When I opened my eyes, it was still dark, nothing but the streetlights to leave a gentle glow within the van. I sat up, feeling Jake's jacket slide off of me onto the floor as I heard their muffled voices outside.
"It's gonna hurt at first but.. she'll thank you one day. It's the best thing for her, Jake." My stomach dropped. What were they talking about? Who was she? Did they mean.. me? What was going to hurt? What was going on?
I tried my best to focus, rubbing my eyes and looking around, still feeling the ground moving beneath me as I pushed on the door, feeling someone leaning back against it. He finally backed away, quickly coming around.
"I'll.. meet you back inside." Josh said softly, giving me a gentle smile before heading into the venue. Jake grabbed my arms, helping me as I climbed out of the van, now leaning back against it to face him.
"Jake, what's going on?" I finally asked, feeling my heart beating faster. Everything was supposed to be perfect now. I was out here with him, just like we had always talked about, so why did it feel like he didn't want me around anymore?
"Nothing's going on." He eventually said, shoving his hands into his pockets, avoiding my eyes.
"Then why can't you look at me?" He sighed, finally looking back up.
"I just.. wanted to enjoy as much of this as possible." He muttered.
"Enjoy what? W-what's going on?" He stayed quiet, his eyes now more visibly sad, glancing around at everything but me.
"Jake.." I exhaled, reaching out for him. He let me, moving in closer as I pulled him in by his shirt. He stayed quiet as his eyes slowly scanned my face, eventually stopping on my lips. All I wanted was for him to kiss me and tell me everything was going to be okay.
But he didn't.
"Jaime.. you have to go to school." He finally said, reaching up for me, gently caressing my face.
"Is.. is that what this is about?" He shrugged, looking away again. I gently turned his head back to face me again, his eyes now filling with tears.
"You have no idea how badly I want you here, but-"
"So then.. what's the problem? I want to be here with you."
"I just.. I need you to go, okay?"
"But.. Jake, I want-"
"I know what you think you want, but that's not-"
"No.. not what I think I want, what I do want. I want to be with you." He stayed quiet, wiping his eyes.
"Where is this all coming from? I thought.. I thought this was what we wanted? This was what we always talked about.. me being here with you." He nodded.
"I know, but.. that was selfish of me."
"It's not selfish if that's what I want too."
"Jaime, please don't make this harder than it needs to be."
"W-what.. make.. make what harder? W-what's going on?" He bit down on his lip avoiding my eyes again. I slowly backed away, maneuvering out of his grip. I felt like I was going to be sick.
"Oh my god.." I whispered. "Are.. are you breaking up with me?"
"I don't want to, I just think that-"
"No. I.. I don't want to break up. We don't have to do this. Jake, we.. we can still be us and I can go, but.. I don't-"
"I just think that.. with me in the picture, you're always going to put me first when.. now is the time for you to put you first."
I could feel my heart breaking in my chest.
Why was this happening?
"Jake, I will, I just.. I finally have you, I.. I don't want to lose you." I pulled him in closer, holding on tighter to his shirt like if I just held on tight enough, he couldn't leave.
"You know what, you're right, we've.. we've been drinking a lot and.. we're not thinking clearly, we can just talk about this tomorrow, and-"
"No, I'm thinking clearly.." He sighed. "Finally. And.. I just need to do what's best for you."
"You're what's best for me!" His face dropped, his eyes filling back up with tears. I couldn't take him crying. This was killing me.
I reached up for him, leaning in but he carefully moved away. My heart sunk. He had never moved away from me before.
"I'm not leaving." I finally said. "This isn't fair, you don't just get to decide this for me. I should have a say in this too."
"I know, but.. you're just thinking about right now. And one day, you're gonna want something for yourself, and you're gonna resent me for letting you give this all up."
"I would never resent you. Jake, ever since I met you.. this is all I've ever wanted and.. now we have it, can we please just.. hold onto it? I can go away to school and we can still be okay, we don't have to do this."
"Jaime, it's not that simple."
"Yes it is!"
"No! It's not! You just-"
"Jake, I don't care what-"
"I cheated on you."
And then my body went cold.
For a moment, I forgot how to speak.
I couldn't breathe.
He stayed quiet, holding his teary-eyed stare on me.
I could feel my heart pounding in my ears.
He cheated on me? Is that was this was all about? It wasn't about me going away to school, it was about him getting to end it and be single on tour, while also getting to be the "good guy." How could he do this? After everything we had been through? After everything he said..
And then more tears came to his eyes, his breaths getting heavier, but his eyes never strayed away from mine.
"No you didn't." I finally said, reaching up, gently wiping his eyes.
"I did." I shook my head.
"You wouldn't do that to me."
"Well, I.. I did." He muttered, taking a deep breath.
"Why are you doing this?" His face dropped, his eyes getting wide.
"W-what do you mean?"
"You would never do that to me. I know you."
"Well.. I did, and.. you shouldn't have to deal with someone like that. Someone who would do that to you." I wiped his eyes again, now holding his face in my hands. He stared back into mine, as if memorizing every detail, every freckle, and every shade of brown.
And then I pulled him into a deep, tender kiss. I felt his hands on my waist, slowly moving up my body, kissing me back harder as if just by habit now.
"What are you doing?" He sighed, leaning his forehead against mine. I leaned into another gentle kiss, now gently running my fingers against his cheek.
"I know what you're doing." I whispered. His eyes moved back down to my lips as he nodded, eventually moving his hands up, lightly caressing my neck as he pulled me back into another passionate kiss, pushing me back against the van. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him harder, gripping him tighter, savoring every second I had him.
"I'm gonna go to school." I finally said. "But.. I don't want to break up." He bit down on his lip, holding his stare on me until he eventually nodded.
"I.. I didn't.." He sighed. "I'm sorry, I just-"
"I know." I said, pulling him into a tight hug, now hiding my face in his neck.
"I would never do that to you, Jaime."
"I know." He squeezed me tighter as I felt his hand on the back of my head, holding me closer as his fingers tangled their way into my hair.
"I love you, and.. it's gonna be hard, I know that but.. I'd rather it be hard with you then easy with anyone else. I want you, no matter what that means."
"Me too." He said, his lips finally curling into a subtle smile.
"And.. there's still time before school, so I want to spend as much of it with you as possible. Things don't have to be difficult yet, so.. can we just.. enjoy being together before we have to say goodbye again?" He nodded, instantly pulling me into another passionate kiss.
I reached back for the handle on the door, opening it as I grabbed is shirt, quickly pulling him inside. He flashed me a wide grin before pulling me back on top of him, shutting and locking the door behind him.