Haunted by You (Brendon Urie)

Junes Useless.

What's next? What's next from here? Is this what a break up feels like? Is this worse than a break up? Maybe it is worse than a break up. Because, when you break up with somebody at least you can remember that you aren't the only one hurting. You can find some sort of closure inside the other persons pain.

This pain is all mine. I have no one to share it with.

June was right about the world and the universe having to keep its balance. Now that he is back alive, it is like he never died in the first place. It's like it never happened at all. I scrambled throughout the entire Internet and I cannot find one article on his death. There's no car wreck. There's no funeral. There's no death. It is simply like the universe found a way to erase it from everyone's memory, except for mine.

She was right about everything. But, I can't stop asking myself the question of what went wrong?

How can he just forget me? He just forgot about everything.

I was snuggling with puck under my thick comforter. I felt so hollow. I don't know how many hours I've been laying in this bed. I can't even remember the last time I had an appetite to eat anything. I feel so disassociated from everything around me. So I just wanna stay inside this shield of warmth. I want to stay under these covers where nothing can hurt me.

I'm tired of losing people. I don't understand how this was meant for me. Was I just destined to lose everyone that I love? It sure feels like it.

I should have known better. I don't deserve to have someone love me the way he did. I don't even want to say his name. It hurts. It stings. I've been trying not to think about him at all because the pain it brings me is smothering me.

I don't know what is next. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if there is a way to fix this. Right now I do not have the strength to deal with any of these questions. I just want to meltaway into my comforter and become one with nothing. I don't know what to do.

I could see my cell phone on the nightstand next to me. I've seen it vibrate multiple times. I know it must be Sydney texting me, or Brian still trying to take me out. I know that no one texting me right now can bring me the peace and closure I am so desperately looking for. So I do not check my phone. I do not move a muscle. I let this depression consume me.

I want him back. I want him back laying next to me. I was addicted to him. These withdrawls are killing me.

Why would the universe do this to me? The universe forced us together and made me fall in love with him. Now, the universe has taken him away from me. What lesson am I supposed to be learning?

I felt the tears begin to sting my cheeks and I let my eyelids close. I was exhausted.

I could feel the darkness of sleep slowly begin to slip into my consciousness, and before it had completely taken control, I heard a loud bang in the kitchen.

I jolted awake and pushed the comforter beside me.

If this was a break in, I wasn't scared. Shoot me, take my things and take me out of my misery.

My feet pressed against the cold wooden floor and I began to make steps toward the kitchen where I heard the crash. I walked into the dimly lit kitchen and I didn't see anyone. This was a break in.

There was no one there.

I scanned around the room and only one thing caught my eye. The red leather book. Junes Awakening. It was now on my dining room table.

I felt my eyes widen and energy course through my veins. Maybe she had more to say. Maybe she had a way to bring him back to me. Maybe she could fix this or tell me what I did wrong. I scrambled to take a seat at my dining room table and immediately opened up the book and read:

"How are you sweet girl? I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling.

Love is so dangerous. Love is a gamble.

You did everything you could. You followed my instructions perfectly. I don't understand what could've gone wrong. I just want you to know I am so sorry.

This is not your fault, my angel.

You knew the risk. You knew the risk at stake and you did it. You did it because you loved him. Whether he knows it or not. You did this because you loved him so much . You gave him his life back. There is nothing more magical than the gift of life.

Keep your head up, sweet girl."

That's it? That's really fucking it? This was just an apology? No. I need more than an apology. I need a way to fix this. What the fuck am I gonna do with this?

This half ass apology will not bring the love of my life back. If anything this stupid book took him away from me in the first place. This is fucking bullshit. I don't fucking want an apology. I just fucking want him back. I need him back with me.

Frustration raged inside of me. I began to feel my cheeks grow warm in tears streaming down my face. I was so frustrated with this. I expected so much more. Basically all this book told me was to just give up, and understand that this is the way things are now.

I completely understand that what I did was amazing. I attached his soul back to his body. I get it. It's an amazing thing. But can't I be a little selfish sometimes? When do I ever get to be selfish and get something out of this deal as well? Why couldn't I have given him his body back and also his memories? Why am I always in the situations where I get the shit end of the stick? I wanna be selfish. I deserve to be selfish.

I literally had to sacrifice myself to give him his body back. I had to kill myself so that he could get his life remains . I had to sacrifice so much just to get absolutely nothing back. This isn't a win some you lose some type of situation. I lost everything.

The book specifically said that when all his life remains were consumed and his complete mortality was back then he would have his memories. It said that. Once they were all restored he would remember-

What if that's it?

I'm sure watching the love your life kill herself wasn't necessarily easy for him. I'm sure that he was really distraught because of the circumstances I forced him into. So what if when I killed myself and he returned to Fort Worth St.,  he was so distracted by my death he didn't get all of his life remains. What if they are still there on Forth Worth Street? Maybe he missed one? He probably wasn't thinking straight. Maybe that's the whole problem.

Maybe I have to go to Fort Worth St. and find that life remain. I have to go and find it and return it to him.

I felt my hands begin to tremble with relief. Maybe this really was it. I stumbled back to my nightstand and grabbed my cell phone.

I sent a message to Sydney.

"Girls trip to LA this weekend🥳?"

I sent the message and felt anticipations creep inside of me. Then one question came to mind. Let's say metaphorically this is the issue we are dealing with right now, and he is missing a life remain. Let's say hypothetically I go pick it up from Fort Worth St. Simple right? Here's the issue.

How do I get it back to him?