- EDEN -
I have mixed feelings about the hike.
Thankfully---and perhaps also surprisingly considering how bush we actually are---we’ve only seen the one snake, which promptly slithered off when Austin and I got near enough and it heard him talking at me about one of the albums he’s recording for a friend at the moment, therefore I've so far lived up to my promise to Miles to not get bitten. I honestly can’t say so much that the company has helped at all in making me feel any better today, but the fresh air and green surroundings are doing their magic duty in cheering me up some.
Emotionally, that is. Physically, however, is an altogether different story.
My body wants to kill me and leave me out for the eagles and hawks and crows and other assorted carrion to tear at my overworked muscles on the top of this here mountain on the Dandahra Crags walking track. I feel like I’m dying, and probably could have gone without the hour-long boxing class this morning considering this hike was advertised at the base of the track as being for ‘experienced bushwalkers,’ with ‘very steep gradients’ and ‘many steps.’ I believe the fuckers at the New South Wales National Parks and Wildlife Service should also be fired for stating this hike is a 7.1km loop and can be walked in between 2-3 hours, because those assholes lied and underestimated the required time by at least another hour, and I’m not unfit. I’ve never been in better shape thanks to Wolfe, Miles, Grayson and Hades, and all my regular gym-going and dog running.
But fuck me, this shit is something else. We just reached the top and it’s already been two and a half hours, and that was after another two and a half hours just to drive here. By the time we get back down and home it’s going to be so late and me so exhausted that I doubt I’ll even get The Lost Boys in---Dad’s favourite---before I pass out. Let alone The Warriors or The Godfather.
“What do you think?” Austin said proudly, looking chuffed with his hands on his hips as he stared out at the view in front of us. “Worth the blood, sweat and tears?” And boy, has there been a fair amount of all three on my part. I slipped on a wet rock I didn't see and ended up tearing a hole in my leggings and grazing my knee on a jagged part of the rock, have sweated out what has felt like my entire body weight, and may or may not have shed a solitary tear when I rounded the last bend and saw yet another endlessly steep incline.
But I do agree with him. The view is spectacular. Even Dad would have enjoyed this… if I blindfolded him, doused him in the heaviest-duty mozzie repellent and deterred all living things by singing so loud the whole way up and down the mountain to keep all fluffy, furry and scaly creatures at bay.
Almost any other day of the year, I’d probably do it again. But I still really didn’t want to do it today, and a temporary glimpse of heaven here on Earth, a higher dose of vitamin D in my bloodstream and less-polluted oxygen in my lungs sadly won’t make that go away so easily.
Austin is looking so hopeful though, that his idea has helped me forget the day, so much so that I just told him yes; it was worth it. I don’t want to be the downer to make all his effort in planning this and driving us out here a disappointment. He even packed us a picnic and carted it all the way up in his backpack, which he is now laying out for us on the top of a huge, flat-topped rock overlooking the valley.
“Come on, babe,” he said, gesturing me over to his makeshift dining table. “Let’s eat and digest so we actually have energy to head back down,” he laughed, though there’s every possibility that if he hadn’t have made us these salad sandwiches, or packed multiple apples, bananas, Cliff Bars, water and Gatorade, I may not have been able to get back down and would have just fallen asleep splayed out on this very rock until I felt alive enough again to just roll my body down the hill. The many steep and dangerous hills back to his car.
“Thanks for organising all this delicious food, Austin,” I said, stuffing my mouth by biting into my second energy bar. I could eat a horse right now, or maybe settle even for the deer we saw back a few Ks. I’m a vegetarian and I’ve certainly never eaten deer before, nor horse either. But if it came down to it given how desperate for energy I am, I’d have given it a crack.
“You’re welcome, babe,” Austin said, leaning closer to kiss me. “Glad I could help you out today at least, given the anniversary. A little fresh air and a break from reality is just what you needed.”
I’m too sore to get into how no temporary ‘break from reality’ is ever going to bring my father back, and therefore isn’t actually going to be just what I needed. I just need my father, but Austin’s done what he thinks is a nice thing that will help, and I can’t be upset with him for that. Trey was always so uncomfortable on this day each year, as well as Dad’s deathiversary, that he just steered clear and left me to my mopey rituals. “I really appreciate the effort you made. It was really lovely of you to think of this.”
“Any time,” he said with a smile as he reached for my hand. “I figured it’s hard not to be cheered up with all this natural beauty around, which, for me, also includes you, Eden. I feel so privileged to be able to share this with you.”
“That’s really sweet of you to say.”
“Speaking of things for me to say,” he said, squeezing my hands gently and turning his body towards me so we’re face-to-face. “Eden, I can’t think of a more perfect place to tell you for the first time that I love you.”
I was not expecting that. At all.
We've only been dating a little over a month and I'm certainly not anywhere near that point myself. I've been having a fair amount of fun both getting to know him and getting naked with him. But I didn't know things had progressed beyond that for him.
Bloody Geminis. They're next level intense at all angles, and my own watery ways are never prepared and always taken by surprise.
"I've caught you off guard with that one, haven't I?" he asked when I didn't say anything back in a few seconds. He doesn't look mad or upset, which is something. I’d guess that most men would be after taking a leap like that and not finding the sure footing they might have hoped for. "You don't need to say it back, Eden," he chuckled to himself, confirming my belief and easing some of the tension held within me with this twist. "It's been a perfect day, as have pretty much all of my ones shared with you so far, and I'm really enjoying where we're heading. I've never been one to shy away from my feelings, and they've been screaming at me that I love you almost from the very beginning, so it just felt right to say it here."
Even as I listen to him say it, something doesn’t quite feel completely right for me, and I can’t put my finger on why. If I had to guess without a chance to explore it more in my brain, I’d have put it down to this being my dad’s birthday, and so not really the best day for big disclosures like professions of love. Definitely not a perfect day. If it was, he’d be here.
But it’s also nice to know that Austin isn’t like Trey was in that he doesn’t have a problem sharing his feelings. I’ve always wanted to find someone I didn’t have to pry emotions out of, and I should have presumed that Austin would hand them over willingly given how naturally affectionate he is.
“Thank you, Austin,” I said, unable to pull another viable reply out of my brain. I can’t tell him that I love him too yet because that would be a lie and I’ve never lied to a partner before and I don’t plan on starting now. “I care about you a lot and I’m happy we’re together,” I said, and hoped that was enough for now.
He moved the empty Tupperware containers from the space between and shimmied closer, leaning in and cradling my head as he kissed me in a definitely-not-appropriate-for-a-public-walking-track-on-a-Sunday kind of way. I’d have pulled away if it didn’t feel so damn good.
We stayed up on the mountaintop a while longer making out like a pair of horny teenagers desperate for some alone time away from home and so hid out in the bushes at a park for a chance to feel each other up in private, before Austin took a look at his phone to check the time and we figured we probably needed to be heading back given the length of the drive and the time required to make our descent back to the car. It was probably a good thing that I stuck to my boxing class after all because then it gave us an excuse to have left so early in the morning and get started on this adventure and back before the sun had fully set.
And I’d be lying if I said it also wasn’t a good thing to have stuck to going into gym because seeing Wolfe, despite how much he pisses me off, always makes me feel a little more safe, which I’m especially grateful of today. Miles, too, certainly helped with that as well.
As we were driving back into Byron Shire around seven p.m., I tried to subtly start hinting to Austin that I was tired and just wanting to head inside, have a bath, eat and head to bed so he didn’t seem so disappointed when I said I’d rather he go home than head inside, which resulted in him pulling into my driveway and shifting the car into park without turning the engine off.
“So, before I let you go, I’ve been thinking,” he started, looking at me optimistically. “And, like, no pressure, but I’m wondering how you feel about, um… maybe not using condoms?” He must have interpreted into my expression something along the lines of the complete mortification I felt in assuming he was asking me whether I wanted to have a child with him, so added. “Like, I know you’re on the pill, so no children,” he said with a similarly disgusted expression no doubt mirroring my own. “But I’d love to feel closer to you, and so, if you’re open to it and we both get tested and what not, whether you’d be okay barebacking it?”
I didn’t know how to respond. I’ve been pretty diligent with all my sexual encounters in ensuring that, in addition to being on the cursed pill myself, I have the back-up security of insisting the guys I’ve slept with have worn a condom because I couldn’t imagine anything I’d want less than a baby right now.
“If you’re not into it, I’ll survive without it just fine,” Austin added, perhaps watching the dilemma I’m internally contemplating transform my face. “I just thought it might be nice to experience that with the girl I love, is all.”
“No, I get it,” I said, or at least I think I do. “It’s just not something I’ve ever really thought about before.”
“You haven’t?” he asked, like it was weird that I was content remaining child- and STI-free for as long as possible, if not forever.
“Well, not really,” I said, unsure how honest to be here when he’s already looking so deflated. “I’ve always taken my sexual health pretty seriously---"
“As have I,” he interrupted me. “That’s why I thought us both getting tested would be the safe thing to do, but if you’re not interested…” he trailed off, I’m sure not intentionally making me feel guilty, but feeling it all the same, especially after all his effort today.
“I didn’t say I wasn’t interested,” I defended myself, but feeling a little frustrated that I had to. “I just meant that it’s probably something I need to think about a little bit.”
“Oh, okay,” Austin said, though I couldn’t quite determine whether he was happy I was willing to think about it, or annoyed that I wanted to. His tone is strangely unreadable, or maybe I have so many thoughts and feelings floating around my body at the moment that all my wiring is getting crossed and confused. “I think I’ll head home and give you some time to yourself to think then.”
“Actually, you know what?” I said, panicking that he seemed to want to leave while in the middle of a thing between us without it all being resolved. Stupid people pleasing tendencies. “I’ll go to the doc’s tomorrow and get tested. Can’t hurt to have a clean bill of health after all, and I’ll keep thinking about your proposition.”
“Yeah?” he said, seeming pleased when I nodded.
“I’ll let you know how I go at the doc’s tomorrow,” I said, committing myself to making an appointment online when I head back inside and leaning over to kiss him. “I’ve gotta get inside to go feed Hades. Thank you again so much for today.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it, babe,” he said, kissing me one last time and shifting the car into reverse as I opened the door and got out, bending down---painfully---to say goodbye. “Chat to you in the morning?” I nodded, distracted by the vibrations on my phone in the bag, signalling that I must definitely be back in reception finally after having been without it the majority of the day. “Okay, love you.”
“Goodnight, babe,” I deflected, still somewhat perplexed by how comfortably and nonchalantly he seems able to just express his affection for me so soon in our relationship.
He put his car in reverse and backed away, blowing me a kiss right before he turned onto my street, and I pulled my phone out as I climbed up my front steps to see what all the fuss was about.
Wolfe and the crew in our ‘Byron Babes’ chat with Luna, Nella and Mason, trying to organise a barbeque for one night this week, with an invite extended also to Austin who will definitely not be in attendance because it’s way too early in our relationship to be subjected in person to my friends’ scrutiny for an evening.
Wolfe, Miles and Grayson in the ‘Cobra Kai Dojo’ chat, with Wolfe jokingly trying to organise a Karate Kid movie marathon hosted at the gym in place of our next class considering my legs are probably dead after this marathon hike I’m on considering how long I’ve not replied for.
Wolfe again, privately saying, ‘I’m sorry and I love you. I hope you had a nice day reflecting on your sweet old man, who I’d have loved to meet and shake the hand of in acknowledgement and praise of his killer sperm and its skill in gifting me the most beautiful, wiseass and wonderful sister-friend I could have ever dreamed into existence.’
Luna and Nella in our ‘Tits and No Dicks’ chat with their own expressions of tender love and kindness and offer to chat and just come sit if needed.
Mum, surprising me with an actual acknowledgement of the date, which she usually ignores, at least with me.
Uncle Penn who, alternatively, never misses it, sending me a photo of him and dad, each holding one of my hands when I was I’d guess around five years old.
And Miles.
‘Your dad would be so proud of the woman you’ve grown into, Eden.’