Trigger Warning: relationship issues, beeduo angst oof, grief, swearing, shouting
Word Count: 2414
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"..Ranboo?.."
Tubbo croaks, feeling the headache setting in, "God, I swear if I get a fever or something-"
"What were you thinking, Bee?" He sounds mad.
Tubbo opens his eyes to see Ghostboo, and with how much his brows narrowed and lips pursed, he sure is upset, "You could have killed yourself back there, Tubbs..what were you thinking?"
The shorter figure left speechless. Ranboo..barely gets mad at him, he rarely ever speaks to him like that.
Why does..why does he even care?
Biting his lip, he looks away trying to act indifferent, 'it's not him, it's not him' he thinks, "Just trying to find Tommy, we're running out of time. He could be in danger, he-"
"Stop risking your life like that!" Ghostboo shouts, before he realizes what he did and looks away, "Stop..worrying..me like that. I worry, I always worry for you Bee. I'm sorry I haven't been helping you much, anyone is barely helping you much really. I get that you want to do this to make up for Tommy, but he's not gonna like knowing you risked your ass for his sake. He'll never forgive himself."
Tubbo widens his tired eyes before looking away. He couldn't face him. Not him, "Why.." he mumbles, his emotions are racking in his brain; sadness, anger, regret, guilt. Like his nuke experiments, he's a walking time bomb,
"Why are you acting like that?! You're not Ranboo! So why do you act like you care?!" At this points, he sits up, eyes seething to meet his eyes, while the other one stares back blankly, it's uncommon to see him to not smile when he acts so happy all the time,
"You spent your months in the server acting like you don't care about anything at all! You're happy that you're dead and you even hated Ranboo for how he acted when he was fucking alive! You have his memories but did you even care knowing about the fact Michael was kidnapped? You only saw him when Techno, Eret helped me rescue him. Did you even care about him?"
He ain't going back now, he's tired of Ghostboo's bullshit and the way he's been acting around him. Knowing that it hurts to see him around just makes the ghost looms around him more, and the fact that he's careless and nonchalant about everything, it annoys him,
"What about Tommy? You never thought about him? With how much you freely roam around this server, you never even had a thought of finding him? What did you do this whole time?!" He shouts, rage pooling his judgement,
"And why did you save me?! You don't actually care about me do you? Because if you do, you actually tried to show it to me months ago. You were like a fucking stranger to me, Ghostboo. And here you're acting like my lover."
Ghostboo took it all in, keeping his gaze unfazed to Tubbo's outburst. And by the looks of it, the other isn't taking it all back. Ghostboo understands it, well sort of. Tubbo's upset, he's grieving, and the ghost isn't helping at all,
"I am not Ranboo..at least..not anymore." He murmurs, showing a little smile, "I'm sorry if I can't be someone you used to love, Tubbo. I did try, but it's just not me. It's not there." He shrugs.
Tubbo's glare only remains. It hurts to give a death stare to the one you love, but he has to shake that feeling off, "But I do care. I do care about you, Tubbo. No matter how much you deny it, I'm still that same person you loved months ago. Who you treated fairly and kind. I only lack something that makes me not him, but that doesn't mean I'm no longer him at all..if that makes sense."
Taking a breath in, he steps closer, at least Tubbo has calmed albeit slightly, "Yes, I am not him him. But I want you to know that if he's here right now, he'd be worried sick and would tell you to go home right now and give up the search." Ghostboo sternly says, that widens the shorter one's eyes,
"He loves you, Tubbo. Wherever he is, he loves you so much. He was willing to sacrifice his own life to save your son; the son you two raised, and cherished. And the fact that you managed to save that kid, I bet that he's the luckiest man that got hold of your heart." Tubbo shakes his head, covering his face with his knees. He couldn't accept it, but why?
"I want him back.." He rasps, feeling his heart breaking into hundreds of pieces, cracks worsening, "I wish he didn't leave me..I wish he was here..I want him back..He's always there to help me, and comfort me. He understands whatever shit I put him through. He never..left my side..until.."
Tears finally welled up in his eyes. He doesn't understand what his emotions are trying to convey. All he knows is that he's upset at himself and Ghostboo, mourning for his husband's death still, and the endless craving of his return.
He's cold.
He's grieving.
He just want him back.
"I'm so alone.."
He feels a bit warm, it didn't help much, but it was something. Took him a while to realise that it's Ghostboo..hugging him?
He feels transparent, Tubbo doesn't even know where to or which part to hold onto him. Would his arms latch onto him in return or only pass through? He didn't care, he hugged him back, holding his tears. God he doesn't want to look so weak in front of him, but he did anyway.
No matter how much he hated it, this is not Ranboo..he said it himself, he's not him..not anymore at least, "I never left you alone. You just never accepted me."
••●••
It felt like hours, bittersweet hours. The two stayed inside a dark cave, where only a fire burns for their eyes to see. The blizzard doesn't look like it will stop any time soon.
Tubbo remains quiet, he wants to let go, and not let go at the same time. He feels like Ghostboo's only doing this to make him feel better. And well it did kind of help, but it's never the same.
It's never the same,
"Michael.." Tubbo murmurs which makes Ghostboo tilt his head a bit, "Michael..is he okay?" He tries to change the subject, he does want to keep talking about their relationship, but he's not in the right place.
Someday, in a right time, where he finally accepted the things that happened, and the person he is with right now.
"He's alright, Phil's taking care of him well. Techno's sort of annoyed being with a kid in the same house. But as far as I can see, he isn't messing with him. Michael missed you too, he missed you a whole lot, and do you have any idea how hard it is to answer a child's question wondering where his other father is? I may be a ghost, but man, it's complicated."
Those last words sort of stuck inTubbo's head, but he didn't question him. Not now, "But he's good. He's a good kid, Tubbs." That made him smile a bit, at least Michael's around, and alive.
He looks up at Ghostboo and notices a bit of sadness hints in his face. That's rare, seeing an emotion around him other than plain indifference and lackadaisical attitude,
"Are..you okay?" Tubbo asks. Ghostboo only looks at him and smiles,
"Ever felt like you're not good enough? It's a familiar feeling."
There, he stands up and floats around, checking out the snow outside, "The snow ain't stopping.." He mutters.
Tubbo frowns, sitting against the cave walls, "Oh by the way, how the hell did you manage to find me, and get out of the snow?"
Ghostboo chuckles at that one, "The End's far colder than the Overworld, I remember that one." He states, "And also because someone has been nagging me to check up on you for days, and so I did. And I'm glad I followed his words, seeing you buried in the snow's something I prefer not to see for sometime."
He raises his brows, "Who..told you to check up on me?" He asks, curiously,
"A friend."
Ghostboo vaguely replies, giving him a sneer. There, he's back in his aloof self, "I think the potatoes are good by now, it'll last you the whole night. And by tomorrow, I'll come back to take you home."
Tubbo frowns, "You're..leaving? At this time? It's deathly freezing out there! And what do you mean I'm going home tomorrow? I still haven't found Tommy!"
He almost yells, but the ghost can only shrug, "Like I said, it's not something than a half enderman can't handle. I have to get home before Michael realises I'm gone. Since you were away, he's getting closer to me since he's got no one. Phil's a nice guy, but he doesn't feel connected with him."
Guilt strikes his heart once more and before he could process any of it, Ghostboo presses more, "And yes, you're going home. I'm sorry but you almost died out there. I can't risk your life. Wherever he is now, it's not your responsibility to find him and take him back home. Where Tommy is and what happened to him, it's his responsibility, not yours.. Next time, we'll find him, together this time. That way, I'll make sure you're safe."
Tubbo grits his teeth, "Ranboo wouldn't say something like that." He spits almost like acid,
"He cares about Tommy, unlike you. Since you said you have all of his memories, I'm sure you've seen how much he grieved his death before, and how much he gets worried from all the trouble he gets himself into. He'd trust my judgement and let me find Tommy. He'd support my choice, and believe in me."
He looks up at him with burning eyes, "You don't believe me, and I don't know why you're trying to take me back home, but I won't. I ain't going home without my best friend, and someone like you ain't gonna stop me."
Ghostboo narrows his eyes, "Ranboo wasn't the best with his choices. That's why he was constantly used by others, manipulated, and exploited. Hell, even his last choice caused him to di-"
"Shut up! Get the fuck out, I hate you! I hate you! Get out and leave me alone!" It hurts to shout like this even when he's exhausted.
But he doesn't care, how dare he talk about Ranboo like that? He understands that Ghostboo loathes him, but he sure has the guts to spit his hatred of him in front of him.
Before he could say anything more, Ghostboo's gone out of thin air, probably back at Phil and Techno's cabin where he should be.
He pants from all the words he got out of his throat, and sighs heavily at what he's done. Looking down to see the campfire where the potatoes are being roasted, his expression contorts to melancholy.
Does he mean what he said?
Does he really hate him?
Well he's not exactly Ranboo, he doesn't even act like him, no matter how much he pretends to be.
And seeing him pretending to be someone he doesn't even like, hurts..It's almost like he's mocking him, that bastard.
How dare he tried to act like him? Trying to be nice, caring for him, and loving him? He's lying, like almost everyone in this damn server. He just can't trust anyone, can he?
The thought of Tommy flashes into his head, and there his grief worsened. That boy, he's the honest type of person, and never lets anything hurt resides inside him. He's ready to shout, and admits many things to those he likes and dislikes. He doesn't hesitate to speak what he wants to say to his abuser, the Blade himself, his own father figure, and his friend.
Despite his brash character, Tubbo's reassured. With the way he acts, he'd know when Tommy would hate him; avoiding him, acts like shit to him, and he'd know when he considers him as his best friend, his sidekick.
His sidekick.
He doesn't have the appetite, but the growling in his stomach says otherwise. Begrudgingly, he grabs one of the potatoes from the fire, and takes a bite of it.
The taste of the potato reaches his tongue. It burns, but it doesn't matter. The moment he tasted it, he wolfed it down and took more, more and more until he had enough.
Sighing, he takes a water bottle and drinks some of it. His rations are surely going down, but what he got is enough to take him around for a few more days,
Should he really go home?
...
Why does he have to listen to that ghost anyway? He's finding Tommy, and that's final.
A sound caused him to widen his eyes and look around, wandering anxiously.
It sounded like a step..of an animal?
A person?
He gets up, straining, and finds his axe, clumsily. Still feeling a bit weak, he takes it up anyway and gets into a striking position.
Was it a delusion? No way, he heard that noise by his own two ears, and his gut told him that he's not alone.
Something or someone's with him.
Indeed, another step was taken and he improved his stance, knowing well that something's about to face him.
A silhouette is seen by the fire, Tubbo squints his eyes to take a closer look, also not giving up with his stance.
Is it a bear? Only a rabbit? No, it's tall, almost scrawny, there's signs of a bushy hair from the shadow.
A person?
"Who's there?" He demands, making his voice deep but he swears he almost had a voice crack from that question. The person stops for a moment, and continues to walk, albeit slowly, almost mechanically.
Finally, the body can be seen without being enveloped by the darkness. Tubbo widens his eyes, seeing a familiar red and white shirt, and khaki pants. That briskly hair, that face, no, it couldn't be.
He lowers his weapon down and his heart almost leaps out of his throat in shock. He's not hallucinating, right? No way, no way that this is only an illusion,
"..Tommy?"
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Author's Note: And here I thought I could publish it yesterday, or am I not late, who knows? Time is weird but relative. Yep. Really lazy of editing chapters but at the same time, tries my best to make every chapter perfect with the best of my abilities. My grammar isn't the greatest, so hopefully I'll improve in time. I will soon place this story to Archive Of Our Own, but I am still unfamiliar with the settings, so it might take a while. Oh yeah, I think I also took a while to deal with this chapter, since it's really difficult to understand grief, and how does a relationship fight look like. I have bad memory, especially when it comes to terrible situations like these, so I don't really remember how to describe it. It's difficult to understand Tubbo's emotions especially, but I still want to place it out here for people to see and read. I tried, even though it might be confusing, as well as Ranboo's logic of not entirely being himself..The Soul and the Mind was still something I have a hard time understanding. Anyway, hope you like it, everyone. Stay safe.