As we pulled into the parking lot, I could already see the bright lights off in the distance, making the sky glow with such beautiful reds and yellows and blues. It was one of my favorite parts of summer; all of us piling into the car, riding the rides until we were nauseous, stuffing our faces with cotton candy and funnel cake and then marveling together at the fireworks at the end of the night.
Without fail, we went every year, though the company had changed a bit over time. The parents eventually stayed home once the boys got their licenses and started to bring girls around. I always dreaded the day I would get into the car and there would be someone else in the passenger seat. But Josh never brought anyone else. So, I was thankful I always had my own someone to go on rides with.
My favorite someone.
Josh and I trailed behind as I enviously watched the guys walk hand in hand with their dates towards the ticket booth. I peeked up at him, never sure of what to do when it was just the two of us in a situation like this.
He shoved his hands into his pockets.
I did the same.
He then stepped in front of me as we approached the booth, pulling out his wallet.
"Two please."
"Oh, you don't have to-"
"You know I always get your ticket." He said, smiling back at me. I nodded, feeling my face get hot.
"O-okay."
Throughout the years, his mom had always given him extra money to cover my ticket since my mom and I could barely afford to do things like this. As we got older, I just assumed it would stop, but he always insisted, even when it was now coming out of his own pocket.
"So, where are we headed first?" Josh asked, turning towards the rest of the group.
"Well, we were gonna head over towards the games for a little while, and then try to get a good spot on the ferris wheel for the fireworks." Jake said, wrapping his around his date. She smirked up at him, playfully hitting his chest. My stomach dropped.
The ferris wheel. Everyone knew the ferris wheel was where you went to make out with your date, and how badly I wanted to be one of those girls that got to sit at the very top as those fireworks went off, all the while getting to feel fireworks of my own.
"Oh.." Josh said, understanding what he meant. "We'll, uh.. we'll catch up with you guys later then." He looked over at me, motioning the other way. I nodded, following him closely.
It was amazing how when you were single, all you saw were couples. It felt like not that long ago we were all just kids, running around together, seeing who could win the biggest prize, now if you didn't have someone to win one for you, it felt like the end of the world. I hated how it seemed like that's all anyone cared about anymore.
Maybe it was just because I felt left out. Because I knew if I had who I wanted, I'd want the world to know it too.
We walked in silence for a bit, making our way through the booths, becoming engulfed in the various smells of fried foods and mouth watering sweets.
"Hey, you hear that?" He said, finally breaking the silence. He motioned up towards the speakers above us.
"It's from the playlist." I smiled, feeling my cheeks burn. He nodded.
It was one of my favorites.
Josh had created what he called "the perfect driving playlist" for the days and nights we'd spend together aimlessly driving around town, just talking, daydreaming about what life would be after school, what college would be like, what was going to happen with their band..
We talked about anything and everything.
It basically became the soundtrack of our lives.
He playfully sang along, putting on a show for whoever wandered by, but as far as I was concerned, we were the only two here and it was just for me.
"I ain't got many friends left to talk to
Nowhere to run when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night but keep it undercover"
I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he performed his way through the dirt paths, leading us over to one of the booths.
"Hungry?" He asked. I nodded, going for my wallet. He flashed me a look, shaking his head. My cheeks burned as I hesitated, putting it away.
"Josh, you don't have to-"
"I'm gonna get it for myself. And.. if you happen to have some, well then I can't really stop you, can I?" He giggled. I nodded, doing my best to contain my smile.
"One large cone." He said. "Chocolate on the bottom, strawberry on top." He peeked down at me, giving me a subtle smile. I moved in closer to him, wanting nothing more than to just lean my head on his shoulder and hold onto his arm like the rest of the girls got to do with their boyfriends. He turned to me, handing me the cone before paying.
"I thought this was for you." I laughed, taking the first lick. He shrugged.
"Yeah, but.. I don't like strawberry. And the chocolate is on the bottom so.. you're gonna have to finish that first." I shook my head, smirking back at him.
I followed him closely as he lead us around, his eyes bouncing from booth to booth, finally stopping on one of the games. His smile grew as he turned back to me.
"You think you can beat me?" He asked. I shook my head, giggling to myself.
"You know I've never been able to beat you."
"Well, maybe you've gotten better." He joked, sitting down at the game. I sat down as close to him as the stool would allow.
"Two please." He said, peeking back over at me.
"Well that's not fair I have to hold this!" I laughed, licking the ice cream that had begun melting down the side of the cone.
"Oh, yeah please get that off, you know the cone is my favorite part." I couldn't help but smile, holding the water gun as best as I could with my one free hand.
"Ready, set, go!"
And Josh hit the bullseye instantly, like he did this all the time. He always managed to be great at everything, but you could never hate him for it. Meanwhile I always had to try my very best just to keep up. Even without the ice cream in my hand, I would have been no where near as good as him.
"And we have a winner!" I heard, as the loud bells rang around us.
"What's your prize?" Josh turned to me, motioning toward the shelf.
"Which one do you want?" He asked. My heart jumped as a smile escaped my lips. I quickly scanned the shelf and eventually pointed out the pink stuffed seahorse. Josh was handed the prize and instantly placed it in my other free hand, but not before leaning in, taking a decent bite out of the ice cream.
"Ugh, I don't know how you like this." He laughed, wrapping his arm around me. "Come on, I need something to get this taste out of my mouth." My heart jumped, now feeling like my whole body was on fire. But I stayed quiet, not wanting him to overthink it and trying to enjoy it for as long as possible.
"You still like cotton candy, right?" He asked, going over to one of the carts. I nodded, peeking up at him. He reached into his pocket, grabbing his wallet without taking his arm off me.
"The pink one, please." He said with a smile. I watched as they spun the paper cone around and around, the pink sugar slowly building up around it. I could feel my heart beating faster the longer he left his arm hanging across my shoulder, his hand dangling around on the other side. How much I just wanted to reach up and hold it..
"And here you go."
I sighed as he pulled his arm away, taking the cotton candy.
"Thank you!" He said cheerfully, and then turned to me, motioning back towards the parking lot.
"The car?" I asked. He nodded, reaching his arm out again. I didn't hesitate to quickly position myself back under it, peeking up at him with a giddy smile.
Maybe.. something was finally happening?
"I've always liked the view from over here much better than the ferris wheel anyway." He said softly, slowly guiding us through the lot until we reached his car. He took the ice cream cone and motioned to the hood. I climbed up, grabbing it from him as he followed, now lying down next to me.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've imagined this exact scenario playing out in my head. Just us alone, one of us finally brave enough to make the first move, hopefully him.. but at this point.. I was willing to make the jump.. if the opportunity presented itself.
I reached over, handing him the cone that had the rest of his chocolate ice cream. He turned to me, holding his stare for a moment before finally taking it, but even then, he didn't look away. So neither did I.
It wasn't until the first firework went off where our stare was broken with a sudden jump, our attention instantly being brought up to the sky that was lit up with vibrant reds and blues and sizzling glitter trickling down to the ground. It was just as beautiful as I remembered.
"Remember that year we had to leave early because Jake started to cry?" He laughed, turning back to face me. I nodded, peeking over at him.
"He said that part of the firework landed on him meanwhile.. we were all the way on the other side of the field." He nodded, laughing harder.
"I miss those summers." He sighed.
"Me too."
As more and more went off, I couldn't help but be mesmerized, not so much by the show above, but how beautifully he glowed below the dazzling bursts of light; I could stare at him forever. The explosions became loud enough where the rest of the world was drowned out by its roaring booms, but still nothing compared to my heart, pounding in my ears.
Looking back up at the sky, I slowly moved my hand across the hood of the car until I finally felt my fingers brush against his. It was then, when he would usually nervously pull away.. I felt his hand gradually move over mine. I kept my eyes forward, terrified that any wrong move would scare him off, wanting to enjoy this moment as much as I could before..
"There they are, they're at the car already." I heard, echoing across the parking lot. Jake. My stomach dropped as I felt Josh quickly pull his hand away, now sitting up to face him.
"Hey, you guys are back early." He said. I sighed, sitting up to see them all making their way over, hand in hand with their dates, hating how close I was to finally getting to be with mine.
"Yeah, they let us on quicker than expected, so figured we'd get a head start before we're stuck in this traffic for an hour." Josh nodded, hopping off the hood, holding his hand out to help me down. I grabbed on tight, accepting that this was as close as we were ever gonna get tonight.
"You guys have fun?" Sam asked, smirking at Josh before hopping into the backseat. Josh nodded, avoiding his eyes as he quickly made his way around the car, hopping into the driver's side. The rest of the guys followed, carefully helping their dates into the car, not hesitating to pull them in close, wrapping their arms around them again.
What I would give to know how they felt.
The drive home was quiet for the most part, aside from the soft whispers between them in the back seat that I had to try my best to ignore. But just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, as he pulled up to my house we were faced with the familiar glaring lights of the ambulance.