You can't break up with a soul mate [a love story in poetic verse]

134 | 4:30 a.m.

I looked at my phone
why did I have to have jet lag
I tossed and turned in bed
trying to go back to sleep
but I kept thinking
about two truths
I wanted to hear
from Jared
one: that he never lived in New York and he lived an hour away from my house
and
two: that he was not divorced, but still married

if he could not trust me with the truth
I could not trust to give myself to him
I would ask him face to face
once I saw him
I would ask
truth is trust
trust is truth
if we did not have that
we had nothing at all
but emotions
to heal from
I vowed to myself
that is all I wanted
from him.
The damn truth.
It was 6:30
two hours of thinking
of the same thing
my mind was a wreck
my heart was in constant pain
was this how love hurt
or lies hurt?

I got up made coffee
smoked
ached
and cried.
I should be happy
to see my ex-lover
who never becomes my ex-lover
it's as if he is my only lover
and the word ex
is meant for people you never want to see again
that wasn't the case
the knots inside me
the beat of my heart
as I thought of seeing him again
I felt weak at the knees
frail in my emotions
love bursting from my core.
Why him?
why did I make my life
so complicated?

I checked my messages

Booked and confirmed to be there in four days
arriving by plane on May 18th
fuck the ships
the faster the better to get to you.

Four more days
I would be a mess until then.