cw/tw - schizophrenia, mention of pills, self harm
~ technos pov ~
it was all getting to much. he was in my ear and wouldn't leave, they were dancing around and singing but he was the one i could hear the most. my old foster carer, it had been almost decade and he still hadn't left. what would it take for him to leave?
"get out!" i shout.
'they don't want you techno but i do, listen to me'
"no! leave, leave now!" i raise my voice even more.
'i'm your real family techno believe me not them'
these voices had been bothering me all day but as i got home they got worse, i have stopped taking my pills so that's probably the reason but i didn't like them so why would i take them?
the voices were there and so were the people, they were all around my room. no matter where i looked they were there and wouldn't leave, i begged and begged but they wouldn't leave no matter how hard i tried.
"techno?" i heard dads voice but i couldn't tell if it was in my head or not.
"dad?" i call out, my eyes blurred slightly from the tears forming making it hard to make out what's going on.
"yeah i'm here mate, you taken your pills?" i shake my head as i see his figure come closer to me.
by now i was having a full on panic attack, my breath was speeding up as my eyes were full of tears and i felt my hands shake, i don't like when people see me like this. especially my dad, i know he's here to help but i don't want it. i feel vulnerable when i'm see like this, after it i feel like i'm seen differently and pitied.
"techno, you've gotta breathe with me" i nod and try to listen to him but the voices were still there while the figures had disappeared a while ago.
'don't listen to him techno, listen to me'
"GET OUT! GET OUT!" i begin to hit the the side of my head trying to get them away.
"techno listen to me"
'don't techno, i know what's best for you'
'listen to me'
"get away from me" i back into the corner of the room as dad just stands there and watches, he knows how to deal with me usually but this was worse than i'd ever had before.
"techno you need to listen to me, you'll be fine just let me come closer and i can help you"
"no no no no" i repeated "get away, you won't help me"
"alright i'll stay here, i'll be back in a minute"
'good job techno, you got him away'
i sit there scratching away at my arms, i saw red coming through my white sleeves and that wasn't a good sign. my cuts had re opened and dad had probably saw them so god knows where he went.
after i don't even know how long, dad came back and he was on the phone which wasn't a good sign "can i come closer techno?"
the voices were telling me not to but i wanted to say yes but instead of doing anything or giving him an answer i just sat there silently while rubbing my arm up and down my arm liking the way they stung. the voices had calmed down slightly but not a lot, i wasn't seeing them anymore which was a plus in some ways i guess.
"techno can i see your arms?" he asked stepping closer to me pushing the phone between his shoulder and ear to make sure it wouldn't fall.
i do nothing once again except extend my arms out for him, there was no use in hiding it from him as i knew he had already seen the crimson red marks on my forearm.
"yeah alright" he spoke to someone on the phone "techno i'm gonna put some pressure on your arm alright? it might hurt but it'll stop the bleeding"
"i'm sorry dad" i mumble.
"it's not your fault techno don't be silly, the ambulance is almost here mate"
"what?" i begin to panic, i never liked hospitals "no dad i can't go to hospital!"
"i'm sorry techno i have to, it's for the best"
as i was speaking my speech began to slur and black spots covered my vision before i was gone completely.