♡Hailey♡
So, for a little while, I suspected nothing was different about Luke and his opinion of my brother.
I was glad Zander had made a friend. He's not approachable or friendly in the slightest, so people are usually afraid of him. He gets called mysterious often. Apparently, some girls are into that, and although Zander is a walking pride flag, some girls still shoot their shots.
Those interactions never do end well.
In Minnesota, the only friends he had were two, identical, very nerdy twins, named Kaden and Jaden. The three of them would hang out after school sometimes, but Zander just usually kept to himself. He's just never had much interest in being surrounded by people.
And then Luke stepped into the picture.
They met the first day of school, when Zander was being stubborn and moody, and refused to tour the school with me. Luke always volunteers to show the new kids around, (or at least, that's what he's told me) and the two of them hit it off. They exchanged numbers, hence the three-hour phone calls that began to take place between them every. single. night.
Then, I began to pick up on certain signals I hadn't noticed before.
Luke touched him a lot. It was subtle, but noticeable if you looked carefully. He doesn't accidentally brush up against my side or graze my hand as much as he does Zander.
At first, I thought I was just overthinking because it's what I'm best at, but I kept discreetly picking up hints.
Luke put a purple heart next to Zander's contact name, but every other contact didn't have a heart next to anyone else's name.
Again, I just thought I might be reading too much into the situation.
I started documenting Luke's actions in an old notebook I bought at Target after I caught Luke staring, and I mean, staring, at Zander's lips. He didn't take his eyes off them for like two minutes. That's when I began to piece everything together.
Luke came over on Sunday without calling or texting first, and told me he needed to talk to someone, asap.
Zander wasn't home because he had gone to some piano exhibit a couple of hours before. I told him this, and he said "Okay, that's good" and I panicked for a second because, truth be told, I thought he might be confessing feelings towards me.
The main reason I assumed this was because I've overheard Lia talk about how Luke is obviously "super into me" during class several times. I usually ignore it, but it's been stuck at the back of my mind for a while now, making me feel a bit guilty for not feeling the same way toward him.
Luckily, this wasn't the case.
As soon as we were upstairs, Luke grabbed me by the shoulders, and I thought, "Oh shit, he's going to try to kiss me", but I was wrong. He had no hesitation and just straight up said, "I think I'm in love with Zander."
We just stared at each other for a few moments before Luke released his grasp on me, and faced the wall, groaning into his palms.
I didn't say anything for about a minute, because I was busy processing this new information. I had suspected that Luke had a thing for my brother, but I'd always just thought of it as another one of my unrealistic, silly headcanons.
We sat at the top of the stairs and had a two-hour-long conversation. He explained how he had felt butterflies in his stomach when he met Zander, but shrugged it off as nerves. How he had slowly come to realize that his affections for my brother were deeper than simple friendship.
It had, apparently, hit him just earlier that afternoon that he wanted to kiss Zander. He explained that I was the only person he felt safe telling because 1. I dislike drama intensely and would never tell, and 2, because I'm bi and would understand.
I told him just before he left that he should probably talk to Jake about it, and mentally slapped myself not even five seconds later. Jake seems to be a good person, and he's stood up for me before, but I don't really know all that much about him. He could be a huge homophobe, or he could secretly be gay. I sincerely hope it's not the ladder though, because that would somehow complicate my situation even more.
Speaking of Jake, my feelings are conflicted. Yeah I know, there may be a small part of me that's attracted to him, but sorting through those feelings gives me a migraine. He's cute in a self-deprecating way that has me wrapped around his finger, and I hate it. Absolutely despise the way he makes me feel. Adam made me feel those feelings too, I'm no stranger to attraction, but with Jake, it's just more intense.
There are so many nights I've lied in my bed, just thinking about when he held my hand in my room, or when he pinned me against that tree, or every time he smiles at me, and it's so embarrassing. honestly, I need to pull myself together. I shouldn't be this attracted to him. But I am, and it's so, so, painful.
He has a girlfriend. He would have already broken up with her if he wasn't into her, and to be honest, I'm so jealous of Lia. She had a comforting, rich childhood filled with handbags, dresses, and fancy, expensive chocolates. She's tall, and pretty, and can afford almost anything she needs. Her grades are good, and she has so many friends, she'll forget their names sometimes. She's popular and wears skirts, dresses, and heels. Her life is what everybody else wishes they had. Myself included.
I'm the opposite of her. My childhood wasn't hell, but it wasn't all that fun either. My mom cheated on my dad when I was four, and she left only a few months later. My dad didn't know how to take care of me, and I was too young to understand what was going on. I'd always ask "Where did mom go?" or "Is she coming back?" and he always told me no. This made me mad. I thought he was the reason she left. I couldn't imagine why she'd abandon me.
Handbags were out of the question. I got new clothes for my birthday and Christmas. My dad's job wasn't the best, and I still resented him. He got a better job and learned how to take care of me. And eventually, the resentment faded.
I'm on the shorter side, and people say I'm pretty, but I can't see how if I'm not wearing make-up. I have to save up for anything I want, and I'm pretty independent. My grades are really good, but that's only because of the ridiculous amount of time I have to put into studying.
I have a few good friends, but nowhere near the amount Lia does. She can afford expensive dresses and skirts, but I usually opt for cheaper clothing like thrifted ripped jeans and T-shirts. I have a few skirts and dresses that I'll wear on special occasions, but I find that it's easier to move around in jeans and I'm always worried that my skirt will fly up while I'm running or something. I do love skirts though. I've had a skort in my Amazon shopping list for the longest time.
This is all beside the point though. What I'm saying is that my feelings for Jake are intense in a way I know will shatter my heart once again. He's dating Lia because he likes her, and I need to get over my minor fixation with him. That's that.
And yet, there still a tiny part of me that hopes that, against all the odds, I'm not the only one that can feel the sparks between us.
However, with my luck, that's not the case.
● ● ●
"Please, please, please go! I'm begging you Hailey, it's gonna be so much fun!"
I roll my eyes, and toss the dice on the table. I roll a three, and move up three spots.
"Stop ignoring me! Why don't you want to go?"
"It's your turn," I say, handing Milly the dice.
She stares at distatefully, and knocks it to the floor.
"Give me an answer," she pleads.
I sigh, and get up to pour myself a drink of water, and Milly follows me, almost tipping her chair over in the process.
"She's right y'know, you should give us a reason for not going,"Sean says, returning the dice back to the monopoly board.
I stand on my tip-toes, grabbing a glass cup from the of the higher shelves, and walk to the fridge to fill it up. I hold it under the tap, and finally reply with, "It just doesn't sound fun. Being locked in an auditorium full of two-hundred other eleventh graders sounds like hell. I'd much rather spend my Saturday night doing...basically anything else."
"But you'll be with us Hailey! You're my best friend!-" Milly says, pausing for a moment to look at Sean. "Correction, you and Sean are my best friends, and I want you both there!"
I sigh again, and massage my temples. "Milly...I just...would really rather not go..."
What I'm not saying, is that because of my PTSD with "Lock-in's" the entire night, all I'll think about will be Adam and Sabrina and all my other shitty fake friends. I'll surely be up until two am stalking Adam's instagram profile, and searching for any evidence that he ever cared about me at all.
The entire night I'll just replay that moment of me and Adam talking in the library, and me having the extereme urge to walk over and kiss him, hard, on the mouth. I'll replay how he dragged me down the dark, empty hallways, holding my hand, and how he smiled at me when I listened to him talk.
And then I'll remember when he kissed Sabrina, and I'll burst into tears.
So yeah, no thanks.
"It will just be you, me, Milly, Luke, and Zander." Sean says, smiling hopefully at me.
"Luke's going with his other friends though..right? Jake, Henry, Liam, Drew, Aaron, Lia, Zoey, y'know, those kind of people." I say, a bit disappointed.
"Nah, he texted me saying he'd rather hang with us." Sean casually says, taking a sip of his Dr. Pepper.
My eyes widen. "Really?" And then I think back to me and Luke's conversation. Of course. He wants to spend time with Zander.
"Yes! So please Hailey! The whole gang is going to be there! I'm begging you, please come with us!" Milly exclaims, falling to her knees in front of me, and shaking my leg.
I drop my eyes to Milly, and smile slightly. I think...I think I might want to go...but...
Suddenly, a thought appears in my head. If I go to this thing, and if I actually somewhat enjoy it, it would be like a slap in the face to Adam. I'll post way too many pictures and add #nostalgia and #7thgrade and a few other hashtags obviously shading him and what he did to me, and it will be like a small form of revenge.
And maybe I'm just petty enough to actually do it, but to take the pictures, I'll have to go.
I swallow, and pull Milly up to me, grasping both her hands in mine.
"Okay...I'll go."