and enjoyed the sound of his laughter.
Feeling this comfortable with him, with the absolute certainty that they could confess these kinds of emotions to each other...and be okay, was like a dream.
"We can start slow. Do something easy for everyone to digest" Charlie thought.
"Yeah... Maybe just a kiss first?"
"Exactly." Charlie gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You're adorable."
"You want just one kiss from him? Well, in addition to the one you already gave him."
"Silly..." Charlie interlocked his arms in to his and Nick gave him a little nudge with his hip. "I think... I want more..."
"Me too..." Nick assured him. "As long as you are there... I'd like to see how far we can go."
When they got into Nick's car they both turned to each other and settled in to continue the conversation. "I feel the same way. I know we both cross boundaries without each other and it didn't feel comfortable. But if we're together and we know that at any time we can stop or talk...I don't know, I feel a lot safer and more comfortable."
"Same for me. Everything we talked about after Elle's party still stands besides."
"Sure. Those boundaries stay."
Nick smiled and couldn't hold back a nervous laugh. "Are we really going to have a threesome with Ben?"
"It looks that way...at least someday."
"Would you like us to explain our boundaries to him?"
"Maybe during the date we can talk about certain things."
Suddenly Charlie thought of Matias, and imagined himself naked with both of them...with what Charlie considered perfect bodies...and him just...being him. That thought crushed him, and Nick could tell his mind was going to a dark place.
"What are you thinking beautiful?" Nick stroked his face, which had been lost in thought of something else.
"Two things...first. Do you think I should talk to Matias about this?"
"I think... you should tell him what happened." Nick thought for a second. "And then you can explain our intentions to him. At least for the sake of being transparent and letting him know it's not against him."
"Sure... I'm just panicking about hurting him."
"Sure... I understand. Explain it to him, and be honest with him. I hope he understands."
Charlie noticed how angry Nick was with Matias. "You're angry, aren't you?"
"A little. Because of Ben." Nick was very serious about protecting the people he cared about. "But I know he's important to you, so I understand not wanting to hurt him with all this."
"Yeah...I'll figure out a way to explain it to him." Charlie kept thinking about the bodies of the three of them, about all his insecurities.
"What's the second thing you're thinking about?"
"I don't know how...I'm going to handle to...feel comfortable with it. With my body and all that."
Nick sighed, knowing how much Charlie suffered with that subject, even alone with him when he knew he was completely safe and loved. "I guess Ben will have to slowly have to earn your trust. Our trust. You don't have to show him anything you're not comfortable with." Nick held his hands. "And I'll be sure to let you know and to make you feel how beautiful you are all the time."
Nick wouldn't make his insecurities go away...but he certainly helped.
"I love you." Charlie smiled at him and leaned in for a kiss, as Nick whispered that he loved him more on his lips. "I guess if it comes to that...I'll see how much I want to show myself."
"Exactly. Besides, I think he's open to us explaining all this stuff to him... Talking it over with him might make you feel more secure."
"Maybe... I'll have to see how much he's willing to tell me. Do you have any fears like that?"
"Sure..." Nick thought for a second how to explain it. "I don't know, I think my insecurities are in a different way. I'm afraid of feeling isolated and not knowing how to express it... or make you feel isolated. I'm afraid we can't include him or... just don't know what to do with so many... I don't know, men."
They both laughed for a second.
"I guess that's normal. I don't even know where to start either."
"Maybe we can create some kind of... dynamic, or game."
Charlie hadn't thought of that. "That could work, maybe even be fun."
"Will we be getting too far ahead of ourselves? Who knows if anything will happen."
"I think better safe than sorry...also, I think it would be wise to..." Charlie didn't know how to put it.
"What love?"
"It's something I wanted to talk to you about anyway. I'd like us to get tested. About venereal diseases, HIV, and all that. I think it will make us feel safer."
"I think it's very healthy love." Nick smiled, and took his hand. "That's a great idea."
"I don't want you to think that I think either of us has anything or..."
"I don't think that." Nick smiled. "I think it's good that we both know our status anyway."
"Yeah." Charlie smiled. "Besides, if we're negative on everything and we both have that confidence...I don't know, we can save on codons."
Nick let out an uncomfortable laugh. "Would you like it if... we didn't use a condom?"
"Sure." Charlie looked down at his lips. "I mean, between us, with Ben we have to."
"Sure." Nick blushed, seeing Charlie's lips too.
"Would you like that?" Charlie asked.
"With you? Of course." Nick shivered, thinking about the idea of being inside Charlie without a condom. His mind drifted down to his lips "I want to kiss you so badly."
Charlie smiled and moved closer to him, fulfilling his desire. They lost themselves in each other's lips for a moment, not knowing how to stop. Nick played with Charlie's curls as he pulled him closer to him, and his tongue played with Charlie's. It wasn't until Charlie ran a hand down his boyfriend's chest, and wanted to jump off the other side of the seat to get on him... that he remembered they were still in the parking lot of Nick's work.
"Nick...we're still at Truhman."
"It's...true." Nick sighed and adjusted his shirt. "Are you sure you want a ride home?"
"Of course not, for me I'll stay on top of you in this car forever...but my mom's going to kill me if I don't come back today."
Nick smiled, starting the car.