No!
No no no no no!
I didn't break her promise! I didn't!
I couldn't!
A sudden rush in my bones is ripping every ounce of my body as if someone is killing me to death by squeezing my throat, crushing it in a worst way!
I couldn't see anything, think anything or feel anything! I was just running upstairs with blank mind and with continuously fast beating and crying heart.
"Partner, I'm so sorry...." My lips quivered as I wiped away the fucking drop on my cheek with my sleeve.
I just want to see her! I just want to see her okay! She has to be okay!
She is okay!
Reaching on the first floor, I banged my fist hard in the wall as the feeling of hatred towards myself lurked in me.
I roamed my eyes from left to right while my chest was just giving up on me heaving like never before. I looked to the right then left then again right as I rushed towards the room number 104.
Reaching at 104 label, I raise up my shaking hand to knock on the door. I was just about to knock when a voice shouted at me.
"Stop right there Mr. Zayn Malik!" I turned around only to see my best friend.
Kim.
Her angry look vaporized all my almost-dead hopes. Her glare confirmed that I fucked up!
"Potato...." I whispered as I stepped towards her rising my hand slightly up to point at the door, my lips pulsated as I found myself on the verge of crying. "Partn--"
"Fuck off!" She gritted her teeth while glaring at me with so much....hate?
My ears got heated up and could hear nothing.
"H-How is Ali-"
"I said FUCK. OFF!" She shouted shutting me off.
I need to see her!
I raked my hand in my hair as I pursed my lips in a thin line. I turned around quickly before hitting my knuckles on the door.
"Alicia." I called while my knuckles kept striking the door. A strange desperation was there in my voice.
"Open the door Part--"
"You asshole!" Kim pushed me away causing me to stumble back a bit.
"Leave her alone! Get lost from here before I crash something on your head!" She shouted with her dark black threatening eyes.
Her anger was rising just like mine rise every time.
"Potato--"
I froze.
I froze, digging my feet in the floor when I heard a sound of clinking metals from inside, as if something had been dropped down on the floor.
Stars...
Alicia had been holding the stars which I gave to her.
My partner knows that I am here!
I abruptly came forward and knocked on the door again.
"Partner?" I knocked desperately on the door.
"Are you okay?" I felt my eyes becoming wet as I tilted my head a little before pressing my ear to the door in the hope to hear her voice.
"Say something Partner." I choked on my emotions as her silence suffocated me to the edge.
"Do you have some self respect?" Kim asked with a disgusting look on her face as she yanked me away from the door.
"Leave from here before I call the warden telling her to throw you out because you are creating a scene in girl's dorm!" She threatened me but I was listening to nothing.
All my attention and my ears were focused on the room to hear her voice.
Just once!
Just once! I want to hear her voice just once!
I closed my eyes as the indescribable pain stung in my chest.
"Why are you shouting Kim--"
I opened my eyes to see Lauren, who now, staring at me in shock.
"Oh my god!" She stepped back pressing her hand on her mouth.
"Please don't hurt Alicia anymore. Please, she had been crying all night." Lauren blurted out ripping my heart off as I felt a contortion in my throat and stomach.
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat giving it a way out through my tears. My vision got blurred as the water starts collecting at the rim of my eyes.
Once more, turning towards the door I banged my hand on it. "Open the fucking door Alicia!" I shouted as my tears burned my skin.
I juddered the door holding it by the knob in order to open it.
"Please....let me see you once! Partner, please!" My voice cracked as I slammed my fist on the door.
"Leave her alon--"
"Tell her to open the door first!" I shouted back shutting Kim in the mid.
"Kim...?"
My eyes widened with tears in them when I heard a very soft, strangled voice from the other side of the door.
My heart started beating fast as I pressed myself into the door.
"Par-Partner? Are you okay?" I twisted the door knob in order to open it while my pulse accelerated on my wrist.
"Partner, open the door? Le-let me see you?" I banged my hand on the door failing miserably to remove the fucking barrier between us.
"I'm here Al. Don't worry sweetheart." Kim said as she grabbed my wrist pulling me away.
"Get the hell out of here Zayn. You have done enough damage now these crocodile tears are useless!" She pulled me towards the staircase before I jerked her hand away.
"No!" I raced back before placing my both hands on the door.
"Partner, open it, please!" I begged with my broken heart as the every living tissue and division inside my eyes wanted nothing more than to see her.
But she gave nothing in response making me lose control over myself. That's what she has been doing since the day she came into my life.
Making me lose the fucking control over myself!
My desperation crosses all limits, my anger rises up and I hit hard on the door.
"Open the fucking door!" I shouted as I kicked the door to fucking break it.
"Zayn!" A manly voice called me adding more to my anger.
Harry.
"Kim...tell him to go away from here." My eyes watered letting the fucking tears to run like a river when I heard her crying.
Pressing my lips in a thin line I smashed both of my fists on the door. "I won't go!"
I exhaled and inhaled deeply and harshly through my nose while clenching my jaw in anguish. Heat radiating off my every body part as I again twisted the door knob to fucking open it. "I won't go! Let me see you!"
"Zayn let's leave buddy please! Just fucking listen to me once!" Harry started pulling me, inciting me to punch him hard on his face.
"Let me see you once! Please Partner. Open the door!" I hit the door again.
I backed a little and pulled up my leg before hitting it on the door.
"Open the fucking door or else I will break it!" I did that again while my tears kept draining me like never before.
I never felt like this before. So much desperation, so much pain! Never!
"Please let me see you! Please my head will explode partner! Please let me see you!" I begged her as I placed my cheek over the door in defeat.
"Please tell him to go Kim." She cried again as I heard the sound of her falling on the ground. My legs automatically gave up as I crouched myself down with her letting my hands to slide down on the door.
"I will go I promise! Just let me see you once?" I whispered pressing my head onto the door.
"Please open the door, Alicia?" I heard Lauren sniffling and Harry whispering to me to leave from here but I couldn't interpret what's happening.
"Please go from here. Please don't hurt me anymore. I can't take it anymore." My partner cried giving a smooth way to my tears.
"Zayn?" Kim called, this time softly.
I looked up to see her standing near me with teary eyes.
"Leave her alone. I beg you. If you wouldn't go she will definitely die! She is too much broken. Please?" She said softly while wiping her tears off.
Her words churned my heart as I felt my every nerve dying inside. I closed my eyes letting the tears to flow down freely and pressed my ear on the door to hear my partner's sobs.
"Partner...." I whispered with my quivering lips.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered again with strangled voice.
"I'm not the Zayn who broke your promise. It wasn't me." I whispered last time before standing myself up on my feet.
I wiped my cheeks with my sleeves as I started walking towards the staircase. I felt myself almost dead.
I just wanted to see her once! Just once!
I inhaled unevenly holding back my tears.
"Zayn, mate--"
"I don't want to talk or hear anything Harry." I whispered walking myself down.
I opened the car door letting myself fall freely on the passenger's seat. Harley can fuck off here alone!
I waited for Harry to start the car.
He didn't say anything and started off the car driving me back home.
----
Alicia's POV
"Partner...." I heard his soft voice as I clutched the star tightly pressing it onto my heart. His continuous calling me partner was only encouraging me to breakdown into more and more tears.
Why does he want to see me now? Why?
How can he hurt me like this?
My sobbing increased severely when his words reverberated in my head.
Last night, he just confirmed my thoughts that...that I can never be loved by anyone. No one loves me. I'm meant to be alone.
"How could you say I don't deserve to be loved, Zayn?" The words left my mouth as I threw my head back on the closet.
"What was my mistake?" I felt my tears burning my neck as they cascaded down my skin.
I didn't know he hated me this much. I still had the hope to bring him back. But now...
It is not possible.
Zayn and I need to go far away from each other. We both don't work together. Zayn and I can never be we!
This is hurting! This is way too painful to be understood by anyone. This is the slow murder of my soul.
I know I'm losing my strength. I know my body parts are giving up on me.
I know that now......no one can fix my heart.
I shouldn't have fallen in love with him. I shouldn't have raised my expectations to where I can never reach. This is all, my fault.
I knew that beforehand, I knew that the feeling of love was not meant for me to cherish, yet I didn't control myself and allowed myself to fall hard for him.
This is all happening because of me! Zayn's smile is lost because of me! His friends are against him because of me! His agitation, his anger everything is because of me!
Now he must be feeling guilty because he broke my promise. I know how much he hates mistakes. I'm afraid of him hurting himself.
No! He can't hurt himself!
I'm the reason of him going through a lot of pain. I'm the reason of my superhero's turmoil.
If I wouldn't be here, this drama wouldn't be happening. Zayn would be smiling like...when I saw him on the first day.
Full of life, fun filled all smiley-smiley.
I'm the worst thing, a hurdle in his life. I'm the one who is odd one out.
It's awful. The pain, the depression it is terribly awful. I can't handle it. I can't.
"Please someone kill me, please! I don't want to live! I'm just a burden on this earth!" My heart cried with me as I melted myself in the embrace of loneliness.
I want to see Zayn more than anything else but.... I'm afraid of what he would do. I can't bear his hatred towards me anymore.
"I'm so sorry." Zayn whispered again with strangled voice causing me to pull my knees up to my chest as if it could stop my agitation and pain.
I opened my fist to look at the golden metal in my hand. A tear drop unwontedly fell over the etching as I stared at 'I'm sorry Partner' engravings.
"I'm not the Zayn who broke your promise. It wasn't me." He said and my heart raced as I felt him going away.
I stood up using all my might as I scurried towards the door. "Don't go!" I placed my hands over the door as I cried.
"Please don't leave me alone!" My sobbing decreased as the silent tears kept draining my heart.
"Al? Open the door baby. Zayn is gone. I assure you he won't do anything to you." Kim spoke from the other side.
"He is gone Alicia. Open the door please." I heard Lauren saying while sniffing.
Look, I make everyone cry. I'm good for nothing.
I wiped my tears controlling hard not to let them fall again as I opened the door.
Kim rushed inside before hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her as I again started sobbing.
"Shh! He is gone. He is not here. Stop crying." She tightened her arms around me while Lauren caressed my hair.
I don't want people to sympathy me. But I couldn't help right now as I'm completely drained.
"He is in pain?" My heart said as I felt a ping of anguish inside.
"I don't care!" Kim spatted before pulling out from the hug.
"And you should not too! Forget him. Stop thinking about him, Al!" She scowled pulling me towards the bed.
I didn't say anything. I just watched the two girls around me, consoling me.
Lauren forwarded a glass of water to me which I refused to take. I'm not feeling like drinking or eating anything. No! I'm feeling nothing but pain.
A moment later, there is a knock on the door. We turned together to see Ellie and Liam on the door.
"Hey..." Liam greets as they both make their way inside.
I quickly wiped my tear stained cheeks before facing them. "H-Hii." I managed to speak.
"You okay?" Ellie asked sitting beside me.
I nodded slightly holding back my tears.
"There is a good news for you I guess." She smiled as she placed her hand on my shoulder.
Her words had zero percent effect on me. Nothing good can happen in my life.
"What good news?" Lauren chimed and I know she is trying to lighten the mood.
"It's been long to hear a good news!" She pouted.
"Here!" Ellie handed me an envelope.
"This is from the competition set." She smiled.
I hesitantly took the envelope from her hand and opened it.
After reading the letter, I folded it back again.
I should be happy but I'm not. It means nothing to me now.
"What does the letter say sweetheart?" Kim asked in her lovely voice.
"Uh...it says that..." I looked at her. "There is no semifinal round in the competition as the participants who qualified the quarter finals are only four." I said taking pauses in between.
"The four students are...." I looked down opening the letter again. "Andy, Laila, Alicia and..." I look up at Kim as my heart again hurts inside. "Zayn..." I whispered as his name, just a mere name makes me feel like fainting in any minute.
"Now, there is only Final round which is going to happen on upcoming Friday." I said indifferently.
"Means exactly after six days." Liam said and I nodded slightly.
"And where is it going to take place?" Kim asked.
"In our University." I stated.
"Wow!" Lauren exclaimed.
Everyone gets happy but I feel nothing. As if it didn't affect me at all.
I feel nothing because the thing which is running in my mind is.....killing me, making me weak, turning my insides upside down, letting my heart to cry endless.
But-
I closed my eyes trying to calm myself.
It is the only way to end Zayn and mine chapter.
It is the right decision.
"Hey." Kim touched my cheek.
"Where are you lost? You are selected for finals Al! Now focus on your singing only baby!" She smiled hugging me from the side.
I can't tell Kim because I know she won't let me do this.
I swallowed the lump forming inside me as I placed the envelope on the study table.
"Uh...I - I'm going to take a shower." I managed to pull a fake smile before going inside the bathroom.
I opened the shower placing my hands on the front wall.
"This is the right decision. This is the only way to bring the happy Zayn back." My heart raced and my legs shiver as what I am thinking right now is....I don't know if I would be able to take it or not.
I closed my eyes letting my tears to flow down with the water.
"I need to do this. I and Zayn don't work. We only hurt each other." I mumbled through my shaking lips.
I'm determined this time.
Author's POV
~~Austere Villa~~
"Hahaha....." The chair twirled as the evil's laughter echoed in the mention. "Haha...haha...ahahahaha...." Master gripped his stomach as it ached with the laughter.
"tch..tch..tch..tch...haha..." He teased no one in particular as he twirled his chair again in his glass chamber.
"I love you guys! Hahaha...." He laughed pointing at the two guys.
"You..ahaha..." Master gripped his stomach again as he was dying with the overwhelming laughter.
"You guys haha...you guys have won my heart. Wow!" He widened his arms showing his happiness.
"How fucking idiot, stupid douche he is! He believed strangers over my princess!" Suddenly he pressed his lips together before slamming his fist over the table.
"See princess! He is no good for you! He doesn't even trust you!" He inhaled deeply through his nose relaxing in his chair behind.
"You are mine princess! Now there is nothing left which could bind you two together. Zayn's chapter is closed! haha" He laughed being more than satisfied.
"You are mine! Just six months more princess! I will take you away from all this shit. I will make you happy!" He smiled.
"And you my favorite strangers. haha..." He pointed to those two guys who a day ago told themselves Alicia's friends.
But who knew they were the bodyguards of Master who came to make the two already broken souls more apart.
"This is for you! Enjoy your life! haha" He peaked two diamond bags out of the whole to give it to them. "And if these diamonds get over. You are most welcome to come here to beg me for more!" Master laughed.
"Listen! Listen! Listen!" Master clapped his hands while standing up showing every sign of his cracked mind.
"I won't be here for the next six months! So you guys are free to do anything!" He clapped quickly like a kid while giggling.
"But remember if anyone left the mention! Then I will kill that one slowly-slowly by ripping his each body part!" He said in a most dramatic threatening way.
"And today! Let's celebrate the moment because we have won the war! And that blind Zayn Malik....lost everything!" He clapped as he twirled himself round and round while laughing.
------
*What happens in life is surely unpredictable. We can't judge or see the future. We can't make guesses about what is going to happen in the very next moment. Life itself is a big hidden surprise which happens every minute in our lives but we are in denial to see it. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is bad. But the thing is....either it is good or bad we are bound to take it. It's not a gift from a normal person to which we could refuse to take if we wouldn't like it. It is the mandatory gift which we have to take no matter how hurtful it is.
But every generation says.....nothing is impossible!
Yeah, that's right!
There is a way to reject the life surprises. There is a way through which we could refuse to take the unpredictable ambushing surprises. And that way is....
Death.
But....
Struggle, fight, optimism, pessimism, happiness and grief! These are the mandatory itineraries of our life journey. Humans are sent on this earth to experience each of them atleast once.
So giving up is the worst idea!
Don't let the pessimism path increase its area. Struggle to widen the optimism path which would help you fight the grief, squaring your happiness on its own.
That's how the life equation works. :)*
----
Alicia and Zayn...
Both are broken. Both are in pain. No one can understand what they are feeling.
It has been two days since they both have seen each other. Alicia didn't come out of her room. Neither she had gone to attend her classes nor had she talked to anyone in particular but Kim.
Most of the times Kim lived with Lauren, Grace and Ellie as Alicia requested Kim to let her be alone. Kim, being the best ever friend, didn't argue but gave her some space. She was thinking that perhaps some alone time would help her to come out of her grief.
On the other side, Zayn too had been a no show. He came to dorms many times, standing on the road at night, staring at Alicia's room in the hope that someday she would open the window and atleast let him see her face. But...the day never came. Every time he had to go back to his apartment with sad and defeated face.
The room in which he lives is a mess! So many broken glasses, botched up punch bag and many bottles of alcohol carelessly thrown on the ground was the daily scene to watch in his room. His mind was, might be in more trouble than Alicia's. He was fighting not only the pain of separation but the past memories as well. He was fighting the worst.
It was painful, more than painful to take.
~~3days before finals~~
"Kim?" Alicia called while her eyes were set outside the window. She was sitting on the bed with her knees plastered to her chest.
"Hmm" Kim hummed as she picked up the red color to fill in her drawing. She was sitting on the study table, her back towards Alicia.
"Zayn is not okay." Alicia mumbled with half a heart as she placed her head over her knees looking outside. "I'm the reason for his pain."
"Will you stop talking about him?" Kim shouted as she turned over.
"It's been three days Alicia! You are saying this one sentence everyday! I'm fed up! And moreover..." Kim stepped towards Alicia directly looking into her eyes.
"It's good if he is not okay! That bastard deserves to take the pain--"
"Kim!" Alicia said, on the edge of crying. "Don't talk like this. He is your best friend!"
"He was!" Kim cut her while correcting her. "He was my best friend."
"And I'm the reason of your broken friendship." Alicia mumbled as her tears came back to life.
"No baby..." Kim sat down besides Alicia as she took her hand in her own. "Don't say this. You are not the reason for anything. Despite, Zayn is the reason for every bad thing. It's not you. Don't blame yourself unnecessarily." Kim said as softly as possible.
"No." Alicia shook her head. "No he is not." She hugged Kim and rested her head on her shoulder.
"I want to see him. I want to see him smiling." She sniffled.
"Just once before..." She stopped as she realized what she was going to say.
"Before?" Kim pulled out as she furrowed her eyes at Alicia.
"N-Nothing." Alicia said wiping her tears trying to hide what's running in her mind.
"No tell me what before?" Kim asked demanding an answer.
"Before...before the finals." Alicia said while lowering her eyes.
Kim closed her eyes briefly before she stood up. "Forget Zayn!" She scowled before resuming her work.
**
Two more days passed like this.
In grief and pain.
Alicia's behavior kept becoming weirder as she started dreaming bad dreams about Zayn.
She even gave her resignation from the CR post, rejecting all requests Dean made to her including the emotional blackmail about the University's reputation etc.
Dean decided to make Rickard, the CR as Zayn too was a no show like Alicia. The group was upset about Rickard being the CR but they could do nothing.
Six days have passed like this and now only the night left before finale.
----
Alicia's POV
"Zayn!" I jolted up in my bed suddenly.
Breathing heavily, I looked around my room. It was late midnight. Everything was calm and serene. After gaining some consciousness, I sigh.
"It was a dream." I told myself. I heard footsteps rushing towards my room.
"What happened, Alicia?" Kim asked out of concern making her way towards me and sat on the bed.
"Uh...N-Nothing."I tried to smile but failed.
"Tell me the truth!" She demanded.
I looked down at my lap and sighed in defeat. I can never win over her, so trying is a pure waste.
"I had a dream. A bad dream..." I paused for a moment."...about Zayn." I said looking up at her.
My eyes started becoming wet.
"Something is really wrong Kim. I can feel it. My heart is aching." I squeezed her hands with mine. "I...I'm getting a feeling that he is in pain. Zayn is in p-"
"Stop!" She swayed my hands away and stood up.
"Stop thinking about him. Just...Just throw him out of your mind Al. He is no good. He is an insensitive Bastard!"
"Kim!" I glared at her in disbelief and stood up facing her.
"Mind your tongue." I said calmly.
"Oh yeah!" She laughed hysterically.
"How can I forget? How? That you are blind in case of that prick." She waved her hands in air exasperatedly.
"You know what? Even if you are right. Whether he is in pain or not..I don't give a damn. I can never forgive him for the pain he caused to you. He...he just doesn't deserve your love." Kim's voice dims down from a high pitch and she cups my face.
"Why do you love him so much? Why? He made you cry like hell but still you care about him so much..." She winced in disbelief.
"Please Al. Stop loving him."She insisted.
"I can't"
"I can't stop loving him. I tried but I just can't." I shake my head before looking straight into her eyes.
"I love him so much Kim. Whatever the condition would be...he will always be the one who owns my heart. I can't help it."
"Why every bad thing happens to me only? Am I that bad?" I winced in pain.
As all my patience started to fade away, I broke down into million tears.
"It's hurting Kim. It's hurting!" I hugged her for dear life and cried out loud.
She pulled out, holding me she said- "You are the most kind and soft person in the world Al. Don't ever doubt yourself. You are a wonderful person my sweet best friend." She smiled and kissed my cheek.
"Now forget about everything. Tomorrow is a big day. Get some sleep. Okay?" She smiled.
"I'll try." I sighed.
She didn't say anything further as if she understood that I need some time alone. She is a great friend. I smiled a little.
I made my way to the drawer of my bedside after Kim left. I picked a photograph opening a drawer. I stared at the picture blankly. It was me and Zayn in the picture smiling and holding a trophy in our hands.
My hand using its own mind made its way towards Zayn's face in the picture. I moved my hand slowly on the picture from top to bottom, caressing his face. A non-uniform breath left my mouth.
"I love you." I said as my heart ached and mind craved for his presence near me. I placed the picture back at its place and tried to get some sleep who ditched me long ago.
Tomorrow is the day Alicia. You can't feel this much weak. You can't let yourself think like this.
My insides were shaking thinking about what I have decided.
You can do it. You can do it for Zayn. Don't you want to see him smiling again? My thinking self said as I held back my tears.
I just want to see him once.
My heart cried as the cravings heightened in just a second to too much greater extent.
Just once!
I prayed closing my eyes as I clutched the duvets tight to hold myself together.
----
It's 6:00am in the morning and I am done with my stuff.
My heartbeat is racing at the incredulous speed while my hands are shaking like never before. I drifted my eyes towards Kim who stirred in her sleep.
I closed my eyes briefly.
I don't know how she is going to react. But she needs to understand me. She has to.
This is the only possible way to make everything right.
"Alicia?" I opened my eyes as I saw Kim sitting up slowly. "You up so early? This is unnatural." She furrowed her eyes before her eyes drifted behind me.
I gulped as I watched her every move.
"Why is your closet empty?" She stood up abruptly, making her way to me.
"Al? Why are you packing your stuff?" A sudden desperation was evident in her tone as I saw her chest which starts heaving a little unnaturally.
"Are you going to your home town?" She asked as she gripped my shoulders.
I watched her quietly as somewhere deep I know she has understood everything.
"Yeah!" She gulped. "It-it's good for you. You need a break from all this!" She stuttered and I hold back my tears.
She backed away and turned around.
"Kim?" The moment I called her, my tears made their way out mercilessly.
"No!" She said shaking her head.
"I'm leaving." I said taking a step towards her.
"I'm going to take a shower." She said.
"After that we need to do preparations for your performance." She said without looking at me as she rambled to find something, I couldn't comprehend what.
"I'm--" I swallowed the lump but failed to stop the flow of my tears.
"I'm leaving this University and London forever."
--------------
Tadaaaa!! :D
Next update is going to be BIG plus something...yeah!! Sooooo, I need time like seriously TIME to write it... well you know? :(
I will update next Chapter on Saturday(28th Feb) MOST probably! :))
Byeeee!
I love you xxxx :)
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