Warnings: Mentions of Previous Drug Use, Some Smut (not that great at writing it, bear with me)
Ryan's POV
The last week has been spent mindlessly spilling my guts to Dr. Mouse, writing stupid letters in group, and trying to avoid Nikki.
The last one has been hard to do, because he always waves and gets a really sad look on his face when I sit somewhere else, but it's for his own good. I won't let myself put him in danger, and God knows he will be. I know he's confused and I promised myself I'd talk to him. I'm just not there yet.
I haven't written anymore letters about Kelsey. I can't. I'm not ready. I just want to forget. I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere this time, I won't go back to my old life. For the first time in seven years, I feel like I may be able to leave and start a new life away from her and the drugs.
Sure.
45 more days here, then I'm a new person.
I can feel Nikki's glare from across the room as the counselor instructs us to write a letter to our addiction telling it how it's fucked up our lives.
"Write about how it's effected you, your relationships, your jobs, your body, everything. You have to learn how your addiction has an influence on everything in your life and what that influence is, so you can build those parts of your life back up without it. After you write how it's effected you, write out some goals on how to fix it." He passes a pad of paper and a pencil out to everyone like he has been the last week and again, I'm staring at the blank piece of paper trying to figure out what to write.
I chew on the eraser and peek at Nikki to see him doing the same thing, and I can't help but smile.
Stop, you can't.
I sigh and start to write.
Relationships: Most of my relationships are founded on addiction. So, I guess...I won't have any relationships without addiction? *make new friends, get my own house*
Job: I don't have one. I spend all my time using. *get a job*
Body: I'm underweight, I have the beginnings of cirrhosis of the liver. *take better care of myself*
Well, that was easy. My whole life has been ruled by addiction and I basically have to start from scratch.
I sigh and get up to use the bathroom, telling the counselor I'll be right back.
I shut the bathroom door and look at myself in the mirror. I look better, my eyes are brightening everyday, my color is coming back to my face, my hair is clean and brushed, and while I'm still underweight my cheeks are finally filling out and you can't see my bones anymore. I smile to myself and turn to go to the toilet when the bathroom door slams open.
I turn to see Tommy, clearly pissed off.
"Tommy, what the fuck? This is the girl's bathroom."
"Ryan, what is your problem? You've been ignoring us for a week. I thought we were friends, man. I need clean friends." Guilt takes over my brain and I frown.
"I'm sorry, Tommy. We are friends. I would like to be friends." His face lifts a little, but I can tell he's still pissed off.
"Nikki told me what happened at the beach. Is that why you're ignoring us? You don't like him?"
"No, I-I like him, Tommy. I just can't." I whisper as I look at the ground, wishing I was a different person that could actually sustain relationships.
"Look, bro, just talk to him please. He's walking around with a constant pout and he's writing really shitty songs." He groans and I chuckle.
"Okay. I will, Tommy. I promise."
He walks over to me and wraps me into a hug. I take a deep breath and smell the woodsy cologne he has on that actually smells really good.
"Are you smelling me?" He gives me a confused look.
"You smell good."
"My counselor told me I smelled like shit, so I had Heather bring me cologne when she visited earlier this week." He grabs my hand and leads me out the door.
"Tommy, I didn't pee. I have to pee." I laugh and let go of his hand, promising I'll see him later.
Nikki's POV
Dinner is pizza again, which makes me happy because I know Ryan will actually eat. I've been seeing her eat more often, but she still skips meals.
Why do you care if she eats? She's ignoring you.
I don't know what happened after we got caught making out on the beach. I thought things were going well. I thought I actually found someone that understood me and what I go through with my addiction, but the next morning she acted like she didn't know me.
Maybe she realized she's mad at me for asking about Kelsey? I knew I shouldn't have, it was dumb to ask her about something that obviously makes her upset, but I just want to get to know her. All of her. I guess I blew my chance.
You fuck everything up.
I sigh and take a bite of my pizza, looking around the room.
"Looking for your lesbian girlfriend?" Vince taunts, sitting next to me.
"Not a lesbian. Not my girlfriend."
"Yeah, what the fuck ever, Sixx." I wave my hand at him to shut him up and he laughs at me.
"Sharise is coming to visitation tomorrow. I'm actually excited to see her, man."
"Yeah, I can tell between you fucking Victoria and that CNA." He cuts his eyes at me and shakes his head.
"You're in a mood today." He scoffs.
"I've been trying to write but I can't, man. It's like my brain is blank. I don't know what the fuck to do. If I don't write while I'm in here, how are we gonna record in Vancouver?"
"I'm sure you'll think of something, Sixx. You just need a muse." I see Ryan walking this way out of the corner of my eye, but I'm scared if I acknowledge her then she'll disappear. "Here comes one now." Vince scoots over to let her sit next to him.
"Still never gonna happen, Vince." She cuts him off when he goes to talk to her, no doubt to hit on her. He scoffs and shoves a bite of pizza into his mouth.
"I'm gonna go find Victoria" Vince says through a full mouth and gets up to take his plate elsewhere.
I look at Ryan up close for the first time since I kissed her. She looks better, still beautiful. My heart races when she looks at me and I look down at my food like an idiot, not saying anything.
"Hi." I can tell shes nervous by the tone of her voice. Why the fuck is she nervous? She's the one who's been avoiding me. She's the one who left me in the dust after our night together. Anger builds inside of me.
"Hi? Really? You've ignored me for a week and just came to say hi?" I scoff. She's surprised that I'm almost yelling at her, and to be honest so am I, but she deserves it.
"Do you want to go to the beach?" She finally squeaks out after a moment of silence.
"Yeah." I sigh in defeat.
Some tough guy you are.
After throwing our plates away and bribing the security guard with a hundred bucks and heartfelt promises that we'll be back in time, we're walking in the sand along the shore.
"Are you gonna explain why you've been ignoring me?" I ask. She looks in my eyes sadly, like she's trying to think of an excuse that I'll like, but eventually sighs and gives in.
"I like you, Nikki."
Well that makes no fucking sense. If you liked me you wouldn't be ignoring me.
"Then why are you ignoring me?"
"You don't know me, Nikki. I'm not an easy person to get along with. I come with a lot of baggage. I don't want you to get hurt."
Her eyes fill with tears and I feel like a huge asshole. I grab her hand and intertwine my fingers with hers and pull her to stop walking so I can look in her eyes.
She looks so sad, and like there's a lot that she's not telling me.
"Im a big boy, Ryan. I like you. I can handle whatever you throw at me. Do you not know who I am?" I put a strand of her hair behind her ear and smile down at her. "I don't know what the fuck we're doing, or where we're gonna be when we get out of here, or what's gonna happen. I just know you make being here a little easier. I just want to get to know you. I don't have any clean friends. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I get out of here and dealers and drug buddies come knocking on my door."
"Yeah, me too. My whole life outside of here revolves around heroin. The people, my house, I realized in that stupid letter in group therapy today that I'm gonna have to completely start my life over when I get out if I wanna stay clean." She sighs.
"We're supposed to go to Vancouver to record a new album when we get out of here, but I can't go home after that. Too many people know where I live and the house is basically a gothic heroin den. The last thing I need is fucking Vanity showing up with some gear when I least expect it."
"I don't know where I'm gonna be after this, but you make it easier for me, too." She smiles up at me and rubs her finger tips across my cheek, my heart racing.
I bend down to kiss her and she wraps her hand around the back of my neck, inviting me in for more. Our tongues dance together looking for comfort in this uncomfortable place in our lives. She pulls away from me and I raise my eyebrow at her as she sits down and takes her shirt off, using it to sit on.
"Come here." She pulls my hand to make me sit next to her and as soon as I'm sitting she's grabbing at the bottom of my shirt, taking it off. She pulls away from me and places her hands on my chest, laying me down and climbing on top of me, straddling me. She bends down to continue kissing me as I rub down the sides of her waist, making her moan.
I can feel my dick pressing onto my pants, throbbing to feel her. I flip her over onto her back, back onto her shirt. She grabs the sides of my face and pulls me down to her, biting my bottom lip and making me moan. She grabs at the hem of my pants trying to pull them down, but I put my hands on hers to stop her.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask.
"Yes. I need to feel something good, Nikki." She breathes.
I can tell by the dark look in her eye that she wants to. I pull her pants over her thighs and roll them in a ball for her to use as a pillow. She smiles at the gesture as I run my hands down her belly in between her thighs and move her panties to the side to feel how wet she is for me. I smile at the puddle between her legs and rub my thumb across her clit, getting a deep moan from her that I didn't expect. Her legs twitch when I slip a finger into her and curl it up inside her, rhythmically pulsing in and out of her before adding another finger inside her.
"Nikki." She breathes.
I feel her walls tightening around my fingers and take my fingers out, putting them in my mouth to taste her. I kiss from her neck down to her belly and take her panties completely off so I can settle my head in between her thighs. I lick from her entrance to her clit as her back arches in pleasure. I swirl my tongue over the sensitive bud, feeling her legs twitch beside me and I try not to smile and ruin my rhythm.
"Nikki- I'm gonna cum." She says through broken breaths and moans and I can feel her start to shake under me.
"Cum for me, baby." I quickly say. When I feel her start to come undone, I slip my fingers back into her to enhance her high, and to selfishly see how she feels as she cums around them. The sound of her orgasm is the sweetest sound I've heard in a long time, and I continue to lick her clit slowly to help her come down.
After a few silent seconds she looks down at me with a smile as I rest my head on her inner thigh.
"Come on, we're gonna be late again." I slap her thigh and sit up to put my shirt back on.
"But- I didn't do anything for you." She looks guilty as she says the words, which makes me laugh.
"Don't worry, I think we'll have plenty more chances." I stand up and extend my hand to help her up so she can get dressed.
"Damnit, my clothes all have sand in them."