You can't break up with a soul mate [a love story in poetic verse]

159 | having a meltdown

here i was having a meltdown
in my own mind
for some reason Muse
was on
and Soldier's Poem
kept playing in my mind
on repeat
maybe because the word poem
was a word that kept me sane
maybe because i started to drink
the second i came out of the shower
it was only eleven thirty in the morning
Jared was leaving in one hour
and i was an iceberg somewhere lost in Greece

but i think i deserved my freedom
my sanity
my version of my truth

the song was blaring in my ears
in my psyche
the coffee was long gone

why are you drinking?

i feel like it

don't i deserve my freedom now? I asked

already tipsy on my first glass
my one hundred and twenty-five pound body
drunk on one glass

please stop
you're too dramatic
too sensitive

i poured another glass of stale wine

am I? and what's wrong with that?

you're acting like a brat

i'm getting over you!

are you? so fast? he smiled, rolled his eyes

you're a black hole, I thought
you shame, blame, and tame me
and pile me up with guilt

I felt the alcohol take over
it was over
I wanted to smoke and throw ashtrays

I will be soon

oh really?

he went into the bedroom
I heard some banging and throwing
and swearing
I kept drinking
feeling numb
living in some city of disillusionment in my mind
feeling my body tingling with numbness
this drunken state giving me strength

fuck him, I thought

this is it
i will be loving him for the rest of my life
or i will be trying my utmost to forget him
or i will meet my true soul mate
and forget him
or soul mates don't even exist
or i will keep drinking
and have random sex with strangers to forget him
until
until
i become a glacier
floating on a poem of words
and painting my soul away
in a vagabond world
of wine glasses.

I am leaving for the airport
don't come with me
I think it's better if we say goodbye here

He walked over to me
pulled me close and hugged me
I hugged him back
breathing his cologne in
dying a little inside
drunk on the outside
we kissed briefly but coldly
Then he pulled me in again
and hugged me tight

he took his suitcase
looked at me one
one last time
his face unreadable
I was already crying 

Goodbye

Goodbye

I said it first
he repeated it after me
our eyes on each other
my heart shook
ached
I was about to say something
but he turned around
and he walked out the door
before I could say it

we still had fifty minutes

but I said nothing
what was the point
what was time
         we will remember the moments
not time

I marked the date in my mind
May 23
five years of this uneasiness
but for some reason
this ending
was perfect

I sat down
poured another glass of wine

glad I did not have to go to the airport
and die inside while watching the plane
glad to be drunk

glad to stumble over to my bed
and pass out
sad to break my own heart
a million times for him
sad to always choose
nothing
over everything.