- EDEN -
The world of online dating is like trying to locate your very last dollar coin that you dropped into a flooded, underground sewer during an electrical storm. The dollar coin being a rarity with limited value that you may find only after trudging your way through endless filth and shit, with an ever present risk to your safety and general well-being from lightning strikes of male ego and patriarchal entitlement.
I'm almost ready to pack it in already.
It's been a week, and not a single man---apart from the shirtless, dog-walking reader, of course, who I sadly haven't come across on any dating sites yet---has piqued my interest enough for me to even consider going on a date. In fact, it may have just put me off dating in general for the rest of time.
Firstly, if the first image of you that you want people to gain an accurate impression from is a picture of you at the gym flexing in a mirror, you need to do some serious work on your self-esteem. You are more than your muscle mass and nippley singlet tops. Good for you for being active and trying to keep your body healthy, but it's an instant pass from me. Gym is not an identity, unless you're a personal trainer or professional athlete, and even then, I'd like to hope there's more substance to a person than how you spend your days. It's also an instant pass on drunk party shots for people late-twenties and over.
Secondly, if you think the best way to get a response from me is to compliment my appearance, you're missing the whole point. There's a lot more to me than how I look on the surface, and I've never understood why someone would think that's a good lead. It just shows where their priorities lie, and they aren't the same as mine. I'm much more attracted to the person than their appearance, and I'd want the person I'm dating to feel the same.
If you can't muster the energy to give someone even the most brief idea of who you are by actually writing a small bio for them to look over as well as your pictures, again, you either need to do some serious introspective work to explore who you are, or learn how to sit with your own vulnerability by putting yourself out there. It's really not hard. And if you think it is, sweetheart, you're not ready to be dating anyone. Learn to love yourself first before you try to use a relationship to patch up all the holes you think exist in your life. That's just not fair on anyone, and I'm done being unfair towards myself.
Do people even know how to talk to one another these days? I get it's a strange platform to be meeting someone for the first time and getting to know them via text, but how hard is it to say something more than, "Hey, how are you?" It's worse than just swiping right or 'liking' me without saying anything. Read the shit I've written in my bio, look over the answers to the question prompts I've provided, observe the context of my photos. I've given a plethora of ways for people to initiate an interesting or, god forbid, meaningful conversation, but no. It's all "Hey, how's your day going?" Boring.
Do people even go out for dinner or drinks anymore, or has dating just become hanging at the other person's house now to have sex? The number of men who have asked, very confidently, whether I feel like swinging by their place after work to "hang out" or have a drink is astounding. Perhaps even more so, the number that believe I would be happy to have a man I've never met and hardly know over to my house---my safe space---as our first interaction blows my mind.
Lastly, if there is a woman anywhere that is actually flattered that you would lead an interaction with the underlying motivation of dating, or even just sex, with a direct request for nudes or the unsolicited sending of a dick pic in place of an actual "Hello," then I'll hang up my already-reluctant dating boots and simply remain single forever because all my faith in humanity would be permanently lost.
I can't believe it's actually a thing. You hear stories about it obviously, but I just never thought it was real. Where the fuck did we go wrong as a society that men have been encouraged to think that is an acceptable way to behave with anyone, let alone women they've never met or spoken to before? Would they just as simply walk up to a woman in a bar or club, whip it out and wave it about her face without a second thought? Being a perve hiding behind a screen doesn't negate your sexually threatening and predatory behaviours. It makes you a creep and a coward.
"One guy got angry with me for taking longer than five minutes to reply to his last message, after which he proceeded to keep sending me messages telling me that I 'shouldn't lead men on… If I'm not interested, I should just say so instead of replying with small talk or "ghosting" them by not replying all morning'," I told my friends while we were out to dinner, watching them try their best not to laugh at my single woman misery. "Mate, I have a life, I have a job. I'm not dropping it all to talk to some random I don't even know. Also, what more do you want from me than small talk in the beginning? I'm not about to tell you my biggest hopes and fears and goals in life. I haven't even met you in person yet. For fuck's sake."
"Oh, Edes. It won't be all bad forever," Wolfe said, trying his best to console me. "I'm sure there are some people about who aren't feral. I mean, I don't know where they are to point you in the right direction, and I'm even more grateful than ever now that I found Luna, even in the way I did, because I don't think I've ever been cut out for the world of online dating. But there has to be someone out there that will interest you and not be gross doing it."
I sighed, having tried to rationalise around my fears in this exact pattern of thinking many times already during my brief foray into the modern world of dating. "Needle in a haystack, Wolfe. Tiny, microscopic needle in an endless, needle-looking haystack."
"Maybe you need to just rip off the bandaid and pick the least sleazy one of the bunch and just go through with a date? You ask them out, so already you're the one that sets the tone and pace, pick somewhere public where you're likely to be a little safer than meeting at someone's house?” Nella suggested kindly. I showed her some of the texts I’d received recently at work yesterday and she was as mortified as I was, so her encouragement here was somewhat unexpected.
“Tell us about some of the ones you’re talking to at the moment and maybe we can help choose the one that might suck the least?” Luna asked, clearly agreeing with everyone else that the best way forward is to just jump right in and get the worst part over with, which a very big part of me is starting to believe is the only way forward really.
I don’t know why I’m so hung up on meeting up in person with a stranger being any different than a stranger buying me a drink after just meeting me in a bar. If anything, after a few messages back and forth, I’m actually likely to know the online date at least a little better than the in person one that saw me and realised that there was something to like about me from just my external appearance. The online date presumably considers there’s at least some kind of substance to me if they’re interested in meeting up after only seeing a few strategically selected pictures and some carefully chosen words of conversation. That has to count for something, right?
I want to say, ‘what harm could it do to just pick one and go out with them?’ But I’m also a woman and have been patriarchally indoctrinated into a world where I know that that simple fact alone---my being a woman---means there is almost always an inherent risk of something bad happening to me at the hands of someone who, rightly or wrongly, has more power than I do. There is always a possibility of something going badly; but I also don’t want to hide myself away, blindly accept this, and miss out on potential opportunities that could be worthwhile and help me grow towards becoming the best version of myself I can be.
Perhaps having the others here to bounce around my thoughts and impressions on each of the men I’ve been speaking to lately might help me feel more confident that I’m not about to accept a date with someone who could potentially cause me harm if I agree to go out with them. I’m not the biggest fan of my own intuition when it comes to men I’ve dated in the past, and I know these four people have had opinions themselves on the matter of me dating, and arguably know me collectively a lot better than I do myself at times.
“Alright,” I said, pulling out my phone so I could go through them all. “There’s probably four I’d consider going out with, and by that I mean they’re the only ones who haven’t yet asked for more photos of me nor sent me a shirtless selfie.”
Wolfe and Mason laughed, presumably finding amusement in this statement. Luna and Nella, on the other hand, screwed up their faces in the same expression of disgust that I’m sure I had just before I respectfully ended the conversation and blocked the guys who had indeed done just this.
And so we went through them all together.
Cooper. Has two children from a prior relationship. Employed as a plumber. Looking for a relationship. Wolfe and Mason had a few things to say about those men they know in the plumbing profession through work, but I tried my best not to indulge their “prior experiences with the type of people who willingly work with shit every day.”
Beckett. Can spell and write in full sentences, and doesn’t use abbreviations. Works as a primary school teacher at my old primary school actually. Not really sure what he’s looking for, but is enjoying getting to know new people.
Jamie. Works in retail and actually enjoys it. Generally quite cheery, with a positive attitude and take on most things, and loves to have a laugh. Still living at home, and not looking for anything serious.
Leo. Studying a Masters of Public Policy at university. Smart and knowledgeable about a lot of different aspects of human’s social behaviours it would seem.
“Could you have found yourself interested in four more different people, Wilkes?” Luna joked, though outlining them all out like this, I absolutely see her point. Clearly I don’t really have a ‘type,’ which is interesting because it seems most other people do. I swiped right on one guy who was a self-proclaimed ‘fat, nerdy type (no negative connotations or shame attached),’ and he replied saying, “No offence. You’re gorgeous and I’m sure super lovely too, but I like my women chunky. All the best.” which I thought was one of the coolest and most honest interactions I’ve had with a man about body shape ever.
“I’m keeping my options open?” I offered with with a shrug.
“Evidently so,” Luna laughed. “Leo is my pick by the way.”
“Old mate, corrupt future politician?” Wolfe questioned her, apparently not agreeing with her preference. “No way. It’s got to be Beckett for Eden. Smart, stable, employed.”
Nella cut off Luna’s indignant reply to her partner. “I personally was going to go for Jamie for a bit of fun to get you back in the groove of dating, though the living at home is a bit of a red flag for me. Actually maybe an orange flag. It’s hard to afford your own place these days, so I can maybe understand him still living at home.”
“Alright, Mason,” I said loudly, cutting off all possibility for the ongoing debate that Luna and Wolfe are wanting to start. “Throw us your two cents.”
He took a second to think about it. “I don’t think I really have one, Eden. I mean, you could always line up a date with each of them?” Mason suggested, tempering my horror at how much energy it would require to commit myself to that when he followed up with, “No one’s saying you need to marry them, Eden. Nor that anything more than sharing a nice meal or a drink together needs to happen when you agree to a date. Kissing, sex, intimacy. None of that needs to happen on a date if you’re not feeling it. If you aren’t, just thank them for their time and tell them that unfortunately you’re not wanting to pursue anything more with them right now.
"Don’t let other people’s expectations of dating confuse your own. This is new to you, and you need to figure out how it’s going to work best for you.”
With the larger personalities of Luna, Wolfe and Nella, sometimes Mason fades into the background with how much quieter he is by comparison. But he is truly wonderful and wise, and probably the sole source of equilibrium inherent within our wild friendship group most days.