You can't break up with a soul mate [a love story in poetic verse]

151 | lost track

sometimes you think that finding
someone to love
will bring back the dead
inside you
sometimes you think
pride is your best attribute
or your eyes
or the way you think people lost track
of your faults
even looking ahead is a new phenomenon.

I won't deny
that I have loved Jared with all my being
but that has never been enough
sometimes you have to love yourself
more than the dead

I am stuck with one foot in the grave
that was how I was raised
lamenting the past
creating gods out of mortals
the gestures of grandeur of my dad's
when I never witnessed that intensity
of his
how could I truly know
what my mom told me
was her version of life the right one

how the damage of the head
and the heart can be a snowflake in June
your father never needed to prove himself
she had said as if I should have known

I found someone to love
never anyone to call daddy
I wanted a man so much
I wanted a daddy so much
I found none

this was the time and the place
for it
the Greek sky never letting me down

I should set my mind on fire
trip over the cobblestones
let go
of the idea
of holding on
and let go
of finding someone to love.

Somehow it will find me
I had finished my coffee
and Jared
was on the phone pacing
I glanced at him
Kosta came up to me
asked if I wanted anything else
I was on my phone by then
plugged into wifi
the uncomfortable straw chair
digging into my skin

No thanks I replied

I was replying to fifty-eight messages
I needed to buy supplies when I got back home.

my business was growing

I looked at Jared again
he looked upset
while he was talking
I felt bad for him
he worked way too hard

I turned away
It was in these moments
that I saw that nothing is simple
there is no right or wrong
black or white
it is in these moments of obscurity
that I see snowflakes in the middle of summer.

Konstantinos Argiros Ti Na to Kano was playing and I knew that giving more
was never the answer
to not receiving.