You can't break up with a soul mate [a love story in poetic verse]

102 | a wave crashing a shore

I stayed up all night watching videos
one video after another
the titles were imprinted in my brain

could it all be true?

If so, why was the attraction still there?
It's as if my heart was pulled out of my body
as if my skin never felt softer than under Jared's touch
I could not believe he didn't love me
I could not believe I was just another woman under his spell
I could not believe all those times he entered me
how our two bodies were one tree
I could not believe it was all false
but if I think of it theoretically
from the doctor's cold  point of view
if I think of what I learned in secretarial school
and my first months of actual work
it's a whole different world
if I think of how Jared made me feel as if I was the only woman in the world for him
of the intense love-making
of the way his tongue sucked my soul
how his tongue inhabited my mouth as if it was a home
how his hands made dents on my skin
I can never erase
how his mouth ran up and down my thighs
my belly
my breasts
my sacred places
like a wave caressing a shore
if I think too hard
I slowly melt away all my walls

I can drown and die right now from the aches

No one can tell me
no doctor
no therapist
that those moments were fake
an illusion?
a fantasy?
Jared was the missing piece inside me
this had nothing to do with David
sadly
this is between me and Jared
like Henry & Anaïs

It is an erotic love story
did it matter that Henry was married
or Anaïs was married
what mattered was the chemistry
the undeniable heat between two people
it's rare to find that
I know there would be no one like Jared
before or after
I just know it
I could never give myself to anyone else again
I knew that too

It was the first and last time.

Yet all these other terms kept popping up now
I do not want to be a fool either
but maybe I merely wanted to be with him
without feeling guilty
maybe I was not made that way
maybe it was my childhood
my lack of love
and I was fooling myself

why could I not give Jared up?
why would he not leave me alone?
if he left me alone like I asked him to
I would get over him
life would be simple again
pre-Jared

I felt like I was losing my mind
I found out all these answers
but no one was a textbook
Jared was not just a term
he had emotions
he had an inner child
in one video the doctor said
their inner child is dead
I could not believe that
I saw the inner child in his eyes
it was hurting
and he needed me

maybe he needed someone like me
I was too complicated
but my sexuality was all he wanted
and maybe now that I have David
and know what I would be missing
maybe
just maybe
Jared's sexuality was all I wanted.

It was clear what I had to do in theoretical terms
but in my heart
there were no crystals
only cuts and bruises.