Nandini
I love you, Manik.
But I never meant you to know.
Because I knew you'd go stone cold exactly the way you did. I knew your eyes would go grey and blank exactly the way they did. You did exactly what I knew you would do.
You stood up, opened the door and walked away. I heard the door close behind you with a thud, and I shut my eyes, quivering.
My head fell back against the wall, my chest thundering hard and fast against my ribs. Cold and sickly chills covered my entire body, while the tensed sweat beads trickled down my forehead.
I knew you didn't love me, Manik.
That's why you were never supposed to know.
I knew it would come someday. This... withdrawal. I knew Manik, and I knew he wasn't looking for anything near what I had been manifesting somewhere deep inside me for a long, long time. But I was hoping I wouldn't have to go through this withdrawal. Because I was never going to tell him. There were so many times, so many nights in last two and an half months I've thought- what would I do when he goes back?
I knew the answer. I'd give him my biggest smile, hug him the tightest hug, kiss him like it was the end of the time- and then I'd let him go. Just like that.
What I would do after? That, was something I was still working on. That was something I knew I'd have to work on, forever?
But at least the honour of my feelings would be protected around all my broken pieces.
This one beautiful thing of mine- I did not want it broken.
But no. Now was not the time for this.
I took some long, deep breaths. Then sat up straight and wiped sweats and tears away. Manik had just come out of a very disturbing nightmare- in a very disturbing way. None of us needed to deal with anything else right now.
I needed to go to him.
He needed to know it didn't...mean anything. He needed to calm himself down and get some sleep.
I hoisted myself up to my feet.
Manik
I love you, Manik.
She was in love with me.
Nandini Murthy was in 'love' with me?
What was wrong with this girl?
I paced the length of the hallway, again and again and again, as the sweet, gentle voice murmured in my ears 'I love you, Manik' over and over and over again. The honesty and innocence in those three dangerous words and purity in my name in her tongue- there was no denying it. I had heard it. She probably never meant to say it- but she did. In the purest, most innocent moment of confession Nandini Murthy probably had in her entire life.
Ask me how I knew it?
I didn't know. I shouldn't know.
And Nandini Murthy definitely should not be in love with me.
How...how could she? Just after what happened?
My pacing never ceased, neither did the amount of feelings thickening in a density where it was hard to breath.
What feelings, Manik?
Anger. Frustration. Disappointment.
On her, or to your own self?
No. Both.
I should've known better than this. I should've known this was how it'd come down to.
The magnitude of the... situation was too elaborate. I was way beyond my control, had been for a very long time- and I hadn't even realized it. I had laid out my broken pieces right in front of me and scattered them rapidly, over and over again, as if I was trying to place them right? With what, exactly?
The pieces didn't match. They would never match.
In my own depth of subconsciousness, I knew it was going too far- I realized it now. I wanted her too much. Fuck, I needed her too much. And I didn't try to turn any stones to hide it away. From her, from my own self; I was not careful enough to keep my broken pieces away.
And it wasn't just my pieces broken apart this time- I realized.
There were hers, too. So many of them, scattered in a whirlpool of mess all around me.
When did our broken pieces began to align together like this?
I shook my head- I was being stupid. Nothing had aligned. Nothing was too out of the line...yet. We could stop this. I could stop this from going anywhere it intended to go- all of the circumstances that ended in more broken pieces.
I didn't have it in me to attach them together anymore. I didn't want to.
Unbearable rage wrecked havoc on my nerves. Rage for ... who? Nandini?
Of course Nandini. How stupid did she have to be to have fallen for someone like...me?
But was it really just Nandini? That I was mad at?
Images after images flushed before my eyes. Laughters I shared with her. Inside jokes and flirtatious glances. Car rides, morning wakes, breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Watching TV together she cooked. While I cooked. Everywhere, we were never apart. Everything was her. With her. Beside her. Inside her. Her body wrapped around me in sleep, days after days-
My entire body jerked viciously.
I was just about to kill her.
I couldn't breathe. Not even the biological one that you're supposed to intake to be alive. I remembered my dream now. It was another of those 628239th dark rooms- where Nyeonika screamed at me how I could- I gulped a lump in my throat- how I could never have anyone, because I didn't have it in me to keep. All I knew what pushing away and destroying beyond repairs.
I shut my eyes, trying to tune down the memories crashing back to me but it all jumbled up together- my dream, Nandini, Nyeonika, my dream, Nandini-
I felt myself sliding down to the floor. I was going to throw up.
How could I ever dream about killing her? How could I actually try killing her?
Why was it so wrong with me?
"You need to breathe, Manik,"
I jerked my head up, alarmed. Nandini was tiptoeing towards me, her voice calm and serene.
"Manik, you're having another panic attack," She explained patiently, close to me now. I tried to blink, tried to ignore the constant chaos of my head- to see her properly. But I couldn't; everything was blurry. I opened my mouth to exhale, but all I got was another wave of nauseousness. She calmly insisted again, "Manik, it's going to be alright. Please, can you focus on breathing?"
No, I couldn't- I wanted to tell her. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. The storms and chaos in my head silenced everything.
Ever her.
Nandini-
I knelt down in front of him, speechless. One hand dug into the foam of the sofa, another hand stamped to the floor as he tried to breath, mouth and nose. Even within the dimmed golden hue oveshadowing the room, you could see his eyes- once shut, next bulging out of their sockets- wild, grey, red. So red.
Suddenly, he was bending over and retching.
I ran to the washroom, grabbed whatever I got and held it in front of him just as he began to throw up.
"Manik..." I blinked back fresh tears, rubbing his back as he emptied his stomach, and kept retching. I ran back to the table and grabbed glass of water.
As he calmed himself enough to take the glass from me, another shadow loomed over me in the room.
I turned around, "Kaka-"
"Should I call-" he paused, "No, sorry. you're the doctor only. Is he sick? Was it something you ate tonight-"
"No, Kaka. Nothing-" I lost track of my words, looking back at Manik. He was now staring ahead into the dead end blankly. I shook my head, crooning to Sachin kaka, "Umm..."
"I'll clean that up," he motioned towards us, "Do you want me to help him to the room?"
I shook my head again, "No, I..."
He stared at me for a while, leaning forward to the floor as he picked up the dirty bucket.
"You remember my friend Ashish from next door, right?" He said, forming a tight smile, "I'll go stay at his house tonight. He's always calling me there to have a late night card part-"
He heard. Of course he heard.
"No, Kaka!" I insisted, despite knowing deep down Manik and I needed the privacy for whatever that was... going to happen now. Or, Manik could just get up and get back to sleep...
I composed myself, staring back at him, "No, Kaka. It's so late.. Why'd you leave in the middle of the night! Besides, he must be asleep by now. It's dark and frankly, not exactly just next door-"
"Nandini, I'm not leaving," his curt smile emphasized kindly, "I'll just go to a friend's house. Believe me, he is not asleep. They all play cards till four in the morning,"
In Lonavala? It was so hard to believe- but nothing came to my mind right now. I gave a small, tired nod.
He picked up the bucket and giving me a few small instructions as he cleaned up, left.
Three days of gaining back the energy to live through - I felt like I was losing them all together again.
"Nandini,"
I turned back to see him on his feet. When did he get on his feet?
"Manik-" I followed after him, "Are- are you okay?"
He did not reply me. Instead, his eyes pierced through mine with an eerie stillness, that made my breath hitch.
"Why did you say that?" He asked, his voice cold and husky. Chills run down my spine- but not in the wonderful ways they always did when he looked at me with his soul piercing gaze.
It was...cold.
"I-" I gulped, finding my voice tremble.
"I need to know. Why."
"Because..." I wiped my tears, attempting to steady voice, calm down my nerves, "I did not mean to say it like that. That was- that was a spur of the moment thing-"
"Did you mean it?" He held me tight in his gaze as he asked that. The rigid calmness in his tone frazzled me.
Never telling him was one thing.
But I couldn't lie. I did not want to lie.
"Did you-"
"I did," I replied, my voice so shaken I was afraid he couldn't even hear me, "Yes, I did. But I never meant to-"
"How, Nadini?" He took a step closer to me, his brows furrowed in a way as if it was a mathematical problem he couldn't solve, "How did that happen?"
I tore my eyes away and sighed, "Manik, let's not make this a bigger deal than it has to be-"
"I'm not!" He shouted, "I'm not making any big deal out of this! We need to rectify a mistake here,"
"Excuse me?" I looked back at him, stunned, "Rectify a mistake?"
"Yes, you're definitely going through something! What is it, a phrase, maybe?" He grabbed my arms, "I mean, look at you, Nandini! You're this strong, beautiful, hard working, independent woman. You cannot waste yourself falling in love with someone like me!"
I stared at him, too stunned to voice a word. What was he saying?
He let out a dry laugh, "I mean, did you not see what happened a few minutes ago? Or are you too blinded that you don't even see it as a problem?"
"You were having a nightmare," I said, my tone tight and clipped, "And then you had a panic attack. Both are very common-"
"You don't get it, Nandini?" He pulled me closer, shaking my body and my entire existence with every word he uttered, "I'm fucked! I'm bloody fucked in the head! I was going to kill you in my sleep and I wouldn't even know it!"
"Yes! Because it wasn't intentional!" I shouted back, "Manik, yes it is an issue that we need to look into, but-"
"Look into how, exactly?" Mirthless laughed filled the air, "Therapy? Shrinks? Well guess what, it doesn't help. You wanna know how I know it? Because I tried it! One shrink after another Mukti took me to," he shoved me away, "She's like you, you know. She also thought I could be fixed,"
"Manik, I get it. You haven't had the right experiences with your therapists," I tried to be calm and reasonable, "But,"
"Oh, Nandini," he shook his head, his eyes screwed as if he was going through intense physical pain just for going through the conversation, "You're so fucking naive. You don't get it. I've done this before. With Mukti. With some other poor girl who didn't even know me. I-"
All the air left my lungs, "What?"
He shut his eyes, hands trying to cover the guilt and shame in his face as he went on, "I- there was this one night stand seven years ago- the girl left me a note in the morning saying I was a fucking psycho. There was this one night," he paused, panting, "I was super drunk. Mukti and I- we just fell asleep on the couch together. In the middle of the night- Mukti had kicked me and slapped me several minutes before I woke up-"
His voice broke down again, as he knelt to the floor in front of me. I stared at him, dazed, hypnotized.
"That's when I agreed to take therapy," he said, finally looking up to me again, "And I never, ever shared a bed with anyone else. If the therapy had worked Nandini, I wouldn't have done this to you after six fucking years!"
More tears streamed down my eyes, as my hands clapped my mouth. I wanted to scream. I wanted to curse and kill and finish everybody and everything that did this to him.
How broken could a person be?
He looked up to me, shaking his head, "I swear to you, Nandini. I would never hurt you. I would kill myself before I hurt you-"
I nodded, kneeling in front of him, "I know, Manik-"
"But that doesn't change the fact that I was about to hurt you," his eyes and mouth and voice turned stone cold again, "It's all my fault. I knew what I was capable of. I still shared a bed with you. Day after day, night after day-" he stood up, pacing the room while his hands uprooted the strands of his hair, "Funny thing is, I tried to stop myself. I kept telling myself I could fuck this up anytime. I kept telling myself I needed to stay away. I needed to stop. And yet, I kept making excuses every single time like a bloody fool. What did I think, Nandini? I was cured? I wasn't fucked in the head anymore?"
I shook my head, my knees almost gave away as I stood up again,"It's still not your fault, Manik-"
"Can't you see?" He groaned, "Nandini! Wake the fuck up! I'm harmful to you! I'm fucking dangerous for you!"
"You were unconscious, Manik!"
"And that's fucking worse!" He screamed, "That's fucking worse because I can't stop myself when I'm hurting you in my fucking sleep! Stop defending me!"
"I'm not defending anything!" I screamed back after him, unable to take this anymore, "Why the fuck didn't you tell me this before!"
Thick silence coated the entire room, as we stared at each other, both pair of eyes red, wild, horrified, tired. Our lungs overworked to let us have our breath back. Hair stood up all over my body, chills ran down my spine in the freezing cold of the night.
Then he shook his head again.
"Because I couldn't see it," he whispered, his throat raw and rasping, "I couldn't see the horror that I saw in your eyes today. I couldn't see how low I could sink in before your eyes,"
I let my eyes shut, welcoming more tears and physical pain in my heartstrings.
What had we gotten ourselves into?
"But that was a mistake,"
I looked back at him. His eyes were numb and cold, "That was a mistake in so many ways. I...let things go too far. I should've told you. I should've already told you so long ago so you could see what I am. Who I am. Fuck, I should've never let myself anywhere near you that you'd need to be warned about me. I never let myself go close to anyone. What did you do to me, Nandini? Why couldn't I just leave you alone?"
I walked up to him. I let my thumb brush away those tears from his cheeks, watched his eyes melt in the touch of my hand, "Manik..."
His lips touched my palm like a silent whisper, his eyes looked back at me in pain, prayer, pleading. My entire body trembled as the force of his emotions, so raw and palpable- thrashed my entire existence in the speed of a lightning bolt.
How could I not have fallen for him?
"How could you fall for me, Nandini?"
My hand slipped away from his cheek, but he didn't let me go. His hands gently palmed my face, arching me to look at him,"Nandini, you have most beautiful heart and soul I have ever met. You..." His voice gave away, his eyes stark and loud instead, "You're ... you're the most beautiful person I've ever met. Inside and out. Why are you not guarding your precious broken pieces from me? Why would you be in love with someone who cannot give you the entire universe and beyond everything-"
"I'm not expecting anything from you, Manik-"
"You should!" He pressed on, jerking in my face,"Nandini, you should be in love with the right person! The person who can give you everything, from whom you can expect and get every bit of happiness that you deserve. Don't you see it? You deserve so much better than what you've gotten in life! So much fucking better, and you keep going after the wrong people! Why?"
"Then why can't you become right person for me, Manik?"
His entire posture changed. His hands left my face, he staggered backwards, his eyes had all its energy wrenched out of them. But I pulled him back to me, a sudden burst of energy surging through me.
"Why, Manik?" I went on, tugging on his hardened jaw to look back at me, "Why is it so bad that I've got feelings for you? Can't we make this work? Are you telling me that you haven't grown any amount of feelings for me?"
He tried to pull away from me, but I held stronger, "Look at me, Manik! I know we both have our broken pieces. I know we both are fighting demons inside and out. Why can't we do it together, Manik? Just like you fought Madhav for me? We could stand together and fight against them, all our demons. We could protect our broken pieces together, Manik,"
"No we can't," he said, tugging and wrenching himself free from my grasp, "Nandini, let me go!"
"Why!" I held onto his shoulders with every bit of my physical and mental energy left in me, as he tried to turn his back at me, "If you were so bad. If you had no feelings for me whatsoever- then why did you pull yourself out of your own walls for me? Why did you do all these to free me from Madhav?"
"That has nothing to do with love!"
"You're wrong!" I screamed, "Manik, please! Please, let us have a chance. We could help each other! We could work!"
"No we can't!" He finally succeeded and pushed me away, his eyes spitting fire, "Are you fucking insane? You said you never meant to tell me!"
"Yes I didn't! I didn't because I knew you are going to leave. I didn't because I knew you'd react exactly like this! But you're wrong, Manik. You've good here. With me. With everyone. Without even realising you've entangled yourself with not only each and every one of us but you've made each and every one of us a part of your life, too. You don't realize that, Manik-"
"This looks good to you?" He roared back, "This was all a big fucking mistake! Every bit of it. I should've never come back. This place fucked me up, can't you see? I was alone and I was fucking good alone! At least I haven't tried murdering anyone in last six years!"
I groaned in exasperation, "Manik-"
"I wouldn't have come back here, I wouldn't have met you, I wouldn't have convinced myself that suddenly I can't live without sex and we wouldn't be here today, you falling in love with me because I was a good person to you!"
This words hit me like a bullet train, "What?"
"Why isn't that why you fell in 'love' with me?" His eyes were dark and ruthless, his voice harsh and implacable, his words unforgiving, "Because I was one of the only person who's been good to you? Because you mixed my normal humane behaviour with the behaviour of a great wide kind heart because you've never known what love actually looks like?"
"Shut up, Manik,"
"Why, Nandini?" He stepped closer to me, "Hitting too near home? Nandini, you've been fucked so bad by those people in your life that you cannot differ between being normal and being good! Madhav was so horrible to you and then I came, apparently saved you like some kind prince in shining armour and dang! There's the man for you! Isn't that what happened, Nandini-"
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Echoes of my scream drummed into my my ears for several seconds- but all I heard was silence. All I saw was red darkness.
"You may not be capable of love, Manik," I said, surprised by the stone-cold voice that left my throat, "But that doesn't give you the right to disrespect mine,"
He stared at me quietly, only a few seconds, before his lips curled and he broke into a humorless fit of laughter.
"Yes, Nandini. Sure," he said, "Your 'feelings'. What is wrong with you? I mean, you're wired like that, aren't you? Putting effort behind the wrong people? Falling for the worst person you could fall for? This is one screwed up pattern you've got there, buddy-"
He couldn't finish that sick speech he had began. Because my hand had smacked across his cheek, loud and hard in the dead of the silence of the night.
"You were right," I said, as he stood motionless, his face bent down the way he had been slapped, "You're definitely not the right person for me. You know the funny part, Manik? Deep down I always knew that. That is the reason why I would've never, ever told you that I love you,"
Blank, numb, nerves and feelings paralyzed, I turned on my heels. Away from him. Away from everyone and everything.
Away from the fact that I still couldn't use the past tense when I last uttered those three words.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I know probably all of you hate Manik Malhotra with all your guts. But hear me out.
When I began writing Manik- I was very sure from the very beginning that he would be flawed. We all are flawed in our own ways, and Manik actually chose to be flawed and chose to be all alone by himself, because that was how he redeemed. Please, go a little easy on him?
As for Nandini Murthy.
Yes, she may seem perfect to you- but as I write her character every day, I realize more how deeply flawed she is inside, too. Yes, they are not so visible and transparent as Manik's- but I guess that's what make her flaws more... dangerous?
I have been dreading writing this chapter ever since I started writing this story. Because I knew it'd be hard. It'd be ugly. It'd be all broken, nothing beautiful. I knew it'd be hard to pen those raw things down.
What I didn't know was- that I would have to write them, fresh from my own experiences.
I honestly couldn't fathom if I should put trigger warning in this chapter. Is it needed? Let me know with your generous comments. Let me know what you all are thinking about this chapter.
Thank you.