Chapter 56
Published: March 8th, 2023
Draco was stiff and sore as he wheeled around the room restlessly. Harry had always made sure his muscles were relaxed after his exercises, but Harry said that he wanted to leave. Harry was upset, and Draco didn't want him to feel obligated to touch him, even professionally. Instead, he resigned himself to stretching his muscles himself and using the exercises that Harry had shown him. His hands were always the worst, but he could manage.
Eventually, Draco climbed into bed and watched his telly, but he wasn't there, mentally. He could only think of Harry. He had finally said the words... and Harry was hurt. But he couldn't see how he could have done it any other way. They needed space and time. Well, they really didn't... but it was necessary. He hated himself for that... for being trapped in a system that neither of them could control. Rules. Fucking rules. How he longed to just say fuck it. But he owed Harry.
Joel had wanted to wait, but he also had agreed that this needed to be done. He said that Draco had bonded with Harry, latched on to him, due to everything Harry had done for him. The way Joel explained it... Draco never had any positive relationships in his life and had been brutally tortured for a decade. So, naturally, he would grow attached to the first person to show him mercy and compassion. Joel said there's a legitimate reason that healers and patients aren't supposed to be together.
But Draco knew the truth though... that he had always loved Harry. Fucking hell, how could Harry not see it when they linked? Harry was literally the only thing that kept him sane in Azkaban. He was his safe space. His feelings weren't suddenly changed by Harry healing him. Hell, Harry was the only reason he came out of it. Even if Joel or Blaise had been his healers instead of Harry, he wouldn't have recovered... at least that quickly.
Draco tried to explain it to Joel, but he just said, "Draco, if you two start anything... whilst you're here... Harry can be fired and even charged. He probably wouldn't get a conviction, as you are sound of mind, but... imagine what the papers would say?"
Draco knew what the vultures would say and didn't try to argue further. Those bastards had printed every word of Harry's courtroom confession for all to see and then speculated on what had happened to him. Draco didn't want to reopen all those old wounds, nor did he want to cost Harry his job. Harry deserved everything... but all the pieces needed to be put into place. Thus the plan was born. A plan that would hurt Harry... but make it so everything was right. Then he, Draco, could make everything up to Harry.
Draco was shaken out of his musings when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," he said, hoping it was Harry.
"Evening, love," Cass said with a plate. He hadn't gotten dinner yet.
His shoulders dropped. "Hey, Cass."
"Nat said you're getting discharged tomorrow?" she said, probing, as she walked over.
He nodded.
"That seems a bit sudden. No... pomp and ceremony?"
"Ceremony?"
"You haven't said anything about leaving. It's a big step."
"I don't want to leave," he muttered. It was not a celebration.
"Ah. "Of course, love," she said, setting the tray on his lap.
"I also don't eat in bed," he grumbled.
"Tonight, you are. Hand me the remote. Got to see if they saved little Jimmy from the well."
He grimaced but handed her the plastic thing and started picking at his food. Cass changed the channel, and they watched in silence. He was not going to sleep easily tonight. Draco couldn't when he knew that Harry wouldn't sleep earlier. He was surprised that Joel didn't come back, but maybe Harry was distraught.
"Eat," Cass prodded.
He had no desire to eat, but she gave him a look, again. He forced himself to eat a few bites, but eventually shoved it away. Everything tasted like... nothing. Cass took the tray, set it on the table, and then took his hand. She squeezed it gently and didn't probe him for explanations. Then, after an hour, she left to go do rounds.
"Fucking hell," he said to the empty room. He shut the telly off, appreciating the silence. He stared at the wall for an hour or so, when there was a quiet knock.
Joel entered, looking worried. "Draco... I...."
Draco just demanded, "How is he?"
"He's in shock... not that this was coming, but just the idea that you're leaving. You're a fixture in his life. Draco... he doesn't have many healthy coping mechanisms in place. So, I think that you should...."
"Where is he?" Draco cut him off. He needed to know that Harry was safe.
"He's at Ron and Hermione's. I took him there. Ron promised he'd set wards to alert him if Harry left, and Hermione declared that there wasn't any alcohol in the house, alright? We're not... incompetent."
"Sorry... I have to worry...."
"I know. Harry is... I don't think he'll snap or anything," Joel murmured.
"I tried to take it back. Perhaps... I'll try tomorrow."
Joel nodded. "I don't think it'll work. Harry... he knows... he really does know... that you are ready to leave. He wants you to get better, but at the same time, he doesn't want things to change. I've seen it with every step you take, Draco. Harry loves seeing your success, but it just reminds him that you're making strides to leave. And what's more... he doesn't seem to comprehend that you guys can have a relationship outside of this place."
Draco looked at him.
Joel debated internally. "I probably shouldn't say this... but I think that Harry will do anything to avoid change, despite making a few strides... that were really made for him."
"Like?"
"Outing himself to the public? Even the smaller stuff like talking to other people... I was thrust upon him as his trainee. He felt obligated to take care of me. Even quitting drinking wasn't really his decision."
"How can you think that?" Draco said.
"The opportunity presented itself, and he needed to hide how broken he was."
Draco grimaced. "You're reaching. He is making strides... regardless if other people nudged him to get there."
"Yet still, he's not... getting better... with regards to his triggers, depression and social anxiety."
"He has though, Joel. He's talking to you... somewhat. He's leaning on his family and quit drinking."
"And yet... hasn't come close to facing what happened to him."
Draco met Joel's eyes. "I think he has. He just can't talk to you about it... or Ron or Hermione. I think you're right. I mean, about what you said last week. It needs to be me. The quicker we can separate from each other the faster we can... work on it."
Joel gave a bark of a laugh. "I suppose then you'd have to worry about breaking the healer-patient rule."
Draco gave him a little look but smirked. "It'll be a long-time coming before that happens."
Joel grimaced and took in a deep breath like he was bracing himself for something unpleasant. "Listen, Draco. I appreciate how much you've done for me, and I know I wouldn't have... well... everything I have if it weren't for you training me. And maybe after this is over, we can... but... umm... I can't be your mind healer anymore. I can't betray Harry or play the go-between anymore. He needs to trust me, and really... you don't need me. I'm not even sure you ever did."
Draco eyed him. "I did, Joel. Harry was the first person I trusted, and you were the second. I saw your kindness, and it made it easier to open up. You also... well... our sessions were incredibly helpful. You healed plenty of other fucked up shit I went through. Azkaban wasn't the only trauma I had. So, thank you... and I agree. You should stay out of it, now."
"Of course, if you need help...."
"I know you have my back, Joel, just focus on Harry."
After a few minutes of silence, Joel nodded and set a sleeping draught on his table. "I left one for Harry. You don't need to be up all night. It's going to be rough tonight. I didn't leave until Harry drank it... please oblige me."
Draco sighed. "Alright, kid. Thank you." He swigged the potion back and, within a minute, his eyelids closed.
***
Harry woke up to his door banging open, and he looked in time to see Hugo running up to him.
"Unca' Arry! Breakfast!"
He hugged Hugo awkwardly as he jumped on him and cast a tempus. It was later than he had ever slept. Stupid Sleeping Potions. "Okay, I'm up," he grumbled to Hugo, who ran out. Then he got up to use the loo before going to the kitchen. Both Ron and Hermione were there at the table. Weird.
"Morning, Harry!" Hermione said and then told her children to eat their pancakes.
He rolled his eyes that his mates were hyper-alert that he would do anything bad. He didn't appreciate them walking on eggshells. Joel insisted on coming over to make sure that they knew. Over-protective idiots. However, he did appreciate his sleep. Joel was right that he would have never been to go to sleep.
When Hermione dumped some pancakes on his plate and gave him a look, he started eating. He smirked as he knew she definitely considered him one of her kids. He managed to force it down and then got dressed. Hermione offered to go to the hospital with him, but he refused. He didn't need to be babied... that much. After a goodbye, he flooed to the hospital, and Harper was in his office already.
"Harry," he said.
"You heard?" he asked, gruffly.
"Yeah," Harper replied and handed him a cuppa.
"Thanks," Harry said, grateful he would do that for him. "I have paperwork to do... for... Draco. I-umm... will you go check on him?"
Harper raised his eyebrows. "Draco?"
"Yeah... please."
"Of course," he said and left.
Harry pulled out the discharge parchment and started writing care instructions. He had a few pre-printed exercise sheets that he pulled out. Blaise and Neville needed to know what Draco should and should not be doing... and Draco's new healer. Harry closed his eyes and shuddered. He didn't want to lose Draco and didn't trust most other healers to do things right. He couldn't believe Draco got a new healer without even asking him about it.
But Draco had been reluctant to bring it up... probably knowing he'd react so badly. And Draco was right. He couldn't handle this. Harry had to wipe tears away as reality sank in. He was going to be alone, again. He didn't think he could fake it anymore... trying to pretend he was level-headed and not the anxiety-ridden, broken creature he was. Merlin... would this pain ever fucking stop? This fucking roller coaster of a life. It was nothing but one trauma to the next. He didn't know what he did to deserve this life of pain.
He just wanted some happiness... was that too much to ask? Apparently, it was. He pushed Draco anyway... for this job... for rules. That was why Draco was going. That was why they couldn't be together. Some part of him wanted to believe that... Draco was just leaving for that reason. Maybe to... maybe so they could be together, but they didn't even talk about it. But Harry didn't want to believe that anyone would want someone as messed up as he was.
He looked up when there was a knock at the door and Joel came in. "How are you doing, Harry?" Joel asked.
"About as expected," he sulked.
Joel nodded. "Did you sleep?"
"You watched me drink the potion, Joel," he grunted, without even putting ire into it.
"True. I'm sorry. I thought...."
"I know, Joel. There's no point apologizing," Harry sighed, and stared blankly at the papers on his desk.
Joel regarded him. "You're trying not to process what's happening. You have a right to get upset, Harry."
"A right... sure, but at who? You want me to get mad at Draco for wanting to leave? I... I should be happy for him!" Harry said, lowering his head.
"Not mad at him. At the rules... at the people who hurt him and you, for life forcing you into this position. At everything," Joel explained.
Harry considered telling about his thoughts right before he came in, but he decided against it. "What's the point... Joel?" Harry said, his shoulders dropping. He hated feeling this helpless. He was starting to fidget.
Joel was quiet for a long time. "Talking about it... or yelling at me... might make it easier."
Harry looked at him and felt... touched that he would offer. "Thanks, Joel, but you don't deserve that either."
"You need to vent. You were-are hurt by what's going on."
"Gimme a sec to work up to it," Harry said, knowing he wouldn't be able to keep his emotions in check once he let them out.
"Sure. Do you want to..." Joel trailed off. "You're going to have to face Draco, again."
Harry grimaced. "I know. He's probably going stir crazy with worry."
"How long are you going to put him off?" Joel prodded.
"Not much longer. I do need to do his paperwork... and... outpatient instructions. Why... why did he get another healer?" he asked, needing to know if he had done Draco wrong.
Joel looked torn at his words, fidgeting, and then audibly sighed.
Harry's eyes narrowed on him. "You know."
"I do... but..." Joel said, looking decidedly uncomfortable. "Harry... why do you think he would do it?"
Harry just stared back at him, not willing to voice his insecurities.
Joel shook his head. "I... I'm sorry, Harry. I made a wrong move in trying to be both your mind healers... at least at this point, but Draco was my teacher... and he was my first patient."
"I understand," Harry muttered, tightening up as he realized another break was about to happen. "You need to take care of him."
"No, I don't. I've... ended our healer-patient relationship."
Harry looked up. "Joel... no. He needs...."
"You need me. Of course, I'm going to pick you."
Harry felt warmth spread through him and looked away, knowing he was blushing. "Still...."
"No."
Harry nodded and he let go of the tension that was building. "Thank you."
Joel nodded. "But... I'm not letting you get away with not answering me, Harry. Why do you think that Draco would go to another healer? Because... you not answering me the first time... makes me think... that you feel that it's your fault."
Harry swallowed and whispered, "Is it?" He needed to know if he had hurt Draco.
Joel's eyes softened. "No, Harry. Draco needs to leave... to get his independence. You can see how much he relies on you, right?"
Harry sighed and nodded.
"He needs this. He needs some time apart, and maybe you do, too. Just a short time. Let him get his life in order, organize his finances, see the sun from more than just our roof. He's been confined for years... even under his father. Harry... what did you do when the war was over? Did you go out? Shop where you wanted? Spent time with people you wanted? Draco wants that, too."
Harry had tears in his eyes and confessed what was hurting the most. "He doesn't want to see... me."
"He does, Harry. You both should just take a few weeks apart. You've focused on nothing but Draco for three months. Don't you think that you need a breather, too? You put aside your own pain and recovery for him. You never took time to heal from... everyone finding out, for quitting drinking, and Higgs hurting you. You've been running nonstop for months through a lot of heavy shit. I think you need this break, too."
Harry grimaced. Maybe he did. It was easier to ignore his pain when he was dealing with Draco's. "Maybe."
Joel smiled at his admission. "You do, Harry. Just a few weeks... to get your bearings, to see what you truly feel."
Harry looked at him, a little guarded.
"You need to come to terms with... everything. How can you do that with Draco as your patient?"
Harry's gut churned at the idea. "He's leaving for me?"
Joel sighed. "Yes and no. He's leaving for you both."
Harry still felt uneasy. Joel was trying to lead him through this without telling him exactly why Draco was doing this. He's leaving for you both. No, it was for him. He knew it. Draco leaving was just to keep him, Harry, out of trouble. So, he wouldn't lose his healer's license. They knew that he was getting too close to Draco.
Harry was saved anymore from talking with Harper returning, as walked in and said, "Oh... sorry. I'll...."
"It's alright. How is he?"
"Okay. Draco's up and had his potions, but he's worried. He... ummm... Draco said that he doesn't need to leave," Harper said, awkwardly passing on Draco's message.
Harry snorted. Too late to call back his words. "No. Here's his discharge paperwork and potions prescriptions. Will you get that taken care of?"
"Of course, sir-Harry," Harper said, taking it.
"And... will you take his file down to be copied? I don't want it to fall into the wrong hands, but his...new healer might need it."
Harper took that, too. "I'll do it myself."
"Thanks. I... I need to go out and get something. Please tell Draco that he'll be discharged at noon."
Harper gave a nod and left, but Joel looked at him. "Harry, what are you...."
"I want to get a gift for him. He is leaving. It is a huge step for him."
Joel grimaced. "Won't you see him first?"
"No, my nerves can only handle so much," Harry said, flatly, and walked over to the floo, disappearing into the flames.
***
Blaise and Neville came at eleven. Draco was agitated as Harry had yet to make an appearance. He was in his wheelchair and was effectively pacing the room.
"You alright?" Blaise asked from the table. Neville was standing against the wall, looking concerned, too.
"Yeah... this is happening so fast."
"It's your own fault, for waiting so long," Blaise said, pointedly.
Draco grumbled under his breath and looked up as Harper, again, appeared in his doorway. "Okay... here's your discharge notes and your potions prescriptions. You should be able to get any of those at a registered Apocathary. He wants you to continue the Nutrient Potion once a day, the Restorative Draught and Regenerative Potion in the morning and evening. He also listed a standard pain potion to be taken as needed."
Draco grimaced, but Blaise got up and accepted the file and papers for him. "Thank you. I'll make sure that he gets what he needs."
"Is he... not coming?" Draco asked, getting even more worried.
"I... I don't know," Harper stammered. "He just said that you're being discharged at noon. He canceled his other appointments and left the office. I... I don't know what to say."
"Well, I'm not leaving until he comes back," Draco growled.
Harper nodded. "I'm sorry. I-"
But the door opened and Harry finally showed up, but he went straight to Harper. "You got the paperwork done? Thanks, Harper."
Draco tried to meet Harry's eyes, but he was only looking at Harper... and the floor.
"No problem. I'll just... umm... go," Harper started.
"Thank you, but why don't you take Neville to my office and hand him Draco's file?"
Neville took the hint after a nod from Blaise. "I'll wait in Harry's office," he said, walking out with Harper.
As soon as the door shut, Draco whispered, "Harry... I...."
"It's alright, Draco. We have some things to discuss," Harry interrupted and turned to Blaise. "Are you willing to help him with his exercises?"
Blaise, in turn, looked at Draco, who nodded. "Yeah."
"We should go over them. Draco... will you get into bed? It's easier to learn by doing them."
"Okay," Draco said, resigned. His eyes were locked on Harry, when he wheeled over and laid down.
Harry guided Blaise through all the exercises, and he just was pliantly moving. Honestly, he wasn't wholly comfortable with Blaise doing the exercises, but he pushed through it. Blaise seemed a little awkward about it all too, and was unsure of how much resistance to use at first. But Harry went through all the exercises and gave him a parchment on each one. Then he walked Blaise through all the equipment in the room, how to setup, stabilize and use each one. Then Harry shrunk the balance bars, steps, walker and some weights and put them into a bag for Blaise to take.
"Don't let him walk without a walker, and even with that... no more than thirty minutes without a break. Don't let him use Lightening Charms, either. Make him work every day, you understand?" Harry explained, looking at Blaise.
Draco remained silent through the whole thing, getting back into his chair while Harry was dragging it out. He didn't even care that he was giving Blaise instructions on what to do with him. He just wanted Harry to talk to him... look at him.
"I do. I'll keep him moving," Blaise replied. He was trying to put Harry at ease and that everything would be fine.
"He needs his muscles loosened every day, too. Preferably after any strenuous workouts... as well as taking Healing Potions," Harry said, in full healer mode.
"I enlisted a muggle massage therapist to come every night. I can ask her to come earlier, if need be, or take Draco to her shop."
Harry nodded. Draco could see that he was grasping for more instructions. "And the house setup? Is your place arranged safely? Cushioning charms?"
"Yes, at least, the lower floor is. Draco has his own room. The bed is low enough that he can transfer easily enough. I can set up his equipment in there, and there's another office space that he can use. Full kitchen, bath, dining area. I have a house elf on retainer for as long as Draco needs him," Blaise said, reassuringly.
Harry nodded. "And... you're staying there too?"
"Every day, Harry. I will make sure that his every need is handled," Blaise said, softly.
Harry took a deep breath. "Thanks. Let him get used to new people before you leave him alone."
"I will."
"Don't let him fight you on finishing his exercises."
Blaise chuckled a little. "I won't. I got him, Harry. I promise I will take care of him."
Harry met Blaise's eyes and nodded. His eyes were a little misty, but he turned to the door. He stayed there for a minute.
"Maybe I should leave?" Blaise said. "So, you can...."
Neither he nor Harry said anything, and eventually, Blaise just walked by Harry and out the door. As soon as he was gone, Harry started crying.
Draco wheeled closer. "Harry...."
But he didn't turn around. "I'm sorry. I-I really am happy for you, Draco," he said, leveling out his voice.
"I know. It doesn't make this part any less painful, Harry."
Harry wiped his eyes but stayed facing the door. "You should go. It's nearly noon."
"Harry...."
"If your new h-healer has any questions, just tell 'em to owl me" Harry said, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.
"Harry... please don't...."
"I wish you the best, Draco. If you need anything...." Harry rambled on about more instructions without letting him talk. He even adopted a de-attached tone of voice to pretend he was okay.
Draco had had enough. He needed this moment. Harry needed this moment. Fuck the rules. He lifted his footrests and stood up.
"Harry!" he growled, interrupting his monologue.
But Harry stayed staring at the door. Draco wasn't having it and walked over, barely able to keep his balance.
"Damn it, look at me!" he ordered, and Harry slowly turned.
His watery eyes went from pain to shock as Harry realized that Draco was shakily standing in front of him. "You can't walk unassisted, Draco," he chastised, almost reaching for him but stopped. He couldn't hold eye contact.
"I need you, Harry," Draco said, clearly. "I want more than anything in the world to stay here with you."
Harry made to turn back to the door, unable to handle the direct conversation. But Draco lunged forward to grab his arm, and his leg gave out. Harry had to put out his arms to catch him, and Draco grabbed onto his robes to remain upright.
"I told you that you can't walk unassisted!" Harry said, helping him stand up.
"Then look at me!" Draco said, desperately, inches from his face.
Harry had been avoiding his eyes but slowly met them, again. He immediately looked away, dropped his arms and started crying again. "I'm sorry. I'm trying to... trying not to...."
Fucking hell, this was painful. Draco breathed deeply and slowly let go of Harry's robes. He needed to reassure Harry that it was going to be okay. "I know. I'm sorry too, Harry. For everything. Maybe... if we waited a bit longer... but this needs to happen."
"I know," Harry said, crying, and clearly restraining himself from hugging him as his hands kept reaching for him and pulling back.
"Harry... if there was a way to spare you this... I would. I owe you everything," Draco said.
More tears came out of Harry's eyes as he shook his head. "No. You don't," he whimpered.
Draco couldn't keep his own tears at bay. He reached up and cupped Harry's face. "I do. I want... you to be happy. To be free of worry and concern... to not have to restrain yourself. You can't do that if I stay here."
Harry was doing everything he could to maintain his composure, but he was shaking badly, now.
"Harry...."
Suddenly, Harry leaned forward and wrapped his arms around him. He burrowed his face into his chest, and Draco couldn't help but hug him tightly. Harry wept in his arms, still murmuring apologies like there was something wrong about crying. Draco felt his heart ache that Harry couldn't share his pain and needs with anyone... anyone. Harry had locked up his true emotions for years... maybe forever. He was taught to suffer in silence, only marginally looking to his best mates for comfort.
"It's okay, Harry. Everything is going to be okay. Breathe. I got you," Draco whispered, holding his tightly. He prayed to Merlin and Salazar that his legs would hold up.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm so fucked up," Harry whimpered, still shaking badly.
"It's okay, Harry. We're both messed up... in our own way."
Harry shook his head, trying to deny it.
"Harry, if you think that this is easy for me... it isn't. I didn't even like Blaise touching me, and I've known him nearly my whole life."
"Then... why? Why did you get another healer?" Harry said, glancing up into his eyes. That was part that had hurt him. That was what was bothering Harry. Rejection.
A million answers ran through Draco's mind. He could answer it straightforwardly, but that would defeat the purpose of all this. Stick to the plan, he told himself... but maybe... he could help Harry come to the conclusion on his own.
"Come on, Harry. You're smart enough to figure it out. You know me... you've always known what I'm up to. You know why I'm leaving. Why it is necessary."
Harry shrank and lowered his eyes in shame. "I know."
Draco sighed. Harry needed a confidence boost. "Harry," he purred, putting a lot of tenderness into it. "You know how much I owe you. You know... I would never do anything to hurt you. You know why I wouldn't. You've been in my head, damn it. Believe in me, Harry. Believe in... this."
Harry's trembling quieted and he looked at Draco for a long time. Draco held his eyes and almost wished Harry would take the conversation into his head again. He wanted to stay like this, locked together, but his legs ended their eye gaze. He nearly fell, but Harry held him up by his robes. The wheelchair suddenly moved behind him, and Harry carefully lowered him into it. He knelt down in front of him, fixing his footrests, clearly trying to work out what he had said... trying to believe it.
Harry's eyes were still very dubious when he looked up. But they weren't hurt anymore... or he was pretending. "Okay... it's... time to go," Harry said, quietly.
Draco gripped his hand rests, now the one who was outwardly nervous. "Harry?"
He didn't look at him as he stood. "I'll get Blaise."
"Harry?" Draco repeated, needing to ensure Harry, his reason for living, was okay.
But Harry started to the door. Draco wheeled forward and grabbed his hand. Harry stopped and slowly looked at him. The uncertainty was still there in his eyes. Draco turned Harry's palm upward and wrote a very distinctive "V".
"Never doubt it, Harry," Draco said, maintaining eye contact.
Harry blinked and then looked at his hand. He only nodded. After a minute, he pulled out a small, wrapped box that was shrunk from his pocket.
"Here. It's for you... for you... for leaving here. I-umm-Hermione got me one, and it helps me sleep. I thought that it might help you," Harry stammered, still caught up in his role. "I wish you a speedy recovery, Draco."
Draco took it and Harry hugged him tightly, with tears in his eyes. He said goodbye, let go, and then turned and opened the door before Draco could even open it. Blaise met Harry at the door, but Harry just said a brief farewell to them both before leaving. Blaise looked unsure and wheeled him out, met up with Neville and took him to the Apparation point, as Draco wouldn't risk the Floo.
Several people watched them, realizing who he was. Blaise suggested Side-Along Apparation from his chair, but Draco locked the brakes. He stood up and walked the few feet between them, his head high. He sure as hell was going to walk out of here on his own terms. He glared at their assembled audience until they looked away. He was free... no one would hurt him like that again. His wand was in his palm.
"Ready?" Blaise asked, as Neville grabbed his chair.
Draco merely nodded and took Blaise's hand, and he took him to his new lodgings.