We spent the rest of the morning cuddled together in his bed as he told me about what I had missed on the tour. Sharing laughs and sympathetic smiles as he went on about how lonely it can feel in a crowded room, knowing that not a single one of those people truly knows you, how isolating it is to be sharing songs that came from the deepest parts of your heart to complete strangers, praying they even give it a chance.
I don't know how anyone could confidently get into this business without getting their feelings hurt, and to just keep going, rejection after rejection, hoping one day, someone will love you.
"But are you glad you did it?" I asked, cuddling closer, draping one leg over his as I leaned my head on his shoulder. He nodded, leaning his head against mine.
"Of course, it means the world to Jake so.. if I can help in anyway.."
"Yeah, but they're your songs too. And I can't imagine it could be easy." I heard him sigh, shrugging his shoulders.
"Well, they really seemed to like the songs I wrote for you." He said softly. I couldn't help but smile, feeling my cheeks burn.
"Which ones?" I asked, peeking up at him. He bit down on his lip, trying to contain his embarrassed smile.
"The good ones." He laughed.
"Well, to me that's all of them."
"I think you're a little biased, Jaime."
Little by little I was learning how different Jake and Josh were from each other when it came to things like this. Jake was very physical, always wanting to be touching in one way or another, no matter what we were doing, or what we talked about. He clung to affection; the reassurance of a kiss or two.
But with Josh, the closer he got, the easier it was for him to open up. He loved quality time and conversation. He was interested in what you thought and how you felt, and anything that lead to even the slightest touch was merely an added bonus.
And I loved that about him. Maybe that was something I needed more of. I got so caught up in the things we were missing, that I completely overlooked everything we've had all along.
"So, here's what I was thinking." He finally said, putting down his empty cup on his end table before turning to face me. "I'm gonna go hop in the shower and get ready. If you wanted to head back home for a bit to get ready and check on your mom, I can meet you out front and then we can go."
"Okay." I nodded, flashing him a wide grin as I leaned into a gentle kiss, reaching up, tenderly caressing his face, pulling him in closer. I could feel his lips curling into a smile as he kissed me back, his hand slowly moving up my leg before he moved away.
"Okay." He sighed, his cheeks now flushed pink. "I'll meet you out front."
As he went into the bathroom, I made my way downstairs noticing that it had gotten quiet again, hoping that meant that I would be in the clear. But I was wrong.
"Well, good morning." I heard from behind me. My stomach dropped as I turned around to see Jake leaning up against the counter, no doubt who had just woken up with his eyes tired and his hair still a mess. Even still he was so cute.
"Good morning." I said, as casually as I could manage. "How'd you sleep?" He shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee before going over to the counter and sitting down across from me.
"Much better than sleeping in a van." He said. "It would've been nicer if you stayed, but.. by the looks of it, you did." My face felt like it was on fire.
"I did." I said, holding my stare on him.
I didn't want to hide anything anymore.
"How long are you gonna do this, Jaime?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean.. it didn't work out the first time. What makes you think it's going to work with him now? There's a reason you wanted me. And.. maybe you're just trying to get back at me, for whatever reason, and.. congrats, it's working. But-"
"Jake, I'm not doing anything to get back at you. I love him."
"Today."
"What?"
"You love him today." I shook my head, going over and putting my cup into the sink before making my way towards their front door. I instantly heard him get up, quickly following behind me.
"Jaime, wait.."
"We don't have anything to talk about, Jake. I'm going home."
"Jaime, please can we talk about this." He pleaded, moving in front of me to block to door. I stopped, staring up at him, feeling my heart beat faster as he stared back at me. I quickly looked away, knowing what happened when I stared into those eyes for too long.
"Fine. Talk." I muttered. He sighed, reaching up and gently turning my face to look at him again. My heart jumped as his hand slowly moved down, carefully caressing my neck. Every time he touched me like that I couldn't help but think back on the times we had been together, the feeling of his hands on me like that, exploring every inch of me in ways only he seemed to be capable of.
"I'm sorry for who I became when I was away, and I'm sorry I ever took it out on you. I was.. frustrated and scared and.. everything was just too much, and I felt like I was failing everyone who had ever believed in me, and that wasn't your fault. You're one of the only ones who's ever truly been there for me, and I'm sorry I didn't treat you like it. I just want to go back to how we were this Summer. I couldn't believe how easy it was for us, everything just.. worked so perfectly. And we were happy. I don't think I've.. ever been that happy, in my entire life, and I just.. I can't let it go. I know that life is gonna get hard and we're gonna have to work through things together, but you're the only one I would ever want to work through things with. I'm learning how to be better for you and all I'm asking for is another chance to show you. And maybe I don't deserve it, but.. I can only hope that you haven't given up on us just like that. There has to be.. something left, right? You said you loved me."
I held my stare on him, trying my hardest to contain the tears that I knew were inevitable. I don't understand how after everything, he still managed to get me to second guess myself.
"I do love you." I whispered.
He had no idea just how much I loved him.
But being with him felt like being lost out at sea; he was crashing waves and the darkest depths, mystical blue as far as the eye can see. He was throwing caution to the wind without any regard to when you'd ever see land again.
But Josh was a warm and inviting shore. He was sand between your toes, enjoying the view from afar without any risk of drowning in its ravenous under-toe. He was the ultimate calm; he was safety.
It was just a matter of what kind of love I wanted to wake up to every morning. We all craved adventure, but we all wanted to know that our floorboards wouldn't be torn to shreds the first sight of a storm.
The ocean was larger than life; unpredictable and yet one of the most beautiful things in the entire world. But everyone knows what happens when you try to tame the beast; you end up dragged to the bottom, never to be seen again. And I couldn't handle being another one of his failed conquests that lurks where the sun could never touch.
"And I love you, Jaime. So.. why can't that be enough?"
"Can we.. can we talk about this.. some other time?" I asked, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. "I just.. my mom, and-"
"Right, right.." He sighed. "Um.. y-yeah. Whenever you want."
"Okay.." I muttered, hesitating for a moment before leaning in, quickly kissing him on the cheek and heading out the front door.