I tried my best to stay as quiet as I could as I quickly made my way upstairs and into my room, throwing myself onto my bed and tightly burying my face into my pillow. I didn't want them to hear my heartbroken cries, not wanting to have to explain it to anyone.
I knew that I had no right to feel like this. I had broken up with him. I had moved on. Or so I thought. I had accepted that we didn't work, so why was it that seeing him with someone new so quickly made me absolutely sick to my core; worse than I had ever felt seeing Josh with Katie.
Was it because of how he promised me that I was different? Because if I really was, would he have been able to move on that fast? As hard as I tried, I just couldn't shake the thought of her clinging onto him, staring at him the way I had once stared at him while he simply existed like there were so many other things that much more deserving of his time than the woman on his arm willing to give him anything.
This wasn't fair.
Josh and I had just had the perfect night. Everything was finally starting to feel right again. I knew how I felt about him, it wasn't about that. But the fact that the second I laid eyes on Jake again it was like my entire life was turned upside down. I couldn't go through life like this, unable to even look at him if I was going to be with his brother again.
I turned over, facing my other window, hating the fact that I now knew it had a view right into his bedroom, and if I were to look over, there was a chance I would see her in there with him already. It was just proof that none of that actually mattered to him. I was just a number, just like the rest of them. And that's what hurt the most.
Being stupid enough to think that I actually was different. That I was special.
And then the sadness slowly turned to anger as I began to calm down, regaining control of my frantic breaths, my eyes stinging from the tears that now covered my pillow case. How could he do this to me? After everything we had been through. Sure, Josh and I were starting to see each other again, but we did what we could to not rub it in his face. It was like he wanted me to see. Like it didn't even matter. Like none of us mattered.
Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore, having to keep everything bottled up inside was going to make me explode. I reached over, grabbing my phone, quickly typing and pressing send before I could change my mind and placed it back on my end table, rolling over.
Jaime: real nice.
I didn't have to wait long before I heard my phone start to vibrate. I rolled back over to see Jake's photo on my screen. He was calling me? I hesitated for a moment, feeling sick to my stomach at just the sight of him, trying my hardest not to cry again. I finally forced myself to answer.
"What?" I snapped.
"What do you mean 'real nice?'" He said angrily. I felt my face get hot with rage. How dare he act like he has any reason to be angry.
"Oh, don't play dumb, you know what I mean."
"What? You mean Jasmine?" He asked. My stomach dropped. Jasmine. Of course her name would be something like Jasmine.
"I don't give a shit what her name is, Jake." I shouted, now sure that they could hear me down the hall. But I didn't care anymore. I'd handle it in the morning.
"How do you even know about her?" He asked.
"Because I saw you two!"
"So.. what? You're mad that I'm with someone after you broke up with me?" I sighed.
That wasn't the point and he knew that.
"You know what, whatever, Jake. I shouldn't have even answered."
"No!" He yelled. "What is the problem, Jaime!?"
"The problem is I was never any different than the rest of them, was I?! I was just someone else to cross off your list. And congrats, after all this time, it finally worked. Hope it was all worth it."
"Jaime, you know that's not true." He said, his voice getting quieter, but angrier. I hated hearing him like this. Never did I ever think that we would become like this towards each other.
"Whatever. I don't even care anymore. You can do whatever you want." I sighed, feeling more tears come to my eyes, wanting nothing more than to shake this unbearable sinking feeling in my stomach.
"So.. you get to leave me for my brother, and I have to be heartbroken all alone? Is that what you're saying? How is that fair, Jaime?"
"It's not, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, after you said that I wasn't like all the rest and yet you're just able to move on immediately, just like you always do."
"Who the fuck ever said that I moved on!? Jaime, do you understand how hard it is for me to even look at you? And on top of that, you want me to just.. suffer alone? While you get to run around with him?" I bit down on my lip, trying my best to calm down before I started crying again.
"I wasn't running around with him. If anything we tried to hide it from you to not hurt your feelings. Nice to see I don't get the same treatment. Why is it so impossible for you to just be alone, Jake? Why do you always have to have someone?"
"Because! I just can't, Jaime!" He yelled. My heart dropped. "It hurts! And the only thing that could be worse than feeling like this, is feeling like this alone! So the least I can do is try to distract myself from this!"
Part of me wondered where he went. There was no way everyone wouldn't have heard him if he was still inside. Even outside, I wouldn't be shocked if his screaming echoed throughout the entire neighborhood.
"You know what, I'm not doing this." He sighed. "If you want to talk about this, I can meet you outside. But I'm not doing this over the phone." And then he hung up. I tossed my phone away, angrily turning over, hiding my face in my pillow as my tears turned to sobs again.
And then soon enough, I smelt the faint scent of cigarette smoke drifting in through my open window. He was right outside. My heart started beating faster, wanting nothing more than to go out and see him, but not like this. Not after all of that. Not looking like this.
What I really wanted was for Josh to be here, but there was no way I could cry to him when he knew why I was crying. It would just make everything worse. Why did this all have to be so complicated? Everything could have been different if he just hadn't kissed me that night. We could have gone the rest of our lives, keeping these feelings a secret, but instead we were now screaming at each other over both the of us being with someone else.
Finally, I wiped my face as best as I could, pushing my blankets off of me and quickly made my way downstairs and out my back door to see him in his backyard, leaning up against their picnic table, flicking his cigarette off to the side, and taking a long drag before looking over at me. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest as I hastily made my way across the yard, trying my best to stay out of the line of view of their house, reciting in my head, over and over what I was going to say to him.
But when I finally reached him, he swiftly flicked his cigarette onto the ground, stomping it out before he tightly grabbed my hand and started pulling me out into the field.
"W-what are you doing?" I snapped, but followed closely, holding on tight to him. He sighed, peeking back at me for a second with an angry scowl painted across his face.
"We're gonna talk."