When I opened the door, I couldn't help but smile seeing Josh snuggled up under the covers, already asleep, having turned off all of the lights except for the dull lamp on my end table, leaving just enough light for me to be able to make it into bed.
I was glad he knew he was more than welcome to share my bed with me.
I stood back, leaning against my door for a moment, just admiring him. How peaceful he was, finally getting to sleep in a real bed again, how right it looked, seeing him in mine, and now all I wanted was to wrap myself up in him.
The longer I stared, soon enough I felt tears come to my eyes, knowing that Josh would never talk to me the way Jake had just did. Jake had made his decision, and he chose to stay behind when he knew that Josh was coming here to see me. If it was important enough to him, he would've came too.
And he didn't.
But Josh did.
And right now, that was all that mattered to me.
He had always been the most gentle, sweetest, loving boy I had ever known, and I couldn't believe I could be so stupid, to not fully see that when I had it. But now I was in too deep with Jake, and it wasn't as simple as just walking away. I did love him, and I knew that losing him would hurt just the same.
But I couldn't live every day wondering if we were going to have another fight like that. What if one day we had a family? Would he pick the band over that too? Could I blame him? It wouldn't be fair of me to try and pull him away from his actual first love, when this whole time, I had always been Josh's.
There was no need to compromise when it came to us.
We just worked perfectly together.
We all want that excitement that comes from someone who gives us butterflies, but what if the butterflies aren't good at all? What if they're a warning? What if what we should be searching for isn't "excitement" at all, but the one who makes us feel.. at peace. With them, and with ourselves.
And now my sense of peace was finally fast asleep in my bed, hopefully feeling just as peaceful himself.
I quietly got changed, careful not to wake up him with the opening and closing of drawers, and then carefully lifted up the covers, crawling into bed next to him. I placed my leg over his, reaching around for his hand and then cuddled under his arm. I felt my heart jump as he instantly pulled me up against him. He was so warm, his body heat radiating through his clothes; he truly was my own personal sun.
"Josh.." I whispered, nuzzling my face into his chest. I felt him move, now forcing his eyes open, giving me a tired smile.
"Hi.." He sighed, reaching over, gently running his fingers through my hair.
I wish he didn't have to go back. What I would give just to lay with him here forever, in our own little world, just like when we were little. When it truly was just the two of us against the world, everyday, dreaming of when we would finally be more than this, and then we were, but I ruined everything. I was so lucky. How many girls could say that their true "firsts" were with the boy that they loved more than anything? The one that showed them what true love actually meant, completely and unconditionally.
I quickly hid my face back into his chest, feeling tears come to my eyes. He could tell, but he didn't say anything. He pulled me closer, slowly moving his hand up the back of my shirt, his fingers gently gliding up and down my spine.
"I'm so sorry." I finally managed, trying my hardest to control my inconsistent breaths. He finally stopped, sitting up to face me.
"Why are you sorry?" He asked. I could tell he was so tired. I felt bad for keeping him up any longer than he had to be. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just enjoyed the night together just as it was.
"For ruining us." I cried. He gave me a soft smile, now reaching over and gently caressing my cheek, his eyes moving from mine down to my lips.
"This doesn't feel ruined to me." He said, wiping my eyes and pulling me in, gently kissing my forehead. I couldn't believe, even still, he could manage to make me smile at a time like this.
"Josh, I'm.. I'm so sorry. It should've always been us. I'm so sorry I made everything so complicated. It.. it should have always been so simple. We were so lucky, and I-"
"It's okay, Jaime." He said, pulling me into a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tighter, hiding my face in his neck.
What a beautiful life it would be to be comforted like this every time I needed it. People spend their entire life searching for the one person who knew them better than anyone, who could hold them and take all of their broken pieces and effortlessly glue them back together, and to think, mine had lived right next door this entire time.
Finally I moved away, staring back at him as I reached up, gently holding his face in my hands. He stared back at me with those eyes I loved so much, those eyes that have stared back at me for years like I was the only girl in the world, those eyes that have gazed upon so many beautiful things in this lifetime and would still say that none have ever compared to the eyes that were now staring back at him. Those eyes that I wanted to start every morning with, and end every night with, and share every loving and playful gaze, during every minute in-between. Those eyes that we could one day share with our children, and those eyes I'd want to look into before I closed mine for the very last time.
"I love you, Josh." I sighed, a smile finally escaping my lips, like even the taste of his name on my tongue was enough to make me beam from ear to ear. Like happiness was no longer just a concept, it was just him.
"I love you, Jaime." He said, smiling back at me as his hand slowly moved onto my leg, making my heart beat faster.
"You have no idea how much it means to me that you're here." I whispered, leaning in closer.
"Of course I do. That's why I had to be here."
"Because.. if anything would have happened-"
"I know." He said, quickly cutting me off, knowing it was better if we just didn't talk about it. I bit down on my lip, moving in closer to him, feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest.
"Josh, I.. I wanted to come up here and.. I just.. I wanted to kiss you.. the way you deserve to be kissed, and I wanted to make love to you the way that I know we could.. if we.. just took our time, but I.. I can't. Not with Jake and I.. and we still.. I just need you to know, how badly I want to.. but I can't because.. I love him and I'm so sorry that I love him but I can't help it-"
"Jaime, it's okay." He whispered, pulling me in, tightly wrapping his arms around me. I suddenly felt better, calmer, as his fingers made their way into my hair, gently tangling their way within.
"As badly as I want that too.. that's not why I came here. I know you're with him, and.. I know you love him and.. I don't want to hurt him either. And.. I can't be like that.. not if you're with him, because if we were ever like that again.. I couldn't live with that, I.. I couldn't handle waking up and.. you not being mine. And if it can't be me.. then I'm happy he has someone like you to love him, because I know how amazing it is to be loved by you. He's never had this before, Jaime. And.. he deserves it too."
Even at a time like this, he could be so selfless, which only made it that much more clear, that he deserved love more than any of us.
"But.. I just.. I need to do something.. just once." I said, leaning in. His eyes got wide as they moved down to my lips, his cheeks burning red, his grip on my leg getting tighter.
"O-okay." He sighed, leaning in closer.
"And.. if you don't want me to, you can stop me, but-"
"I won't stop you." He whispered, smirking back at me as he reached up, gently holding my face in his hands.
"J-just once.. and that's it." I said. He nodded.
And then I kissed him, instantly realizing that the quick taste of him would never be enough. Suddenly, he was everything, kissing me back harder, deeper, with a fervent urgent hunger I've never felt before, and never realized just how deeply I craved it until I was smothered in him, clinging to him like we were the only stable thing in an otherwise swaying world. He effortlessly stole my breath, showing me that every kiss prior was merely preparing me for what it truly felt like to kiss the one your soul had been longing for your entire life.
I finally forced myself away, leaning my forehead against his, knowing that if I had pushed it any further, I wouldn't have been able to stop. He was quiet for a moment, holding his stare on me, his flushed cheeks such an adorable shade of pink to match his lips who were practically begging to meet mine again. Trying his hardest to hide his breathless state, he pulled me back into another gentle kiss, his lips just barely grazing mine before moving away once more.
"You should sleep." I finally said, now pulling him back down next to me. He cuddled close, wrapping his arm around me as I lied my head on his chest, hearing his rapid heartbeat pounding in my ear.
"You really think I'm gonna be able to sleep now?" He giggled, running his hand through my hair. I wrapped my arm around his stomach, cuddling closer to him as his fingers gently massaged the top of my head. I felt like I could melt into him completely.
"Me either." I finally sighed, peeking up at him. He smiled back at me, trying his hardest to keep his tired eyes open for as long as he could.
How beautiful to resist sleep so badly, just knowing that even our wildest dreams could never be anywhere as wonderful as real life with each other.
"I love you, Jaime." I heard as his grip on me got looser, his voice fading into a slurred, tired whisper.
"I love you, Josh." I managed before finally drifting off to sleep.