"Can I go now?" My young voice filtered out into the black room. It was broken, betraying the cold expression my face was now stuck in.
My hair was stuck to my exposed shoulders, soiled crimson. The smell of blood filled the air as I stood, patiently, in the middle of the room, the black walls seemingly absorbing the light from the one fixture above me.
"Not yet, Mira. You have yet to create anything." The sickeningly sweet voice came out over the speakers and I turned to look at the black, reflective window, red astonishing against the white of my uniform and the paleness of my skin. "Once you do, we will let you out."
I looked down, to my red stained hands, clenching them and taking a step forward, out of the pool of blood at my feet. All those failed attempts made me lightheaded, but I can't show it to these people. Or they'll keep me longer than they said they would.
I had been going through so much pain training, that I had only been able to create a sword when I... when I killed that trainer. But, since then, my mind wouldn't let me make anything again.
Now, I was forced to cut myself over and over and over until I made something larger than a coin.
I felt my canines elongate, the pain of them enlarging in my gums now familiar to me, and I raised my left arm again, the skin clean of scars but covered in blood. I bit down, hard, on my thin forearm, pain blossoming that I ignored. It didn't hurt as much as what they did to me. Quickly pulling away my mouth, I tried hard, to pull the blood out of my body, to form it into a shape and to stay that way.
The blood pulled from my small, thin frame, my head spinning, as my little self fought to stay awake, to shape the crimson liquid into the shape of - there it was. I made it!
A red, liquid sword was beginning to be shaped, the tip of the blade hardening and glinting cold in the shallow light of the room. Then the rest of the liquid followed the tip's lead, hardening into the elongated shape of a blade. There was no hilt, but I didn't mind as I grabbed the incredibly sharp blade, bending my knees to keep me from falling.
It felt just like the blade I stabbed into that man's neck. Cold, heavy, and sharp.
I look over to the reflective window, angry and smug feeling on the inside, cold expression on my face. I raised the sword, the only thing in this place that I felt comfortable with, and threw it, as hard and fast as I could, towards the window.
I heard shouts over the speakers as the blade pierced the window like butter, going straight through it, hearing a dull thud as it rammed into the wall of the room I have never seen before. Yells and angry shouts were sounded out, but as my head spun and my legs buckled, I swear a smile tilted the lips of my mouth.
Then I fell into a pool of my own blood and passed out.
********************
I rocked myself, in a ball, against the back of the sofa, a random show playing that I was 'looking' at. I could see the flashes of orange and blue, the angry and comedic voices of characters on the screen. But that wasn't what I was seeing.
I was seeing memories of different times in that place. I was seeing Shoto's worried but determined face as he told me he would always be there for me, no matter how much pain I was in. I was seeing all the guilt that was building up in me, finally allowing it to be released. It was Saturday night, around 10 p.m., and there I sat, finally allowing myself to feel what I have been trying to ignore.
As the wise Bakugo would tell me - I look and feel so shitty.
My ribs were fully healed, and thanks to my Quirk enhancing my natural healing abilities, the pain from my bruising has gone down significantly. That was not where my pain came from anymore.
When I got home, Friday afternoon, and took a shower after cutting off my bandages and seeing the black bruises change to a light yellow color, I sat down on the sofa and broke down. I couldn't cry again, see, but I was sobbing as hard as anyone might, vomiting and having cold sweats all night and all morning Saturday.
First and foremost feeling, after letting the apathy blanket leave me and the force of memories hit me, was fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. I sat for almost all of Friday night, sweating, wrapped in a ball, shaking vigorously from fear.
Then the fear morphed into anger and pain. Anger at myself, for being so weak mentally. Anger at my father, who put me in that place, and grandmother, who kept me in that place and didn't take me out until I was 'trained enough'. Pain at the memories of what I was put through, a phantom pain around my arms, my legs, my torso.
And finally, now I sat here drowning in guilt. So much fucking guilt. It was amazing.
Guilt at ignoring the people who said they would support me. Guilt at ignoring the people who I promised to work with. Guilt at blotting out Aizawa. Guilt at muting out Bakugo and telling Yuuko not to call me.
And the most extreme guilt I felt was for Shoto.
Never, in all my mental breakdowns, have I ever blotted Shoto out of my life. For the past year that I didn't see him, that was only due to the fact I had to move to Tokyo with Yuuko. I've always told Shoto my problems, always confided in him. And he confided in me, too.
He knew most of what I went through, as I told him during visits he gave me and when I was finally released. He knew how I felt about the world, how much I trusted him and loved him. Shoto was the only person left in this world who knew every detail about me and still cared for me. He knew all my mental problems, my terrible flaws, the shit I went through and what had happened to me in that place. Even Yuuko and Enji don't know what happened to me.
But after finding out everything about me, Shoto never left my side. Instead, he confided in me, trusted me, supported me. And I supported him just as equally.
And here I am, ignoring the one person in this world I can trust without a doubt. Just to stop myself from feeling. From feeling the immense pain and fear at the memories. From feeling the immense guilt that I knew I would have.
So I picked up my phone on the sofa next to me, and without a moment of hesitation, dialed Shoto's number.
It was two rings before he picked up.
"Mira?" His deep voice came across worried and I sucked in a breath as my heart constricted in terrible guilt. I opened my mouth to speak, but after not saying a peep for five days, my voice and throat weren't particularly helping me talk.
"S-s-" I swallowed, trying to moisten my mouth a bit and cleared my throat. I sounded raspy and sick.
"You don't have to say anything if it hurts, Mira." Shoto said over the phone and I shook my head no. I need to say something, no matter how small it was.
"I-I'm s-sorry." My voice cracked as I spoke, sounding as if I was sick and hadn't had water for a while; but I said something. Soon, I can explain exactly what I'm sorry for. Not over the phone.
Shoto didn't respond right away. I didn't know what he was thinking. I knew he didn't hate me, not in the slightest, so I just waited patiently before I said my next piece.
"I n-need to see you." I grounded out, sounding sad and broken. Guilty. Shoto could hear it, plain as day.
"I'll come over right now." Shoto said, and I heard the sound of a chair scraping the floor and rustling movements of a body.
"N-no. Meet me at the park." I didn't want to be stuck in my house any longer, not with how cooped up I've been feeling. How much I have been sick over the past day.
"I will." I nodded my head at that. "And Mira..." I held my breath, waiting for Shoto to continue as he trailed off, practically hearing the thoughts race in his mind as he found the words to say. "Thank you for calling me."
My eyes stung at that as the phone beeped, signaling the end of the call. I really was a messed up person if I could ignore the one person in this world who supported me and helped me throughout my life.
So, feeling like a black hole was gnawing away at my stomach, I stretched out my legs cooped against my chest and set them on the ground, bare except for the shorts around my upper thighs. I pushed myself up, off the sofa, a bit lightheaded from throwing up all the food and more than what I ate the past two days and took in a deep breath.
Time to apologize deeply to Shoto.
********************
It was so dark in the city park of Musutafu, every forty feet a light post shedding a yellowish glare, just highlighting the walk path. The trees were in the distance as I walked down the paved pathway, bushes on one side and an open space on the other. The night was warm, a gentle breeze blowing between my legs and loose strands of hair.
I knew where I was going, this path familiar to me. At night, Shoto and I used to meet up together in the park when we got separated at school. Every time we met, it was always at the red-painted bench, flaking and the arm broken, never to be fixed.
Every step that I took closer to the bench pushed the guilty feeling deeper into my heart. I knew what I wanted to say to Shoto, how much I wanted to apologize. And how much I just wanted to sit next to him, to relish in his calming presence.
It wasn't easy, being so close to the son of Endeavor. I was forced unto training with Shoto until I was fourteen. I saw his family dynamic, experienced it myself. Even though he had both parents and siblings, Shoto was also alone in the world. He and I came to find each other the only people who could trust each other. I had Yuuko, and my grandmother, and I love her, but neither of them helped me at my worse moments.
Only Shoto did.
So when the bench was highlighted by one of the yellow lights and Shoto came into view, staring heavily at me, I lost my composure. At first I just stared at him, heart flipping in guilt and need to hold him. I took one step, then another, then I was full on sprinting.
I slammed into Shoto's open arms, my face against the top of his chest, breathing in his woody, slightly smoky scent mixed with a delightful mint scent. His arms wrapped around my body, gentle enough not to irritate the healing bruises but enough to grip onto me.
"I-I'm so sorry. I should have never ignored you. I- I was j-just so sc-scared." I admit, gripping onto his torso tightly, my voice breaking and muffled by his chest. "I s-should of con-confided in you, tell y-you what w-was wrong. I'm sorry, Shoto."
I was drowning in my guilt as I clung onto Shoto as if he was the last thing left in this word, the last piece of land. I didn't know whether Shoto would outright accept my apology or not, but shouldn't, not after our history. I ignored Shoto, of all people to ignore because of my personal feelings.
"You should have told me something." I felt his chest vibrate under my face as he spoke."I may not have been able to do more than just listen and be there for when you needed me, but at least I would know what was going on."
I nodded my head, forehead rubbing the light shirt covering his chest. I felt his hands move to my shoulders and pull me back, one hand coming to my chin and raising it to look him in the eye. His gray and blue eyes were full of understanding and caring. My heart both broke and began to heal at once.
"Mira, I know you need to protect yourself. But, like you've been told, you aren't alone. So don't fight alone." Shoto pulled me back into a hug and I felt my throat thicken with emotion. I closed my eyes and just held onto Shoto, needing his presence.
"I'm sorry. I-I..." I trailed off as my heart clenched. "Shoto, I'm sorry for ignoring you. For going blank. For avoiding you. I'm sorry-"
Shoto's grip tightened exponentially around my torso, hands tightening on my sweater as they pulled the fabric tight. "Don't apologize. Instead, you need to promise me not to do that again."
A promise. Only Yuuko, Shoto and Toshinori knew how hard I take promises. When I promise something, I never go back on my word.
"Shoto Todoroki," My voice spilled out tense and sincere as I closed my eyes and took in the familiar warmth of Shoto, "I promise you that whenever I get in trouble, whenever I am scared or need help, whenever I am going blank, I promise to tell you everything. Never ignore or avoid you again."
"I promise to you, Mira Kazama, that I will always be there for you when you need me." I nestled my head into his chest and grabbed so tightly onto the back of his t-shirt, biting my lip hard, eyes closed.
I need him. I need Shoto to be in my life. If he wasn't there for me through my childhood, my life would be very different right now. If I even had a life. So now I gripped into Shoto with the pain of my guilt and the new promise created between us.
The wind ran over us gently and Shoto rocked us slightly to the the wind. Shoto wasn't a physical person - I knew that - so for him to hold me for so long meant even more to me emotionally than Shoto probably realized.
I don't know how long we stood there, but by the time Shoto pulled back my legs were getting numb. He pushed me over to sit on the red bench, the arm still broken, and sat besides me. Little electric pains that tickled flared up as I moved my legs. We must have been standing for a while. I started at the expanse of darkness beyond the path, the lights of buildings illuminating the skyline.
"How are your ribs?" Shoto asked. I weakly patted my loose sweatshirt.
"The bones are fully healed. The bruises are almost gone, now. A yellow color." I respond and felt Shoto move his body to lean back.
He sighed and muttered: "I don't know how you heal so fast."
I felt my lips twitch at that. "Just a girl with a Quirk that heals her and makes her drink blood." I say lightly and turn to look at Shoto's side profile, the ice side of white and grey. His eyes that were trained on the horizon turned to look at me.
"How can you forgive me so easily? After all we've been through, shouldn't you be freezing me and dumping me in a lake for a bit?" I ask, exaggerating a bit what he should do, but still, guilt lacing my voice.
Shoto's lips twitched and he looked away, back to the skyline of lights. "You may be expressionless, but the emotion of guilt in your eyes and voice are enough for me to easily forgive you."
I froze at that. Shoto is the second one to tell me this. Your voice and what you had in your eyes was enough to convey every ounce of emotion you felt. That is what Bakugo said to me. When he stopped me from worsening my injuries and pulled me from my mental lapse.
I let out a sharp breath and turned to follow Shoto's gaze. I may not be able to express myself with emotions. I may not be able to cry or smile or frown. And to most people, they will never see a hint of emotion in me other than when I growl or laugh like a maniac. All this happened to me due to one accident and months, years in that place.
But now I know - now I know that there are two people in this world, at least, that can hear and see what I am feeling, even if it wasn't visible. And those two people were Shoto, my lifelong friend, someone whom I loved. And the angry man at school.
I grabbed Shoto's arm and leaned my head on his shoulder. "A shoulder to lean on." I said, quietly, and Shoto didn't say anything, a comfortable silence overtaking us. Not a silence which I forced upon us.
For the first time in days, my heart calmed lightly. My heart calmed, and my head didn't fill with my memories at the silence. My body warmed a bit from his familiar warmth, and I gripped Shoto's arm tighter.
I tried to keep my eyes trained on the lights in the horizon, the little blots of yellow, white and blue. But when I felt Shoto lean his head on top of mine when he yawned, I felt my eyes close gently. I listened to Shoto's breathing, getting deeper and slower as time went one.
It was so relaxing, Shoto's calm, deep breaths. He inhaled slowly and exhaled with barely a noise, the slight nudge of his torso moving giving away he was sleep and alive.
I felt my body thrum in response to his breathing, heart beat slow, breathing slowing to match his. And finally, I fell asleep.
*******************
"Mmm." I grumbled as something shook me. A red light was coming through my eyelids, my legs feeling a heat upon them, as well as the back of my head. My back was sore. My legs were numb. Again, I felt a large, warm hand shake my shoulder.
"Vampy, wake up!" My eyes popped open at the angry, deep voice. And instantly locked with ruby eyes. "Finally! Wake up the first time idiot!"
I looked away to my left and saw Shoto, yawning still, hair a bit ruffled. I looked back in front of me, around the angry Pom-Pom of hair, to the grass and trees and the buildings in the backyard. Then up to the bright blue sky, sun freshly risen.
"I-I'm outside?" I asked, head and voice confused.
"If you see a fucking blue sky and green grass you are outside, dumbass." I snapped back to Bakugo. I saw him look me over, a thoughtful look in his eyes despite the frown on his face. He was wearing a black tank top and black joggers, arms fully exposed. They do look nice.
I look back to Shoto, about to ask what he was doing here. Then I blinked a few times and remembered.
"Shoto, you need to get back before you get in trouble." I said and Shoto frowned and looked back to me.
"Fine." He reached a hand up to pat my head and I heard a tsk. "Don't forget out promise."
I shook my head yes. "I won't forget." Shoto stood up and turned to the frowning male and bowed his head slightly.
"Thank you for waking us up, Bakugo." Shoto said sincerely.
Bakugo tsked and his frown deepened. "I don't need your thanks Half-and-Half." The same, fitting nickname. Shoto simply nodded, turned to look at me and waved shortly, before turning and walking back the way he came. And I looked back to the angry man.
"I'm sorry." I said, staring up at him. Bakugo didn't expect it, his eyes widening slightly and shoulders loosening. He opened his mouth to talk but I cut him off. "I ignored you even though you helped me from a mental lapse. So I apologize."
Bakugo sneered at me, not a reaction I was expecting, honestly, but oh well. He looked me over again, hands in his pockets, and it felt scrutinizing, his stare. I just turned to look down at my thighs. They weren't exactly pale, as they were when I didn't get sun for a while. I wouldn't say they were tan either. Similar to Shoto's color, I guess.
"If anything, apologize for leaving the house looking like shit." Bakugo said and I looked up at him to see him looking away. Just then, a jogger ran us by. He looked at me and frowned. I sighed. Bakugo growled and the jogger kept on running.
"I was sick the past two days." I said vaguely, not sure how describe what I went through after allowing myself to feel again. "And called Shoto out here to apologize to him."
Bakugo huffed and I turned back to him, an angry look on his face but not an angry look in his eyes. Well, not full anger in his eyes. Instead, I saw a look of... confusion, hurt and need for something. It took the breath out of my chest and my heart began to thrum.
"Stand up. I'll walk your sick ass home." Bakugo huffed and I simply nodded my head. Grasping my hands together, I lean forward and try to stand up. Only for my legs to buckle, my head spinning and the ground nearing.
Until a warm grasp surrounded my waist and pulled me against a warm chest. A delicious warmth. At first I couldn't think of anything but the delicious caramel smell, making my stomach grumble. Then I realized something.
"Hey, what's wrong with you?" Bakugo asked, his voice a bit angry and a bit... not angry? I inhaled his sweet scent again and looked up to the ruby eyes.
"I haven't eaten for two days and I've been throwing up for two days. I'm malnourished right now." I haven't eaten anything since Friday morning, not bothering to eat lunch. Then I got home and started vomiting until Saturday midday, not bothering to eat anything. Then I came out and stayed the night on the bench. Now it was Sunday morning.
Suddenly the grip on my waist let go and I was faced with a back. "Get on." His deep orders.
I just stared at the strong back, my hands lightly on the shoulders to stop from falling over as my head spun a little. "Have you gone insane as well? Why do you keep on picking me up?" I asked, confused. Bakugo growled and pushed into me, causing me to fall flat on his back. He picked me up from behind my knees, his hands hot against my skin, and boosted me up to settle against his back comfortably, moving his hands up the back of my thigh a bit for a firmer grip.
If I could make expressions I'd probably be bright red right now, as my hands fell loosely around Bakugo's neck, my head now resting on his right shoulder.
"After going mute for a week all you can do is call me insane? And it's not like I just pick you up - your dumbass keeps falling on me!" Bakugo barked and I turned my head to look away from his neck, heart beating fast. He smelled too good.
But he was right. "I'm sorry." I say as we begin walking in the direction I came last night. Bakugo stiffened beneath me. "I-"
"I told you not to fucking say you're sorry." Bakugo growled, effectively shutting me up. His hands tightened on my thighs slightly. His hands were large. I didn't say anything for a bit, just letting my head rest on his shoulder, my stomach empty, my body warm from his heat. I felt the scenery change as shade covered us and I glance up to see the cove of trees, marking the exit to the park.
I still felt guilty. Guilty at ignoring Shoto and Bakugo and my classmates. I was still feeling some pain from my memories, the lingering of the fear still trapped within me. I was remembering the promise I had made with Shoto.
But now, now my head seemed to relax. My thoughts seemed to drift away from the past and to a more calm state. My heart was swallowed by guilt, and my muscles seemed to loosen. Just because of the presence and warmth of Bakugo.
Then my stomach growled. Not a quiet, low rumbling. But like a dump truck was having an engine backfire. And my relaxed state went to embarrassed in a split second as Bakugo stopped and I felt his shoulders shake lightly. I didn't know from anger or laughter, though it seemed laughter to be impossible for Bakugo.
"Are you sure you're a girl with a stomach like that?" Bakugo said in an amused voice. I couldn't stop myself from slapping his arm. "Hey! Don't hit me while I'm fucking carrying you, dumbass!"
"Of course I'm a fucking girl! Girls can have hungry stomachs, too, you know!" I smacked his arm again and he growled. "Are you sure you're a guy and not a Pomeranian?"
I yelped lightly as Bakugo growled and gripped my legs tightly and leaned forward. My grip around his shoulders and neck tightened as I started to slide off his back, his hands pushing my thighs up.
"What the fuck are you doing!" I yelled as my face neared the ground and I stopped sliding, a death grip on Bakugo's neck.
Then he straightened fast and I rammed backwards, flat on his back. "Call me a dog again and I'll explode your ass into the ground." Bakugo threatened and I grumbled, my stomach growling again.
"Yes, yes, you say that to everyone." I turn my head to look at Bakugo's neck, up and at his side profile. "Now can we please get something to eat, Pom-Pom?" I watched as Bakugo's face went from a simple frown to a full on, serial-killer-with-a-stick-up his ass sneer.
"I said don't call me that!" He yelled, not glancing at me, and not exploding me into the ground. Instead, we walked right out of that park and across the road, to the small American cafe right there.
Ok, so we all know that it isn't a romantic love, right? Great.
And one of these chapters, Mira's history will be revealed. Not now, obviously.
Thanks for reading and enjoy!