Haunted by You (Brendon Urie)

Wakey Wakey.

So I was thinking.

And, thinking.

And, thinking.

Well, what I am trying to say is I've been up all night.

Well at first when I got home I waited for Bren to show up. I waiting til it was almost midnight. I wanted to talk to him. Maybe the best thing to do was to talk about the way I was feeling. Maybe that would solve things and we could come to an agreement that I'm a dumb hopeless romantic college girl.

But let's be honest. That was never going to happen.

There is no way I would have the confidence to tell him something like that.

On the other hand, I don't know even know if what I'm feeling is even real. This can't be real.

You know why I'm feeling this way? Because he's Brendon Urie. If he was anybody else I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling this way.

He's my idol.

I am that girl. I am the girl that would stay on Wattpad until 3am reading fanfics about him and wishing to god those stories were real and about me. I am that girl that would go to concerts all dolled up hoping that maybe I would be the one he would do a double take for. I would go crazy over his interviews and music videos. I had his old vines memorized. For god sakes he was the background on my phone before we met. Which was something I immediately had to change.

Of course I'm confused.

Of course.

I don't really like Brendon.

I don't even really know him.

I know the idea of him I had in my head and that's what I like.

The idea.

Boom.

Problem solved.

Maybe Brendon was out seeing another movie. Or exploring some part of the world.

Or maybe he was just as nervous to see me as I am to see him?

But, okay. Let's talk. Just you and I. Yes, you.

Even if he did care for me in that sense and I felt the same, it could never work.

I want a future. A future where I have a husband, and kids, and more pugs. I want to have someone that would come grocery shopping with me when we got our first house. Someone to hold my hand as I'm pushing our baby out of my you know what. I want a life where we both work full time jobs and come home everyday excited to see each other. Someone to bring to the family get togethers. Someone who would introduce me to their family and make it seem as if I'm one of their own.

I want a real world relationship.

I don't always want a secret on my back.

I don't want to be known as the crazy schizophrenic lady.

Brendon could never give me any of those things. He's dead. I'm the only one that can see him, hear him, and feel him. Besides Puck. Lucky for him.

I would never have a future I had always hoped for.

Never.

So like I said, it could never work.

All these thoughts are so stupid anyway. I must be about to start my period or something. That has to explain why I'm so emotional.