June 7th, 1998
Syn
"Matilda," I called as she buttoned up my shirt. She looked at me when I called her name and I looked around the room. I called her just to see if she would answer. I didn't really have a question.
"You need to stop doing that," she warned me. "People get annoyed when they're called for no reason."
"Annoyed?" She poked my arm and made silly faces and sounds. This was a situation I recognized that I was supposed to laugh, but I didn't know how. I tried before in a mirror, and I just looked like a robot doing it while everyone else looked...normal. "Am I supposed to be feeling anything?" She continued poking me and my brows furrowed. What is wrong with her? I didn't mind her company, but right now I wanted her gone.
She pointed at the crinkle in my forehead with a big smile "Ah-ha!"
"What?" She just ignored me and continued fixing my shirt and I raised a brow for her to tell me what she pointed out. "Matilda, what is it?" My question went unanswered once again and I let out a breath that fell out of my mouth when she wasn't answering. "Matil—"
"There you go," she said.
"What is it?!" I questioned in a louder tone than before.
"Why are you yelling at me, Syn?"
"Because you're not answering my question."
"These little discoveries you have give me hope about your future, young one," she whispered. "Don't let anyone tell you that's you're less than them because you don't understand everything, Syn. Be who you are, and I believe that you will make quite the exceptional young man."
"You still haven't answered me," I muttered.
"Annoyance, Syn. That's how annoyance and frustration feel. It's like a rubber band that just stretches and stretches. When I kept poking you and ignoring you, it stretched. It started to reach its limit...so then you yelled at me."
"Ohhh," I nodded. "I understand now." She smiled and kissed the top of my head before tying my shoes, but I still had one more question. "What happens if it snaps?"
"Hmm?"
"The rubber band, what will happen if it snaps?"
"Only bad things, Syn. The rubber band doesn't only apply to annoyance, but anger as well. What just happened between in was a small rubber band, but in the real world, the rubber bands are much bigger and a lot less stretchy. If those snap...people will get hurt. We don't want that, right?"
"Right."
"So whenever you feel like your rubber band is being stretched, I NEED for you to walk away. Remove yourself from the situation and snap back, understand me?"
"I understand." She smiled and ruffled my hair at my words and my usual questions surfaced in my mind; why is she smiling? Is it a sad one, or a happy one?...
The door to the room opened before I could ask her, and I looked to see Felix walk in. He ran to my side and shook my arm. "Syn, I want to show you something cool! Come with me!"
Matilda moved to let me hop off the table and I let Felix pull me to the door. "Syn," Matilda called slowly. I stopped walking to look at her and she crossed her arms. "What do you say when you leave people?"
"Bye, Mattie." She nodded with a small smile and I let Felix tug me down the halls. "Where are we going?" He giggled and ignored my question as we continued running. We traveled down the stairwell and out of the palace to the garden.
"Look at that!" He pointed at a large box sitting on the floor. I looked at it blankly, trying to figure out what it was, but nothing came to mind. "They're fireworks, Syn!"
"Fire-works...?"
"Haven't you ever seen them?! They're so cool!" He walked towards the small box and pulled out what looked like a small rocket with a long stick at the end of it. "Let's do one."
He wiggled his eyebrows and I pieced together that this wasn't going to end well.
"Felix!" A couple of his friends called from the shed near the garden. "Are we doing it?" I stayed quiet as Felix talked to them. I told him they didn't like me, but he never believed me when I told him the things they'd say to me. He still insisted that they had to get along with me because I was his brother.
Felix pulled my arm and we ran over to them. "Okay let's do this!" They opened the door to the shed and they all walked in together. I however, stayed back and looked around. I wasn't sure that these so-called "fireworks" did, and I didn't like doing new things. I needed to know something in and out to be able to do it.
"Are you coming in?" One of his friends, Chadley asked. I didn't know why he was speaking to me considering he said he hated me. He always spit his gum into my hair at school, and when I got home, Felix just told me to tell Mother that I cut my hair for no reason. She wouldn't ask any more questions, so I assumed it wasn't that big of a deal.
"No."
"Dude," his other friend whined. "Just come inside, you're going to get us in trouble!" He looked at me and waited for a reply and when I didn't say anything he threw his arms up. "Your brother is a weirdo."
Felix sighed and shook his head at me. "Can you just not be embarrassing for once, Syn? Just come in, nothing will happen." I was going to shake my head no once again until a servant called Felix. "I'll be right back, guys."
As he left the shed and walked to the palace, he bumped his shoulder into mine. His friends giggled as they whispered in each other's ears and I was left to wonder what they were talking about. I also wondered if I'd ever have a friend like Felix had. They were all so close, and I wanted to see how it felt to have someone like that.
"Hey, freak!" Chadley called as his friend snickered. I ignored him and crossed my arms as they both stepped out of the shed. "Did you know that's it's your dad's fault that bad people exist?"
"Yeah!" His friend agreed. "My dad told me that your dad kills people!" He walked up to me and stabbed a finger against my chest. I had to look up at both of them as they crowded around me and shoved me to the floor. "You stabbed our friend with a pencil in class, freak! Do you know what that means?"
"What?"
"That you're going straight to Hell with your loser dad." They laughed together and I lifted my dirty hand from the muddy floor. Matilda was going to be upset that I managed to get so dirty after only minutes of being outside.
"My dad isn't a loser," I said. "He's better than yours." My words seemed to upset both of them because they looked at one another before glaring at me. They each grabbed one of my arms and carried me to the shed. "Let me go." I tried to get away from them, but they were stronger. They threw me onto the floor of the shed and quickly closed the door, leaving me alone. The small room was pitch dark except for a few slits of light peeking through the ceiling.
I laid on my back and looked up at them. I didn't mind being where I was right now. My best moments were ones where I was alone, in complete darkness, accompanied by my only friend; myself. I heard laughing outside, but I ignored it and closed my eyes. A few seconds later, the door opened and a couple of items were thrown to the floor. I sat up quickly to see three of what looked like the firework thing they had, scattered across the floor of the shed.
A flame from one of them burned me and I winced before backing up into the wall. "Felix!" I called as the fireworks burned brighter. I jumped when a flame ignited from one, but almost immediately after a loud bang followed and a scorching pain hit me all over my body. I opened my eyes and looked around frantically to see colorful lights in the smoky room. Another few loud bangs followed that one and I screamed as they burned my skin.
As my clothes set fire, I screamed...yet I didn't know why.
꧁꧂
October 31, 2021
Memories of that day in the shed flooded my mind as the sound of the fireworks outside ensued. It was all I could hear and I could visually see Xavier tried to call out to me, but I couldn't hear him. What felt like a knife went through my chest and I coughed as my hand flew to my chest. I tried to close my eyes to calm myself down, but it was useless.
Every time my eyes closed, I was back in the shed being pierced continuously with the heat. I remember feeling as though electricity was zapping me at every turn. It hurt of course, but the pain wasn't the only factor that traumatized me. That happened to be the first time where I was forced into a situation where I had to abandon everything I believed I knew about myself.
It was the first time I truly felt as though I was a stranger to myself. I couldn't tell if I was in pain physically or emotionally...or both. Whenever I tried to pinpoint it, there was another bang to disprove every belief.
"Syn," Xavier called out once again. "Hey, you're having a panic attack and I need you to breathe, okay?" I nodded quickly and he laid a hand on my back as I hunched over in the chair. "Take in a deep breath, and let it out. Whatever it is that's troubling you, is not reality right now, Syn. So think and take it in, and on your exhales I need you to push out those worries and any anxiety you have. You're in your room, I'm here, and you're safe."
He guided me through my breathing and as I calmed down, shame began to wash over me. I always prided myself on being a brick wall. No matter the pressure or circumstance, I wouldn't crack or fall down. Now here I was, struggling to breathe over something so insignificant as fireworks.
At this very moment, all I could do and think about was whose fault this was, the person responsible for me falling apart. Queen. Before I met her, I had all these memories yet I was completely unaffected by them. They were nothing more than memories that had no effect on me. But after her, after I fell for her, love wasn't the only thing I began to feel.
My nightmares didn't start until she dropped the emotional barrier I held around myself. Now when I'd think about the past, it was terrifying. Moments that used to mean nothing kept me up at night and plagued my dreams. When she was here, they were worth putting up with if it meant that my heart would be so full of love for her to drown it out.
But she was gone.
When I was completely fine in the chair, I ran my hand down my face and sat back. I knew Xavier probably had more questions than I was ready to answer, but I wasn't exactly sure I could handle it all. "Syn..." he said.
I looked over in his direction and he seemed at a loss for words. He ran his hand through his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose. His knee bounced and I readied myself for the overload of questions. He turned to me and took a deep breath before speaking.
"Please tell me one day," he said lowly, his eyes brimming with tears. I looked away from his and cleared my throat before sitting up. "Syn, I'm so serious right now. I don't mind waiting, but one day I need to know what's going on. You already know everything about m—"
"Okay," I nodded to get him to drop the subject. "I'll tell you one day." I said it to calm his worries but I knew deep down. And I'm sure that he knew as well...
One day would never come.
꧁꧂
Author's Note
The rest of the 10 chapters will be out tomorrow. This felt like a good place to leave off😔. These past couple of chapters we got to see some of what makes Syn "Syn"...how are we feeling? Do we like or hate the insight into his past🧍🏾♀️
Lmk your thoughts ✨