(Trigger warning: self harm)
Emily's POV:
I reached out and when I felt the empty spot my eyes shot open. I felt the sheets but they were cold to the touch, meaning they had been empty a while. Still groggy I scanned the room for JJ. I looked at the clock, it read 10:52.
I heard humming coming from the kitchen so I stood up and walked out. The scene I saw was one I'd like to keep forever. JJ had her headphones in while making breakfast, softly humming along to the music.
I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around her waist. She leaned back a little into me.
"Good morning, how'd you sleep" she asked.
"I slept good, how about you?"
"I also slept good. Now go to a seat the food is about to be done" JJ says.
I walk around the counter and take a seat at one of the barstools. I watched as JJ finished the food and then made our plates.
She joined me on the stools and we sat there enjoying each other's company.
When we were done she asked, "how was the food?"
"It was lovely, darling" I tell her.
"Not as good as your, but I try"
I smiled softly and took both our plates. I washed them and then I joined JJ on the couch.
"We should probably go shopping. We are out of eggs and pancake mix. And we need a few other things" JJ tells me.
"I will go soon"
"I could come with?" JJ says.
"No it's fine. I'll be quick. An hour at most. And in the meantime you could do some laundry" I say with pleading eyes. She knows I hate doing the laundry so she nods.
"Fine you go to the store and I will do the laundry. I made a list of things we need" she tells me.
"Then I will go get ready and then go to the store"
"Okay"
I walk back into the bedroom and change into some casual clothing. I grab the keys and head out.
JJ's POV:
Emily leaves and I start gathering the laundry. About 5 minutes later I hear a knock at the door. 'Did Emily forget something?' I think.
I walk over to the door and open it. I don't look at who's at the door while I walk away because I figure it was Em.
"Do you forget something Em?"
"Who's Em?" Sandy asks.
"Mom?"
"Hi Jennifer"
"I didn't expect you to be here. I thought my friend forgot something"
"Why is your friend here at 11:30 in the morning?"
"She lives with me. It's a long story that I don't feel like explaining right now. Basically she left the country and when she came back the landlord gave her apartment to someone else so she didn't have a place. So I let her move in" I explain to my mom.
"But you only have one bedroom. Does she sleep on the couch, while she looks for other places?" My mother asks.
"No she doesn't sleep on the couch, she sleeps in my bed with me. And no she isn't looking for other places. At least I don't think she is"
"Well that's weird don't you think? Two women sharing a bed together. What if she's a homosexual" my mom says while whispering the last part.
I try to not yell at her. "I don't think it's weird. She's just a friend who needed a place. And it's not like we haven't shared a bed before. We are the only two women on the team. So we always share rooms and sometimes we can't get two beds. And neither of us mind sharing a bed"
"You never know what people might think. You don't want people to think you like women" she says harshly.
"I don't care what people think"
"Well you should"
We walk into the kitchen together. She sat at one of the stools while I finished the dishes.
"Could I get you something to eat or to drink. We have some leftovers"
"No I'm good for right now" my mom says.
"So how long are you staying in town for" I ask.
"I'm not sure yet"
I really hope it isn't long.
"Whatever happened to all that weight you lost in high school. You looked a lot better then" she says.
I try to keep the tears from falling in front of her so I put on my old communication liaison mask that I perfected. "I gained some of the weight back"
"I can see that. I thought you liked being skinny. Men don't like 'big' girls" she says.
I don't respond, instead I just finish the dishes. I start to walk away so I can do the laundry.
"Where are you going?" She asks.
"I have to do the laundry. I'll be back in a second"
I grab the laundry basket and head to the laundry room in our building. It's a nice room. Pretty expensive machines. In here I finally let myself cry. I cry while I start the first load. I quickly wipe my tears and head back upstairs.
"You were gone for a while" she says. It was only 20 minutes.
"Yeah well it takes some time walking up and down. And I had to wait for one of the machines to be open" that was a half lie.
"So do you want something to drink? Coffee?"
"Sure" she says.
I walk back into the kitchen and I reach up into the cabinet for a mug. While doing this my sleeve dropped down a bit and my mom saw my scar.
"What the hell is that from? Did you try to kill yourself?" She asks.
I quickly drop my hand back down and pull the sleeve down as well. I don't even dare to look at her so instead I start her coffee.
"Your a coward just like your sister. Trying to take the easy way out like always. Your just as stupid and worthless as if you were 11 years old again"
I had enough. I quickly run into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. 'Did she really just say that? Did she really just call Ros a coward for killing herself?' I can't do this right now I need a release. I see the razor sitting on the bathtub ledge. 'It's easy to break' a voice says.
I grab the razor and break it apart like I normally do. I grab a single blade out and pulled down my pants so my thighs are exposed. I sit down on the floor and take the blade. I put the blade on my thigh and start cutting until I see the lovely color of red.
'You need to cut for every single thing she said' a voice tells me.
She called me a coward. 1
She called Ros a coward. 2
She called me worthless. 3
She called me stupid. 4
She said I needed to lose weight after trying to get better. 5
She hates gay people. And I'm a bisexual women who is in love with a women. 6
She completely forgot about me after Ros died. 7
She made my childhood hell. 8
Emily's POV:
I got all the stuff from the store that JJ needed. I got back home and started walking towards the elevator.
I finally reached our floor and started to walk into the apartment. I opened the door with the groceries in hand. I don't see JJ but I do see a women sitting at the counter drinking something. I set the groceries down.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"I'm sandy. Jennifer's mother" Oh shit. JJ told me how it is never good when her mom is around. Where is JJ?
"I'm Emily. Where's JJ"
"She still goes by that silly nickname. She's in the bathroom. We were talking and then she ran off"
Oh god no. Please don't mean what I think it does. "You need to leave" I tell her.
"What? She's my daughter I'm not going anywhere"
"And I live here. So you need to leave" I tell her again with aggression clear in my voice.
"Fine. I'll go. Tell Jennifer to call me"
She walks out of the apartment and I lock the door behind her. I walk over to the bathroom and knock on the door. "JJ, it's Emily. Your mom left so it's just me and you. Can you open the door?"
"Go away. I want to be left alone" she tells me.
"JJ you know I won't do that. So please let me in"
I hear her moving across the floor and then I hear the lock click open. I wait a second before opening the door and walking in.
I open the door and see JJ sitting on the floor crying with blood on the ground and a razor in her right hand.
"JJ darling, what happened?" I ask as I crouch down to her level.
"My-my mom"
"What did she do?" I ask.
"She called Ros a coward. F-for killing herself"
"I'm so sorry JJ. Your sister was not a coward. She was strong, but she just couldn't fight anymore. Sometimes even the strongest people lose their battles with life" I tell her.
"She said some other things"
"What did she say?" I ask even more worried.
"She called me worthless and stupid as if I was 11 years older all over again. She also asked why I gained weight again after high school. She said I looked better back then"
"JJ your beautiful. Your weight doesn't matter. Your still barely at a healthy weight as it is. You don't need to lose weight"
"I know. I'm really trying Emily"
"I know you are, and I'm so proud of you"
"How can you be proud of me. Your standing in my own blood right this second"
"Because I know that you are trying so hard. And I know you didn't mean for this to happen. You were doing amazing and you will again. Can you give me the blade?" I ask processing with caution. I never asked her to do this before, I don't know how she will react.
"No!"
"Why not?"
"There needs to be groups of 3. There needs to be. You can't take this from me!"
"Okay, okay" This is important to JJ. I can't take it right now. If I take it when she hasn't completed what she needs to she could get worse. I need to let her even if it breaks my heart to see. I want to take it from her so badly but I can't. I stare at her with sad eyes as she brings the blade back up to her thigh and cuts one more time. She goes deeper with this one then the others. Probably because I'm in the room now. I watch her leg start to bleed even more.
"Now can I take it?" I ask.
She hesitates before dropping the blade into my hand. I stand up and put the blade on the sink.
"Can I touch you?" I ask. She nods. So I grab her hands and help her onto the toilet seat.
I wait a little while for the blood to stop before I start to clean up her wounds.
I'm gentle while applying the Neosporin and then wrapping her thighs.
"I don't think these needs stitches. We will tell in a few hours" I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.
"I'm sorry" she says.
I take my hand and push her chin up so she is looking at me. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I know you didn't want to do this. You weren't in a good mental state, and that's okay. I'm not mad at you for this. I'm not disappointed either. I just wish that you didn't feel the need to do this. I wish you had other coping mechanisms"
"I'll try to find something that helps so we don't end up back here"
"Okay. That works for me. Now let's go and watch a movie. How does that sound?" I ask.
"That sounds great"