Moon Lovers|VKooK FF
Author :WingsOfMyHeartbeat WingOfMyHeartbeat
Reviewer : TaesLilKookie
Title : 4/5
The title suits the story really well. You did a great job with that one.
Cover : 8/10
Your cover is pretty and conveys the concept of the story well. The only thing I would like to point out is that the story mostly revolves around Taehyung and mostly told from his pov, so it would have made more sense to have him in the cover than Jungkook or you could have done both of them, but that is really up to you)
Blurb : 3/10
The blurb wasn't exactly bad, just that it was missing a few fundamental aspects and not to mention misleading. For starters, it was a little too short, and barely told me anything about the story, just the dynamic of the enemies-to-lover's trope.
Secondly, the first paragraph, "Jeon Jungkook is a true blood alpha , well thats what people think . His rival Kim Taehyung , an alpha suddenly became his top priority . " The first line here is fine, but the second line is where the misleading happens. This line gives the feeling not of a mating bond, but rather Taehyung becoming Jungkook's priority even before they figure out they are each other's mates. (Also on a side-note, the punctuation here is not correct, there should be a comma after alpha).
As for the quote, it's not a direct quote from the story. Quite frankly I never got the sense that Taehyung ever seriously felt such anger towards Jungkook throughout the entire story, or more so before they found out they were mates. So the issue here is either this was the route the story was supposed to take and you didn't write it give the proper impression or this was a fancy piece added to attract the reader (wouldn't really blame you for that one as people rarely every remember the blurb).
First Impression : 2/5
The cover is pretty, the title really attractive and the blurb somewhat okay. However, the moment I opened the first chapter I wanted to run away screaming (an exaggeration, but true). The reason? All those bold sentences for dialogue. I'm going to explain this better under writing style, so for now I will leave it at that.
Plot : 13/20
I have read a fair share of werewolf stories but how the dynamics work (other than Alpha, Beta, Omega and Luna), I'm not fully sure as it seems to depend on who's writing. The plot was something I had never come across before and was a really interesting read. That is not to say it was great. Sure it was a thrilling read, but the plot isn't the only thing that counts for a good reading experience and while your plot was interesting the execution of it was done poorly. As we go through i'll explain where you are going wrong, but plot-wise, I think you have done a good job. The twists were unexpected but thought out really well, and didn't just hit suddenly out of nowhere. The foreshadowing for most incidents were done well too.
Flow : 3/10
You had a fluctuating flow. There were places where the flow was good and engaging and places where the flow was next to none. It's mostly in the starting chapter where the flow was mainly lacking.
However this is something that I really have to say, don't leave emoji's and author notes in the middle of the story. The reason for this is that you are breaking the flow of your story yourself. When reading, the reader is immersed in the story, they are drawn into the world you have created with your words, don't pull them out of that with a stark reminder that they are not living in your world with your characters, don't pull them out of the story with irrelevant content. I found the pictures distracting as well, but at least they can be utilized as a visual aid, so it wasn't enough for me to take away marks.
Grammar and Vocabulary : 8/10
While I wouldn't exactly call it perfect, your grammar and vocabulary is both really good. Easy to read and understand. You conveyed the correct meaning for the words and the scenes and i couldn't really find a lot of fault in here.
Emotions : 2/10
A critical element that can help you with both the flow of your story and at the same time connect your characters to your reader was missing. Showing vs. Telling the story. You had hardly used the five senses to explain actions or emotions the characters were feeling. A reader doesn't want to know that your character is angry, show the character's anger by them seeing red, them clenching their fists and gritting their teeth. Show it to your reader by saying how the characters blood boiled. Show don't tell your story.
Character Development : 2/10
This is supposed to be an enemies to lovers story and I hardly ever saw proof of that in the story. Other than the initial fight that made their packs merge, Jungkook and taehyung really haven't been fighting. I mean yes, they bickered, kind of, and when Taehyung dropped Jungkook's snow globe it wasn't really intentional and was mostly a misunderstanding, so yeah not really enemies to lovers there. Now, the reason I say there was no real development is because the character all just moved on from things. Like if Taekook aren't people who generally get along, then a mating isn't just gonna erase all they had done to each other in the past.
It wasn't just Taekook, literally no one left an impression on me, other than Taekook I can't remember the role a single other character played, unfortunately not even the other BTS members and the only reason I even remember Taekook is because they are the main characters.
Heres the thing, I'm gonna be really frank with you when I say this, you have an unnecessary large cast with bigger subplots that you hadn't worked well into the story. None of them were either thought out or fleshed out well. For example, when the crescent twilight pack moved into the scarlet lunar pack and three pairs found their mates, all at once in the same manner at the same time. This left me with no impression of who got mated to who and for a b/b story their were way too many hetero pairs. Even finding their mates was just boring and didn't really make me go 'aww, they are so cute together, I wanna route for them'. What I felt most was indifference and I just didn't even care who got mated to whom I just wanted to move along with the story, not know about all these couples i don't know anything about finding their mates.
My question to you is why? Why should I route for any of these side characters who are just there for the sake of being their? But most importantly, ask yourself this. Is it really necessary to have all these characters to be part of the story? Do they serve a purpose to moving the plot along? Are they adding something to the plot or story as a whole? What is their purpose for being in the story? Because personally i believe you could have omitted out of using most of the female characters and you have gotten the same results.
Writing style : 4/10
So the first thing I wanna talk about here is the bold lettering for where people talk.
Why? Just really, why? What is wrong with normal lettering and simply adding ' or " (speak marks) at the end and start of what a person is saying?
The bold letters are just standing out and as I said earlier, made me want to run away screaming the moment I opened the story. Not only is it distracting, but also a serious eye-sore. It looks super tacky and just plain unprofessional. It screams work done by an amature writer, which most of your writing suggests otherwise. You have good structure, you just need to improve a lot in the emotional department, but otherwise you are doing a god job.
So please, please change the bold letters to normal and add speech marks instead. It's simple and enough and not a bold statement where a reader's whole focus needs to be on.
Reader's Enjoyment : 3/5
I'm not a big fan of vottom fics, but this plotline was good, as long as you work on fleshing out the characters a little more and maybe reducing the too large cast (or embing them into the story in a way they would have more relevance for) would do wonders. Also final reminder, fix those bold letters.
Overall : 52/100