You can't break up with a soul mate [a love story in poetic verse]

76 | tree

I bought my tree
decorated it
two more days until Christmas
it was another holiday
of leaving feelings behind
three years of loving a ghost named Jared

being a number one
to no one
it's just a number

a nail on a wall
an odd person
asking for forgiveness

one is me
saying yes
to being two

two souls
but knowing that my soulmate
is living another life

no matter how much I convince myself
that one plus one equals three

there I was
with a ring
on my finger
waiting for a ping
a truthful linger

why should I break David's heart?
while Jared keeps writing me poems
and all I want to do
is bury my body in them
die inside them
call
off this sham of a life
this mundane strife
be a junkie
smoke and drink
all day and night
all night and day

Why did I say yes?

I would make it work
this would be my new beginning

I sat down and took a deep breath
lined up the cigarettes
lined up my life

didn't answer the phone when David called

It was ten at night
I should sleep
but I was thinking too much about Jared
and I knew I would fuck it all up
I knew I would.

I knew that choices were for people who had the right answers.

I lit up my tree
wanted to go outside and stand
in the middle of the street

if I was dead Jared would not even know

if a car hit me Jared would never know

it was as if my right arm was cut off.