Beth's POV:
After my encounter with Tulisa I felt bad. I forgot how exhausting caring was.
Maybe she really was worried about me? No, be smart Beth. She is an internationally famous woman, why should she care about you inbetween every other contestant?
My group and I had one huge room for ourselves. When I stepped inside the room they were all seated in a circle. Jade made space for me inbetween her and Perrie.
I went there and sat down and they continued talking.
"So, How about we play 20 questions?" Jesy asked smirking. That girl is definitely gonna be the tease in this group.
"How does that work?" Perrie asked.
Jesy shrugged and explained, "In my borough, it was always someone's turn and they had to answer 20 questions. After they answered it's the next ones turn."
They all agreed and I genuinely didn't want to play this shit. Now they could ask any question and I'd have to answer.
They started off. It was Leigh-Anne's turn.
"So Leigh Leigh, let's start easy, are you a virgin?" Jesy asked. Leigh-Anne looked flushed and Jade had her mouth open in shock whereas Perrie had her hand in front of her mouth stifling a laugh.
Leigh then started answering, "Uh No I'm not." Jesy started laughing and the other two did as well.
Then Perrie continued, "Well when did you lose it?" She asked. Wow if they would only ask these kind of questions then I have no worries.
"Are you serious?" Leigh asked annoyed, "I don't know anymore maybe 6 months ago." She then answered.
Jade then asked, "Do you have any siblings?" Jade definitely needs to be protected.
Leigh answered, "Yes I have two older sisters, Sian and Sairah" Oh god please don't let anyone of them ask me this.
Oh it's my turn, what should I ask her? Hmm I'm just gonna improvise, "Can you speak any other language than English?" I asked. Hey that's an interesting question isn't it?
Leigh answered, "No, learning languages was never my strength." Well then.
It was Jesy's turn again. Poor Leigh. Jesy asked smirking, "Who's your celebrity crush?"
Leigh blushed again, yep I was definitely right about Jesy being the tease. Leigh answered, "Justin Bieber."
I had the urge to gag. That guy was weird and definitely gonna be a fuckboy when he grows up.
This is gonna be a long night.
Skip the questioning of the girls since you all know them
"Finally it's Beth's turn!" Perrie said excitedly.
I raised an eyebrow, "Chill I'm not that interesting." I said shrugging.
What I found out about them was definitely more than enough.
Jade has an older brother called Karl. Perrie has an older brother called Jonnie and a younger half sister called Caitlin. Jesy has three siblings as well, her older sister Jade, her older brother Jonathan and her younger brother Joseph.
Jesy is from Romford and 20. She can do a lot of accents and I almost laughed when she did them. Wow they are really changing me.
I also found stuff out like 'what's your favourite position?' Or 'Craziest place you ever had sex?' All thanks to Jesy.
This time Perrie started off with me, "So Beth, why did you come to the X Factor?" She asked.
Out of all the questions she had to ask this? What am I supposed to say Now? 'Oh I'm in a lot of debt and I need as much money as soon as possible'
Then my brain finally turned on and I answered, "My best friend Sam bugged me about it the whole time and then convinced me." I said shrugging.
Jade then asked, "Do you want to become a singer?"
"To be honest I don't know what I wanna be yet. Maybe I want to be a singer but I'm not sure. But I definitely want to win the X Factor." I said the last part so they know I won't let them lose because of me.
Leigh-Anne asked me afterwards, "Do you have any siblings?" She asked.
I know it's not her fault but I just can't think about them. Also, what am I meant to say? Just lie about my siblings existence ever? But if I say I do have siblings they'd probably ask more questions about them. Then it would lead to the fire and they would know.
I'm sorry Noah and Alison.
"No I don't." I answered shortly. I don't know why but they looked at me and it seemed like they could tell I was lying.
They didn't decide to comment further on it though, Jesy asked me next, "Are you a virgin?" She asked smirking again.
Then it finally happened. For 3 months it didn't happen but Jesy made it possible. I laughed. It surprised them and me as well. It wasn't a full out laugh but it was a small one.
At first I didn't think it was funny but then i just couldn't stop myself, "Yes Jesy I'm still a virgin." I answered.
It was Perrie's turn again, after thinking she asked, "Do you have a crush on someone?" She asked.
Well damn. I do have a little crush on Perrie but I ain't gonna tell her that. So saying no it is.
"Nope. Not at the moment." I answered. Perrie seemingly blocked a smile.
It was Jade's turn again, "What did you want to become when you were little?" She asked.
I know it's not what Jade indented to happen, but that question triggered a memory of my family.
Flashback
My mother was currently making dinner. Spaghetti just like I asked her to.
Noah and Alison were trying to mess with me. I continuously ignored them cause I knew it would annoy them even more.
"Hey! Popstar!" Noah yelled. Ugh why did I ever tell them what I wanted to be?
I was 9! Can't I dream a little?
"Noah and Alison! Leave your sister alone." My mother scolded them.
"But mam, it's just fun. Beth knows that." Alison justified.
Then I finally spoke up, just to let Alison be wrong and maybe yelled at, "No I don't. You're annoying me!" I said making it extra dramatic so my mam scolds them even more.
As I already planned, my mam continued, "See! Now leave my baby alone." My mam said cuddling me.
From the side I glanced at them and smiled mockingly. The mocked me as well and I shrugged at them.
Flashback end
"Beth?" Perrie asked shaking me gently. I reached up to my eyes and felt wetness.
Fuck. I didn't want to cry in front of them.
I quickly wiped it away and tried to laugh it off, "Oh something got in my eye. Uh I'll be right back." I said and stood up to get to the bathroom.
I entered it and closed it gently. I leaned against the wall and slowly slid down sitting on the floor. I couldn't hold my tears in anymore.
I quietly sobbed knowing they would hear me if I was louder.
I miss them so fucking much. Fucking gas leak. Why did this have to happen? I still needed them! I didn't even get to see my mom and my brother before they died. Not to mention my entire extended family.
My mother's parents. My father's mother.
My mother's sisters, Meghan and Sara. My mother's brother, Peter. My father's sister, Rose. My father's brothers, Nick and John.
My cousins which are way too many to keep up with. But I nonetheless did.
If at least one of them survived with me. But not one of them did. I'm alone. I'm fucking alone. My father despises me. My best friend can't get through to me anymore and goes off to college in a few weeks.
I'm a storm and I hurt everyone around me.
I don't know how long I sat in the bathroom crying but I finally heard a knock.
"Beth?" Jesy's voice came through. I didn't even have it in me to answer.
When I didn't answer another voice came through, "Beth can I come in?" Perrie's soft voice rang through my ears.
I didn't answer still. They don't need to hear my voice crack.
Then again that beautiful voice rang through, "I'm coming in Beth." Perrie said.
I didn't even have it in me to argue. Every time I break down it drains me with no end.
The door opened slowly and Perrie stepped inside. Before she closed it behind her I saw Jesy, Jade and Leigh-Anne looking concerned.
She sat down next to me and wiped my tears away with a tissue. She did it very gently and I felt save. But I needed to remind my self that I'll never be safe. I didn't deserve it.
While Perrie cleaned my face up I didn't look at her at all. I felt pathetic. Do I have to be so weak? I had to fucking grow up. Death exists in this world. I should be able to live with the guilt that came with the death of my family.
After Perrie finished she spoke up, "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" She asked. Haha nice try Perrie.
I just shook my head. It feels like I lost my voice. When Perrie saw that I wasn't going to speak up she continued, "Jade feels really bad for asking you this question." She brought up.
Poor Jade. I'm such a fucking idiot. Jade is such a sweet girl but of course I'm able to make her feel bad. I'm so selfish.
Slowly Perrie hugged me. I don't know why or how, but as soon as she did I felt a warmth spread through me. I had this weird feeling in my stomach.
I pulled away after a while. I stood up and held my hand out to pull her up. She took it and it felt like electricity was shooting through my hand but in a good way.
God, when have I ever had these cheesy thoughts?
She smiled at me and slowly let go of my hand and we entered the other room again.
"I'm really sorry Beth." Jade said. By the looks of it she felt really guilty. That made me feel even worse.
"No Hey, it's alright. It wasn't your fault, How could you have known that this question would cause this. Even I didn't know that it would happen. It just happened. It's fine." I said trying to comfort her.
Jesy cautiously asked, "What exactly happened?"
I didn't know what to say. I'm not gonna tell them ever. I shouldn't be in this group. All of them are hard working and determined. They all want to move something in this world. Leave their mark. I don't know if I want that.
I mean, If we do become famous, wouldn't there be a ton of questions? People would look me up and my village maybe. That's enough for my true story to come out.
Why am I really doing this? I should've bolted the second I had the chance. My goal was to win the prize money and then stop. But They? They want to continue.
Could I maybe leave now? Till now we haven't sung together. So it wouldn't make a difference if I'm here or not.
But Sam... She brought me into this mess. Fuck.
These four girls have a purpose, a way they want to go, I'm barely able to function properly, I'm still dealing with the death of my entire family.
If I stay I'm only gonna cause trouble. If I leave I'm still not gonna be able to find a job easily. Fordwich is a really shitty town. And there are not many ways to leave the town. If I do ever get the chance to work somewhere, I'd probably end up being late most of the time. That would end up in me being fired.
What am I meant to Do? I wanted to go to fucking college not go work. And not audition at the X Factor. Why did I have to survive?
Fucking shit, before I met these four I would've left or stayed without caring how it made the people around me feel.
I realised they were all quiet and looking at me. I felt a hand on my shoulder, it was Jade.
"It's fine if you don't want to say. We only met each other a few days ago." She said giving me a reassuring smile.
What am I meant to do? Why am I so against telling other people anyways. Is it because I don't want to be seen as a victim? Because I don't wanna see the pity in people's eyes, when in the end they are only glad that it didn't happen to them? These four girls don't know me. They haven't experienced this kind of thing yet. Before the event I probably would have been like everyone else, glad that it didn't happen to me.
This is exactly why I blocked any emotions off. If I let them through they become too many and I don't even understand them myself.
I have to tell them. I can't be the reason these four girls don't get the fame they deserve. If we are gonna be a group it has to be built on trust and friendship. As much as I don't want to tell them I have to. But I'm gonna start slow.
"No it's fine. It's just uhm it reminded me of something in my childhood." I said.
They seemed to somehow get what I'm meaning. Perrie held my hand and Jade's hand still remained on my shoulder Jesy and Leigh-Anne were giving me reassuring smiles. I don't know why but this felt like home.
I admired them for not giving me any pity. This is exactly what I mean. They genuinely care. I have never felt that from anyone except Sam and my family.
After a while we all agreed to go to sleep. There were two beds only. They were big enough though.
The bed arrangements were Jesy, Leigh-Anne and Jade. The other one was only me and Perrie.
God please don't let me have any nightmares.
Great now I jinxed it.
*****
I woke up sweating and shaking. As I woke up I saw that Leigh-Anne and Jesy were up and they looked at me concerned.
At least Perrie and Jade were still asleep.
"I'm sorry if I woke you." I murmured. Honestly I don't even know how to explain other than spilling my entire life story.
"It's fine Beth. But you can trust us. You don't need to tell us anything. But let us be there for you at least." Jesy said.
My heart warmed at this. I don't deserve them. Why am I even here?
I stood up carefully to not wake Perrie but she seemed to be in a deep slumber.
"Thanks you. I will hopefully. But in time." I smiled.
Leigh-Anne and Jesy hugged me and I laughed quietly, "Now you guys are full of my sweat." I said.
Leigh-Anne shrugged and Jesy made a disgusted face in a joking manner.
Slowly I'm letting them in without even realising it. They are turning me back to the person I used to be... before.
Tomorrow is another day.