(Trigger warning: self harm)
JJ's POV:
The day went on as normal. Emily got me lunch just like she said she would. She ate in here with me while I did paperwork. I told her I would eat soon and that I just needed to get this done, that was a lie. My food went straight into the garbage just like usual. A little later Emily came back to see if I ate and she was surprise went the food wasn't still sitting on my desk. She smiled for a second and then walked away.
Everything was normal. Something still felt weird. I don't know if it's just having Emily back but something feels different or not right. Is it just me?
It probably is. I'll probably just forgot about it tomorrow.
I finished my reports around 6:30 and Emily waited in my office while I did the last one. We said goodbye to the team and walked out together. We drove in silence, comfortable silence though. Emily looked like she had something on her mind the entire time but she never said a word. So I asked when we were a couple minutes from my apartment.
"What's on your mind?" I ask
"Huh? Oh nothing just thinking"
"About what?"
"Just work" she says
"Just work? Really. I can tell that's not the truth"
"Really it's nothing"
"If it's nothing then just tell me" I say
"JJ just drop it, it's nothing. It's just the report I was doing was not a good one, so I'm still thinking about it" I still know she isn't telling me the truth but I decide not to push.
When we get 'home' we both go our separate ways. I go to the bedroom to change into pjs and Emily goes to the living and turns on the tv. I can hear the news on in the background. I wish it wasn't so damn hot in here but I still can't wear shorts around her. I decide on the normal long pj bottoms and a long sleeve shirt. I have, let's just say 'a few' (more like 21) new cuts and I don't want her to see them. I haven't done it since she got here, but god I want to. I want to see the blood again and the release it gives me that she couldn't even imagine. I really want to talk to her about it but she will just yell and call me stupid for wanting to do it again. I know last time she didn't tell me to stop and she told me to just talk to her if I wanted to do it again but that was months ago. And our relationship has changed a lot in those months and I don't know if I trust her. I want to but I don't know if I can. I should get her clothes to sleep in. I find her some pajamas she would like and I put them on her side of the bed.
I walk back out into the main area and Emily is in the same spot. "I put your clothes on the bed, so you can change whenever you want"
"Okay, thank you" she says looking directly at the tv.
"I'm going to take a shower, you can take one after if you want"
"Alright I will" she looks back and gives me a sad smile.
I turn around and head to the bathroom. I quickly undress and I don't even look in the mirror. I can't stand to see myself so instead I stare at the ground. I hop in the shower not long after. While I'm shampooing my hair I look down and see my razor sitting there. I can't take my eyes off of it.
"Stop it. We can't. Not today. Emily's here" I whisper to myself
I don't even remember taking apart the razor. One second I'm washing the shampoo out of my hair, next I'm hold a single blade from my razor. I don't do anything I just stare at it. I don't know how long I've been in here but it feels like forever.
I should just get this over with. I can't stop myself. I look at my thigh and I still see all the cuts I made on them earlier this week. "Just one more, then I'll be done for good" I tell myself quietly.
I push the blade near my thigh and apply pressure. I pull the blade sideways and watch as the blood starts to come to the surface. A perfect red line. Then the blood starts to fall down my leg and mix into the water below. It turns a light pink color before going down the drain. A make 8 more cuts. I went a little deep on those last 3 but it should be fine.
I stand there for a few minutes. 6 of the cuts stopped bleeding but the other 3 won't stop. I can feel the panic start to rise in my stomach. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean to go so deep. Why won't it stop? I quickly finish my shower and get out. The bleeding as started to slow down but it still hasn't stopped. I find gauze in the cabinet and wrap my thigh.
Soon enough I redress and grab the broke razor. I shove it into the pants pocket and walk back into the bedroom. I find my go bag and put it in there. I walk into the living room and tell Emily she can shower. She doesn't take nearly as long as I do. Maybe 15 minutes. She walks out looking as good as ever. No stop it. Emily doesn't want me anymore. We are just friends.
She takes back her spot on the couch and returns her focus to the tv. So enough she asks "What do you want for dinner? I'm thinking Chinese"
"I'm not really hungry but there are some Chinese menus in the kitchen so order whatever"
"I'll get us 2 things of sesame chicken and whenever you get hungry you can eat it" she stands up and walks into the kitchen and digs in the drawer for the menu. She calls a place nearby and orders the food. She said it should take about 15 minutes.
She sits back down on the right side of the couch. She pats a spot near her telling me to come over so I do. I lay my head on her shoulder and we stay like this for a while.
"JJ"
"Yeah?"
"What's that on your pants"
"What?" I look down and see what she is talking about. The blood soaked through the gauze and into my pants. "It's nothing I probably spilled something, I'll go change" I start to get up but she stops me.
"JJ sit down" she tells me
I do as I'm told and say still. I don't move a inch and I can fell the tears starting to come but I push them away.
"Pull down your pants and show me your thighs" she says leaving no room for argument.
I feel like I can't move or talk I just sit there staring into oblivion. I can tell I'm starting to hyperventilate but I try to keep my cool.
"JJ. Show me your thighs" she says once again.
I stand up and just look at her. Her face is empty and I can't tell what she is thinking. My hands shake as I start to pull down my pants. I keep a straight face but I can still feel the tears falling down my face. I pull my pants down to my knees and I don't even dare to look at Emily.
"JJ" she says sadly.
My hands are still shaking hard and I feel like I can't breathe. I try my best to keep a straight face but it isn't working. "Great job Jennifer you did it again. Now she's going to walk on eggshells around you like your going to break at any second. You can't do anything right. Why can't you just be normal. God your so fucking stupid." I think.
"Why JJ? I thought you were doing better. And you know you can always come and talk to me when you feel this way. I could have helped"
"I'm not better and I keep waiting for someone to figure that out, but they don't because as long as I say the right thing and I act the right way there're happy because that means I'm fine and they don't have to worry about me" I say.
I pull my pants back up and walk away. I go into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I sink to the ground and I pull my knees to the chest. I put my head between my knees to ground me but it isn't working. At this point my whole body is shaking and I can't do anything to stop it. I'm crying uncontrollably and I am getting very lightheaded by now. I just rest my head back against the door. I try to think about something happy but I can't. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I try to count to get my mind to think of something else. That also doesn't work. Before I know it my vision goes black.
I wake up not to long after on the ground with a very annoying headache. I can faintly hear knocks at the door with a voice asking something but I can't make out what they are saying. My ears are ringing to much. Soon enough the ringing dies down and I can hear Emily.
"JJ please open the door. Let me help you"
I try to stand up but when I do I just fall right back down. I slowly move over to the door and unlock it. Emily rushes in and moves down by me.
"Are you okay? Why is there blood in your hair?" She asks with concern and panic in her voice.
"There's blood in my hair?" I ask
"Yes, so what happened?"
"I passed out and I think I hit my head on the bathtub. I'll be fine though it's probably just a small cut"
She looks at my head, using her hand to move my head around so she can make sure it doesn't need stitches.
"It doesn't look to bad. I don't think you need stitches"
She helps me up and onto the bathtub ledge. She pulls out the first aid kit I have under the sink. She digs though it to find the Neosporin. She puts some of it on the cut on my head. Then looks down at my pants to tell me to take them off so she can take care of that to. I do what she wants and she unwraps the gauze on my thigh. She keeps a straight face while looking at the 'damage' I did to myself. She cleans them up, then rewraps the cuts. She gives me a sympathetic smile and then helps me up. She puts my arm around her waist and walks me into the living room. The Chinese is sitting on the coffee table. I wonder how long that has been sitting there. She sits me down on the couch and then sits down next to me.
"So are we going to talk about what happened" she asks
"Nothing happened" I tell her
"Then why did you feel the need to hurt yourself again"
I want to say 'it doesn't even hurt anymore because I'm so used to it' but I decide not to.
"I don't know"
"Well something must have happened today to make you want to do this again"
"There wasn't a reason, I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I do it. I just do"
"There has to be a reason" she says
"I don't know!" I shout. "I don't feel anything anymore, this one things helps me, it's the only thing that seems to help me! It helps for about 10 minutes and then I go right back to feeling nothing! I hate it, I hate it, I wish there was something that can help me but there isn't I tried." I'm starting to cry again. "I wish I didn't feel like this. You think I want to feel nothing. You think I want to feel numb all the time"
She is at a loss for words. All she does is look at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry" is all she can get out.
"Why the hell are you sorry"
"Because I did this to you. I had to fake my death. I left you when you needed me. Before I left you were doing better. You were happy, and now your numb. I did this to you. And I don't know how to fix it" she says.
"You can't fix me. I'm not broken"