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-Mark-
Any other day, any other hour, I would have reciprocated Kit leaning up to me. I would have reacted in a way I know I would react. But I simply moved my head to the side in avoidance, my hands tightening strongly on Kit's shoulders. I could see the moment his gaze turned into an upset one, confused and all, as his eyes followed mine desperately.
"What.." He began to say, "Why- why did you move?"
"Phi."
I was angry, the hurt filling me up inside. I was really angry, it was almost blinding me. But my heart was a traitor. A damn traitor, as I feel it beat faster for the man staring up at me.
"You can't do this to me." I say.
At first, I could feel that he was pushing strongly against my stubborn hands, but now, his movements subsided, and Kit's hands slowly uncreased away from my shirt.
"You can't just-" My voice was trapped by my own lack of confidence, by my own surge of surfacing hurt, "You can't just come knocking on my door and try to kiss me. Do you understand how I feel right now?"
Kit has gone deathly quiet, his gaze never leaving mine.
"You don't, do you?"
He had released me by now, but his hands were merely hanging by the sides of my shirt, not really holding me.
"You don't understand how I feel, seeing someone that has avoided me all week and wouldn't even reply to my texts and- god, how do you think I coped with that? I sent you texts, I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't even respond. And now, you come to my place, drunk, and how I wish you weren't drunk, and you're trying to kiss me and.."
"Mark, please.." I never heard Kit sound so frail before, "Listen to me."
I shake my head, and he immediately stops his string of words to whatever he wanted to say.
"Not when you're drunk like this, P'Kit." I respond, "And then you'll wake up in the morning and tell me you don't remember? Or that you forgot? No, P'Kit. I can't do it this way. I can't bring myself to listen to you now."
Then, I sighed, taking a step back away from him, and pulling the door further open.
"But you listen to me, Phi, it's late now. It's late and there's no way in hell am I letting you go home alone in this state. Sleep over tonight, and you can leave in the morning."
Kit walked into my room as if on command, not looking at me as he passed.
I mean... at least he listened.
I closed the door, but when I turned around, Kit was already pacing back and forth, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed.
"What... are you doing?" I couldn't stop myself from chuckling lightly at the sight.
"Nothing! I'm walking." Kit muttered.
"It's almost 12."
"I'm aware."
He was beginning to scowl and mutter under his breath, all phrases not making sense to me. They were a jumble of words, as if he was putting on a spell, but then I realize they were curse words. Lots and lots of curse words. He began running his hand through his hair, his stomps getting stronger.
And frankly, I didn't stop him. He was this red mess of curses, stomping, pacing, to the point that I just backed up against my bed and I sat down ungracefully, surrendering. I watched him, warily, ignoring the way my heart was yearning to physically go there and stop him by hugging him real tight.
"...And then, they tell me to stop drinking but I..." I suddenly manage to catch some constructed sentences as Kit visually grew angrier and angrier, "..that little dipshit of a.."
"Phi.." I finally interrupted, "Please, come here and take some rest."
"No."
I really have never experienced being with a drunk Kit. But one thing I already know about a drunk Kit. Is that he's usually bolder. But also, very.. very frustrated.
"No, Mark. I'm not going to rest! How can I handle this rejection of-"
"What rejection?"
"You!" He points an accusing finger to my face, stopping in his tracks, and I catch how he nearly topples to the side but manages to hold himself upright, his voice is drunken, "You refused to kiss me!"
"P'Kit.."
"No, don't P'Kit me, you don't understand!"
I lifted a hand to my temple, for a moment resisting the urge to facepalm. I was torn between either laughing or crying.
"P'Kit, please come to bed."
"I'll only come to bed if you kiss me."
"I'm not going to kiss you."
"Then leave me alone! I'll stand here all night!"
"Fine."
"Fine!"
He glared at me for a hot minute, before he groaned and stomped his foot, beginning to pace again.
"You- you..." I can hear him still muttering and scoffing.
"Listen, I'm going to sleep on the couch." I began to stand up, "Please get into the bed once you're done."
"You don't understand, Mark!" This time, his outburst was loud enough to stop me, "I was pacing, pacing my damn legs off down there at the entrance of your dorm, thinking whether or not I should talk to you!"
"Phi-"
"You don't understand! I was here to admit to you- to confess to you, that lied! I fucking lied on purpose, just so that I can hurt you!"
I couldn't say anything anymore.
"I never, never lie. I'm never afraid to speak my mind, I'm never ever afraid to be honest. You know that better than anyone. I curse you out, I scold you, I'm harsh and uncaring. But hell, Mark, am I so damn afraid? I'm so afraid to talk to you! It scares me like shit because I've never- I've never felt something so intense towards someone and fuck, I don't know what to feel anymore! I'm scared around you, scared out of my damn mind, and I want to hide. You make me feel defenseless, you make me feel exposed, and you make me feel so fucking nervous to the point that I cannot breathe. I don't understand myself, Mark, I'm scared and I'm pushing you away and I know it hurt you. I- I thought if I hurt you, then I would be able to push some sense into my mind and back into my sanity but this whole week I've missed you so damn much. I missed your nagging, your annoying shitty self coming after me just to whine, your stupid little text messages with your stupid stickers and your stupid profile photo and I- I couldn't stop thinking about you, fuck! You jackass, Mark! You fucking jackass!"
At this point, I was back to sitting on the edge of my bed, quiet and unmoving.
"Come here." I had widened my arms.
Kit doesn't even hesitate. He staggers towards me, collapsing in my arms and I hear him cry out in frustration. I feel his arms wrap around my waist, and he's trembling.
"There, there now, Phi. I'm here." I rock him in my arms gently, placing a hand against his back, "Shh.."
"Mark." Kit cries out.
He sounds so tired, so exhausted.
"Come, let's get you warm."
"No! Don't leave me again. Please, Mark!"
"I'm not going anywhere."
I'm tucking him into my blankets and I press a gentle hand against his cheek, feeling his skin.
"I hope you're not coming down with a fever, Phi. You're quite warm. Please sleep."
Kit doesn't say anything, but he's flushed and clearly upset, his hazy eyes unmoving away from mine. He's not saying anything, but I could recognize the pleading look in his gaze. A look of needed assurance.
"I'm not going anywhere. Please take some rest for me. I'm here. I'll be right by your side, okay?"
"Hmm..." He lulls.
When Kit fell asleep that night, it was under my attentive gaze, and I slowly get off the edge of the bed, making sure that he was properly tucked in.
"Goodnight." I whisper.
But Kit's already dozing.
***
That night, I couldn't sleep. I had bought over the desk's chair to Kit's bedside and bundled myself up with a blanket and a book which I read through the faint light of the lamp, but I still couldn't sleep. I was hoping to catch a few hours of sleep, at least, since I had a class at noon. But I simply couldn't. I was reading the book, flipping page after page, my weariness weighing in my eyes but not enough to make me sleep.
So when I did eventually fall asleep, goodness knows what time it was, I was awoken shortly by the sound of Kit groaning. Like a flash, my eyes blinked open, and my gaze directed to the man lying under my covers.
"Phi?" I pull my chair closer and reach out to touch my hand over his bundled self.
"Phone." I see his hand poke out as he pats around at the nightstand, "Where's my phone? What time.."
"It's... 5 AM." I read the clock, "Go back to sleep."
"5 AM? Impossible... I set my alarm to nine."
"You don't have an alarm right now."
There's a few moments of silence before Kit shuffles a little bit, and he sits up, his whole face drowsy. He stares into the open for a moment, before his gaze casts over to me.
"...Mark? What are you.."
It's only now when he begins to stare even more, beginning to focus on other parts of my room.
"Why am I.."
"Do you remember anything, P'Kit? How you got here? About last night?"
"No. No? What happened?" Kit looks concerned and worried as his energy slowly began trickling in, "Why am I here?"
He watches me anxiously as I sit up from my chair, moving over to the sit on the edge of the bed instead.
"You were drunk last night. Do you remember how you... got drunk, in the first place?"
If he was asking, then I was willing to answer. But I would want to start from the beginning.
"I don't think I..." Kit trails off, and I watch his expression warily, "...I got invited to dinner with my friends. Yesterday. They were serving drinks but I refused to drink any. But then I gave in, I drank one, but I needed to drink another. I was forcing myself till I wasn't anymore. And I.. don't remember what happened after that. I was being escorted out.. my friends took me to my dorm..."
Kit was looking more and more panicked as he spoke. And I was certain he had reached a part where he surely, does not remember anything.
"And then you came over to my dorm and knocked on my door." I continued for him.
Kit flinched slightly, and he glanced back at me again, his eyes widening.
"...You flung yourself on me, and you told me that you want me."
"..What?"
"And then you tried to kiss me."
"You're lying."
"I'm not." I was fast to respond, "Why is it so hard to believe me?"
"That's not-"
"Why is the idea of wanting to kiss me so hard to believe?"
I wasn't raising my voice, but it was so dead quiet in the room, and dead quiet outside in the halls, it felt like I was. I just about shriveled down again, moving my gaze away from the man who was hurting me. I couldn't look at him, for my heart will betray me again.
"You lied."
I'm losing myself again.
"You told me that you forgot. But you lied." I further accused.
I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, and I never realized that this time, it actually hurt.
"I missed you so much, P'Kit, I don't even have the words to describe it. You hurt me, but I missed you like hell. You came to my dorm, you confessed to me. And do you know what you confessed? You confessed that you lied. You lied to me so that you can hurt me. And I must applaud you, for it did hurt. So damn much, but I don't think you cared."
Kit was just staring at me now, his hands clutching at the sheets on either side.
"I wasn't even hurt that you told me you forgot. I was hurt that you lied. I had this... gut feeling, this churning in my stomach like I'm about to throw up- that your answer was a lie. And it was. But I left before I could argue with you. Because, P'Kit, no matter how much I try. No matter how much I want you to feel the same, even a little fraction of the emotions I feel right now, I can never bring myself to hurt you."
I'm fine now, right? I'm fine.
"I can't blame you. You never, ever blamed me when I was out of it two weeks ago. Why is it okay for me to blame you? You're my Phi, you're my senior, and you're the man who I... admire the most. Even if you come here at a dead hour of the night, even if you cling to me and try to kiss me, even if you confess to me that you couldn't stop thinking about me. Can I blame you?"
I can feel heat prickling at the back of my eyes.
"I can't, P'Kit. I cherish you so much."
I hear him shuffling with the sheets, and it doesn't take too long for me to realize that he's trying to get closer to me. But I don't even look at him.
"I wished you were sober. I felt like a fool, sitting there and looking at you and wishing you were sober. Phi, I don't know if you want me in your life anymore, but please, please tell me. Be honest with me. Please don't lie to me. Please don't tell me that you want me when in the end you're pushing me away."
The mattress dips slightly as Kit gets even closer to me, and this time, I can't help but look. I don't resist, I lift my head to look at him. He was on his hands and knees, moving out of the covers, but suddenly stops and sits quietly, his glazed eyes looking the softest they've ever been.
But who am I kidding? Kit's eyes are always so soft. That's why I always say he has pretty eyes. I don't exaggerate.
When I don't say anything, Kit moves even closer, until he's now sitting at the edge of the bed as I am, our thighs almost touching. He places his hand next to mine, but they don't make contact, no matter how much I wanted them to.
I can't do anything, nor can I even think, if Kit doesn't answer me.
"Did you forget?" I ask.
I don't even go further into the details. I know he understands me.
"No." Kit's answer is immediate.
"Did you ever think about me?"
Kit hesitates with his answer, but I'm only holding my breath as I stare at my lap.
"Yes."
"Do you want me?"
My heart was beating really fast, I thought that closing my eyes will stop it from doing so. But nothing can. Nothing can stop it once it started, especially when the very reason is sitting inches away from me. I don't even realize that I'm crying, not until I feel the silent tears rolling down my face. I breathe out, exhaling a shaky gasp for air.
"Do you want me, P'Kit?" I repeat, "As a friend, or as a Nong, or as whoever you want me to be. Do you want me?"
Please, please.. be honest with me.
I feel his hand inch closer, and I can feel his fingers settling over my own. I know he wanted me to look at him. But am I a coward?
"P'Kit." I cry silently, looking at him now.
I don't know anymore.
I feel Kit's hand on my face. His thumb brushes below my eye, and he wipes my tears away.
"Mark." He says, and this is the first time he ever spoke.
I brace myself for impact. I can't recognize the beats of my heart pounding for him or against him.
"Mark, look at me for a moment."
He's speaking, but his voice is trembling. Any other day, I wouldn't force him to tell me. I wouldn't insist, so much, to the point that I know he's fighting against himself. I knew it already, it was the nature of Kit to not say things sometimes. But right now, I needed his answer. A word from him can either stop me or keep me going. I needed to know.
I look at him.
I really look at him, this handsome, pretty man sitting next to me.
"...What is it, P'Kit?"
He looks hesitant. I recognize how his eyes are wavering, as if he's trying to do everything to keep his eye contact with me. His bottom lip is slightly trembling, and his Adam's apple moves apprehensively in his throat.
"Even if I lie to you, I can't lie to myself too. It's not fair." His hand drops away from my face, "I- I can't..."
He's stammering and fumbling for words, but he finally takes a breath, short but it's effective.
"I can't lie, Mark. Even if I'm trying to sympathize with your feelings, I can't lie. Not anymore. Not right now."
"I don't understand." I say, just like that, "What is there to lie about? It doesn't matter if you say no, just please, be honest with me."
"There's something I wanted to do back when we were at the infirmary together." Kit interrupts me, "I don't... I don't know if that can be an answer.. to your question, without me saying anything."
"I know, Phi, that it's hard for you to say anything at all. And I want to understand you when you don't. How can we proceed with our relationship if we can't communicate or at least understand one another?"
"What relationship, Mark?" Kit blurt out.
"Phi-" I raised a hand to my head, running my fingers through my hair, "That is not the highlight of my words. I don't understand why you're afraid if I bring up relationships or kissing when we aren't even together! I just- don't get me wrong, but I just don't think it matters."
"I think it matters, Mark, because I couldn't stop thinking about you."
Kit sounds breathless as he looks at me, his gaze carrying more intensity than I could perceive.
"I..." He continues, when I don't say anything, "I don't understand what it is myself, Mark. I don't have labels, nor do I have the words to express it. But I want you to be okay with that. That I don't... understand what this is, right now. Maybe I will understand in the future, but right now I can't. No matter how hard I try."
He stares down at his lap for a moment, his thumb picking at the palm of his hand.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I did it for selfish reasons. I was..." Kit breaks off into a dry chuckle as he looks into space for a moment, "...Sometimes, I feel like I want to run away."
When he looks at me, I see the nervousness in his eyes.
"Do you still feel like you want to run away?"
Kit nods once, but he doesn't say anything else.
"I... I see." I stammer, and there's awkwardness falling upon me, "Look, Phi, I understand. I really do. If you want some space, if you want some time, I am willing to fulfill that. Just.. please let me know in advance. Let me know, and I will step back. I will stop."
"But I don't-" Kit voice cuts off as it brims with sudden insecurity, and he stops.
"What, Phi? Please, talk to me."
"I don't want you to step back. I just- this has nothing to do with you. It's me, Mark. I'm the pathetic one here."
He seems to be collecting his breath, and Kit's eyes are as vivid as ever.
"I make you promise not to talk about that weekend but then I-" He breaks off into a stutter, "I-"
Oh, P'Kit.
"I'm sorry. It's very hard for me to talk like this, I've never- I'm not usually like this, and you know it. I don't understand myself. It's all fucking stupid-"
I recognize his expression now. The same confusion, fear, and hesitance, spreading over his features. And as much as I wanted him to talk to me, as much as I wanted to know what goes on in his mind, it was not worth losing him over.
"How did we... get here? You're in my life right now, Mark, as a friend, as a Nong, as whoever- and I can't push you out even if I tried, which I did. I tried to push you out, but fuck, how has that made everything so much more worst? I've already known that you're persistent, even if you aren't the one chasing after me."
"I am. I am really persistent. I already told you back during our study sessions, I've begun to grow a deep interest in you and-"
"Don't, finish, that."
"What? All I'm saying is that I- well, you caught my eye since day one."
"Why couldn't it stay that way?" Kit muttered.
"What..?"
He then said something else under his breath, which I couldn't catch.
"What was that?"
"..Why couldn't it have been just you? Why did you have to drag me into this mess where I- dammit, Mark, I had to drink myself drunk because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I hate it. I hate feeling so defenseless." Kit suddenly stood up, and he was making his way towards the window, looking out into the early view, "I hate it, Mark."
"It scares you."
Kit turned to face me, his back against the windows and his fists by his sides, "It does. I tried everything. I tried every damn thing- to push you away, to ignore you, to avoid you. But you- you just- I didn't want to-"
He takes a deep, frustrated breath.
"I didn't know what to do. You don't understand, Mark, I've never, never experienced this before. What do you expect me to do? It's not everyday that I kiss someone and then kiss them again and then do stuff with them and then- shit, look how insane I sound like just talking about it. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? I don't have labels. And what we did after the weekend, I was embarrassed. I already apologized to you and I told you that I'm sorr-"
"No, P'Kit, you ran off before I could tell you so, but I don't accept your apology." I interrupt, standing up to meet his steady gaze, "You don't understand. I'm the one who sounds insane here. I was happy that you even allowed me to spend that moment with you in the first place. Why are you apologizing? I wanted us to talk so that I can assure you but you just left and.. I really understand, truly, if you were overwhelmed. But for goodness sake, please don't apologize."
"I feel so damn ashamed!"
"Don't be."
I'm reaching out to him, gently clasping my hands over his arms. And to the contrary of what I expected, he didn't flinch away.
"I- I was happy, Phi. I promise. When did I ever lie to you?"
Kit breathes deeply, and he's looking up into my eyes, swarms of worry clouding his gaze.
"But I.." I trail off into a soft hush of my tone, "I can't lie to myself either. I am overwhelmed."
I let my hand trail up to his neck, and my thumb just about brushes ghostly taps against his skin.
"And this right here.. I wanted to kill him, you know?"
"You can't get into more trouble." Kit just about cracks a smile and I catch it, "Don't be a troublemaker. It's not flattering."
"It's not?" I raise my brow, but my heart is beating fast again. I was already standing close to Kit, but now, I was beginning to analyze him when he spoke.
"No."
"Really."
Please keep yourself in control, Mark. This isn't-
"I don't like troublemakers." Kit suddenly pushes himself away from the window, and he sways away from me, his gaze lingering on my eyes for longer than I expected. He almost circles me, but he was moving gracefully, almost cat-like, "They tend to be really irresponsible. And messy. And chaotic."
"I know my room isn't the cleanest right now but you really didn't have to insult me this way, Phi, I'm hurt." I follow his gaze as he moves around me. I'm getting dizzy. So when I stop him by yanking at his sleeve, Kit looks startled, "You really remind me of the moon, sometimes. Quite literally."
Kit smiles briefly, pretty and small, but it disappears as fast as it appears, and he doesn't say anything.
We look at each other for a second, before Kit finally pulls himself away from my grip, breaking his gaze.
"I have to go back home. I have a class to get ready for and I want to shower before it. I really appreciate you having me stay over, Mark. I don't know what could have happened."
"W- wait."
Kit stops immediately, glancing at me with a flushed look.
"What is it?"
I reached out, and I'm holding him by the hip. I hear Kit shortly exclaim, but he's pulled flush to my body, and he's looking up at me, his eyes slightly widened. His breathing goes higher and I exhale shortly, feeling him raise against me, intakes of air quickened. His hand is against my chest, stopping me, or urging me, I didn't know.
"Sorry, P'Kit, but I.."
I can't let him go without doing this, I can't hold back. For once, I am unable to hold back.
I'm almost brushing my lips against his, not touching, but briefly leaving a ghostly imprint. Kit exhales and he's leaning up towards me, eyelashes fluttering and lips parted.
"We shouldn't do this." He murmurs, and his eyes leave my mouth as he looks at me, his eyes so mesmerizing, "Mark.."
"Is that what you want?" I ask, openly.
An answer from him and I'm willing to heed to it.
But Kit's pulling me by my waist, as he leans closer and kisses me on the lips. I hear him sigh breathlessly when he pulls back, and then he kisses me again, desperate and yearning, all lips and mouth.
I think this is when I lost my mind.
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●○● A/N: 06.05.22 Kit... you really like him, don't you? Admit it. also- mark and kit FINALLY talked. they didn't go through everything but.. baby steps, right? just not for too long. c;