When I opened my eyes, the room was still dark, nothing but my laptop on Josh's lap illuminating his face as he scrolled through, his eyes focused, his fingers pressed up against his lips the way they always did when he was deep in thought. I took a second to just watch him before he realized I was awake, loving the idea of waking up to him every morning.
But then as I sat up, I caught a quick whiff of coffee in the air. Looking over I saw he had made a cup for me, leaving it out on my end table as he sipped his with a satisfied smile.
"Good morning." He said, finally peeking over at me.
"What time is it?" I asked, reaching over for my cup, taking a sip. It was still scorching, and made just how I liked it. He hadn't been up for long.
"About 6:30.." He groaned. I knew he was still exhausted, we had barely slept for a few hours, but he needed all the time he could get to make sure he was back in time for their show tonight.
"What are you doing?" I asked, cuddling closer, leaning my head on his shoulder. He leaned is head on top of mine, continuing to scroll through the airline website.
"Just booking my ticket." He said. "So.. it's good that you're up, because.. I kinda need to know if I'm getting one for you too." I leaned over, gently kissing his cheek before climbing out of bed, grabbing my phone from my dresser.
"I'll call her and see how everything is doing, okay?" He nodded, flashing me a tired smile before taking another sip of his coffee. I turned on my phone and quickly made my way down the hall, down stairs and out onto my back steps.
There was something so hauntingly beautiful about the darkness of the morning, just before sunrise, the ground still damp from the night before, the chill in the air that managed to creep its way into your bones.
I had spent countless mornings waking up early just for a chance at a glimpse of them making their way down their dirt path in order to make it up to the lake for sunrise, just hoping, praying that one day they'd invite me along.
And now here I was.
Soon enough, my phone began exploding with messages, the first being a missed call and a voicemail from my aunt. It was so funny how much she resisted texting, but sometimes it was just nicer to hear someone's voice for once.
Hi Jaime, it's me. So she's checked into a room, and she's all good. A little tired but it's to be expected. Don't worry, I told her that you and Josh were here. She seemed happy to hear about him, see I told you she liked him. Anyway. She's doing just fine, and I'm here with her. Hopefully you guys.. got enough sleep, and she said she insists you go back with him if that's what you want to do. She'll be okay here with me so don't worry about that. She says she'll have her phone on if you want to call her later and you guys can talk. Alright, feel free to call me when you get this, otherwise, I'm going to assume that you booked your flight. Okay, talk to you later.
It felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, but every time this happened I just couldn't help but wonder when one of these days, our luck was going to run out. I was just relieved that I didn't have to spend the night alone. I knew I wouldn't have slept at all.
And then the texts from Jake started flooding in.
Jake: hey, you're probably sleeping, but I'm so sorry for how that all went down. I don't want to fight with you. I never want to fight with you. You were right and I'm sorry. I don't want that to be what we are, I want to be better than that. I'm sorry I'm quick to snap sometimes, I've just never felt this much for someone before and I'm terrified to lose it. Please don't give up on me. I love you <3
Jake: I'm gonna keep working on it. I promise. We can work on everything together. All I want is to grow with you, Jaime. I want everything with you, and I know things might not be perfect but they're close to it, and I think that one day they can be.
Jake: I'm still learning what it means to love you, just like you're learning what it means to love me, even though, it feels like you already know, and I'm just playing catch-up, which I will. I'll do whatever it takes, Jaime. I can't lose you. Not after having wanted this my entire life.
Jake: I'm sorry for all of the texts but it's just easier for me to write my feelings to you. I'm sorry it's so hard for me to talk about them, I just get caught up and I get nervous and I just need a minute to articulate it. Please be patient with me. I promise it'll be worth it. I love you <3
A then few hours went by before the next wave of texts from him. I'm sure he was panicking that I hadn't answered. I was starting to feel guilty for having turned off my phone. I'm sure he hadn't slept at all.
Jake: I swear I'm not gonna fuck this up, Jaime. Not this time. Not with you. If you need me to put you first, before the band, then okay. I'll do it. I just know that I couldn't handle the idea of losing you. I'm so sorry I didn't come with Josh, but after thinking about it, I think it was for the best that only one of us was there, but it should have been me. And I know that. And I'm sorry. I want you to trust that I will always be there for you, and I know in order to do that, I have to be there. And I will be. From here on out. I promise I will be
Jake: our song came on the radio just now so I'm thinking of you, just wishing you were here. Everyone's asleep so I got that moment to myself, just remembering how you looked in your dress, and how that night with you was probably one of the best nights of my life. I just need to see you again. I miss you.
Jake: Okay. I'll let you sleep now. Please call when you wake up tomorrow. I need to hear your voice so I know everything is okay. I love you so much <3
I read them over and over until I started to feel sick. How could he manage to make me second guess everything I had felt so confidently about last night? How was it so easy for him to suck me right back in like this?
Finally I forced myself to press call.
He answered immediately.
"Hey.." He whispered. It must've been his turn to drive. Part of me wished I was there with him, getting to sit in the front seat with him alone, finally.
"Hey. Is everyone still asleep?
"Yeah." He giggled. "How could you tell?"
"Cause you're never this quiet." I said, a smile escaping my lips.
"Yeah, I guess not." He sighed. "So.. how did you sleep?"
"It was nice being in a normal bed again."
"Your bed?" He asked. My stomach dropped. I knew what he was implying.
"Yes, my bed, Jake." He was quiet for a bit.
"Can we talk about this?" He asked, his voice now more serious.
"I think.. before we talk about anything.. I should tell you something first." He was quiet again.
"What is it?"
"I kissed him." I said softly, not wanting anyone else on the bus to hear.
His silence was so painful.
I could only imagine just how fast his mind was racing.
"Is that all you did?" He finally asked.
"Yes."
"Are you being honest with me?"
"Yes."
"Because.. if anything else happened.. I'm giving you the chance to tell me now."
"I promise, nothing else happened." I heard him sigh.
"Okay." He finally said. "Thank you for telling me."
"I'm sorry."
We sat in silence again for what felt like an eternity, but even still, just feeling his presence was enough.
"Did you do it to spite me?" He asked. My heart dropped.
"No." I said, now wondering which answer was worse.
"You promise nothing else happened?"
"I promise."
"Did you want it to?" I stopped, now feeling my body go hold.
"I could never do that to you."
"If I wasn't in the picture.. would you have slept with him?"
"Jake-"
"Just answer the question."
"I don't know. But you are. So I couldn't. I wouldn't. Because I do love you. And I'm sorry. And.. I don't want you to put me before the band, that's not fair of me to ask of you either. This has always been your dream and I'm sorry I've ever made you feel guilty of that. I love you and I support you and.. I'm sorry. And you're right, I did want you here, and it hurts that you weren't but.. we can work on that too. If that's.. still something that we want."
"I want." He said, now giggling to himself. I couldn't help but smile, always thankful when he knew how to break the tension.
"You're coming back to me, right?" He asked, now hearing the smile in his voice again.
"Yes, I'm coming back. I need to see you be the rockstar that I know you are." I laughed, my heart jumping at the sound of is laughter.
"You're very kind, Jaime."
"I'll see you in a few hours."
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too."
And then I hung up, suddenly feeling empty again. This wasn't fair to either of them. And that's what made this so hard. I loved them both, so deeply, so differently, and the idea of losing either of them was too much to handle. But I couldn't keep stringing them along like this.
Last night was a one time thing. I couldn't hurt him, and I couldn't lose him, at least not as a friend. Because Josh and I.. we could always be friends. Best friends. Or so I hoped. We always had been. But I knew if things ever went bad with Jake.. that would be it. We were just.. in too deep. There was no going back, and that was a side of him I never wanted to meet.
I read through his texts one more time, assuring myself that I was making the right decision.
Jaime: <3
Jake: <33
Jaime: focus on the road lol
Jake: it's hard when i miss you this much.
Jaime: <333
Jake: <3333333 (I can do this all day, don't test me)
I shook my head, trying to hide my giddy grin as I slid my phone back into my pocket, making my way back upstairs.