I stood at the end of their driveway, watching as they drove away, unable to bring myself to move after they turned the corner and were eventually out of sight. It was like if I stood there long enough, maybe they would come back.
A girl could dream.
It already felt like there was a hole in my chest, and they had only been gone for a few minutes. How was I supposed to go months feeling like this, knowing it was only going to get worse as time went on. They were still freshly engrained in my mind, but what if time went by and little by little I forgot the details of their face, the freckles in their eyes, or the sound of their laughter?
What if they forgot mine?
It was so much easier said than done, all of the promises we made when none of us knew what life would hold for us over the course of the next few weeks. I had no idea what they were gonna do and who they were gonna meet.
What if they started to forget those promises too?
Jaime: I miss you already <3
I didn't have to wait long for my phone to vibrate.
Jake: I miss you too. </3
Finally, I made my way back up their driveway and towards my house, unable to bring myself to go inside just yet. The amount of memories I had with them in my bedroom, I would be surprised if I could stand to be in there for more than a few minutes at a time.
And then I looked back out at their yard, over at the picnic table. Where Josh had kissed me again. It was quick and gentle; not lasting long enough for me to even register how I was feeling in the moment. But I knew.. it felt different. I don't know what it was, but it scared me.
It wasn't how a kiss with a friend felt.
And now I was left alone with these thoughts, these feelings, that I had to figure out before they got back. I hadn't told Jake about it. It didn't seem like something I should bring up. Not today. Not before they were about to leave. I didn't want our last few moments together to turn into an argument, whether between us, or with him.
Maybe if I just didn't think about it.
Maybe it would go away.
But.. what if it didn't?
I wonder if he was thinking about it too.
Unless to him, that was a 'goodbye' kiss.
And if that was the case.. there was no sense wondering, right?
I eventually forced myself to go back inside, slowly making my way up the stairs and heading down the hallway to my mom's room. I gently knocked on the door, peeking my head inside to see her propped up against her pillows like always, her eyes instantly turning towards me as I stepped in. She gave me a sympathetic smile, gently patting the spot next to her without a word. I was thankful, not wanting to talk to anyone right now. There was nothing to say.
I was empty.
I crawled onto her bed, cuddling under her arm as she pulled me close, kissing my forehead. We sat together in silence for what felt like hours, until I felt my eyelids start to get heavier, slowly drifting off to sleep.
My dreams were filled with flashes of the morning, quick visions of Jake's sleepy eyes, Sam and Danny loading up the car, the way Josh looked at me before he kissed me, each becoming clearer and clearer as time went on. But over and over, the kiss kept replaying in my mind, longer, slower. It felt like it did the first time we kissed. Everything I felt was magnified, the highs, the lows, rushing together, sending my mind into a whirlwind until I was suddenly forced awake with one last flash of his eyes.
I quickly sat back up, looking around, not recognizing the bedroom, until I finally came to, remembering I had fallen asleep in my mom's bed.
"You okay, honey?" She asked. I rubbed my eyes, looking around again before finally nodding.
"I'm okay." I sighed, lying back down under her arm, cuddling close.
"Did you want to talk about it?" I bit down on my lip, knowing that I would most likely feel better if I did, but even still, I wasn't sure about how I was feeling about the whole thing just yet, and the last thing I wanted to do was confuse myself even more.
"That's okay." She said. "We don't have to, only if you want to. I just want to make sure that you're okay." I nodded, cuddling closer.
"I will be." I said softly.
"I know it's hard, but.. at least they'll be back."
I felt my heart drop. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but I suddenly felt guilty. At least they were coming back. It hurt knowing that she most likely has felt how how I was feeling every day since.
"Yeah." I muttered. It was all I could manage as I felt tears start to come to my eyes. I quickly wiped them away, sitting back up.
"Mom, I.. I think I'm gonna go lie down in my room."
"Okay, honey. Feel free to come back if you get lonely." She said softly. I could hear the slight disappointment in her voice, but I really just wanted to cry alone for a little while.
"I will."
"And.. let me know if you get hungry. We can order takeout." I nodded, smiling back at her. We hadn't ordered takeout in years, never knowing how she would be able to handle it. So, I knew it would just be for me. She had offered plenty of times, but it never felt fair for me to eat that when she couldn't.
"Okay, we'll see." I muttered. She gave me another smile before I made my way out, shutting the door behind me.
As I forced myself into my bedroom, it felt quieter. Emptier. Like something was missing. Or someone. I slowly made my way around, stopping at my dresser where Jake's guitar pick necklace still sat from before the wedding. I slipped it back on, letting it fall under the collar of my shirt. It made me feel closer to him.
Jaime: How's life on the road so far? lol
Jake: horrible lol you're the only one I want to be stuck in a van with.
Jaime: I'm sure it's not THAT bad
Jake: Sam isn't the best driver. I'd be shocked if we all make it there alive.
Jaime: Please do. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Jake: I'll do my best.. for you <3
Jaime: I love you. <3 please be safe.
Jake: I will. I promise. I love you. <33333
I couldn't help but smile. As hard as it was going to be, I never wanted him to worry about me. I just wanted him to have the time of his life. He has worked for this.. for forever, and he deserved to enjoy every moment without having to think about how badly I wanted him to come home, especially after learning he was willing to drop it all.. just like that.
Just for me.
Making my way over to my bed, I saw one of Josh's shirts hanging on the back of my door. From one of our first dates. I had told myself I was never going to give it back, I wanted to remember everything, including..
I grabbed it, wrapping it around me, suddenly comforted by the smell of his cologne wafting up from the collar.
My heart jumped.
It still smelt like him.
Finally I plopped down, burying myself underneath my blankets, hiding my face in his shirt as I felt myself slowly start to drift off to sleep with the thought of him again.