Song recomendation for the chapter: Delicate - Reputation - Taylor Swift.
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Charlie ran through the center as he turned to see him smiling... Nick's mind flew to that time at Harry's party that followed him and it all started. He was drunk, as drunk as he hoped Charlie was, because he didn't want to do all of the unleashing on his own.
He ran after him and thought about whether to hold his hand like he really wanted to, but he didn't. He followed him up the stairs, up two floors, and they came to a metal door. Outside the cold returned, and now they were on the roof.
"Can we be here?" Nick looked out into the night and took a deep breath.
"I think we can take advantage of our friends-of-the-mistresses privileges." Charlie leaned against the railing overlooking the garden, and Nick did the same beside him. He didn't see him, but Nick did. His profile was so beautiful. He loved seeing him when he didn't. He looked so natural, so organic. Without thinking he took out his cell phone and took a picture of him.
"Nick, stop."
"But you look so good."
"You haven't changed a bit."
They both laughed as Nick looked at the beautiful photo on his cell phone, and through the photo he noticed something he hadn't realized before because of how enraptured he was by his beauty... he looked sad, strange.
"Are you okay?" Nick reached over, and opened one of his beers, passing it to him. Charlie took a long drink, but said nothing. "I know you, something happened."
"You... are you drunk?"
"Yeah... but I'm fine."
"We were never to fond of drinking."
"No, that hasn't changed. But I thought today was special. Besides, I needed the courage... are you drunk?"
"Quite a bit."
"Aren't you going to tell me what happened?"
Silence.
"Nick?" Charlie ignored his question and just watched him with desperation. Eagerly. Happy, but confused and clearly tormented by something.
"Charlie."
"I want... I want to ask you for something. Something I have no right to ask."
"Anything."
"I want you to leave Imogen."
He said it. If he was already being selfish, he had to exploit it.
Nick was stunned. Surprised but strangely satisfied. A tingle ran up his legs and into his stomach and chest.
He had requests like that too.
"I want you to leave Matias." The words just gushed out, like water.
They both laughed, as they grinned at each other like fools. They moved closer because of the cold, neither was really ready to respond yet. They weren't touching, but the warmth of each other was enough to keep them from freezing to death.
"I figured that's what you'd want...I, I don't know how I feel about him. He is a real jerk sometimes but... I really hurt him with all of this. He told me you hit on him earlier."
"What...that jerk...that's a lie. He was the one who hit on me, Tao's my witness...i would never do that to you."
"I know...like I said, he's a jerk...wait... Tao?"
"He arrived just to hear the end of our conversation. I didn't even want to talk to him." Nick told him in detail about his conversation with Matias, Charlie just listened as he took swigs of his beer and oscillated between looking at the ground, the night, and Nick. "Tao can corroborate it, I swear." Charlie just stayed quiet again, pondering. "You don't believe him do you? I would never do that to you. I wouldn't do that to anyone...least of all you."
"I believe you Nick, I know you wouldn't lie to me... he is a..."
"Asshole." Nick finished. They were close, but not touching. They just felt the heat the other was emanating increase... or was it just a mirage from the alcohol and their own desires.
"Is that why you want me to break up with him?"
"Partly..." The words were still on the tip of his tongue.
"Imogen is amazing. I don't want you to broke up with her because I think she's no good for you... it's pure selfishness."
"I don't think it's selfish for you to tell me how you feel..."
"I don't feel entitled to make you give up something that makes you happy."
"Just because Imogen is great company... doesn't mean am happy."
"Aren't you?"
"I think I could be... more..." Nick nudged him with his hip, to which Charlie only responded with a laugh. "Were you upset about what Matias told you about me or did something else happen?"
Charlie couldn't hold it in, and let a tear fall. Nick immediately put a hand on his shoulder. "What happened?"
Evrything unfolded... and he told him what had just happened. Nick was furious, and started circling like a cornered dog. Charlie was strangely calm for his experience.
"Is it selfish to tell him what you feel and think?"
"Playing with his emotions is. Asking him to change things and then asking him to stop."
"You have every right to ask him to stop. He can't do this to you... I'm so sorry Charlie, you shouldn't have to keep living that."
"Nick it was me that hurt him."
"So many years being your friend and... He thinks this is the way to win you back?"
"Nick" Charlie noticed the anger was fitting him into a spiral.
"I should have been there to do something."
"Nick." Charlie stepped in front of him, but Nick couldn't see him.
"You shouldn't have to face those things alone. I..."
"NICK" Charlie grabbed him by the face and slammed his body against him. That dropped him completely, and made him see only him. Nick's heart stopped beating for a second to return to its normal rhythm.
Sparks. Fire. Everything erupted between them.
And no matter how much they wanted to kiss... they didn't.
"I make mistakes Nick. I should have been consistent and objective with him too. This isn't just his fault. You can't protect me from myself."
"I don't want to let anything... hurt you."
"It's all right."
"It's not okay. He had no right."
"He's not Ben" Charlie understood what Nick was feeling. "Matias may be an idiot but he had no intention of making me do anything. I understand your goal is to protect me, but you have to accept that I hurt him too."
"I have a hard time accepting that you can... hurt us."
"Can I ask you something else?" Charlie interrupted him, not letting go. Nick hesitated whether to do the same and hug him too, since Charlie's hands were still holding his face and his own were hanging awkwardly at his sides. He could feel Charlies torso and legs stretching to be level with his face.
"Sure...can I..." Nick tentatively brought his arms up to embrace him. He feared overwhelming him with more unwanted contact.
"Touch you? Please." Nick felt both their bodies untension and held him firmly and lovingly by the waist. Having him this close was more intoxicating than all the alcohol they'd both had. "I need you to give me permission to apologize to you."
"What... No, you don't have to apologize. You haven't done anything wrong."
"Do you remember why you started telling me that?"
"Because you considered your very existence a nuisance."
"I think what you devised as a way to give me self-confidence became a way I opted to manipulate you and hurt you."
"You don't hurt me Charlie, you don't have to..." But Charlie reproached him with his gaze, and Nick understood that he wasn't referring to that moment. He was referring to so many years ago.....
That night it all ended.
"I hear you" Nick replied calmly.
"You can tell me..."
"Tell you what?"
"How that night made you feel. Give me permission to apologize."
"Charlie I..." But Nick couldn't hide it anymore. The past came rushing back, and like a train it crushed him. Tears came to his eyes and Charlie held him tighter and let him cry. "I...I'm so...so angry about that night."
"You have every right to be."
"I want you...to apologize to me for asking me to leave you. For telling me that you didn't love me anymore, that you didn't need me anymore. For taking me away from you when you should have not been alone. For lying to me."
"Nick, you have no idea how immensely guilty and sad what I did to you makes me feel...I'm really sorry, and I know I say it a lot and it loses value...but I've never felt it as much as I do right now. Really, really, I'm so sorry." Charlie began to cry too, and they moved even closer, to whisper the rest to each other.
"That's all I wanted to hear." Nick agreed, calmer.
"I was in such a dark place, so much so that I stopped seeing who was there to help me and who was there to hurt me... I lost track of what I needed or wanted... and I felt so abandoned and alone that I decided to blame you for everything... and then, then you believed it all. It was so easy to convince you that I didn't love you anymore that my heart and my head convinced me that you never loved me... that I made it all up."
"Leaving you that night was the worst thing I ever did. I accept your apology, and I ask you to forgive me for not understanding where your emotions were coming from. I was so hurt to hear you say those things. I was so angry that you wanted to push me away to hurt you that I had to get out of the way so I wouldn't lose myself."
"You did what you did to survive, I don't blame you."
"You too."
"You'd been busy for weeks because of college, my condition had gotten so bad and I don't know... I decided to set fire to everything on my own before it happened."
"If I could I would have been there every second of every day."
"I know... and you had to go and get on with your life, it's not bad that you want to live and grow."
"After we broke up I... I understood what you meant about things losing color. I don't know if you heard about this but I had to be monitored for a while because I lost control of things and was delirious."
"Imogen told me everything. She was a great friend to both of us during that time...not being there for you in those dark times when you were there for me in so many made me feel like I didn't deserve you. I'm truly sorry."
"You can't be there for someone if you're not there for yourself."
"How wise you are...I mean, for a Rugby player" Nick smiled and nudged him lovingly, which made Charlie's weight fall mostly on Nick's grip, keeping him from falling.
"I'm so sorry."
"Me too."
They stayed like that for a few minutes. Holding each other and letting each other cry over the wounds of the past, wounds that slowly healed, wiping each other's tears away. Eventually Nick touch his nose with Charlie's, just little, which made him smile, and from then on the laughter overtook the tears.
They broke apart, even though they didn't want to.
"Thank you for generating this moment Char, I needed it and didn't know how to ask for it."
"It was my pleasure...thank you for listening to me."
"I hope you know that you've already lost the right to apologize again."
"At least as long as I don't screw everything up again."
"You won't." Nick held his hand, and they both sat down and leaned their backs against the railing. "I trust you."
"I don't... I think I trust you more than I trust myself."
"Well I trust you for both of us then."
The music in the garden suddenly stopped, and the lights went out. They both saw their cell phone glow with a message from Darcy and Tara
"Darlings we are off to dinner and to sleep. Don't worry, you can stay as long as you want. It's your turn to close. Take care of it for us. There are some keys on the counter. Have fun, you little chicks. <3"
"Should we go?" Charlie said worriedly.
"Do you want to go?"
"Not really."
"Me neither."
Charlie just pulled out his cell phone again, playing his music. That gesture filled him with nostalgia, remembering the millions of times Charlie had shared that with him. They decided to stay in, lie down and watch the stars. As they finished their beers they listened to music in silence and pointed out things they saw in the sky. They talked about their lives. Nick told him about London, his adventures, college, his problems and his virtues. Charlie told him about the band, about college, about things he had missed in his friends' lives, about his pains and pleasures. They talked for hours, finishing a second round of drinks that Nick had to fetch.
Eventually there was another silence, as they finished laughing at some silly thing Nick had said. They shared a bottle they had pulled out of who knows where, and when Nick reached down when he finished to point to something in the sky his hand met Charlie's hand.
"So..." Charlie watched as they held hands, so naturally and warmly. "Friends..."
"ah... that..." Nick squeezed his hand a little tighter. "I mean, I can hold my best friend's hand, can't I?"
"Sure." Charlie settled in next to him, drew his legs back closer to his chest and leaned his head on Nick's shoulder. Their bodies tensed, and Nick immediately tried to position himself to make Charlie more comfortable. "And I can snuggle with my best friend."
"I guess I might as well ask my best friend to dump his abusive boyfriend..."
"I think that's where our game falls down...because I don't think I have the right to ask my "best friend" to dump his amazing girlfriend."
"Charlie I..." Nick knew it was his turn to take the next step, he had tried so hard to mend the wounds of the past.
Take a deep breath. For the last time, let yourself love him again.
"Nick?"
"Tell me."
"You were quiet."
"I'm just...recharging." He whispered to him, as she squeezed his head against his hair and rub his cheek against his curls. "How do you manage to still smell so good after a party'"
"Gay magic."
"I must smell awful."
"I like it."
Why did he have to be so... sexy.
"Charlie, I'm breaking up with Imogen."
Charlie stirred beside him, turned and looked straight at him.
"What?"
"I'm going to explain that I just want us to be friends again."
"Imogen is amazing."
"She is, but..." Blue eyes like a tumultuous sea. Storm that set him adrift. "But it's already too much to think of going through this whole night without kissing you...I can't even imagine what horrible it would be to live the rest of my life like this."
Charlie's face lit up so brightly that it seemed to challenge the night.
"I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a single second. These years without you only taught me how happy you make me. You are beautiful, intelligent, creative, compassionate, brilliant... Charlie everything reminds me of you. Everything makes me feel you and want you. I love..." Nick stoped himself."...the person I am with you."
"You're drunk."
"But I feel every single thing I'm saying to you." Nick held his face as he did before. "Making you happy is the greatest pleasure I've ever felt in my life."
Charlie just smiled and watched him, unable to say anything.
"Do you... feel anything like that?"
"OF COURSE I DO." Charlie threw himself at him. In one motion he swung his legs around his waist and across his lap. He sat on top of Nick...they were both petrified, but neither could stop. Nick grabbed his waist tightly and pulled him close to him, sitting himself up to be closer to him. "Ever since I saw you leave I've waited for you to come back. Your everywhere Nick. You took my heart and you never gave it back to me. It's yours and it always will be. Nick you are the most special thing that ever happened to me. You changed my life over and over again, and you just keep on doing it."
"Why are we like this?" Nick smiled and breathed the same air as Charlie.
"I don't know, but it feels so good to stop pretending I didn't want to do this since you sent me that text."
"Char..." Nick's breath hitched as his lips almost touched. Their noses pinked but neither could move or remove themselves. "I need you."
"You have me."
"What are we going to do?"
"Fix this mess."
"Char... I need to kiss you."
They both stood transfixed millimeters apart. Breathing in the air the other exhaled. It would be so easy to just surrender, to let go. Nick felt Charlie's hips on him, his hands holding his face so close and yet so immensely far away. His hands trembled with excitement as they were above his pants, and just the place below his shirt.
"You know what I like most about you?"
"Char can I... touch your back?" Charlie just laughed for a second while Nick couldn't say a single word with a out tremble, and with his own hands guided Nick's strong arms underneath his t-shirt to wrap around him completely. "Now can I keep talking?" Charlie just squeezed his arms with desire.
The contact with Charlie's skin made Nick feel an immense pressure in his pants, which of course Charlie noticed. "Okay... talking is getting... hard... while feeling that..."
"Sorry... I..."
"Nick I love it... but I want to tell you something."
"I'm all ears." Nick said smiling sarcastically at him, as he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the railing, while slowly and gently stroking his back.
"What I love most about you is how immensely good you are. How easy it is for you to do the right thing."
"Right now it's being hell."
"I know, but even if we were..." Charlie couldn't help but play with his hip and rub even a little against Nick, to which he only responded by tensing up and with an angry look. "Very very happy for a few hours..."
"Don't move like that, it's not fair."
"Then we would feel terrible about doing this to someone we love."
Nick thought the same thing, but so much desire had suppressed all his guilt.
"I know...I don't want our reunion to be something we'd regret."
"Neither do I." Charlie just gave him a kiss on the forehead, and left his lap, to sit back down beside him.
"Hey no, I'm cold now." Nick complained as much as he could with grimaces and noises, but eventually he sat up and settled back down next to him. They both took another drink of their bottle and sighed at the effort it had taken them not to give themselves completely to the moment.
"I hate that we're good people."
"It's terrible." Nick grabbed his hand again.
"How do you plan to explain all this to her?"
"I think I'll just... tell her everything, chronologically. She's not stupid, she knows what's going on, but I'm worried about hurting her."
"I think it's inevitable to hurt people, once in a while it's necessary to spare them more harm in the future."
"Do you think she will not want to be friends with us again?"
"Maybe it will be hard for her at first... but I think she'll eventually understand. I mean... she's done it before."
"Agh now I feel worse." Nick covered his eyes with his hand. "I'm worried about destroying everything we built over there. I know London is complicated in our relationship, but I have an important piece of my life there. I don't want to lose it all."
"You don't have to...things change. I think if you explain tactfully and you are willing to do what she needs from you to make this all easier, you can go back to your life in London once...this is over."
Nick realized what that comment implied.
"I don't plan to run off to London and leave you again."
"I'd never forgive myself if you drop everything you built back there for me."
"I think we need to be patient with each other... and take one step at a time."
"Besides... who knows... maybe we could go away together next time."
"Stay, go. As long as it's with you." Nick again brushed his nose against Charlie's.
"I'm going to need a sprinkler with water to keep you away."
"What are you talking about, you don't like it?" What started out as a game turned into a tickle fight. Fights that Nick always won. Within giggles Nick ended up on top of Charlie, holding his weight with his arms on either side of his face, both with their legs intertwined.
"I think you know I like it..." Charlie couldn't help but admire the spectacle in front of him. Nick's muscles braided in the moonlight, his beautiful face... it was his turn to make impertinent requests. "Nicky can I... touch you?"
Nick just smiled, blushing and nodding. Charlie moved his hand delicately over his shirt, feeling the strength underneath and every muscle tense. Nick reached down to kiss him on the forehead, leaving a slight sigh of pleasure between them. Charlie lowered his hand to where his abdomen ended, and could not continue.
"This is good...isn't it?" Charlie cupped his face and pushed his hips into Nick's. "I mean we're not kissing."
"I think that rule has a lot of flaws."
A strange light distracted them both.
Dawn; they had spent the rest of the night like this, looking for ways not to break the rules.