- EDEN -
I haven’t found the right moment to talk break things off with Austin.
Every time I’ve said I wanted to chat about something, he’s had something he needs to run off and do, gifts me with something that I felt guilty for accepting knowing I wanted to end our relationship so couldn’t follow through with it, or he’s distracted me through sex.
That last one is what happened this evening. I had fully intended on breaking things off, but as soon as I said, “I’ve been thinking…” he interrupted me saying he had been too… thinking about wanting to fuck me, and starting sliding his hands up my skirt to play with my clitoris, and pooof! No conversation remaining in my brain.
It would help if he wasn’t as good at sex as he is. I’m finding it’s a hard thing to pass up, especially after having such a dull time sex-wise with Trey over the last, say, four years of our relationship at least. We didn’t even bother moving from my couch to my bed, and so here I am, laying around in my underwear with a guy I do sincerely care about but don’t want a relationship with any longer on my couch, laughing together at a bunch of funny videos on the internet.
"As if you haven't seen that video! Have you been living under a rock or something? It's gone viral like twenty times over by now," Austin joked, though seriously bewildered that I didn't know the video he's been talking about. Something about a yodelling child in a grocery store. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped the screen until he had found the video he was searching for on YouTube, and passed me his phone. "Here, watch this while I go piss."
"You're disgusting," I laughed, swatting his ass as he got up off the couch, pulled his t-shirt over his head and walked in the direction of my bathroom.
I pressed play on the video and was forty-three seconds in when Austin returned and lay himself down to watch alongside me, and his phone vibrated with an incoming text message and the notification flashed at the top of the screen.
Nikki: You feel like hooking up again tonight? I’ve missed you this week.
Excuse me?
What the actual fuck?
Nikki, as in his friend Nikki who I’ve met a couple times when we’ve gone to dinner together?
Why the hell is she talking to my boyfriend about hooking up?
He didn't even try to hide it and swipe the notification away before I had a chance to read it, almost as if he didn't care that I, his girlfriend for now at least, just saw a sexually charged message from another person, insinuating that this is something that has happened before, and perhaps recently.
Girl, power to you for being so determined and forward in your proposition, but I'm not quite sure why you think this is appropriate to offer my boyfriend. She knows we’re together.
“What was that?” I asked, pushing him away from me and sitting upright.
“Oh, that was just Nikki,” he said dismissively, again, as if he didn’t care at all that I may have potentially just caught him out cheating. “I caught up with her last week, remember? After your birthday?”
Okay, I do vaguely remember this. I was tired, annoyed and in a rush at the time, but I swear he said she was a friend and that they were getting lunch. “I remember you saying you were going to have a meal with a friend. But what does she mean by ‘hooking up, again, tonight’?”
“Well, I mean, it means exactly that. We hook up occasionally. But she’s honestly just a friend,” Austin said nonchalantly.
I think I may be losing my mind. I think I just heard him say he has regular, no-strings sex with a friend of his every now and then.
“Like, before we got together?” I asked, needing clarity before I completely lose it.
“Yeah, I’ve known her for a while,” he said noncommittally, perhaps not recognising my obvious distress at all this, which he’d have to be blind or clueless not to be picking up on right now.
“So, you didn’t have sex with her last week when you got lunch?”
“Oh, no, we did. Like I said, it’s just a casual thing between friends.”
Yep, I’ve definitely lost it.
“What the fuck, Austin?! Are you being serious right now?”
He held his hands up to me in surrender, now perhaps realising how not okay I am with this. “Woah! What’s the big deal, Eden? You can’t get mad at me for this,” he said flatly, dead serious. The nerve of this guy. “It was in my dating profile when we first matched that I was non-monogamous. Not even just open to it, but that I already was.”
“Well, admittedly I don’t remember that. I haven’t looked at the app since I deleted it after we had been out a few times and you said you wanted this to be a committed, long-term thing. And I’m fairly sure I’d have remembered if we had ever spoken about it. Which we didn’t because it would have been a hard pass from me.”
“Man, I thought you just, like, assumed that I would be seeing other people and that you were okay with it? You never said anything about not being okay with it. How was I supposed to know?”
I’m beyond comprehension of whatever brand of ‘logic’ he is claiming to be using right now. “Uh, I don’t know. Actually talking to me about it even once? Was every instance you'd said you were going to catch up with a friend really just code for you going and sleeping with a bunch of other people?!"
I've always known that Austin was highly sociable. I feel like every time he's not been with me or at work over the last few months we've been dating, he's been 'hanging out' with one friend or another, and now I can't get the thought out of my head that he's just been sleeping with every single one of them.
“You know what? I can tell you’re upset.” Well, no shit, Sherlock. He got up off the couch and reached for his jeans, pulling them on quickly. “So I think I should just head home.”
“Ausin, no!” I said, my whole body shaking furiously. “You cannot leave right now after just dropping this massive fucking bomb on me. How is that fair?”
He zipped up his jeans and slipped his feet into his boots. "Eden, I’m not just going to sit around and have you tear me apart for something that you should have known was either already happening or was going to at some point. It just feels like you’re gaslighting me.”
What!? “Austin, I don't even know what that means."
"You're turning me into a villain when I haven't done anything other than be the same person I presented myself as when we met. I don't think it's fair that you're mad about that. I was open about this from the beginning.”
“Were you though? Because up until about five minutes ago, I knew nothing about you fucking other people!”
He shook his head, like I was the one in the wrong. Maybe I’m missing something here? Maybe I’ve been so stressed that I’ve somehow forgotten a conversation, or even just a mention, of non-monogamy in the context of our relationship. It's possible, right?
“I’m happy to chat to you about this when you’ve calmed down, alright?" Austin said so patronisingly I had an intense urge to slap him across his handsome face. "But I’m not going to stick around waiting for that because you clearly need time to process all this. So, let me know when you’re ready, okay?”
Why is he turning this on me like it’s my fault I’m mad he’s been cheating on me. I am so fucking confused now. Even more so when he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and said bye before exiting through my front door, leaving me in nothing but one of dad’s old Sabbath shirts and my underwear, seething on my couch trying to wrap my head around whatever the fuck just happened between us.
I must have remained there, staring into space trying to trace my way back through my memory to piece it all together, for so long that Hades climbed up onto the couch and was pawing at my thigh trying to drag my attention away from the clusterfucky hole that my brain is in right now.
“What the hell just happened, Hades?” I asked him, patting his head absentmindedly. “Serious, boy, what in all your dark Underworld just happened?” He just stared at me, unable to make any more sense of it than I could.
I reached for my phone on the coffee table and looked up the definition of gaslighting, needing to understand what it is that he thinks I'm doing to him.
Gaslighting: loosely defined as manipulating someone so as to make them question their own reality.
Well, I guess there’s a fine line between being highly charismatic in a ‘committed’ relationship, and being a fucking gaslighting, sex-addicted narcissist.
- - -
A few days later, I still hadn’t heard anything from Austin.
I texted him a couple times the day after whatever I should call our ‘argument’, but when I didn't get a reply to the third requesting he call me and explain what happened, I used my wounded pride to fuel me against sending another. I don't want to be one of those women desperately chasing after a guy. Especially a guy I was already determined to end things with, which means I haven’t quite been able to reconcile why I’m both upset and angry about this when it seems it’s given me the out I wanted after all.
But surely I’m also within my rights to insist that my wants and needs are being met too, which at this moment are telling me that I need to communicate my feelings with him and have him explain to me what in the fuck happened instead of remaining silent just because it’s what he wants.
Surely I deserve at least an explanation.
I vaguely remember both Luna and Wolfe cautioning me against getting too invested too early just because our sex life was fabulous, and all I’ve been able to hear playing in my head the last few days is a constant loop of 'I told you so' in both their voices, not that either of them would ever actually say that aloud if they knew. Which they don't because I'm so deeply ashamed about this that I doubt I'll ever tell anyone about it.
All this time I felt like I was being brave. Listening to my instincts, trusting my gut. Everything with Austin felt good and natural and uncomplicated, and it's only now that I have the gift of hindsight to be able to look back and think maybe I just wanted them to be right so much that I convinced myself they were, and overlooked a few very big things that never quite fit.
Given how vulnerable a position I was in with breaking up with Trey, moving back home, dramas with my family, and the disappointment of multiple failed dates, maybe I found the first normal-seeming person and put my wavering faith in that to ground me? To convince myself I should be dating and there's someone out there that I might genuinely be compatible with in the way I wasn't with Trey? That we were meant to be.
I look around at my friends, who, unfortunately for me, have the most beautiful, effortless, respectful and reciprocal relationships I've ever known in life. And despite feeling nothing but pride and joy that they're amazing and love each other so completely, it makes my fucking heart ache. I had thought---or perhaps was more wishing it into existence---that Austin would be my Wolfe or Mason. We connected so instantly, like I know Luna and Nella did with their partners, and I naively thought that might be the case for us too.
But I'm now coming to realise that maybe fairytale romances aren't on the cards for me. Maybe they don't exist for anyone, but the combination of coincidental timing, and shared values and genuine commitment, openness and a lot of patience and understanding often make it look like it does.
After this revelation, it's clear that Austin and I clearly share different values and have an altogether different idea of what commitment actually means in practice.
Neither Wolfe or Mason, nor even Miles for that matter, would ever do this to their respective partners in a million years.
Which means I feel stupid.
Naive and weak and so fucking stupid.